#68

I supported my upper body with trembling arms and lay on my side. I couldn’t say anything. I just felt like my heart was burning up, thinking the person in front of me must be a lie. My mind exploded into blankness, unable to think of anything.

“…As I was wondering how to wake you, you called out to me.”

Johannes whispered to me. It was a melancholic voice. It felt as if he was speaking in an unfamiliar language, and I couldn’t understand its meaning. I only sensed with my whole being the unbelievable fact that he was here.

“Jo… hannes…?”

Johannes remained silent. After raising his body, he reached out his hand again to me, who couldn’t even move.

It was the same hesitation as before. Almost approaching, yet not quite. I felt the touch of Johannes’ fingertips, which had hovered in the air before finally reaching out carefully, slowly wiping my eyes.

“Ah.”

With my dull mind, I was startled half a beat late at the sudden contact and ended up taking in a breath that made my already tense shoulders heave. Johannes, startled by this reaction, quickly withdrew his hand.

His gaze fell drop by drop through the pitch-black air. At that moment, he might have recalled the last conversation we had before that day.

And perhaps I had been crying in my dream. The area where his touch had landed was already damp. My entire eye area stung terribly, even as I couldn’t believe the person I was seeing. In that moment of indescribable confusion, it all felt like a lie or an extension of a sad dream.

“Jo…”

As I unconsciously tried to reach out to him, Johannes turned away from me and slowly sat back.

“How much more do you intend to sway me before you’re satisfied?”

He muttered lowly, bowing his head forward like someone completely exhausted. It was entirely different from the kind voice in my dream that had avoided me. It was a tone that showed clear signs of fatigue and even mixed with inexplicable anger. I couldn’t even understand the meaning of his words right away. Sway? What had I done?

“…It took three days.”

Johannes murmured softly. The tendon from his tightly clenched wrist to his shoulder seemed to pull even his voice, tightly suppressed. The tension in his fist resting on his thigh was so palpable even in the darkness.

“Do you understand? It only took me three days to get here. …No, that’s right. The days you waited after sending the letter might have felt incredibly long to you. Even so, Isolde. How could you…”

Johannes’ words lost strength and scattered in the air. He bowed his waist even deeper. He even rested his elbow on his knee and covered his forehead with one hand. The headband he wore spilled over his forehead, and his sleeveless long coat rustled softly with his movements.

I couldn’t grasp the situation until then, so I couldn’t give any answer. I could hardly fathom why Johannes was reproaching me, and I just felt dizzy. I couldn’t even guess when or what kind of letter I had sent.

Did I unknowingly send that thing I had written down like a complaint some time ago?

No. I had clearly crumpled up and burned the unfinished piece of paper. But a letter? In a situation that felt hardly real and even seemed not to be my story, I could only breathe heavily without being able to open my mouth.

And in the meantime, Johannes, who seemed to have composed himself alone, apologized to me in a voice tinged with resignation.

“…I’m sorry for waking you up so suddenly in the middle of the night. I should have come out before you fell asleep, but I didn’t expect you to fall asleep so quickly. I couldn’t bring myself to come out. Because I… didn’t have the courage to see you… I delayed for a long time.”

“Wait, Jo…”

“Yes, I didn’t have the courage. I just couldn’t believe myself…. How could I have… to you… that bastard, no, what should I have done…”

Although I tried to speak to him as my mind finally cleared at the sound of his voice, Johannes seemed to be wandering between self-reproach and resentment. With his hand on his forehead and his lips tightly pressed, he seemed not to hear my voice at all. He just let out a voice that sounded like a monologue for a long time. Perhaps as he recalled what he had heard and witnessed, his indignation had risen again.

“Did you tell him about me?”

Johannes suddenly turned his head towards me. That tone, that voice.

“That you left because some disgusting bastard… terribly tormented you?”

That look in his eyes.

The wound he had received alone, without a chance to refute, was clearly evident. I’m not sure how I could see Johannes’ sadly contorted eyes in the dark room where only faint moonlight barely shone through.

“Johannes, Johannes.”

I hurriedly raised my body, which was not easily moved, and approached him, kneeling down. Clinging to him, I grasped the hem of his coat and asked urgently.

“I don’t understand what you’re saying. Please explain it to me. Okay?”

It felt like being swept away by a rapid current. Even without fully understanding the content, his distorted eyes swept through my heart. To have such a distressing and incomprehensible conversation right after meeting the person I had longed for so much?

I wanted to throw myself into his arms and cry my heart out right then and there, but my heart was burning up with this conversation that seemed to hit a wall at every turn.

“What do you mean by a letter? Who do you mean by ‘that bastard’? Who are you talking about now?”

I pulled at Johannes’ coat hem, which he wasn’t easily answering. My chest felt unbearably tight. My brain felt like a tangled skein of various emotions, heavy enough to forget everything I had tried to protect in that moment.

“…Indridason’s son.”

Johannes, who had been staring at me with eyes mixed equally with anger and sadness, finally answered quietly. I couldn’t help but raise my eyebrows and asked back.

“Henrik?”

“Yes.”

“Why is he…”

“The man who carried you into this bedroom.”

“……”

Ah.

For a moment, my tongue was tied. My heart, it squeezed unbearably. It felt as if a strange stone had flown from somewhere and struck the nape of my neck.

“…You, where…”

I was about to ask where he had been watching from, but I swallowed my voice. I wasn’t curious at all about when, where, or how he had sneaked into this room. Was that important? To me, the wound I had unintentionally inflicted on Johannes was a more urgent matter.

No, not his wound, but the vague anxiety that he might abandon me poured over my back.

Ah, he must have heard all the nonsense I spouted. What should I do!

Even though I had no intention of following Johannes. Yes, I was the one who had pushed him away first. Even then, I was this selfish. Putting my emotions first, I grabbed his forearm. I shook my head until I was dizzy.

“No. It’s not like that.”

“……”

“Johannes, please listen to me. Whatever you saw or heard, it’s all a misunderstanding.”

Fortunately or unfortunately, Johannes didn’t pull away or remove my hand. He just closed his eyes tightly. My heart seemed to break at his forehead falling diagonally like that.

“You don’t have to make excuses to me, Isolde.”

“Johannes, it’s really not like that…!”

“Isolde, I’m not trying to blame you now… No, I… your choice…”

Johannes, who had been muttering as if to calm me down, couldn’t finish his words. His face sank even deeper, leaving only his eyelashes and the bridge of his nose barely visible. The sound of his breath, slowly inhaled as if trying to endure something, was unsettling.

To this, I waited for what would come next with the feeling of a child being punished. Watching Johannes made me feel like I couldn’t breathe. After a long wait, he opened his mouth again.

“It’s shameful to confess, but… I couldn’t bear it…”

Cracking, as if breaking off. And what followed was a tone so suppressed it seemed as if it would devour his own voice.

“…I couldn’t handle myself. I couldn’t control myself. Isolde, to tell you the truth, even in that brief moment of coming here, I couldn’t keep my sanity wondering what might have happened to you. Ah, it’s the same even now. Do you know? You, even at a glance from afar, you’ve become too thin. What on earth have you been through all this time.”

“……”

“I can’t even begin to imagine how much pain you must have endured here. It must have been hard. You, who despise me so much… how desperate must you have been to send me such a letter. I know. I’m not completely unaware. But…”

Johannes’ face, which had been half-lowered darkly, slowly rose. His furrowed brow, like someone reopening their own wound or swallowing bitter water, was the first thing I noticed. His melancholy blue eyes gazed at me.

“What should I do, Isolde.”

His voice, briefly exhaled, was red. As if it would cover even his blue eyes.

“I can’t bear how angry I am at you. Ah… Yes. Even knowing I have no right… it’s boiling up inside me. You’re the one who called for me, aren’t you? Why… why couldn’t you have waited a little longer.”

Saying this, Johannes gently grasped my wrist that was clinging to him. His hand was trembling slightly. As if restraining himself from gripping me tightly, like on that night long ago.

“Why… why, him.”

Dull as I was, I could only pant like a fool, unable to take my eyes off Johannes’ gaze even then. Feeling Johannes’ grip gradually tightening on my skin, I felt like a frightened animal.

“Johannes, I, what…”

“…Did he kiss you?”

Cutting off my words, Johannes asked me in a tone that had become clearly angry.

“Did you accept it? What else did you do?”

“No, it’s not like…”

“Did you tell him you loved him too?”

“Johannes, no…”

“Strictly speaking, he’s just as much your relative as if you shared blood. Yet you don’t find him disgusting? Is he bearable? Enough for you to suggest leaving together first? Why. Why not me…!”

Johannes raised his voice more and more. He was throwing knives directly at me, yet he also seemed to be hurt by his own questions. Questions that deliberately confirmed facts he didn’t need to know, as if grasping a blade without a handle. It must have been like self-harm.

I firmly believe it must have been so.

“Johannes!”

I ended up cutting off his voice. At my shout, Johannes clamped his mouth shut. And then silence. Whether he knew it or not, the grip that had somehow become strong enough to twist my wrist and his chest heaving roughly were all in violent silence.

It felt as if I was being pushed towards the edge of a cliff. Because Johannes’ reproach towards me was utterly shocking. Ah, I. With what feelings had I endured this hell. With what thoughts had I been holding onto my sanity, counting the days without any promise until now.