#85

“Are you that desperate?”

And for some reason, a slightly sharp question flowed from beneath the slightly lowered back of his hand. I believe I raised my eyes. It was partly because I didn’t fully understand the meaning of the question, but more so because I felt a sense of déjà vu from what I had just heard.

How did you end up like this? What have you been through? In other words, it was exactly the same tone I had heard from Johannes just before coming down to the south, right after that devilish and vicious night.

Though I didn’t know the full context, Johannes’ anger must have stemmed from the disbelief that I myself was well aware of, so I wanted to explain first.

However, I momentarily forgot to answer due to a feeling of dizziness at the back of my head. Suddenly recalling past events, I subconsciously noticed that there was something amiss in Johannes’ statement.

The pieces that had fit together well within me until then probably started to come apart little by little from that moment. However, the gap in the misaligned seam was so narrow that I wasn’t aware of it at the time.

I just stared blankly at Johannes. A heated silence flowed through the inner chamber. Realizing that Johannes’ hand gripping one of my shoulders was trembling unmistakably, I was about to open my mouth with difficulty when Johannes spoke first.

“I thought I had completely lost you this time.”

It was a voice as if he was about to kneel before me.

“I thought… you would never, truly never, rise again.”

The last voice that flowed out like rainwater was so unstable. The sharpness that Johannes had shown momentarily earlier was completely dulled and not a trace remained.

I pulled my upper body, which had been pressed close to Johannes, back a little. I brought his hand that was resting on my shoulder down to my chest and grasped it with both hands. It was almost a reflexive action. Because it seemed as if he would collapse right away if I didn’t hold onto him.

“I’m sorry.”

“……”

“I’m sorry, Johannes. I didn’t know you were so worried.”

“……”

“So I was being stubborn… Ah, what should I do? I’m sorry.”

“……”

“I really didn’t know… Hm? Johannes…”

Despite my sincere apology, Johannes remained silent. I wanted to make more excuses, but not knowing what else to say besides apologizing, I just kept opening and closing my mouth busily.

I felt so pathetic. It was as if my heated mind had turned blank. It was because I hadn’t immediately understood what kind of anxiety Johannes had been swallowing alone during those few days that seemed so short to me, just lying down.

Finally, I was captivated by Johannes’ eyes that were revealed again. In place of the hand that had been covering his eyes, there were the eyes that I was familiar with, as he often showed them particularly to me. Blue eyes painfully mixed with some regret and anger.

“…It’s all my fault.”

Johannes muttered as if talking to himself. I looked up at him with my lips slightly parted, unable to close them.

“It’s all my fault.”

Johannes repeated. As if engraving it with his lips. As if it were a story you absolutely had to hear. After looking down at me with a painful gaze for a moment, he finally squeezed his eyes shut and dropped his head. It was as if he didn’t even have the face to look at me anymore. He looked so miserable.

What on earth was his fault? Like a fool all that night, I didn’t immediately realize why Johannes was blaming himself. A short, anxious silence followed.

Is the unstable energy of a close other so easily transmitted? Without any valid reason, I gradually became anxious. Looking at his side profile, slightly twisted outward and only catching light on its elegant contours, I was somehow reminded of the scene I had vaguely seen in my sleep.

Yes, Johannes in my memory, who seemed as if his breath would be erased at any moment.

The strange sense of crisis that overcame me at that moment, the sensation of my entire lungs stinging and my knees involuntarily trembling, is still vivid in my heart. Finally, feeling as if I would stamp my feet, I shook my head urgently without knowing anything. I half rose up unsteadily and grabbed his waist without thinking.

“No.”

“……”

“It’s really not, Johannes. Why do you say it’s your fault? Why are you blaming yourself instead of someone else?”

“……”

“Do you think I fell ill because of what happened in the forest? It’s not like that. Even if it wasn’t for that day, this body would have fallen ill sooner or later anyway. Moreover, wasn’t it a situation where you had reason to be angry? I didn’t explain anything like a fool. If anything, I should be sorry. I… I was so flustered that day… So…”

“……”

“…Johannes.”

“……”

“I’m fine, Johannes.”

I was desperate to comfort him. It seemed like things had gone terribly wrong, and I was distressed. The reunion I had imagined all day alone in the unfamiliar room without Johannes was not supposed to be such a painful sight.

After a long excuse, I begged him several times to look at me, but Johannes didn’t seem to have any intention of turning around. I saw his brow furrowing as if he was about to burst into tears. The more I apologized, the more he seemed to be in pain rather than feeling better.

For a moment, my vision spun.

Perhaps because I felt urgent, my heated vision became suddenly dizzy. Fortunately, Johannes’ arm rose abruptly to support me. Unable to steady my head that felt like it was about to fall forward, I finally leaned my cheek against his body while hugging him.

Why am I in pain like this now of all times? I was on the verge of being angry at myself. I rubbed my face against Johannes’ body that touched my cheek. I closed my eyes tightly and moved my lips earnestly.

“Well, yes. I still… have a fever… but look. I’m still standing up quite well. After resting for a few days, this kind of thing will soon go down. I’ll get better as if I was never so sick. So you don’t need to blame yourself at all.”

Johannes gave no answer. He just breathed out irregular and rough breaths several times while wrapping my shoulders. Soon after, I felt Johannes, still unable to erase his criminal-like expression, bow his head even deeper. He muttered while biting his lip.

“…It’s not just that.”

“Then?”

“Don’t you know now too?”

“What…”

And hesitation.

“Who truly pushed you to the brink of death.”

“……”

“It’s all, my fault.”

I realized then that Johannes’ self-blame was his first confession.

Johannes slowly sank down. Kneeling on both knees below the bed, he covered my thighs sitting on the bed with his upper body and placed his head below my chest. His arms and fists, firmly planted on both sides as if caging me in, were shaking up to his shoulders with tension.

“Please don’t deny it anymore, Inette. Don’t comfort me, and don’t pretend to care for me. I can’t let you go now, but if you just ignore it, it will only make things harder for both of us. Rather, resent me as much as you want. Hate me with all your might and use me to the fullest. I think it would be more bearable for me to see that than to see your changed eyes in the future. I’m begging you like this.”

Johannes, spilling out words rapidly, looked so unstable. The poor man was even short of breath. There was no room for me to interject, nor for him to catch his breath.

“…I feel like I’m going crazy with anxiety.”

In the end, my throat choked up. His platinum blonde hair seemed to be shattering pitifully as it shook below my chest. I barely managed to raise my trembling arms and placed both hands on his head. So you knew too. So it wasn’t something you did without knowing. But what should I do, Johannes?

I… I think I’ve already forgiven everything.

I froze as I unconsciously tried to stroke him. I hesitated, not sure if it was okay to touch him like this. Only after seeing Johannes’ attitude, not particularly rejecting my touch, did I finally gather my courage.

I slowly stroked the back of his head and around his ears, suppressing the trembling rising from within.

“I… don’t know, Johannes.”

The voice I barely managed to produce after swallowing once was so cracked. I continued speaking without even clearing my throat.

“I really don’t understand… why you think I’m not seeing you clearly. In the forest and on that night a few days ago, I really… wasn’t bothered at all.”

“……”

“Johannes. Why are you so anxious? I told you, didn’t I? That I won’t leave. You haven’t forgotten, have you?”

“……”

“You know, I… I didn’t make that promise to you lightly. I’m serious…”

Johannes’ head, which had been buried below my chest, hesitated as if it was about to rise immediately. But he apparently didn’t have the confidence to look at me yet, as he paused several times while rising and finally stopped at about half a span up. I could barely see his eyes and nose bridge shadowed in the backlight.

I lowered my hand that had been covering his head and cupped his cheek. I felt a sensation as if he was firmly pressing his lips together, enveloped in my palm. Soon, a deeply suppressed voice leaked out, barely audible.

“…Didn’t you say you were scared?”

“Me?”

“Yes…”

“When?”

“Just now.”

“…Huh?”

“When I woke you up.”

I hesitated, unable to answer. Other than the day my first husband was murdered years ago, had I ever feared this man even once in my life? Had I been afraid of Johannes recently? When exactly?

It was completely incomprehensible. Since Johannes didn’t seem like he would say something pointless, I desperately searched through my memories. As always, I couldn’t immediately understand his words.

…Ah.

It was only when the time flowing in silence was about to become awkward that I recalled the nightmares I had suffered until just before Johannes returned and the sleep paralysis that had weighed me down. I think I might have blurted out words without thinking, too relieved when I first discovered Johannes, saying I was scared.

“No. It wasn’t you I was afraid of…”

I tried to urgently explain that it was myself in the dream, that it was my own cruelty that had killed you.

“Originally, the unconscious is faster than the conscious, Inette.”

Johannes cut me off sharply, as if he had known I would say that. He collapsed in front of me, covering his face with his elbows propped up. Seeing him looking as if even the soft light illuminating him was weighing down on his back, I couldn’t even offer a small comfort.

And that day, Johannes poured out at length the inner thoughts I hadn’t heard in the forest. Briefly, but unable to completely erase his anxious expression, he spoke several times, shaking his head.