#41

Johan tormented me persistently even as my vision flickered on and off. My highly aroused body trembled uncontrollably. A shudder burrowing below rose up my spine to the back of my neck, and I had to bite my lip to keep from crying out. I dug my nails into Johan’s back.

What this body must give to a man, what it must endure. I was never unaware. Even in my young mind, my resolve was like solid flint, so although I may have stained the bedsheet with tender blood, I never showed tears. Not that it wasn’t painful, of course.

The dimly lit banquet hall. The gazes of voyeuristic witnesses piercing through opaque curtains and their low whispers exchanged among themselves. Meanwhile, my husband undressing me – it all felt like one mass.

It was sticky like crumbling air. It built up from inside my belly, piled up to my throat, and that night. It was a time when I felt I would be crushed under the weight of the burden I carried. The wedding night with my ex-husband was so painful.

Johan.

It was just like that day. Though my head and body were ready to accept, my insides were a mess. Only despair overwhelmed me, like a helpless weed rooted in the ground beside a burning fortress, powerlessly witnessing the process of us all breaking, shattering, and falling apart. I could not understand Johan’s words that dug into my heart like an awl honed over a long time.

Mercy? He couldn’t trust me? What are you talking about? What are we doing now? His intoxicated body felt hot enough to die, but my heart was filled with nothing but shame. Different versions of myself stirred within me.

The dark room looked all red. My pinned thighs were numb, and with stimulation above and below, I couldn’t think of anything.

“…Cry more, Inette.”

It seems I had been crying for some time. Johan murmured, licking my tears flowing sideways from the corners of my eyes as if kissing them.

“No, ah…”

“Let everyone hear you instead.”

“No…. Johan, no, ah, uh….”

“Moan louder.”

“Stop…. Stop.”

“…Please.”

Johan moaned as if spewing tears from his throat. His voice made my chest ache. A white-hot glow seared my vision. The breath I had been holding burst forth, and gradually, my whole body slackened as if to burrow into the bed. The climax was instantaneous.

Johan, who had collapsed on top of me and caught his breath for a while, slowly propped himself up beside my head and leaned over. He caressed me slowly. It seemed as if he was savoring the afterglow that I had never allowed, alone for a long time. He just gazed at me for a long time. As if my tears, painful because of him, were some kind of aphrodisiac.

I turned my head away instead.

“…Giovinetta. Answer me.”

“Am I terrible? Were you happy to leave me?”

“If you answer prettily, I’ll let you go….”

I couldn’t bear to face him. The intense excitement that had lingered on Johan’s face throughout our union. That excitement, so obvious and ruthless, as if he couldn’t help himself with me. Because it reminded me of how he had whispered cruelly, disgustingly cruelly, that you must hurt, you must suffer more. Because the demon’s cruel words and actions overlapped entirely with Johan’s face.

After showering my body with kisses, Johan soon got off the bed. The sound of his footsteps faded away, and after what seemed like several drawers opening and closing as if searching for something, there was a splashing sound of water.

When Johan returned, he said to me:

“Lift your hips.”

“……”

What is he trying to do now?

But I didn’t ask. I didn’t even pretend to hear. My arms and legs were heavy as if I had the flu, my head felt raw as if stirred with a poker, and I was even disgusted with myself.

I remembered myself succumbing to Johan, clinging to his body unable to handle the sensations despite the shame. Was it the effect of the drug? What on earth did I do? That moment when I couldn’t even just blame Johan. The wretchedness outweighed even the guilt of needing to hurt Johan, big or small. Ah, I wanted to make it all disappear and vanish.

I heard him sitting down beside me. And a wet towel touched my body that had swollen at will. After wiping me carefully and thoroughly, Johan pulled my legs in front of him and began to put something on both my ankles. From the delicate sensation on my skin, I could tell that Johan was putting new underwear on me.

“Lift your hips, Inette.”

Johan demanded once more after pulling the underwear up to my thighs, and not wanting to remain naked any longer, I had no choice but to comply. What on earth is he trying to do? Does he even know what he’s done?

What on earth have we done? Tears welled up again with bitter resentment. Then I raised my arms to cover my eyes. Because I didn’t want to see either Johan or myself.

He climbed back onto the bed and knelt with me between his knees, reaching out as if to adjust my nightgown that had been pushed up to around my collarbone.

Suddenly, he let out a low gasp.

“…Uh.”

I too let out a short moan almost simultaneously.

He bit me. As if he couldn’t bear it any longer, hurriedly like a beggar pouring a ten-day ration down his throat all at once. I just squeezed my eyes shut, trying to stifle my voice. My heart started racing again at his breathless panting and movements….

It was rather dreadful.

Only after he had finished did Johan fumble to pull down my skirt. As if he had exercised some kind of restraint, I remember his fingertips trembling slightly as he gripped the hem of the skirt.

Johan sat me up. His eyes looked tired and somewhat dazed. After silently gazing at me for a moment, Johan tidied his hair and clothes.

“Let’s go.”

Johan said as he put my coat that had fallen to the floor on me.

“…Don’t touch me.”

I brushed off his hand. Johan seemed to freeze for a moment. But he spoke firmly:

“You’ll be cold, Inette.”

“I’m fine.”

“I’m telling you, you’ll be cold.”

“No. I won’t be cold. Because I’m not going.”

I saw Johan bite his lip as he sat facing me. He forcibly wrapped the coat around my body, and I mindlessly hit his hand. The coat fell to the floor with a thud. Our gazes fixed on the floor.

A brief silence.

Johan, who had been sitting still for a moment, got off the bed and picked up the coat. I spoke without giving him a single glance.

“I will never again with you….”

“I already said I won’t let you go.”

But Johan cut off my words. A faint backlight. His shadowed profile was darker than the night. Johan threw down the coat he was holding and strode down from the bed. In just a few large steps, he was at my feet.

Johan grabbed my ankle without giving me any chance.

“Ah!”

In an instant, my body fell backwards and was dragged. The blanket that had been under me spilled onto the floor. Taking advantage of Johan releasing my ankle, I sprang up and stood firm on my feet, but immediately my shoulders were grabbed. I was dragged along with a force that felt like my joints would dislocate. I cried out without realizing.

“Johan! No….”

“Shut up.”

Johan spat out in an unprecedentedly cold voice. It felt like my shoulder would pop out. The skin gripped in his hand felt like it would be all bruised. I struggled as I was dragged towards the window.

“Ah, it hurts. It hurts!”

I pleaded, almost on the verge of tears. Johan didn’t even look at me. He retorted coldly:

“…It’s too late. Don’t expect me to consider your feelings one by one.”

“Stop….”

“You, even if you’re miserable for life….”

“Johan!”

“Be miserable by my side.”

It seemed like a cruel resolve.

That’s how our struggle began – Johan trying to carry me away somehow, and me trying to escape somehow.

I was lifted into his arms several times. Each time, I struggled until my hair was disheveled and escaped. I pushed Johan away with all my might, frantically fleeing inward, but before I could take even two steps, my waist was grabbed and I was dragged to the window, only to escape again – this chaos repeated.

As I flailed, my elbow struck Johan’s abdomen. But Johan seemed to have become completely numb to pain. Without even a slight flinch, he was just persistent in holding onto me.

Unable to make loud noises, we both gritted our teeth and fought fiercely. The atmosphere in the inner chamber was eerily quiet due to this silent battle, and at the same time, it was utter chaos.

Struggling. Struggling. Struggling! The struggle to leave, the struggle unable to let go! The sound of entangled limbs flailing and wrestling! Our breaths were uncontrollably rough. Occasionally, there was even the sound of clothes ripping, whose I couldn’t tell. Then, ah, I was completely caught.

Arms stretched from behind, binding and restraining my whole body. Johan’s arm firmly pressed and supported me below my chest, my feet tangled and unable to stand straight. Completely off balance as if about to fall to the floor, I was dragged like a package.

“Let go of this. Let, this, go!”

Held awkwardly from behind like that, I shook with a final shudder and swallowed my sobs.

My hair, all tangled from thrashing my face around, fell forward in clumps, obscuring my vision. Through the gaps, I saw one of my shoes, which had come off at some point, hopelessly receding into the distance. Johan’s breath was falling on my crown, huff, huff.

“How can a person be so cruel?”

Johan whispered breathlessly.

“If you want to be cruel. Because your nature is nothing but a careless thorn, and despite having no earnest wishes, you wanted to stir up a person like an instinct! I should stab you to death right before your eyes, I should kill you completely.”

Bitter anger dripped from every word he struggled to pour out.

“At least I should watch until you die so you don’t show your back as you leave! Don’t you have even that much compassion? Huh?”

Every word he pressed out like that struck the kiln and became wounds. Anger welled up like tears. The situation of stabbing and being stabbed in turn was so sickening that I felt I would go mad with frustration, not knowing what to do.

Now you’re calling me cruel? Do you think I endure this flesh-tearing act for my own pleasure? All this trouble, whose fault is it? What have you done to me!