It was a dim dawn.

Soon the moon would set, the sun would rise, and a new day would begin.

Moreover, while the emperor was lying in the sickbed like that, he had to win over as many nobles as possible to his side and make them turn their backs on Hister.

He had to store up as much energy as possible in case of any unforeseen circumstances, and his injuries were not yet fully healed, so it was a situation where he had to prioritize rest and health above all else.

But even so, Sinclair was not in the bedroom, but in a different place.

To be precise, it was the passageway leading from the Imperial Palace to the Crown Prince’s Palace.

“……”

With a dry face devoid of any expression, Sinclair slowly moved his steps.

In this way, he soon arrived at the Crown Prince’s Palace, but Sinclair passed by the bedroom where Elaina was sleeping and continued to head towards the deepest part of the Crown Prince’s Palace.

To a secret space that no one but Sinclair was allowed to enter.

“……”

Sinclair, dressed in his nightgown, stood alone at the very back of the modest room that could not be said to be very spacious.

In front of the wall where the portrait hung.

[It was the place for the portrait. Of me and my mother. We had it painted when I was very young.] [Where is it now?] [……In the Crown Prince’s Palace.]

It was that very portrait.

The young empress, as benevolent as sunshine and as beautiful as a jewel, and the young crown prince. The one depicting Sinclair.

Sinclair stared at his mother’s face for a long time without saying a word.

Her eyes, shining blue as if they were filled with the sea, just like Elaina’s……

“……Mother.”

What should I say, and where should I start? Should I ask if you have been well? How is it there? Are you still worrying about me?

But Sinclair could not find the right words. It was inevitable. This was the first time he had stood in front of this portrait since the Empress’s death.

The young Sinclair, who had brought the portrait from the villa, hung the portrait of the mother and son here and made a vow to himself.

That he would never look back until he had accomplished something he could tell his mother about.

That he would never look at this portrait again.

Ridiculously, Sinclair still had not achieved anything. It would not be strange to say that he had lost even more than he had then.

The position of the crown prince, which was just for show and not properly taken care of by the emperor, had long been taken away from him, and he had never been able to find his mother’s remains.

But still, the reason he came back here……

“I came to return it to you.”

Sinclair quietly muttered as he put his hand into his bosom and took out the notebook he had found with Elaina.

“Also, I only found out belatedly, but……”

[I think I know. Why the Empress asked you to write these things.]

“I also want to thank you for creating these memories for me.”

[You just said that too, didn’t you? As you listen, it’s like you can remember. She must have hoped that there would be many happy moments you could recall as you go through life. I would have felt the same way if it were me.]

“I still haven’t achieved anything yet, but I felt like I needed to have this time sometimes.”

Sinclair continued in a low voice.

“You always used to tell me, didn’t you? That it’s good to have grand dreams and to chase after your goals as if you’re running, but sometimes it’s not bad to look back.”

[……Because, Sinclair.]

Recalling the words of the Empress he had heard before, Sinclair let out a faint chuckle.

[Looking only ahead and running forward is brave, but it can be very tiring. And sometimes it can make you feel barren. But if you look back every now and then and trace the footsteps you have walked, you may realize that someone has been with you all along the way.]

That warm voice.

[And soon you will know. That you were not alone, and that there were always people. Or places you could return to……]

Those warm words.

[Sometimes people say this. That the mindset of charging forward is completely different for someone who has a place to return to and someone who doesn’t. It’s not wrong, but it’s also a very lonely thing.]

Filled with concern and love.

[……So I want you to grow up to be someone who knows how to look back, Sinclair. Your happiness is the most important thing to me.]

“Is that really true?”

Sinclair threw out a question that would never be answered.

……Mother.

In fact, it’s not that I didn’t look back, but I came all the way here only looking back.

Is that still okay?

To the wounded son’s question, the mother did not give any answer. She just looked at him with a warm and affectionate gaze as she always did……

Sinclair gave a bitter smile, then fiddled with the notebook in his hand. Then, from the first page, one page at a time. Very carefully…… he began to read the words he had written.

And his movement stopped on the last page.

– Today, I came to the Empress’s villa with you.

Sinclair unknowingly smiled at the handwriting, neatly written like the person who wrote it.

– The most enjoyable thing that happened today was reading the diary you wrote when you were young together. It was also very nice to fall asleep together in front of the fireplace. I felt like I knew why. Why young you liked to abandon the bed and sleep here with the Empress.

Was that really the case? Did you feel the same emotions as me? Did you feel happy, even for a moment, when you woke up from your light sleep at dawn and saw me guarding you by your side? Is that why you wrote this diary for me?

– Also, the most enjoyable thing this week was nursing you. Of course, it was very unfortunate and distressing that you were injured, but when else could I personally feed the rascal Sinclair if not at times like this? I thought you looked just like a baby bird as you quietly received the food, but I decided to keep that a secret to myself. For the sake of your fearsome reputation. And……

“……”

– ……The most enjoyable thing that happened this year was marrying Prince Sinclair Butler, the most troublesome person in Edenbell that people fear the most.

Sinclair briefly flinched.

– The wedding attire and the ceremony were far from ordinary, but they were just as special. I’m probably the first and last bride in Edenbell to enter on the groom’s arm. Thanks to that, I did receive the gaze of being “the woman who caught and kneaded that Sinclair” as you said, but that too can be said to be a very unique experience, right?

It was as if he could vividly recall it. Elaina’s beautiful face as she smiled at him, held in his arms and looking into his eyes.

– All the happy memories and moments in Edenbell were given to me by you. So I sincerely hope that someday, as you read my diary, you too can smile even a little. That you can recall the time you spent with me, even if briefly. Also, I hope the end of that reminiscence is not filled with unpleasant or uncomfortable feelings. And someday, I truly wish that this diary can be filled with your happiness.

Elaina’s diary ended there, but Sinclair read the words over and over again, endlessly. As if he were a clergyman facing a very sacred scripture.

And he raised his head again to look at the portrait.

This time, not at his mother, but at his young self.

[Show me next time too. I’m curious. I’m curious about what kind of person the Empress was, and I’m also curious about what young Sinclair looked like.]

……I can’t bring you here. Because I don’t have the courage to face your cold gaze that can change at any time.

If I do that, I know I will lose even the strength to live on.

But what should I do? With this heart that dares not reach you, yet grows more and more frenzied day by day, constantly swelling.

[There must be countless people living a life thrown into the gutter like me in Edenbell, Your Highness.]

The day he went with the marriage proposal, the first time they met again.

Sinclair closed his eyes tightly as he mulled over the words Elaina had said to him.

……Yes, I know very well. You, who lived as if dead, unable to even run away. So perhaps, even if you find out the whole truth, you may not be able to run away from me again.

That’s why I imagine several times a day that I might as well reveal everything and rid myself of my petty guilt, and then bind you so tightly that you can never escape from me.

But then I grab my rotten heart again and suffer in agony. Asking myself how much more I have to take from you when I’ve already ruined your entire life……

Sinclair, who had been standing still, clenched his fists and glared at the young Sinclair in the painting.

He endlessly glared at Ren.

But Sinclair knew all too well. He was not unaware. That all of this was the price he had to pay for the sins he had committed.

The price for taking away the legs of lovely Elly, whose face may have turned blue but was once filled with hope.

The price for not being able to fully pay for that sin, yet still desiring Elaina and wanting to keep her by his side.

So he couldn’t entirely shift that responsibility to the young boy named Ren……

“……”

Sinclair’s tightly closed eyelids trembled faintly.

Tell me, Elly.

What should I do?

What path would truly be for you?

But wouldn’t the path for you and the path to your heart be so vastly divergent?

Like two lines that never even touch, endlessly extending in completely different directions.

In the end, Sinclair sank to the spot as if everything had crumbled. Then, with one hand on his forehead, he did not get up for a long time.

Until the moon set, the sun rose, and morning dawned.