Even if Your Regret Holds Me Back (Completed Main Story) - Chapter 4
They say a person who’s been handed their death date has endless cravings and desires, stacking up to the sky and still not enough. But Helena had only one.
To build a small, modest house of her own in Pretreta.
That village held the graves of Basil and her mother—it was her beloved, nostalgic hometown. Since it was near the cemetery, building a cozy log house wouldn’t cost much.
Once the house was finished, she’d place a soft, plush single-seat sofa by the window, along with a table draped in white lace.
She’d stock the shelves full of honey and all kinds of jams, and oh—she nearly forgot the clattering wooden tableware. For storing fruit, glass bowls might be better than wooden baskets.
She’d buy ingredients from the kind-hearted grocer and butcher—though their selections were limited—and cook meals herself. And like a groundskeeper, she’d visit the graves daily to pull weeds and chase away bugs.
That’s what she wanted to do immediately after relinquishing her title of Grand Duchess. Instead of calculating budgets for her mother-in-law’s banquets, she tallied up what she’d need for her own home.
And so, Helena set out on the road toward Hierro, where the Owen estate stood. Before heading to Pretreta, she planned to collect Basil’s and her mother’s remaining belongings from the Owen household—and secure the funds for building her house.
“Hey there, lovely miss! These arrived fresh this morning—take a look!”
“If you don’t buy now, you’ll regret it!”
“Just knock a little more off the price!”
The streets were chaotic. A bustle unimaginable in Evergale filled every corner.
Helena wandered wherever her feet led and picked out clothes just as her eyes landed on them. Stopping abruptly before a shop window, she caught sight of a woman who looked as shabby as a country mouse.
Suddenly, she realized that living carelessly was far harder than she’d imagined—at least for someone like her, who’d spent her life making every tiny action calculated for someone else.
A baby elephant, once tethered to a stake, cannot pull it up even as a full-grown adult. That was what regression meant to Helena.
Not a fresh chance for enlightenment, but a shackle slowly breaking her down through repeated failure until she submitted.
She could never be the bold heroine of stories who fearlessly cast everything aside and rose again.
She was painfully ordinary—so ordinary that she might only ever be a minor character who had to keep striving. The price for stepping off the stage herself had been steep.
“He’s gone now. I cast him away. I left him.”
Repeating this for the thirteenth time already, Helena habitually undid the thin ribbon she’d tied her hair with. There was no need to look tidy anymore.
People couldn’t change overnight. Even after leaving Eugene, she was still—perhaps even more so—the insignificant Helena.
So she kept whispering to herself, as if brainwashing her own mind:
“I’m not lonely. I don’t feel empty.”
Even this felt calculated, leaving a bitter taste in her mouth. Remembering her mother-in-law’s scolding—how she’d despised this very trait—Helena bit her lip.
“A man won’t water a withered flower, Helena. Even if you don’t fan the flames, acting like a pile of dry firewood makes you unbearable to even glance at.”
Back then, she’d been too busy swallowing back tears to refute it—but there’d been no falsehood to uncover.
After all, hadn’t she come this far precisely because she’d lacked even the courage to conceal anything?
So Helena deliberately did things the dignified Grand Duchess would never dare.
She forced smiles at street performers, ate food sold openly on roadside stalls, and even slept in a dingy corner of a stable.
It all felt strangely hollow—far more than she’d worried about before leaving the mansion.
Strangely hollow.
“I’m not alone.”
She was happy.
She had to be.
She repeated it out of habit.
Whether she was truly living or merely enduring, even she didn’t know—but time passed faster than expected.
The carriage rocked up and down to the rhythm of clattering hooves. Inside, Helena laid a hand over her empty stomach. Surely her own hand should carry human warmth—yet it felt cold.
Cruelly, hunger was quick to reveal itself, and she keenly felt starved for everything.
She briefly wished she’d brought some guards’ pay when leaving the Grand Duke’s estate—but dismissed the thought immediately.
“Even if it’s just thrashing about, it can’t be helped. If I can’t deceive myself, I mustn’t leave even a sliver of hope behind.”
After all, the moment she left, she’d never expected—or hoped—for her life to turn rainbow-bright. Had she believed that, she wouldn’t have fled so recklessly.
She simply wanted, at long last, to reject the home that had become her very skin—even if tearing it away meant bleeding raw.
“And yet, even in all this….”
She turned her head away, deliberately ignoring the gnawing hunger in her stomach and chest. Dark green foliage blurred past the edges of her vision.
Because her destination was still far off, she’d switched carriages repeatedly—and it had been a full five days of travel.
Though somewhat awkward, she’d soon meet her family.
“They’re not exactly people I’m fond of.”
Her only ally, her mother, had died giving birth to her younger sibling. And her so-called father had brought home a new woman before the soil over her mother’s grave had even dried.
The stepbrother who came with her stepmother had constantly reached for her with ill intent until the day she left for Evergale.
They were the very people who, blinded by money, had sold her off like livestock. And yet….
“Well… they’re family.”
“Huh?”
The coachman sitting beside her must have overheard her quiet mutter. His wrinkled eyes widened in surprise.
It had already been half a day since she’d switched to this final carriage.
Apparently amazed that she’d broken the silence—kept all through the ride—he spoke first. Helena shook her head, wiping the bitterness from her expression.
“It’s nothing.”
Thankfully, the coachman asked no further questions. Since she wasn’t in the mood for cheerful chatter, he made for a satisfyingly quiet companion.
The rattling carriage was now nearing its destination. The coachman slowed the horse gradually and spoke casually:
“Say, what brings you here? You look like you’ve traveled quite a distance.”
“…My family lives here.”
“Haven’t seen them in a while, I reckon. How many years has it been?”
“…Yes. Not since my younger sibling’s funeral.”
“Oh dear. Still, it must be nice to see your family again after so long.”
Helena pressed her lips tightly together. This time, she offered no reply. The conversation had reached its end.
She closed her eyes again and leaned back against the hard wooden bench. She remained that way until they finally arrived and she paid her fare.
As she stepped down and slowly walked toward the village entrance, the coachman waved at her.
“Have a joyful time with your family, pretty miss!”
He was exceedingly kind. Yet even his encouragement couldn’t lift Helena’s spirits—only a bitter smile lingered at her lips.
“A joyful time with family….”
Could any sentence feel more alien? It prickled in her ears like thorns.
Helena stood still until the sound of hooves on the gravel road faded completely. Everything around her felt utterly unfamiliar.
The wind tousling her hair,
The brush of undergrowth against her ankles,
The blazing sun,
The weight of her bag in her grip.
Every object and sensation in the world pressed down on her. The silent earth beneath her feet felt as if it might flip over any moment and swallow her whole.
The Grand Duke’s personal physician had advised deep breaths and emptying her mind whenever such thoughts arose—but it wasn’t as easy as it sounded.
For a long while, Helena stood rooted like a tree. Taking that first step forward felt unbearably heavy.
“It’s okay. There’s nothing to be nervous about.”
If only she could cut away emotions as easily as useless hair—how wonderful that would be.
Despite her resolve not to hope, a small part of her still yearned for affection. A faint sadness crept in.
[This is the timeline separator]Thebe, capital of the Rihalt Empire on the Western Continent.
Deep in its heart, within the Imperial Palace, one room remained lit even at this late hour.
A voice heavier than usual filled the vast chamber.
“Dion. I believe I’ve finished everything I needed to do.”
The addressed man instinctively tensed. Glancing at the speaker, he noticed one eyebrow slightly raised—an omen of impending trouble.
Whenever his sovereign looked at him like that, it always meant he’d soon be scrambling for blood pressure medicine.
“What in the world is he planning this time? Lately, he hasn’t slept at all—just buried in work nonstop….”
While imagining yanking that eyebrow back into place, Dion replied:
“You’ve indeed completed all essential appointments, but you mustn’t neglect preparations for next month’s trade and cultural exchange with the Uston Kingdom—especially since their Crown Prince will attend, requiring your utmost attention—”
“I’ve already given it my utmost attention.”
“The royal personnel recommendation letters—”
“I’ve seen them. I’ve organized and passed them to the administration—confirm them later.”
“The newly revised tax legislation—”
“Over there.”
The man cut him off without even letting him finish, giving a slight nod of his chin.
Dion’s gaze followed the gesture—and was immediately met by a towering pile of documents, stacked like an impregnable fortress.
Normally, he’d meticulously check every paper sent his way for omissions or approvals. But this time, Dion didn’t bother digging through the pile.
His sovereign might occasionally indulge in incomprehensible whims—but he was never careless with work. In fact, his relentless perfectionism often left Dion more exhausted than the sovereign himself.
That very trait—his sovereign’s dedication—was ironically why Dion constantly had headaches despite serving such a capable ruler.
Remembering something else, Dion raised a new matter:
“Then perhaps you could narrow down the Empress candidates now? It’s already been two years since you kept saying you’d handle it yourself, with no progress whatsoever. You must ignite the competition soon and proceed with the imperial wedding before it’s too late.”
“Yes, that’s a good idea.”
“No matter how much you delay, you can’t put it off any longer… Wait—what did you just say?”
“I said it’s a good idea.”
Dion’s drowsy eyes snapped wide open. Why on earth was he agreeing so easily?
This was the same man who, despite constant pressure from ministers, had stubbornly refused to budge—not even glancing at candidate lists, as if they were poisoned chalices.
Excited, Dion blurted out eagerly:
“Then I’ll prepare the list right away—!”
“I need to go on a trip.”
Dion’s hopeful expression darkened within seconds. His ominous premonition had, once again, hit the mark perfectly.
“I’d rather die than suffer like this.”
Fuming inwardly, all he could do was bite down hard on his lip. The man before him held a position where even a hint of disloyalty was unthinkable.
The sovereign of the Rihalt Empire. The moon that had overthrown tyranny and lowered the heavens.
Ian Camell Axen Febenheim.
When the male lead is punished by carrying the female lead’s child and having periods like a woman
“I’ve given birth to two children for you, yet you still think about him.
Was I nothing but his substitute to you from beginning to end?”
Synopsis:
Meng Huan, a scumbag who has dated countless girlfriends, transmigrates to a female-dominated country.
Day 1: Whether it’s female dominance or not doesn’t matter. The beauties here are passionate and amorous. Isn’t it easier to date them than in modern times?
Day 2: After a night, Meng Huan discovers the differences in the female-dominated world. Men here actually have chastity locks and menstrual cycles. This hinders his ability to perform, damn it!
Day 3: What’s wrong with sleeping around? I don’t want you to marry me. I’m meant to be a playboy. I don’t care about male virtues… What? You want to drown me in a pig cage? Marry, I’ll marry!
Day N: Meng Huan inexplicably vomits and receives the shocking news of his life… He’s pregnant.
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Who cares? 😒 That mf deserves a lot of pain 😒😒😡😡
EXACTLY! She’s with someone else …now you aint shit
Me too 😒 she should have kicked his balls and cut them 🤔