#38

I struggled to put my feet down under the bed and sat on the edge. The distance between Johannes and me was about three or four steps. Standing just that far apart, Johannes looked as precarious as a sapling growing on the edge of a cliff.

Johannes, fully turned towards me, said:

“You must be surprised. I understand. But can’t you make an exception just this once? I… I don’t want to see that damn southerner lusting after you anymore.”

Johannes’ voice gradually lowered along with his gaze falling diagonally. The southerner seemed to refer to the eldest son of the old man we met that evening. I could feel a strange heat rising in Johannes’ neat eyes as he recalled the evening’s events.

“I’m proud of myself for enduring it somehow. That crazy bastard… Drooling over a woman who’s to be a mother. Even as I saw it with my own eyes, I couldn’t believe it…”

The following content was like a carelessly extended branch. It pierced my ribs in an instant and was only cut off when Johannes stopped speaking. Johannes jerked his head up, and I stared back at him, forgetting even to breathe. Silence with both our mouths shut.

That sudden silence lasted quite long. It was an awkward and painful time for both sides, as if we had inadvertently swallowed lye. Silence. Johannes’ gaze fell into empty space.

A hint of self-mockery began to seep into Johannes’ face. It was a gloomy and bitter smile. Huff. And a short sigh. Shaking his head as if to shake it off, Johannes walked to the clothes chest.

With an uncanny eye, he picked out only the clothes I liked to wear, draped them over his arm, and returned to me. He spread out a few coats and skirts on the bed and sat down beside me.

Then he put his hand on me. Without a moment’s hesitation, as if it were the most natural thing, that hand went to my back and untied the strings of my nightgown, greatly flustering me.

“…Johannes!”

I was so startled that my slumped shoulders jumped. Johannes’ hand was withdrawn as quickly as it had come up, but the cool air touched my bare back exposed through the open nightgown. I pressed myself against the headboard. I faced Johannes head-on. I saw Johannes with his eyes wide open.

“No… don’t.”

I blurted out without realizing and swallowed dry. As if he hadn’t expected such a strong refusal, Johannes seemed more surprised than me. He just blinked, unable to speak easily. I just breathed heavily, not knowing what to do. I wanted to explain that it wasn’t his fault, but I didn’t know how to start.

That we shouldn’t be doing this now.

“I’m sorry…. Did I startle you? I was just trying to help you. I didn’t mean anything else…. Are you still embarrassed? Should I turn around?”

Johannes, who had been hesitating whether to approach me or not, said as he stood up. My stomach twisted. I felt choked up at the voice that calmly examined me.

“Ah, no…. That’s not it…. Well, I’m just not in the mood today.”

“Not in the mood?”

What should I do? What should I do?

“Johannes, I don’t want to go today. So… can’t we leave another time?”

Johannes stared at me. He looked like he was about to speak. Please don’t ask. I wanted to beg him. I didn’t have the confidence to push him away right now. I just wanted to postpone it somehow, even if just for a while.

“…Why?”

Johannes asked. It was unexpectedly calm. His expression and tone didn’t seem particularly angry or flustered. I got a strange impression for a moment, but it was fleeting. Johannes continued.

“If it’s not a big reason, let’s not postpone it any further. There’s no harm in leaving early.”

“I really… don’t want to go.”

“Why not?”

“Well…”

“‘Just because’ or other insubstantial excuses won’t do. I can’t accept that.”

Johannes quietly cut me off. I wanted to come up with a plausible excuse and persuade Johannes, but even in my anxiety, the effects of the medicine hadn’t worn off, and my eyelids felt heavy as lead. I felt his gaze urging me on as I felt like I might fall back at any moment. I finally started to make up something.

“Today, because I took medicine… I don’t think I’ll be able to wake up easily.”

“Medicine?”

“Yes. I took a little… sleeping draught.”

“…So that’s why you look like a dazed frog. You know your eyes are unfocused right now, right?”

Johannes laughed briefly, as if relieved. He ruffled my hair as he spoke.

“I’ll carry you securely. Don’t worry. I won’t drop you.”

“I’m scared.”

“Then just sleep a bit more. I’ll move you while you’re unaware. Where’s the trunk?”

Johannes, who had swept my disheveled bangs back to my crown like a rake, was about to turn towards the dressing table next to the mirror. Wait. I barely managed to grab his collar. His gaze, blocked from where it was going, came down to me.

“I said I don’t want to today, Johannes.”

“You’ll be down in the blink of an eye.”

Johannes whispered as if coaxing me.

“It’s not… It’s not that. I don’t want to.”

“So…”

He sighed shortly with a troubled smile.

“Why? You need to give me a reason I can understand.”

“Do I have to give a reason?”

“Giovinetta.”

Shadows finally began to fall on his consistently gentle eyes. I wanted to avoid that moment as much as I couldn’t help myself. I quietly raged in front of the pitiful him.

“Because I don’t want to… I don’t want to.”

“…”

“I just don’t want to.”

“…”

“I don’t want to, Johannes.”

Johannes was silent. Looking back now, it seems he sensed my change of heart from that moment.

Johannes suddenly looked down at his collar that I was holding onto. It was an expressionless gaze, unreadable of any emotion or meaning. Johannes, who had quietly raised his arm, grasped the back of my hand and immediately applied force as if to tear it off. I cried out urgently.

“Why… why are you like this, really. I don’t want to today. I said I don’t want to. How many times do I have to refuse before you’ll listen?”

I saw Johannes’ jaw tighten. The grip covering the back of my hand gradually loosened. Finally, only a light warmth remained.

“…It seems like no ordinary reason.”

Johannes muttered lowly. He stood still for a long time, avoiding looking at me sitting awkwardly. His gaze, which seemed to have stopped time, soon returned to me.

Slowly, carefully.

It was after that when the tall figure knelt down on one knee and sat on the floor as if praying. Holding mine in one hand, and cupping my face with the other to lower it towards him,

“What on earth is the matter…”

He asked.

“Tell me.”

“…”

“Hm? Giovinetta.”

“…”

“It’s okay…”

The tip of my nose stung. My whole cheeks felt like they would burn at his gentle presence.

His tone, which was infinitely gentle, felt like spring sunlight secretly entering only my bedroom, and it took my breath away. I was shaken helplessly. Should I tell him? Should we try to find another way together?

That I met Winfrid by chance today, that he cornered me. That it hurt terribly because it was only irrefutable facts without room for reconsideration. So I, I thought about leaving you. What should we do now? Ah, if I could discuss with Johannes now… There.

“Completely weak…”

In the cracks that were breaking apart, there was criticism driving in a wedge.

“I! I today…”

“Yes.”

My lips parted without me realizing. It might have been an unconscious effort to erase the voice I didn’t want to hear.

“Elder sister has always been like that.”

“To-today…”

My voice shook uncontrollably.

“Only hearing what you want to hear, only doing what you like.”

Meanwhile, the blue irises, intent only on comforting me without knowing the situation, were chilling enough to make my whole body shiver. I felt like I was going crazy with conflict. I suffered alone without Johannes knowing, swaying back and forth several times.

If I don’t bring it up first, he will never know. If I just keep my mouth shut, Johannes could get through this without getting hurt badly, but you want to share it? You say that will ease your mind? Where did all the resolve you struggled with all day suddenly disappear to?

“You’re such scum.”

I absolutely couldn’t share it. The moment I confessed, it was obvious that Johannes would try to stop me, if only out of concern for my married life. So I had to come up with an excuse that he could accept somehow. My arms and back felt sore as if they had just been whipped. I felt like all my ribs were dislocating.

My heart was quite pierced, but my vision was as if covered with a veil and wouldn’t clear, so I didn’t have the strength to think of any other explanation.

“I’m… menstruating.”

That was the excuse I blurted out randomly while enduring my churning stomach.

Johannes’ eyes widened. He seemed very surprised, as if it was an answer he hadn’t expected at all. I barely continued, feeling the grip tightening on my fingers.

“So… I don’t want to be carried.”

“I.”

His blue eyes were half-buried under lowered eyelids. The hand that had covered my cheek came down. It caressed my spine and waist as it wrapped around my side. After hesitating for a long time, Johannes whispered worriedly.

“I don’t mind at all…. Is your body very uncomfortable?”

“…It’s uncomfortable, and I don’t like it.”

“Does it hurt?”

Johannes asked pitifully.

“No, that’s…”

“Then isn’t it okay? We’ll travel by carriage. If you’re not in a lot of pain, we can go without discomfort.”

I lowered my eyes and shook my head.

“That’s not… the issue. I’m saying it’s embarrassing…”

“It’s just the two of us on the way and from now on. What’s there to be embarrassed about?”

“I might stain all your clothes on the way down.”

By then, I really felt like I was menstruating, and my heart started pounding for no reason. Even though it was a lie, I felt like my whole face would turn bright red with embarrassment.

“…As I’ve already said, I don’t mind at all, and even if it gets a bit wet, we can just change after we get down, so why.”

Johannes said anxiously while caressing my knee.

“I don’t want to. I’m telling you it’s shameful. It’s dirty.”

“It’s not dirty. How could it be dirty when it’s your body?”

“My body?”

I ended up asking back, feeling somehow out of sync, as if we were talking about different things. Whether he knew or not, Johannes was silent. His eyes were intimately locked alone.

“How is that… No, that’s not my body.”

“…You are perfect.”

After a brief silence, Johannes’ murmur, almost like a monologue, continued.

“Whether it’s something you’ve discarded or lost, it’s still part of your body, so do you think I would mind? I’m not just saying that.”

“No, that’s, it’s okay when it’s inside… Anyway, it’s unpleasant and dirty.”

“…Am I unpleasant to you?”