All My Firsts Are You (Completed Main Story) - Chapter 13
Kim Jun. Sigh… Please, get a grip.
He stared blankly at his laptop screen, yet nothing was getting done. His mind was completely flooded—overflowing with thoughts of Lee Ha Ru, leaving not a single sliver of empty space. There was no room left for any other thoughts to squeeze in.
Now, Lee Ha Ru, you’ve become everything I couldn’t possibly imagine without.
And yet, it wasn’t a new feeling—it was painfully familiar. That’s what made it even more terrifying.
After waiting so desperately for you for nine long years, I couldn’t believe I was doing it to myself again—condemning myself to wait once more. I should’ve just gone to find you right then and there. Instead, I acted all aloof, talking about needing your cooperation or setting conditions—what pointless, clumsy bravado.
He tilted his head back, sinking deep into his chair. A dry sigh drifted soundlessly into the air. Silence enveloped everything, like a quiet warning that this waiting now rested solely on his shoulders.
He closed his eyes. The faint chirping of birds barely brushed his ears. And then—footsteps brushing through the grass?
His listless head snapped upward instantly. His gaze shot toward the small window. His wildly searching eyes abruptly locked onto something. He felt heat rising in his throat. He swallowed hard and drew in a sharp breath.
But despite my will, my body had already begun reacting wildly the moment it saw you. I squeezed my eyes shut—now just as hot as my throat—and opened them again. Lee Ha Ru… is it really you?
A sigh burst out like a flood, scalding the corners of my mouth. Dizziness surged from my head all the way down to my toes. I strained my eyes wide open, watching as you walked toward the house where I was. I watched you stubbornly, unwilling to miss even a single step you took toward me.
In that instant, I felt the unbearable longing inside me twisting into bitter resentment.
Lee Ha Ru… you… you could’ve come like this all along. Even if I hadn’t found you, you could’ve come to me. At the very least, if you’d felt even a shred of sincerity toward me back then…
I bit down on my lip and stood up from my seat. I exhaled rapidly, trying to wipe this burning emotion off my face.
Sigh… Lee Ha Ru. So you do feel a twinge of guilt after all. It’s almost amusing watching you stand there, too hesitant to even press the doorbell. Just when are you planning to come in?
With no other choice, I walked over to the door and pulled it open myself—since you seemed unwilling to do it. Your face slowly came into view through the widening gap. In that moment, my heart began pounding wildly, out of control. Ugh, I’m seriously going crazy…
Instinctively, I yanked my hand back down before it could reach my racing chest. Afraid you’d notice my flustered state, I hurriedly blurted out,
“Were you chanting some magic spell to open the door? What are you doing, just standing there?”
…Lee Ha Ru. It really is you.
Even so, your gaze sweeping over my face made me uncomfortable. Worried that even a hint of my overwhelming emotions might show, I forced my trembling voice under control and spoke again.
“I saw you come through the gate a while ago… What, after all this time, don’t you recognize me? It’s been so long since you erased me from your memory—guess it’s hard to bring it all back?”
You moved your lips as if to say something, but quickly pressed them shut again. So you can’t even deny it.
“Then take a good look. It really is Kim Jun—the one you knew.”
“Have you… been well?”
For a split second, I felt angry. Of all things, after nine years, your first words to me are “Have you been well?”—as if that’s what truly matters to you.
Lee Ha Ru… is that really what you’re curious about? Or did I just read too much into what was merely a polite greeting?
I chewed bitterly on my twisted lips before finally speaking.
“Yeah. Been seeing lots of women. Come in.”
Looking down at you, who couldn’t even meet my eyes, all I could muster was an irritated sigh. You might as well be shameless about it. Or just tell me straight that even standing face-to-face with me makes you uncomfortable.
Watching you hesitate at the door after telling you to come in made my stomach churn. You came all the way here so openly—did you really not anticipate that, once you stepped into my house, we’d inevitably end up alone together in the same space, whether you liked it or not?
I sighed. At the sound, Lee Ha Ru finally lifted her gaze from the floor to me. Annoyed, I jerked my chin toward the door.
Stop making me feel sick and just come in already. I won’t eat you. And I have no intention of clinging to someone who clearly doesn’t want me—so please, just get in here.
Only then did you finally move your feet, as if you had no other choice.
You’ve finally come to this house… yet I felt my already hollow chest grow even emptier.
I walked past Lee Ha Ru, who was slowly surveying the familiar room, and sat down on the chair beside the dining table—where my laptop still lay open from my earlier, so-called work. My chest felt tight.
I undid one shirt button and, just as I started watching you walk in from the living room, quickly dropped my gaze downward. I couldn’t deny it any longer.
…My heart was still reacting to you.
“So. You want to work on the screenplay together with me.”
“Yeah. That’s exactly what I meant.”
“…”
“You look like you don’t understand why I’d do something so pointless.”
“I wasn’t thinking that. Not that it’s pointless or anything…”
“Then that’s good. Because I’m just as serious about this as you hope I am.”
“…”
“I want to break up with you.”
“…What?”
“Oh, I guess that sounded like nonsense. Now that I finally see you actually looking at me again.”
“…That’s not it.”
Your eyes, which had been lingering near mine, dropped straight down. That look kept making me angrier—angry because you left me unable to vent my frustration, angry because I kept fighting the urge to wrap my arms around your trembling shoulders.
Because here, in this house overflowing with memories of us, we’ve been reduced to having this conversation.
I bit hard on my lower lip. The sigh I swallowed deep into my throat only made my chest feel heavier.
“It’s been ages since you already left me behind. Honestly, at this point, I wonder if we ever really broke up at all.”
“…It’s a conversation that needs explaining, isn’t it?”
“I guess you think saying the same thing in different words makes it new.”
Ha Ru’s pupils flickered faintly. Her gaze, still unable to meet mine, radiated unease.
Sigh… Lee Ha Ru.
Even now, I hate you so much it’s driving me insane. I want to grab you right now and demand why you left me like that. Didn’t you spare even a single thought for what would become of me after you walked away? Were all those moments in my memory—when you told me you loved me—completely false?
I want to grip your jaw, force you to look into my eyes, and spill every single one of these questions, regardless of whether you’re sick of me or not.
…But why do I feel like you’d be the one hurt if I did? You’re the one who inflicted that cruel wound—so why does it seem like you’re the one who’ll end up in pain? Honestly, I don’t even understand this damn feeling myself.
“Why are you staring at me like that? You haven’t even answered me yet.”
“…Oh, right. The answer.”
At Ha Ru’s sharp tone, I finally snapped out of it. I was only now truly realizing that the person facing me wasn’t the you from my memories—the one who once told me she loved me—but someone who now held not even a trace of feeling for me.
“You said you want to work on the screenplay together because you want to break up with me. But you haven’t properly explained it yet.”
…Right. That’s how it was.
“I know this sounds pathetic, but I still—”
I couldn’t possibly get the next words out. That I couldn’t forget you. Words that would only make the old feelings—already gone from you—fall away even further. Words that would make me, who already felt pitiful just standing before you, feel even more pathetic.
Unconsciously trying to hide that pitifulness of mine, every word I threw out came laced with thorns.
“I never even got the chance to hate you properly to your face. You just disappeared without a word, on your own terms.”
“Ha…”
“I’m not even done explaining yet. If you don’t want to hear it, we can just stop here.”
“…No. It’s not about whether I want to hear it or not. For me, it’s not that kind of story.”
“You’re not saying this out of some sense of obligation, are you?”
“…No. I’ll listen. Until the end.”
Watching you still stubbornly avoid my gaze made me feel a little helpless. My claim about wanting to hate you freely now rang hollow, like empty bravado. Because it was meaningless—my feelings no longer mattered to you.
“To be more precise, I want to break up with the memory of you. The one who left might not understand, but the one who got left behind remembers every little detail with painful clarity.”
“…You want to break up with those memories.”
“What, you don’t? Is it already not worth calling a memory anymore? Or am I just exaggerating too much?”
“No. I heard you correctly, and I understand.”
“That’s good.”
“So… what exactly do you want me to do? I mean, it’s the same memory anyway. I don’t quite get why you’d want to write a screenplay together with me when you already know it all…”
“No, you still don’t get it. Not my feelings.”
You have no idea what kind of heart I carried for nine years as I waited for this moment. You have no idea what kind of heart I had when I made that film. You truly don’t know… absolutely nothing.
“We’ll each write a screenplay separately. That’s why I said I needed your help—more precisely, your sincerity from back then. That’s what I need from you.”
“…”
“I want to re-remember those memories by inserting your true, real feelings into them. The real feelings of you, who told me you loved me while secretly mocking me like some pathetic fool clinging to his first love.”
“Kim Jun.”
“What.”
“You really…”
“Lee Ha Ru. So you do know how to get angry.”
“…I never once mocked the you who used to love me.”
“Words are easy.”
“It’s not something I say lightly.”
“It doesn’t seem like something the you—who vanished without a word and reappeared only after nine years—has the right to say, at the very least.”
“…”
I was the one piercing you with harsh words, yet it seemed their sharp tips were turning back toward me. My throat burned with a dull ache—proof that, contrary to my hidden wish to hurt you even just a little, I was the one truly wounded.
“I can’t say I don’t understand how you must’ve felt back then—even though your heart had already drifted from me, you still held it all in without saying a word.”
“That’s not—”
“I need to understand it properly. Every single thing about the days we spent together.”
“…”
“That’s why this is the one condition I’m setting. Not that I’m trying to boast or anything. Go ahead and freely use my name to promote your program—it won’t harm me at all.”
“…”
“But in return, don’t run away this time. Not if you feel even the slightest bit guilty about those memories.”
If you feel even the slightest bit guilty toward me.
…That means it’s my turn now to betray those memories.
Male lead is a clingy little husband
One-line summary: The male lead is initially an arrogant, noble, love-deprived brat, later a cute, clingy, scheming little jealous one.
Introduction:
One day, Lu Yuner’s soul transmigrates into a female-dominant world. She enters the Imperial Academy and takes up the position of a doctoral instructor, teaching classes and grading schoolwork.
One day, she encounters the young prince Su Qingwan secretly skipping class from the male academy.
As a result, Su Qingwan is punished.
From then on, Su Qingwan sees Lu Yuner as a “thorn in his side”.
But before long, this “thorn” becomes the person he cherishes most, and he goes to great lengths to win Lu Yuner’s affection.
Mini scene 1:
One day, the sun is high in the sky but Su Qingwan still hasn’t gotten up for class.
Servant Xiaoyuan: “Young prince, it’s time for class. You’ll be late otherwise.”
Su Qingwan says arrogantly: “I’m not going. I am the esteemed prince, my status is so noble, why should I suffer this hardship? Besides, isn’t learning all this just to please women? Hmph, they’re not worthy!”
Mini scene 2:
After Su Qingwan falls for someone, he completely changes. He no longer skips class and diligently learns how to be a good husband and father. But he discovers that Sister Yuner is always surrounded by admirers.
Drunk and overcome with jealousy one day, he clings to Lu Yuner, crying beautifully like a pear blossom in the rain.
Su Qingwan: “Qingwan likes Sister Yuner.”
Lu Yuner: “Young prince, you’re drunk.”
Su Qingwan: “Qingwan isn’t drunk. Qingwan likes Sister Yuner, likes you so much, likes you to bits…” Before he can finish, Lu Yuner’s eyes flash with emotion and she leans in closer.
[Reading Guide]
1. The female lead is gentle, gracious, humble and polite but not weak. The male lead is initially an arrogant, noble, love-deprived brat, later a cute, clingy, scheming little jealous one.
2. 1v1, a bit torturous in the beginning but definitely sweet later on.
_____
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