There Is No Paradise Where I Ran Away To - Chapter 40

As soon as Charlotte arrived at the mansion, she changed clothes and went to find Edwin. She responded to Edwin’s summons, which was closer to an order than voluntary. At this moment, returning to the mansion after being driven out by Edwin’s hand, her heart was already cracking, knowing full well what his expression would be like.

As soon as she entered the study, her gaze collided with Edwin, who was sitting at the desk. Unlike her gaunt appearance, he looked smooth without any trace of hardship. It was a face that had not cared once, even after driving her to the brink of death.

“Are you not feeling ill anywhere?”

In contrast to his expression, his greeting was quite affectionate. The moment the voice she had feared she would never hear again pierced her ears, tears that had been barely held back welled up in her eyes.

“Did you not know the price of ignoring the warning would be so harsh?”

“It’s really not true! I never ordered Mercian to do such a thing…”

Charlotte, crying bitterly from the injustice, defended herself strongly. Nevertheless, Edwin merely observed with an unfeeling gaze.

“Do you know what you did wrong?”

She didn’t even hope for a single warm word. She had hoped he wouldn’t question right and wrong to the end for someone who had returned from the brink of life and death.

If only he’d say she had been through a hard time, she would melt, did he really not know?

“It’s that you scorned and mocked Vivian in front of the maid, making even them act that way. So Mercian’s mistake is your mistake.”

Charlotte’s crying grew more intense as she let go of any expectations.

“You probably haven’t heard the news since you were outside. Baron Zimmerman sent a letter saying he won’t marry.”

But the news that followed cut Charlotte’s heart deeply. It was the wound of fear that she would be abandoned again due to the broken engagement.

“When you get a bit older and gain perspective on the world, you’ll know how much I cherished you.”

Liar. Even though you were going to abandon me because of Eveline.

Edwin was caught in self-contradiction. If he cherished her, he couldn’t have driven her out like that. He wouldn’t hurt her heart with such cold words. So his words were lies.

“I wanted the person you would trust and rely on for life to be the most decent person in New Way. And I found him. But love?”

The flow suddenly broke because he uttered a word that seemed would never be contained by his cold eyes and lips.

“You say you have someone you love?”

Charlotte’s eyes wavered greatly at the confirming question.

“Don’t ruin your life with such foolish emotions, Charlotte.”

“Th-that…”

“Trivial and soon-to-wither emotions are of no help to your long life. Love ruins life, but calculation makes life prosperous.”

The story that flowed from Edwin’s mouth touched an impulse. Only instinctive struggle remained for Charlotte, who faced a dead end.

Let’s just have everything revealed like this. Let’s end this emotion with a final confession that the person I love is you, that I love you.

But after pouring out everything in a state of despair, no positive situation could be imagined. All that could be known was Edwin’s advice as precious as blood.

Love ruins life.

If she confessed her love to Edwin here, she realized through calculation that he would completely cut off even the slightest affection and throw her out of the mansion. That an ordinary life would be crushed without even being able to reach or maintain it.

“So turn Baron Zimmerman’s heart around and marry him. This is the last chance I’m giving you. Then I’ll make you the most envied, best bride in the whole country.”

Charlotte let out a hollow laugh.

To call her the best bride after abandoning her so cruelly.

If she had been with Edwin, she could have been the happiest bride in the world even if they held the ceremony alone in a small church. Even if they didn’t have a ceremony at all, if she could just live under his name, she wouldn’t envy anyone else’s happiness.

So there would be no becoming the best bride.

Charlotte’s heart flickered with pain. It was painful and hurt in an unreachable fantasy.

***

As soon as Mercian returned to the mansion, she couldn’t avoid being expelled. Until she was led out by the servants’ hands, the mansion was filled with Mercian’s crying.

News came that Charlotte, seemingly very tired from her time outside, had returned to her room, finished bathing, and gone straight to bed.

Vivian, completely at ease, headed to Edwin a little after eight o’clock. She thought Royce would have left his seat by now, but he was still occupying Edwin.

When she tried to withdraw, saying she would come back tomorrow, Royce quickly exited with a bundle of documents at Edwin’s single glance. Though it was awkward as she hadn’t meant to steal time, she readily accepted out of consideration for the time he had made.

The chair Royce had sat in was warm. On the table were a candle, amber-colored brandy, and two books. One was a novel titled “Emily in Francis Estate” and the other was an untitled booklet with unclear contents.

“You seem to like alcohol.”

She threw out a somewhat light topic to break the awkward atmosphere.

Though he didn’t drink much or often, he enjoyed trying various types.

Watching him appreciate the unique aroma and taste of alcohol, Vivian was reminded of her father. Like Edwin, though not as diverse in types, her father’s affectionate voice for his beloved brandy left good memories of alcohol.

“I enjoy it.”

“My father also…”

She inadvertently mentioned her father. Though she quickly tried to take back her words, Edwin, who had already heard, quietly gestured for her to continue. His expression showed no displeasure or malice.

“Father also… liked… alcohol a bit.”

She finished the uncomfortable story with slight relief.

“It seems so. He must have been good at drinking too. Miss Eveline probably never saw your father drunk.”

“Yes, that’s right. I’ve never seen it. He was good at drinking. Though my mother didn’t like it.”

She smiled faintly without thinking, but erased the smile as soon as she met his blue eyes. Edwin took a sip of brandy with a chuckle.

“Anyway… thank you so much for today. For allowing me to bring Miss Windler back.”

“You should be grateful.”

He was a man who sometimes made one feel strange. He would act as if he would exploit ruthlessly, then empty his voice as if he wanted nothing.

He held out a sweet cake with poison and hoped it would be eaten.

So now, had he mixed something else behind his clear voice?

Vivian gazed steadily into his blue eyes. Silence fell. As the candlelight flickered, the shadows of the two people facing each other also wavered precariously.

Vivian did not take her eyes off Edwin, as if looking at someone in a different space. The more she did so, curiosity and questions about that man naturally arose.

“I have a question, may I ask?”

The silence was broken. Edwin nodded gently with a soft smile.

“What kind of person is Mr. Royce?”

Vivian, unconsciously touching her neck, added a bit more explanation.

“He seems very close to you, Duke. He’s not a servant, and he seems a bit more intimate than just an attendant. But strangely, his outward appearance doesn’t seem to have any connection to you at all.”

His faintly smiling expression was somewhat cunning. He put down his glass and leaned back comfortably, looking at Vivian with calm eyes.

“When I was in Olrun Port, he was a vicious fellow who extorted money from workers. He was famous. In those parts.”

Vivian’s eyes widened. She realized then that her question had gone quite wrong, but it was too late to take it back.

“We fought a lot. I attacked him with determination not to have my money taken. It must have been really annoying. Even now, thinking back, I was a terrible person then.”

Recalling the past and evaluating himself now, what would Edwin want to say to the Seyer of that time? What comfort would he want to give to Seyer, who had lost both dreams and hope?

“It was really by chance, but Royce was beating a gentleman alone to near death. When I barely stopped him and found out the situation, that gentleman was the owner of the house where his sister worked, and after even passing on syphilis, his sister’s life was in danger, so he had gone mad.”

Vivian was completely absorbed in Edwin’s lengthening story. Even the brief moment when Edwin swallowed his brandy was hard to bear.

“Royce cried with a fierce face. He was despairing that his sister would really die tomorrow. But that won’t suddenly bring his sister back to life. Right?”

“…But Mr. Royce’s heart must have been so painful.”

“Fortunately, that gentleman’s life was still hanging on. It wasn’t even to the point of becoming disabled. If things stayed like this, only Royce would end up in prison. So I made Royce an offer.”

His calm and composed blue eyes stirred waves in the amber-colored brandy in the glass.

“I said I would let him kill that man. And that I would make sure he wouldn’t go to prison even after doing so.”

Waves also stirred in Vivian’s eyes, which had been focused. She froze stiffly as if it would take great courage to avoid Edwin’s coldly sunken eyes.

“Royce accepted without hesitation and we carried out the plan as it was. That’s how the first secret between Royce and me was born.”

“H-how… no matter what… how could you do that?”

Vivian’s hands trembled as she was appalled. It contained fear and dread towards the other person, and on the other hand, belief that it couldn’t be true. But Edwin laughed nonchalantly. He felt no particular guilt about killing someone.

So she realized then that he could make threats to strangle and kill her without hesitation.

“How could I do that, you ask?”

“…”

“To survive, there’s nothing one can’t do. It wasn’t me who made me such a monster, it was your father, right?”

A dagger pierced her unstable heart. Her eyes, which had stopped condemning the murder, fell below the table.

“If my family hadn’t died, I wouldn’t have lived killing so many people. Right? Miss Eveline.”

He was smiling throughout. Guilt swallowed up both fear and dread of him. The trembling of her body stopped and her gaze turned back to Edwin.

“So… did it hurt? From killing people, from having to live like that… was it painful and agonizing?”

“In Olrun Port, there was a time like that once.”

His smile fading at Vivian’s question, he began another story. Unstoppable tears flowed down her peach-colored cheeks.

“There was always a shortage of food at the port. So when you were starving enough to go crazy, picking up and eating anything was routine. That day, I don’t know what I ate, but I was burning with fever and went between life and death countless times, losing consciousness.”

Did it hurt? Was it painful and agonizing?

Vivian’s question became a single fuse, recalling that bizarre night.

“That night, Royce carried me on his back, woke up the only doctor in the port who was a drunkard, threatened him and made him take care of me.”

That night, consciousness went back and forth between death and life.

Instinctively, I realized I was closer to death. And I had no regrets. I was rather happy about the approaching death with the single thought of meeting my parents and brothers again whom I had wanted to see.

Please don’t let me wake up like this. Let the darkness when I close my eyes be everything.

While waiting only for death, wishing countless times in fading consciousness, it was then.

‘Wake up. Wake up, Seyer…’

A white, thin voice was visible. With eyes that seemed about to close at any moment, I finally opened them and read the voice floating in the air.

The voice gradually took shape and soon I confirmed it. The girl with dazzling golden hair in the carriage was sobbing by my side.

The girl held out her hand and I also grasped it.

‘Live. You have to live. You promised to live, right? Don’t die. Wake up. Seyer, wake up.’

The warmth of our clasped hands was vivid and hot. It wasn’t a dream. This was reality. The girl I had so wanted to reach, had to reach, who I had to keep my promise to, had come running to me first.

I couldn’t die like this. I couldn’t lose this girl I had finally met.

Just as I regained the will to live, my consciousness sank quietly below the surface.

“If it weren’t for that quack then, I would have died. I wouldn’t have met you like this.”

The next day, as soon as I regained consciousness, I first asked Royce about the whereabouts of that girl. But Royce answered that he had been alone with the doctor until now and that no girl had ever visited this place.

Only then did I realize that what I had seen that day was a hallucination.

Vivian sniffled and wiped her cheeks. Edwin smiled and reached out to roughly rub her small cheeks. Vivian, who would normally have recoiled and gotten angry, only bowed her head docilely.

On that night when he went between life and death, what had he wished for that girl?

Did he want to turn back from the path towards death and strangle the girl’s neck? If it hadn’t been a hallucination but real, what would I have said to the girl the next day when I regained consciousness?

But now there was no need to struggle with such worries.

Because the girl from then had grown up and was right before his eyes. This wasn’t a hallucination. The Vivian Eveline before his eyes was real. So he could reach her, touch her, and if he wanted, possess her.

Edwin, who had turned his steps, headed towards the bed where darkness had settled without candlelight. Vivian, who had now stopped crying, watched Edwin climb onto the bed.

“Want to come in?”