Thus Began Your Regret - Chapter 27

Late at night.

A pale gas lamp was lit in Louisa’s study. Her desk, made of heavy black oak, shone glossily in the gaslight.

She was reviewing various materials for the next session.

Since her husband said he would be coming home late anyway, she planned to leisurely go through the materials she needed to read.

It was not easy to handle such tasks when her husband was usually home, so she had to get as much work done as possible on days like this.

Dong― Dong―

The chiming of the grandfather clock was heard from downstairs. Only after eleven chimes did silence return.

Scratch. Scratch. Only the sound of pen nib against paper tickled her ears.

However, before long, Louisa sighed and put down her pen. Despite trying to read the material while underlining it, she couldn’t concentrate at all.

She knows her husband’s packed schedule. Yet he takes the time to contact her in between.

She thought if such a day came, she would feel at ease.

But when she actually received Edward’s telegram, it gave her much more complicated emotions than comfort.

Why didn’t you do this before? I struggled so much to give up on you, why are you shaking me up now?

At first, tears welled up at that thought.

It was so regrettable, the years of inner turmoil just to receive this one piece of paper.

So painful, all those arguments and tears.

But still, because her husband’s tone written there was so willing, because the very fact that he cared enough to send this made her so happy. So she gathered all the telegrams her husband sent and put them in a small box in the drawer.

Those little scraps of paper that only said things like he’d be late so don’t wait up.

Louisa leaned her back against the chair and opened the top drawer. She took out a small box inlaid with lapis lazuli.

Placing that box on top of the materials she was reading, she rested her chin on one arm and stared at it blankly.

This box was evidence of change. Not an uncertain guess based on feelings, but clear, tangible, visible proof.

She found this change extremely awkward yet welcome. And at the same time, resentful and frightening.

Her husband, who hadn’t changed for years, suddenly changed. When she said so before, he pretended not to hear, but now.

This change was, to her who was receiving it, merely something alien.

But was it truly the same for her husband who was changing his behavior? How much on edge must he be now to maintain this change?

Countless questions filled her mind.

If this hope turned out to be just another illusion, how would she feel then, could she firmly endure that pain?

She went back and forth between a future filled with hope and one where hope was shattered several times a day. Each time, contradictory emotions shook her, and finally, she was so tired she didn’t want to think about anything.

So she had purposely come to the study, but even that didn’t go as she wished.

“Still, I should do it.”

There was one thing she had learned through the long pain of the past.

That no matter how hard it was, she shouldn’t lose her own life. Only by maintaining this balance could she recover even when in pain.

‘So let’s hang in there a little more, Louisa.’

Of course it wouldn’t be easy, but still.

She comforted herself.

How much time had passed like that? It was when Louisa nodded off once, then opened her eyes.

The desk that had been bright enough to read just moments ago was now dark when she opened her eyes.

A shadow backlit by the gaslight was blocking her view.

Louisa raised her head to check who the shadow belonged to.

“…Ed.”

Her husband was standing in front of the desk, looking down at her intently.

“Go to bed. Telling you not to wait up doesn’t mean stay here like this.”

With his back to the light, it was hard to gauge her husband’s expression. But judging by his voice, he was angry now.

She straightened her posture and said:

“Ah… I’m sorry.”

“No need to say that. You’ll do it anyway even if you know I don’t like it.”

“I’m sorry. I meant to look just a little longer and then go straight to bed, but I made a mistake.”

It was true. She hadn’t intended to be obviously looking at documents late at night in front of her husband.

“What time is it now?”

“Well past one o’clock.”

He said, taking out his pocket watch to show her.

The watch hands pointed to 1:37. It was a time that would make him angry.

Edward opened his mouth.

“In this world.”

His words were cut short. Sensing the unusual atmosphere, Louisa stood up to face her husband.

“Sometimes I feel like you look down on me the most.”

“I’m sorry. I really didn’t intend to…”

“Others just annoy me, but you torment me.”

“What do you mean by that, Ed?”

Her husband disliked her doing anything. So she felt sorry for not being considerate and showing this side of herself.

But voicing such a suspicion was crossing the line.

“Why would I torment you?”

Why am I doing this work?

Because I want to change the world a little for you, because I want to blunt the blades people thrust at you even a little, I’m working hard solely for that.

She swallowed these words that would only reopen his wounds if spoken, words that couldn’t be conveyed.

“But when I see you, I feel that way. How can you, every time, so blatantly, every time…”

Trample me underfoot.

Edward bit his lip hard.

When I’m living like this, struggling just to make you comfortable, you keep wearing yourself out like this every time.

Edward barely managed to swallow the words that were about to burst out.

I want to give you the life you should have had like other ladies, but you keep crushing that wish of mine like this every time.

Taking over the parliamentary seat instead of your brother who locked himself in the lab saying he’d make money. Going out stubbornly to face unnecessary scorn even though you’d only receive dirty looks after being associated with me.

Keeping your hands busy with menial work you learned for money, now with the excuse of being used to it.

You make me face my sin that has seeped into you like that.

But he had no intention of voicing these words. Saying any more would only expose his inferiority complex in front of her.

The two of them looked at each other in silence like that.

Without either backing down, for several minutes.

The one who broke the long silence first was Louisa.

“Truly. Sincerely, I want you to be happy. Of course I’ve said this before too.”

She took the tips of Edward’s fingers across the desk. Gently grasping his hand that yielded easily, she said while holding it with both of her hands:

“If I upset you today, I’m sorry. But it’s not because I disrespect you. I don’t want to cause pain to the one I love.”

And the same goes for me too.

She quietly added the last words. Edward nodded silently, vaguely guessing what that meant.

He said in a very hoarse voice:

“Alright. I understand. Then… go rest now.”

“This morning, you asked me.”

Louisa said, looking up at Edward.

“If there was anything I wanted to do on the weekend.”

“…That’s right. Have you decided what you want to do tomorrow?”

“Yes.”

Louisa nodded. She took a deep breath and gave the answer she had prepared.

“I want to visit your research lab at Allen Company.”

“The research lab?”

At her husband’s question, Louisa nodded again. Then Edward said as if he couldn’t understand:

“But you’ve been there. I even personally explained that that building up there is our research lab.”

“That’s right. But what the inside looks like, what things are in the place where you work. What the place where you spend most of your day looks like… I’m curious about your day.”

She quickly added, worried Edward might say something else:

“Tomorrow is the weekend anyway, so unless it’s Mr. Curtis, there will hardly be any employees who came in unnecessarily. I’ll be careful not to disturb. So please, just once, I want to see it.”

Louisa was desperate. Let me believe in our possibility still.

Edward was silent for a long time.

“…There’s nothing fun about seeing that. It’s just a place with a lot to worry about and nothing good.”

“But it’s a place you created.”

“It’s crawling with only men, so it’s not appropriate for someone like you to set foot in.”

“Is the company situation so urgent that all employees have to come in even on weekends?”

Edward fell silent again at her question.

To Louisa, the lengthening silence felt like one second lasted an hour.

Why do you want to exclude me from your life so much? Do you really wish for me to become a doll who knows nothing and does nothing? Is that how you atone for your sins?

But as if sensing her anxiety, he soon said with a sigh:

“Alright.”

It was an answer that came out as if giving up.

“Let’s go. Let’s go. Fine.”

It was an answer obtained after several refusals. Louisa was honestly a little happy. Although she couldn’t shake off a corner of uneasiness, still.

But Edward, watching this, didn’t know how to soothe his aching heart and just clenched his fist tightly.

‘I guess we have to go. Since she’s so happy.’

Anyway, my wishes are nothing but a fragile candle in the wind before what you want to do.

Edward looked down at his wife with a hardened face.