#99

I made eye contact with Alyona, who couldn’t even cross the threshold. At that moment, the girl’s gaze dropped sharply, but she couldn’t hide her uneasy expression. Putting it this way might sound a bit amusing. Alyona’s hesitant steps as she barely crossed the threshold resembled a chick heading towards a slaughterhouse.

“You came early today.”

I tried to strike up a conversation while brushing back my messy hair near my ears. I found it difficult to look directly at the girl. It wasn’t just an ordinary night, and seeing Alyona approach with forced steps made me feel awkward for no reason.

“Yes, yes. You see… Yesterday, the knight said that the young lady seemed to have improved a lot… He suggested we try steam therapy along with monitoring your back condition. But since the peddlers are coming today, I wanted to prepare early… and…”

Alyona, who had been mumbling excuses, suddenly fell silent. Her inability to continue speaking seemed unusual. I raised my gaze and only then noticed why the girl was so flustered.

Alyona’s eyes were fixed on my wrists. I quickly lowered my sleeves, hiding the reddish marks left from the night’s abrasions. My entire face felt like it was on fire. It seemed as if the innocent girl had completely discovered the events of last night, which could hardly be called normal.

Alyona couldn’t compose herself in front of me. The girl hesitantly reached for my nightgown as the awkward silence between us deepened.

“So, um… I’ll just check your back, young lady.”

“Okay.”

I silently closed my eyes, unable to calm my racing heart. Because of this, I didn’t see how shocked Alyona was as my nightgown was opened and removed. I only slightly opened my eyes, wondering why the girl’s hands seemed to be trembling more and more.

In other words, I had thought that hiding just my wrists would be enough. I hadn’t considered the bite marks and red traces Johannes had left on my body. The girl’s gaze was fixed on the area around my chest.

By my guess, from that day on, Alyona seemed to look at Johannes as if he were some kind of beast. Being an inherently innocent and kind-hearted girl, she might have even felt a sense of mission to save me from that beast.

So, could it be that she encouraged my transgression?

***

The first signs of gentle encouragement came that evening.

I was quite bored, left alone in the inner chamber with Johannes out and even Alyona away from her post. It was only natural that an unexpected curiosity arose while I was idly watching the sun set outside the window.

I had heard before that Johannes used the private room right next door.

I abruptly stood up. I was about to leave the room immediately but stopped. Having never gone out alone before, and feeling strangely excited and even scared, I just circled around the room like a lost dog.

At that time, Johannes’s bedroom was, to me, nothing more than the messy wreckage I had seen on the day he had his fit. A dark, rough, and fierce place. A space that seemed like the epitome of masculinity. The room I had occasionally entered with Griselda’s help during my childhood was not Johannes’s bedroom but the nursery, so Johannes’s private space was both a forbidden and unknown realm to me.

There’s no one to stop me anymore anyway.

After repeatedly pressing down on my pounding heart, I finally made up my mind and took a step. Crossing the threshold was the most difficult part. Just one step, just one step. I persuaded myself, even breaking out in a cold sweat. There were no guards to follow me, no maids to watch over me here. Even the ghostly last words left by that mad woman, my mother, couldn’t stop me here.

With the feeling of plunging into water, I boldly stepped into the unfamiliar wooden-grained corridor. The instinctive feeling of having committed a crime overwhelmed me, leaving me frozen in place. I managed to turn my stiff neck to confirm the direction Johannes usually disappeared to. I could see an unfamiliar entrance just a few steps away.

I ran those few steps like a madwoman. There was no time to worry about it possibly being a stranger’s room. I recklessly flung the door open, and fortunately, the unlocked door swung wide. I quickly turned around and pushed the door closed, like someone being chased by a beast.

It must have been because I was overly tense. Even though I had only run that short distance, my breathing was so labored that I felt like my heart would burst. I leaned my forehead against the door, catching my breath, and then timidly looked back. I felt my cheeks instantly flush.

Familiar clothing items hung on the walls of the simple bedroom, which had little furniture besides a bed and a table. An outer garment with bloodstains not yet completely removed. A gray top and black bottom, shabby like mine as they were hastily acquired. The thin nightwear I had seen the night before was neatly folded on the bed.

The only items that showed any signs of life in that place were his clothes. Everything else was so neatly arranged, as if it had been touched just once, that there was hardly any trace of a person. In fact, there wasn’t much to see, as it wasn’t much different from my room.

But that was enough.

My heart was pounding so hard. Gathering all my courage, I cautiously approached the chair where Johannes might have sat. After taking that first step, everything else followed quickly. I sat in Johannes’s chair, ran my hand over the surface of the table where he might have put on his gloves or eaten, and looked at the fireplace where he would have lit fires. I lifted the clothes hanging on the wall, and finally, my eyes moved to the bed.

Johannes’s bed.

At that moment, I recalled the image of Johannes sleeping beside me. It was followed by the memory of being surprised by his rough sleeping habits when we first shared a bed, which seemed oddly proper. You sleep like a child. You torment me even in your sleep. I couldn’t help but laugh.

It was just when I had thrown myself face-down on his bed and was flailing about that the tightly closed door suddenly opened with a loud noise.

“Young lady?”

I jumped up without even screaming. I hurriedly checked the entrance. Alyona, looking no less surprised than I was, stood there holding a broom. I’ve been caught, I’ve been caught. Even though it wasn’t a lady’s chamber, and I had merely left a small inn room, my heart, accustomed to a confined daily life, finally sank. Guilt, more familiar than solitude, was creeping into my limbs.

“What are you doing here?”

I felt my breath, which had been completely stuck, suddenly release at the girl’s bewildered question. It’s okay, it’s okay. The guilt that had been like a rough tide slowly washed away. This isn’t Gustavus or Indridason, I told myself. This isn’t any fortress or any tower. Nevertheless, I curled my twitching, trembling fingers into my palm and moved my lips.

“You should have made some noise. You startled me…”

A sigh of relief escaped unbidden, and I hung my head low. Somehow, all the strength left my body, and I collapsed to one side.

It was after that when my heart, which had shown no signs of calming down, started to beat for a different reason. My cheeks felt subtly hot. It was because I felt like I had shown an indecorous side to a subordinate. Should I make an excuse? I closed my eyes tightly and muttered.

“Well… I was bored… and curious, so I came to see.”

What excuse.

“All inn rooms are the same, what could you be curious about?”

“You don’t know. It’s the bedroom of a lover. Doesn’t just hearing about it make your heart flutter?”

“……”

“Hey, don’t tell Johannes about this, okay? He’ll surely tease me about it endlessly, all proud of himself.”

But given the atmosphere these days, he might not do that. The thought that Johannes had changed noticeably recently only then popped into my head. Well, we’ve been through more than ordinary events lately. Moreover, what lies ahead is a dark tangle with no visible end.

I glanced up slightly. I could hear Alyona closing the door and approaching. Perhaps because of the unseemly sight I had shown in the morning, the girl’s expression, which I had expected to be embarrassed or uncomfortable, was quite peculiar. It was a face that seemed greatly pitiful, and on the other hand, even tinged with worry.

“Then why didn’t you just look around the room… Why did you climb onto the bed a man uses?”

The girl, who had now reached my side, crouched down beside the bed and looked up at me as she asked. Although still impolite, her tone didn’t seem to be sarcastic.

In fact, I was even glad to see her attitude, which seemed unrestrained for the first time in a while. I put on a deliberately secretive look and pretended to look around. After confirming that Alyona was innocently rolling her eyes to follow my gaze, I casually asked.

“By the way, are you still unmarried?”

“Huh? Yes, yes.”

“And you’ve never had a lover?”

“No. With work being so busy, who has time for romance?”

“I see. Then you might not understand.”

“Understand what?”

“Well… Look, I know it’s embarrassing, but just looking isn’t enough for me. I can’t stand it.”

“Can’t stand what?”

“Well…”

I pulled the edge of the blanket near my face while choosing my words carefully in my mind. When I buried my nose deep in it, I thought I could smell Johannes’s scent. Something like the smell of clean wind. I rubbed the thick white cloth against my cheek.

“You know, a bed is like a person’s naked body.”

“Ugh. What kind of expression is that?”

“Don’t be disgusted right away, think about it. Even a cruel king or a beggar from the marketplace, they all take off their blood-stained armor or sweat-soaked clothes before going to bed, right? If not naked, then what? And if your lover’s such defenseless form is right before your eyes, do you think you could resist touching?”

“You mean when you see a bed, you think of a person?”

“Yes.”

“I, I don’t really understand what you’re saying.”

“Why? Can’t you imagine it?”

“Yes, it’s a bit… I’m not in a position to think of one person when I see a bed.”

“Why?”

“Well, you might have one bed per person in your household, but for people like us, we’re lucky if we can fit several people in one bed.”

“Huh?”

“Didn’t you know? In the main building of our inn, up to fifty people can fit in one large room. Fifty naked bodies dripping with sweat, ugh…”

“Um… Even I find that a bit…”

“You really are clueless about the ways of the world, young lady…”

Alyona shook her head as if to say I was talking nonsense.

“When I look at a bed, you know what I think? Ah, it’s going to take three months and fifteen days just to dry this bedding.”

Alyona sighed deeply, cupped her cheeks, and buried her nose between her knees. Even after hearing the girl’s story, I couldn’t easily imagine it. How can fifty people fit in one room?