#87

I felt Johannes’ hands gripping my waist tighten suddenly. Johannes slowly lowered his upper body as if catching his breath and held me close. He burrowed into me, as if about to dishevel my clothes with his forehead and bridge of his nose.

Only then did the tension throughout my body seem to slowly ease. Without grasping his feelings of frustration at being unable to fully unburden himself, I slowly sank into an indescribable sense of relief. The fever I had forgotten, distracted by Johannes, seemed to remember its role and began to rise again in my eyelids and temples. The long sigh I barely managed to release was very hot.

Unable to hold back any longer, I collapsed against Johannes’ forehead as if leaning my chest on it.

“I’m so happy to be with you right now that I can’t even express it.”

“…”

“So…”

“…”

“Let me sleep. Stay and sleep, Johannes. I’ve been wanting to see you all day… okay?”

“Inette.”

“Don’t say no. I won’t listen. If nothing else, you’re largely responsible for coming back so late that I’m being this forceful.”

“…”

“Is it not okay?”

I whispered earnestly, trying to erase both the dizziness that was starting to press down on my head and Johannes’ anxiety. Johannes, who seemed to be steadying his breathing from below, asked quietly:

“Won’t you be uncomfortable? You’re not well.”

“No. Not at all. I’m more uncomfortable and anxious without you.”

Johannes, who had been silent for a moment, firmly gripped my side. He pushed my upper body away and slowly rose from his seat. I could see his bangs, which had been pushed up above his forehead from me leaning on him, falling messily.

Johannes, who had been looking down at me for a moment, brushed his hand over his mouth and eyes several times. His gaze fixed on me as he rubbed his face dry with stiff movements that seemed unable to release the tension. As I was trying to watch what he was doing, unable to guess Johannes’ intentions, he suddenly turned away from me.

“Are, are you going?”

Startled, I hurriedly reached out and grabbed his collar. Johannes turned to look at me with a complicated gaze. Gently grasping and shaking off my hand, he said quietly:

“I’ll change and come back. I don’t think I should get on your bed like this.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“Then you have to come back as quickly as possible. I don’t want to be apart.”

Johannes stood there with an expression that was somehow difficult to explain. Soon, he slightly bowed his head as if in response.

I sat at the edge of the bed, following his figure as he walked to the entrance. And I hugged my knees. In truth, I had intended to sit there and wait for Johannes, but my body, exhausted from the long conversation, wouldn’t cooperate.

Before I knew it, my head tilted, and my shoulders, arms, and legs spilled sideways. It felt like the ceiling and floor were all distorting. In the end, I just lay there, breathing heavily.

The door opened with a creaking sound from rusty hinges. Concerned that I hadn’t moved from my spot, Johannes, holding the doorknob, half-turned at the entrance.

“It’ll take some time. Just lie down.”

Johannes said, as if admonishing me. His tone was clearly worried. For some reason, it sounded stubborn to my ears, and I frowned a little.

“I don’t want to…”

“Why?”

“Staying like this… makes me feel like you won’t stray and will come back.”

Unable to come up with a plausible excuse due to lack of energy, I mumbled honestly. Johannes, who had been wearing a subdued expression all along, showed a reaction like his old self for the first time that day. As if troubled, as if flustered. A gentle gaze with one eyebrow raised peculiarly.

At that moment, briefly. For just a brief moment, I think my breath stopped.

The shape of his eyes, meeting mine up and down, was somewhat unbelievable to me. The expression I saw on Johannes’ face then was the look he used to give me when I would tease him senselessly or pick unnecessary fights with him as a child. Having not seen it in so long, it was not just welcome but even made my heart ache.

In that moment, when my heart was inexplicably full, I felt like I should instinctively make a mischievous face, but lacking the energy to do so, I just stretched my lips into a long smile.

“You understand, right?”

“What?”

“My body is the hostage. See.”

I unfolded my arms from around my knees and brought them down in front of my nose. If I lay down without fully stretching out my arms and legs on an unfamiliar bed, especially at the edge where I would surely fall if I rolled once, he would come back early if only out of guilt for me. That was the extent of my silly plan. No, it wasn’t even a plan, really. It was more of an improvisation that came out of my mouth as it pleased.

However, it didn’t seem to reach Johannes as a playful meaning. He stood still in his place for a while without showing any reaction. It was just a joke. As even I, who had no particular intention, began to sense something strange about his suddenly stiffened posture, Johannes took a step towards me as if he had made some kind of decision, just as I was about to open my mouth to ask what was wrong.

“Johannes?”

But that was as far as it went. As I watched, feeling a bit dazed, Johannes, who seemed like he might stride over and stand before me at any moment, didn’t move any further.

He just stared at me from a distance, as if he had erected an invisible wall. Johannes’ eyes looked almost pained. Embarrassed perhaps, he slightly lowered his head to avoid my gaze. Then quietly, he said to me:

“…I told you.”

“…”

“When you’re like this, I… can’t think straight.”

“…”

“My head boils.”

Because I want to be by your side. Johannes whispered with great difficulty. His tone was as if breaking. And with that short phrase, I was somehow overwhelmed by the feeling that everything before my eyes was turning red. I couldn’t move at all as I lay facing him. The sound of my heart beating was thumping, thumping in my eardrums. As if a flash had gone off in my head, I couldn’t think of anything.

Then, before I knew it, I blurted out:

“Come here, Johannes.”

“…”

“Don’t… don’t change your clothes.”

He, who had been staring blankly at his feet, suddenly lifted his head. Our eyes met in an instant.

My gaze seemed to be like a leash restraining Johannes. He approached me as if being pulled by a rope. One step, and then another step.

Finally reaching the bed, he knelt on one knee in front of me. With his gaze fixed on me, he soon bent his other knee to sit. Seen up close, he seemed out of breath even though he hadn’t moved much. The same was true for me, lying on my side…

Johannes, who had difficultly lowered his upper body, pressed his forehead against mine. My eyelashes trembled finely at his soft, irregular exhalations. His hand, which had been gripping the edge of the bed, came up as if to brush my side.

My heart was beating wildly. I couldn’t see or hear anything. I only felt my skin growing hot from his lips pressing against my eyelids, the corners of my eyes, and eventually my cheeks.

Then, without realizing it, I raised my hand and placed it on his chin. It was just as Johannes was about to press his lips to the corner of my mouth.

I gently pulled Johannes’ chin, which easily came into my hand, straight towards me. The forehead that had been touching mine seemed to twist a little, and Johannes’ lips brushed against the bridge of my nose. I mumbled against his lips.

“Me too… me too.”

“…”

“You said your head was boiling.”

The hand gripping my side tightened. The lips touching mine exhaled a long breath as if unable to bear it. Johannes, finally pressing himself against me, parted me, and our moist tongues intertwined in an instant. Johannes let out another sigh that sounded like a moan.

The night that followed was all dizzy with heat mixing with heat.

You love me, don’t you, Inette. Johannes asked persistently between kisses, panting a little. Yes, yes. I answered desperately, receiving his breathless whispers on the inside of my lips as I lay on my side.

Johannes’ head tilted sharply to one side. His lips passed the corner of my mouth, came down below my chin, briefly sucked on the hollow of my neck, and then came back up to my ear. Amidst the kisses pouring into this ear, between those hurried breaths.

“Did you pity me?”

Johannes asked in a low voice, as if not expecting an answer. As if to say there was no need to answer, he quickly covered my lips.

My mouth was blocked by his tongue entering deeply and intertwining softly. I swallowed saliva, indistinguishable as to whose it was, like sweet nectar. Unable to think of how to answer, I recalled Johannes from a few nights ago.

His appearance, whose pain I couldn’t even begin to fathom. Yet his eyes, which seemed more confused than ever, as if even the sense of pain had been dulled.

The tears he had painfully confessed with barely any consciousness.

Just as I had done that night, I cupped Johannes’ cheeks and gently pulled his lips away. Johannes, his head held by me, stared at me while taking rough breaths. Our noses lightly brushed.

“Somehow, no matter what you look like.”

“…”

“Do you dislike it?”

Johannes’ breathing stopped for a moment.

I couldn’t see below, blocked by Johannes who couldn’t take his eyes off mine. However, following his touch slowly lifting my nightgown and burrowing up to my collarbone, goosebumps rose on my skin. When he gently grasped below my chest under the hem of my clothes, even though the layers of bandages prevented complete contact, it felt as if my insides were tightening.

Johannes tilted his upper body to the side and settled in front of my chest. The hand that had been caressing the swollen flesh moved to my back and went down to my buttocks wrapped in thin underwear. As if substituting for that hand, it was Johannes’ lips that closed on my breast.