#98

I woke up to the sound of Johan getting dressed earlier than me in the early morning. Half-asleep, I watched Johan’s back as he sat on the edge of the bed, putting his legs through his pants and pulling on his top. Then I suddenly opened my eyes wide.

I quickly moved closer to Johan’s back. I lifted up the top he had just put on and gasped.

“…Ah, I don’t know. What should I do about this?”

My heart was pounding from shock.

The bronze-colored skin that had seemed to spread all over Johan’s back had clearly diminished compared to the night before, but the dozen or so red lines I had left were haphazardly flowing down the firm lines of his white back revealed in the dim dawn light.

In my urgency, I tried to quickly get up. But Johan twisted his waist to stop me. The top of Johan’s that I had lifted finally fell back into place with a rustle.

“What are you getting up for.”

“I need to wipe it!”

Blocked by Johan’s arm and forced to sit back down, I let out a forceful cry. Johan’s eyes, which were looking back at me, opened wide. The pale blue color in his eyes, like the dawn air, looked somewhat innocent, so I rested my chin on his shoulder blade and pushed my pouting face closer.

“You don’t even know what your back looks like. It’s really bad. If we leave it like this, it’ll definitely scar. What should we do… Hey, shouldn’t we at least apply some of my ointment? Hm?”

“Is now really the time for you to be worrying about me?”

“If I’m not worried about you, who else should I be worried about?”

I retorted to his puzzled question, but Johan didn’t give a particular answer. I couldn’t see the expression on his face as he remained silent. Since we were close enough that I could feel his breath on my forehead, all I could see was his slightly parted lips.

Suddenly, with a rustling sound, Johan turned around completely and gently cupped the back of my head with one hand. His head tilted sharply to one side as if aiming for my lips. Our lips met.

“I’ve been telling you this since yesterday, but you don’t seem to understand… Are you perhaps doing this on purpose?”

He asked me while repeatedly giving me light kisses.

“On purpose… No. I just don’t feel good seeing it, so I’m like this.”

I whispered as I received his kisses. My eyelids naturally drooped. With my eyes barely open enough to make out what was in front of me, I tilted my face to find a good angle for kissing.

As I returned the kiss, gently diving between his slightly parted lips, Johan immediately sought me out again. The quiet sensations we exchanged in between conversation seemed to erase the unfamiliar energy from the night before.

“You know now. If I want to, I can leave no trace at all.”

“Then why didn’t you decide that earlier…”

“It’s not even that serious of a wound, I just don’t want to show an ugly sight. There’s not really anywhere to hide my body here either.”

An ugly sight, he says.

I was momentarily at a loss for words. After staring at Johan’s calm eyes for a moment, I placed my hand on his nape. Or rather, on the prominent part in the center of his neck. And I recalled how his neck, so different from my smooth one and occasionally stirring my heart, had once been pierced by an arrow.

I remembered the sight of something like thin blood vessels writhing from the pierced wound. Of course, when I first witnessed it, I was startled enough to jump, but now, even if those things were to wriggle right before my eyes, I didn’t think I would find it particularly repulsive. I carefully caressed his neck and asked.

“…So, you can control it after all?”

“Usually, yes.”

“There are times when you can’t control it at your will, right?”

“When it’s hard to endure. In other words… I usually succeed in forcibly suppressing what’s always acting on its own. That’s what ‘usually’ means.”

Johan answered while holding the back of my hand. His matter-of-fact tone made me feel upset all over again.

“I wonder what kind of villain that knight’s father you mentioned was…”

That moment was probably the first time I resented you.

“I’m glad if you’re healthy, but how could this be? He really fulfilled mother’s wish in such a terrible way.”

I was aware of the sharp edge in my tone. I couldn’t help but feel a slight anger rising. It was astonishing that no one had noticed his unusual physical condition all this time while he fought countless lance competitions for his independence and roamed the battlefields as the eldest son of Valdemar.

How could someone whose daily life involves breaking bones and cutting flesh not have had even one small accident? I can’t even begin to imagine how much he must have endured all this time.

“Do you dislike it?”

“What?”

I looked up at the sudden question. Johan swallowed once and replied briefly.

“What else.”

“I don’t dislike it.”

“You’re lying.”

“You know, why do you keep asking when you’re not going to believe me anyway?”

“……”

“Don’t test me, Johan. My answer will always be the same. I don’t dislike it. I really don’t dislike it. I don’t dislike it, I don’t dislike…”

Johan, who had been staring at me closely, kissed my lips as if to stop my almost exasperated repetition. Unlike before, it was a deep kiss that explored even inside my mouth. His arms wrapped around my waist.

“…Even if you say you dislike it, it doesn’t matter.”

He murmured in a low voice, pressing his forehead against mine as if about to push me back down. I hugged Johan tightly. Afraid of letting even a single syllable slip away, I pressed my lips to his ear and whispered earnestly.

“I don’t dislike it. How could I dislike any part of you when I like you this much.”

Was it just my imagination? The ear of Johan that touched my skin seemed to grow a little hot. He grabbed my nightgown around my waist. Soon after shaking his head once, he gently detached me from him and stood up.

“I’ll be late today.”

I looked up at him with resentful eyes. I was about to say ‘Don’t go,’ but I closed my mouth. It was because of his last words.

“Don’t pay too much attention to that child while I’m gone.”

Such baseless distrust and anxiety.

By ‘that child,’ he must be referring to Alyona. What could that small child possibly mean to me?

“What was it?”

I asked Johan’s back as he was getting off the bed. Johan turned around at my call. I moved closer to sit near him.

“What you said before. The memory you said wasn’t yours. You said I was lonely. And so you ‘abandoned’ me.”

“……”

“That, that’s the knight’s memory, right? …The devil’s.”

Through the conversation from the night before, I had just realized that not only the fact that I had left him, but also the memories of others he claimed to possess were further fueling his distrust.

However, around that time, Johan had a habit of being silent. Even if I dug deeper and pressed him, he would only spill out his anxieties while keeping the whole truth hidden in his mouth. Emotions without explanation. The behavior he showed me the night before must have been the most intense reaction that burst out due to my expression of loneliness being some kind of trigger.

At this rate, there’s no way to comfort him. At this rate, I had a feeling that we would keep going around in circles forever. I carefully continued speaking while observing Johan’s demeanor.

“I’m not asking for your excuses. If it’s hard to explain, we can let it go as it is, but if we’re going to let it go, at least don’t be so anxious. Whatever you saw, as you said yourself, it’s not even your own memory, right? There’s no way the person appearing in that ancient memory is really me, and even in the extremely unlikely case that it is, you can’t consider the me in someone else’s memory to be the real me, can you?”

“……”

“Johan. We’re already overwhelmed just trying to resolve the issues between the two of us, and given the nature of our relationship, there will be many more things we’ll have to face in the future. So please, just focus on your own memories. I’m begging you.”

“……”

“I am… here, Johan.”

“……”

“I am here.”

I held Johan’s hand, which was hanging limply by his side. Johan, looking down at me, seemed a bit dazed. As if his senses were dulled, it was only after a considerable amount of time had passed since I took his hand that he shifted his gaze to his hand held in mine. After maintaining silence for a while longer, he turned his body as if to leave the room.

“Wait, Johan. At least answer me…!”

“Can’t you be satisfied with just me for a while?”

“…For a while?”

“I know it’s an unreasonable request. So… at least until I can calm down a bit more. Right now, I just can’t. I can’t.”

“……”

“I can’t.”

I stared at the back of Johan’s head as he stood with his hand in mine.

“…Alright.”

I belatedly gave a small answer and nodded my head, forgetting that he couldn’t see me. Even though I still couldn’t quite understand, he looked so troubled right now.

Suddenly, Johan lowered his head. His nape, which was bent forward sharply as if something had been placed on it, was laden with numerous emotions. Self-abandonment. Self-reproach. Something like pain.

“… is mistaken.”

I strained my ears to hear Johan’s voice. Because his voice, which had suddenly started to mutter, was so low, I couldn’t hear the subject.

“… thinks… you and that person are the same.”

“Who? You?”

I asked hurriedly, but Johan, as if he hadn’t heard my question, continued his last words without any further explanation.

“I’m looking at you as if you’re a person from the past.”

And then a brief silence.

Since I didn’t hear the detailed circumstances after that, even now I can only guess. ‘The devil.’ Or ‘That person.’ Maybe that day, Johan had said something like that to me.

Perhaps I stupidly failed to immediately notice that confession, which might have been closest to the truth. Even though I got a slightly chilling impression, I only questioned my own senses, wondering why but not really understanding.

‘Looking at you.’

“…The wind is cold, so don’t go out anywhere and stay put, just in case.”

Johan, who had spoken in a whisper with a suddenly urgent look, let go of my hand and headed towards the exit. I remained alone on the bed, watching Johan’s back as he flung the door open.

“Eek!”

A short scream suddenly rang out from beyond the open door. The scream, without even needing to look closely at who it was, belonged to Alyona. Perhaps because the girl had frozen in place, the two of them just stood there silently. Johan, who had been holding the doorknob as if waiting for Alyona to enter, finally gave a brief bow.

“…Ah, h-hello…”

Alyona’s skirt rustled loudly as she finally managed to stammer out a greeting, having been hesitating without being able to say anything. Although I couldn’t see well because Johan’s body was blocking the view, it seemed she had belatedly curtsied. Whether siblings or cousins, having witnessed a man sneaking out of a relative’s bedroom in pajamas at dawn, she probably felt like running away.

After staring at the girl for a moment, Johan soon turned his head and disappeared in the direction of his own bedroom. The sound of footsteps echoing softly in the corridor somehow felt complicated.