#37

“…inette.”

“……”

“Inette.”

I thought it was a dream.

Johannes’ voice knocked on the jumbled black mass, and soon I saw Johannes looking down at me beyond the dark curtain. A low-brightness golden light. My consciousness was entirely hazy. I suddenly raised my arms. I hugged his neck, almost snatching it.

Johannes seemed to embrace me. I felt the strength safely supporting my back, which had been lifted slightly upward. And as Johannes rose, I followed along. I buried my face in his neck as if burrowing into it. I was overwhelmingly glad to see him.

“You need to get up.”

The Johannes in my dream whispered softly.

“…I don’t want to.”

Not wanting to part even for a moment, I shook my head against his shoulder. A laugh he couldn’t hold back tickled my ear.

“Are you throwing a sleepy tantrum, young lady? You were cold all day, why are you like this now?”

“……”

“Hmm….”

Johannes rested his cheek against my head. Feeling the gentle weight on my cheek, I reached out, and my fingertips touched the line from below his ear to his jaw and neck. I thrust my lips forward haphazardly and licked and sucked wherever they landed, not knowing where exactly.

It was probably somewhere below his jaw, or between his cheek and ear. Johannes, who seemed startled enough to stagger, tried to stop me as I clung to him desperately, but it was only for a moment. In the brief moment we were apart, he grabbed the back of my head and.

“…Here.”

He returned the kiss precisely.

His lips gently pressed against mine. Briefly. And again. His tongue, which had softly parted me, began to probe deeper inside. Even as our lips never parted, his hands were busy.

He supported himself on the bed while holding me, then lifted me up by the waist, put me down again, adjusted my position so I could sit comfortably, pushed my bothersome hair behind my back, gathered the back of my hair in his hand, and with his other hand embraced the inside of my waist…. The kiss that immediately reconnected whenever we inevitably separated in all that commotion.

“What’s wrong…. Your eyes… they’re very swollen….”

Johannes, who had been frantically kissing my neck, mouth, and eyes, asked me, panting slightly. After saying that, he gently sucked on my eyelids.

I had been shedding tears until just before falling asleep. Suddenly recalling how I felt like I was going mad alone under the covers, I clung to Johannes. What had I been so sad about? My reason wasn’t working properly.

At that moment, I was intoxicated by Johannes’ heartbeat transmitted through my skin beyond the fabric. My heart ached at that clearly faster beating than before. I was happy.

Like a small beast clinging to a full-grown beast, I didn’t want to think or feel anything, I just felt like I would faint from how much I liked him. I desperately burrowed into Johannes’ nape.

I think I must have set my teeth on his neck, wanting to do something. Ugh…. Johannes let out a short gasp, immediately pulled away, then grabbed my chin and lifted it, and we became more deeply entangled with each other.

There was a wet sound. My ears were all damp. Johannes’ hand, which had come inside my nightgown from the outside of my thigh, stroked up my stomach. His firm hand broadly grasped my upper body. At that moment when I felt like my mind would somersault.

Abruptly, Johannes’ face pulled away. Keeping his distance from me and bowing his head deeply, Johannes took a few heavy breaths.

“We can’t…. Inette.”

“…Huh?”

Pulling his hand out from inside my clothes, he said as he pulled me into his arms:

“It feels good…. But this isn’t the time for us to do this.”

His voice, which hadn’t fully caught its breath, clearly held a tone of regret.

“No. Why. Why…?”

I asked dreamily. Perhaps amused by how I was struggling to lift his face, Johannes laughed quietly while holding me tightly. Then with an “Ah…” he slumped his shoulders, leaning on my body, and said:

“It’s today.”

“…Today.”

Pushed back as Johannes leaned in, I groaned for a while before losing my strength, and reluctantly wrapping my arms around his neck, I mumbled.

“Yes, today. Is it too sudden? I’m sorry. I should have given you some notice.”

Johannes seemed genuinely sorry. He kept rubbing his cheek against my shoulder and the side of my face. Today…. I thought. What’s today…? I couldn’t understand. Or perhaps I didn’t want to understand. Everything before my eyes was blurry, and inside it was all numb as if filled with water. Johannes said to me:

“To be honest upfront, the preparations aren’t quite satisfactory yet. You might get angry. But since most things can be procured after we arrive, I thought we’d go ahead with it today…. You’ll be able to choose things like accessories yourself, so wouldn’t that be better for you too….”

“……”

“Sorry. Is my excuse too long?”

Seemingly misunderstanding my lack of response, Johannes awkwardly added.

“Actually… more than anything else….”

Then he was silent for a moment.

Gradually, the strength around my waist increased. As a result, our bodies pressed together almost suffocatingly. His body heat touching my bare skin here and there was hot. Johannes, who had buried his forehead in my nape, muttered softly like a suppressed sigh.

“…I can’t hold back any longer.”

Johannes.

My vision rippled. It felt like the black sleep that had covered my eyelids was being stripped away in an instant. I hesitantly unwrapped my arms. Propping myself up, I faced Johannes.

Not a dream.

“…Johannes?”

My barely awakened consciousness swayed far and near. I felt so dizzy I thought all my stomach acids might surge up.

“Why, why….”

“Hm?”

I couldn’t finish my words. I floundered a bit at the crumpled boundary, terribly groggy. My body, having lost its strength, collapsed at will. Johannes, who had blurred like an image flowing out of my mind, supported me as I slid down from his shoulder.

While everything was swaying, only the strength holding me was vivid. Unable to focus at all, I shook my head several times in his arms and asked again.

“Why, how are you… here, on the third floor….”

“Ah.”

Johannes, who let out a short sigh, looked down at me as I collapsed into his arms. His gentle smile was like an indecipherable text. As if to say you don’t need to know. As if to say don’t ask any more.

“Well…. Somehow.”

The answer was secretive. The tone, which sounded almost like soothing a child, left me speechless. Johannes said as he readjusted his hold on me, who kept slumping:

“We can’t take much with us today. For now, let’s pack your jewelry. And just what you need to wear right away. We can come back a few more times if you want, but we don’t know when we might be discovered, so it’s better to finish in one go if possible.”

“Leave? How…?”

“The window.”

I felt like I was about to faint, but Johannes answered nonchalantly. His gaze went diagonally down outside the bed. Following his gaze, I barely made out a bundle of thick rope.

I squeezed my eyes shut. No matter how hard I tried, my sense of balance kept swaying back and forth, making my temples throb terribly.

“You’re going to… carry me down on your back?”

“Yes. So we can’t have too much luggage.”

Johannes sat me up straight. I propped myself up, barely managing to steady my swaying body. Rustle. There was a sound of fabric brushing. I lifted my face, which had been drooping forward. I saw Johannes picking up the rope and getting off the bed.

That rope looked like it could hang poor Johannes. Ah, what must my expression have been like then? The unbearable dizziness and the anxiety of the sudden farewell I was facing tumbled together. My heart, which had suddenly become an executioner, felt like it was cracking.

I desperately tried to compose my expression. But even the rebound of the bed rising as the weight of one person disappeared was dizzying. The reality I suddenly faced while drugged was sickeningly nauseating.

Johannes, who had gotten off the bed, looked at me like that. He seemed a bit flustered by my expression.

“Don’t you trust me?”

Johannes asked quietly.

“No, that’s not….”

Dying in the oppressive darkness, swaying nauseatingly, I scraped out a voice that wouldn’t come easily. ‘Don’t trust’? Are you asking if I don’t trust you? No.

How could I not trust you?

Johannes is someone who seems like he would find and embrace me no matter where in the world I was thrown. He was someone I could entrust even my carved-out heart to.

Someone I want to be with no matter what I have to do, how could I not trust him? But just, now I know…. Therefore, rather, because I’ve realized that I shouldn’t be with you….

I couldn’t say anything, and only my irregular breathing was hot with each breath I took in and let out.

Johannes unknowingly intercepted my explanation before I could even begin.

“Don’t worry too much. As long as you don’t look down or struggle, it won’t take that long, and I can promise your safety.”

Johannes, who had crossed the black water-like space unsteadily to reach the pillar, tapped the pillar surface a few times with his outstretched palm. Soon he began to tie the rope skillfully. My vision was like an earthquake had struck. He looked just like a mirage.

Ah, please…. I screamed inwardly as I watched his back. It doesn’t have to be this very moment, does it? We don’t have many days left to just keep our hearts connected and part, yet you… why have you already come to find me and push me like this…. Why today of all days? I don’t want this. Don’t do this. With such an unprepared heart, everything just feels too early.

“Still, I’m not without worry, so please, I beg you, hold on tight, Inette. I don’t think I’d ever drop you, but if you were to be in danger… I think I’d die first. So let’s set out once you’re a bit more awake.”

Johannes’ tone, no different from usual, even felt resolute.

My heart raced. A sense of urgency that if I let things flow like this, I would surely be swept away. That impatience. I wanted to get up right away and stop him. But unable to move my body that felt like it would be planted in the ground the moment I stepped down, I could only move my lips.

“Why… why today of all days? Does it have to be today?”

“…Is it too sudden?”

Johannes, who had been tightening the rope again and again even after tying a long and complex knot, turned to look at me.