#43

It was a voice that seemed to suffocate me, begging to be embraced. I couldn’t answer. His voice, on the verge of shedding tears instead of words, filled me with unbearable guilt. I never dreamed that Johannes… would hold me in such a way.

Johannes was pleading with me.

“Please don’t do this….”

He embraced me. He grasped the back of my head and pressed it firmly, burying my entire face in his shoulder. It was more a gesture of him clinging to me rather than embracing me. It was a fierce hug that crushed my shoulders and chest bound by his arms. He was so desperate.

I couldn’t believe how powerless Johannes seemed, who I thought had everything. It was a gesture that tore at my heart, feeling like I was abandoning not just a lover, but a helpless person, a child.

Little by little.

His hair, soaked in moonlight, was achingly beautiful. The faint scent lingering on his nape was too sweet. And the arms holding me were surprisingly firm. It was strange.

Tell me more.

Call my name.

Hold me.

Surely I was the one desperate at the bottom, holding only loneliness. Yet it was strange that this beautiful person was the one lowering himself, grasping and clinging more than I, always.

The night I ran back to the stone coffin.

Before leaving the bedroom, I gazed for a long time at Johannes’ naked body lying beside me. His face resembled mine too much, which upset me, so I hoped to find some part that didn’t resemble me at all.

But in the end, even his resembling face was good. There was nothing about him that wasn’t lovely. When I embraced his neck to the back of his head in my arms and kissed the bridge of his nose, I couldn’t bear how pretty his lips looked, clinging to me even in his sleep. To me….

I love you.

Johannes never once said that simple phrase to me.

But I had no choice but to believe him. For example, his gaze, his voice. I believed Johannes’ eyes that seemed to say he couldn’t go on without me now, that he might really die because of me.

How sweet was his voice as he awkwardly asked how my days were without him, if I missed him. I had no choice but to believe his voice lamenting my inevitable absence.

And the sighs like gasps he let out as he looked at, bit, and wet my bare face, chest, and legs until they were worn… Those hesitant yet deep gestures. Even that wet face, a dizzying mire of guilt and excitement.

Yes, because there were days when I believed without doubt that it was a desire to be one, as just seeing and touching was far from enough and left us wanting more….

Was your heart in such a hurry? Unbearable affection once again desperately reared its head. Were you so afraid of being abandoned by me? Tears that had stopped welled up again, making my whole heart ache.

Blinded by the moment, I was overcome with the urge to sew up these terrible lips that thoughtlessly laid out emotions I dared not take responsibility for, dragging my loved one into a quagmire. The pain that came over like dust between my parted lips made my whole mouth ache.

No. I cried out inwardly.

It’s not a whim. It’s not a lie. Saying you’re right, that I held onto you and I loved you, I wanted to jump up from the windowsill right then and embrace his head to my chest to comfort him. I almost unconsciously stroked his back.

But I had to suppress it.

We’re clearly together, but the darkness ahead is invisible. So this is better for you. Please don’t worry about me. I’m fine. Even if you’re suffering now, you know. It’s temporary. If you endure for just a moment, it will all be over.

I hoped he wouldn’t regret our parting.

Just as Johannes had given up everything to choose me, I, who had nothing to give, wanted to give him the chance to completely abandon me.

I desperately hoped that Johannes could perfectly erase me from his daily life, without completely losing affection for me, without hating me, without suffering because of me. So I deliberately chose the harsh path.

The night wind stinging my back was like a cool mist.

The hammer and nails that finally tore out of my belly were as firm as my resolve from 8 years ago, and I barely managed to feign expressionlessness, clutching my tearing heart to avoid showing any sign of pain. Any painful feelings, I let the wind carry away.

“Do you know?”

I said, pulling away from Johannes’ embrace.

“The demon possessing you….”

The air froze in an instant. Johannes lifted his face like lightning.

“That… I summoned it.”

I quietly confessed my sin. I saw Johannes’ eyes, completely like ice under the moonlight, shake as if about to shatter. His lips parted and closed several times as if trying to say something to me.

“…What are you saying.”

He finally asked me. It was a voice that fell, drop by drop, to the lowest possible place.

“…What did you summon?”

I stared at Johannes, enduring the pain to come. I suppressed my pounding heart. I parted my lips with as little trembling as possible.

“I’m the one who summoned the demon. Everything you went through, all of it… was my fault.”

Johannes’ lips were slightly parted, but he seemed to have stopped breathing. He looked almost soulless. His gaze fell into empty space, and he shook his head imperceptibly a few times. I saw his confused eyes rise to me along with a labored exhale. And, plop.

“…You. When…”

He trailed off, as if he couldn’t believe it. I was silent for a moment. After somehow organizing my thoughts, which were difficult despite my best efforts to steel my resolve, I answered.

“It was that afternoon when you first had a seizure. That is, the day I received the marriage proposal…”

To steady my shaking self, I recalled Johannes’ appearance that day. I imagined the pain of something, whether to call it a creature or part of himself, piercing his insides. And Johannes’ terrible endurance, almost like a seizure. All the pain you had to bear was my fault.

I’m sorry.

“I couldn’t stand it. I knew what kind of person that old man was… I had overheard. So… I broke the stone coffin in desperation. I begged not to marry that man. Then… that day, that thing came out.”

“Isolde, that’s not…!”

Johannes, finally regaining some human-like composure, cried out urgently.

“I wanted to take responsibility for you, thinking it happened because of me.”

I quickly cut off Johannes’ words. As if swallowing his breath, Johannes’ Adam’s apple bobbed greatly as he suddenly closed his mouth. As I pulled my body back and lifted my face, Johannes moved his upper body slightly to create space for movement.

Even then, his touch on my waist, steadying me as if out of habit, pierced my burning heart. I secretly clenched my slightly trembling hand, hiding it from Johannes.

“…I was scared. You’re right. At that time when I entrusted myself to you, I was so… scared… I was out of my mind. I was desperate to somehow avoid the marriage proposal. But you happened to be… kind… so I relied on you. I didn’t cling to you with any particular feelings.”

This must have been the first wound. Johannes’ expression changed noticeably.

“Are you… really saying that now…”

If his first reaction was mere excessive bewilderment, his expression then was confusion itself. From the always gentle corners of his eyes, black and gray gradually spread and mixed like mud. It was sadness and anger. And a very slight doubt that couldn’t quite let go of the last thread.

I never believed in you.

After telling me that.

“I couldn’t see anything then.”

I raised my voice slightly.

“The guilt came later. Really… it was so great. It felt like you might become something terrible because of my mistake. I was afraid you might one day completely… turn into… that thing. I couldn’t bear the thought that I was the one who ruined your future like that.”

“……”

“And anyway, anyway, we… had already done that, so…. Despite having nothing, I tried to take responsibility for you. Please don’t argue. I know it’s laughable for someone like me to talk about responsibility.”

Johannes seemed to have stopped even breathing, motionless. Just his complexion turning deathly pale. That paleness, deepening with each passing moment, seemed to be slicing me to pieces.

Telling lies wasn’t particularly difficult. As if I had been firmly preparing for a long time, the words flowed smoothly without much deliberation. Perhaps it was because those lies fit our reality better than the intimate truth.

“But, you know…. You haven’t had any seizures since the day of the exorcism, right? It was so quiet that… I thought maybe it was too old to have any magical power left and couldn’t hold on any longer, and then… the fact that you’re my brother… what you did to me when you turned into a demon….”

But the last part wouldn’t come out easily. I swallowed a sharp nail. That nail, a long spike that would tear through my insides and pierce Johannes too. I ground down my gaze with all my might and looked straight at Johannes. With a tongue roughened by rust, I aimed for the center of his chest.

“It felt unbelievably filthy.”

Thud.

One step.

Johannes stepped back. After that, there was no movement at all. He just stared at me intently, as if bound by my gaze.

Johannes’ pupils, as if shattered in an instant, had not a speck of life left in them. His complexion, paler than usual, making his icy blue eyes stand out, was like a corpse.

“The things I said to you earlier…. That I don’t want to see you, don’t want to touch you…. That I hate it when you look at me or touch me….”

“……”

“It wasn’t said in anger. It was sincere. Now even seeing your face is horrible. It’s disgusting. So….”

“……”

“I don’t want to be by your side. I really hate it.”

After my thorough rejection, we didn’t say anything for a while. Johannes, standing before me like a desolate cliff, didn’t show a shred of emotion. Only occasionally the sound of clothes rustling in the cool breeze was heard, and darkness that couldn’t get any deeper lingered between us for a long time.

It seemed like quite a long time had passed. I felt like I was walking barefoot on knife blades. I couldn’t even turn my head away from Johannes for fear of giving room for a different interpretation, but his empty gaze and atmosphere made my whole body feel sliced, making me so anxious.

I felt like I was going crazy wanting to run to Johannes. To say something, anything. To get angry. To despise weak me, shouldn’t he at least do that?

When my patience was wearing thin and my toes were tingling.

“You….”

Finally, as if to block me from jumping off, Johannes’ lips suddenly parted. The end of his completely scraped voice faded dryly. It was more like a groan. A groan leaking through the pale gap, showing no will to seek an answer.

I looked at Johannes, composing my tense calves. He was facing forward but not looking at me. Just his gaze frozen in the empty space between us.

“What were all those confessions you made to me?”