#96

Johannes, not receiving an answer, finally pressed me. My lips seemed to part. I couldn’t even ask him to let go of my shoulders. With the rapid breaths coming from below my collarbone all being shocking, I was confused, unable to connect anything.

You must understand. For me, who hadn’t heard any detailed inside story until that moment, it was an inevitable reaction. Even the voice of my younger self from long ago was echoing in my eardrums.

Are you okay with this?

Thump thump, thump thump. The sound of heavy heartbeats climbed up my nape and circled my ears. If I’m okay?

I know you’ll accept that ridiculous request, you blind fool. Don’t ever accept it. Are you planning to walk into the mud on your own?

What are you saying? Why do you think that?

Refuse this madness. Drive him away.

And leave this desperate person? Why should I? No.

While wanting to kill.

I inhaled. Thump thump, thump thump. The twelve-year-old child’s final accusation completely overlapped with my pulse. That you, blind one, will end up killing everyone. Him, me, all of us, you will kill. At that voice, it felt like my heart would completely sink. I shook my head vigorously, as if desperately grasping at something crumbling.

“Why are you saying such things? That’s not true.”

My gripped shoulder hurt. It was then that Johannes’ eyes slowly rose from near my seemingly about to fall heart. Only then did I suddenly come to my senses. I lowered my gaze. My eyes met Johannes’, who was submerged as if sinking into my shadow. It seemed Johannes had reacted to the words I had unknowingly shouted. He wouldn’t have understood the meaning, like some beast.

Don’t say such nonsense. What could I possibly do?

I tried to calm my breath that had become rough at some point. Eyes that had suddenly become gaunt were watching me. Staring at those pale blue eyes that seemed angry at me for reasons I didn’t know, that looked more unstable than me, I whispered breathlessly, as if erasing the voice in my ears, as if making a promise.

“That’s not true. I just need you.”

“……”

“I don’t want anything else. I never have.”

“……”

“I mean it.”

Johannes, who had been looking at me with an utterly tired expression, slowly embraced me. He buried his forehead in my nape and exhaled a deep breath, slowly rubbing his cheek.

It was a time when night beasts would be roaming outside. I couldn’t know the exact time, but it seemed certain that it was at least very late at night. Only after I wrapped my arms around Johannes’ neck did I notice he was wearing thin pajamas.

His neck was unusually exposed, and the bare skin of his feet touching me closely was cold. Judging by such attire, it seemed Johannes had gotten up from bed and come looking for me just like that. Could it be he hadn’t slept a wink until now? Even a beast drenched in rain would be less pitiful than this.

It was a strange feeling. As if I was the one who had been drenched by the pouring rain with my whole body. And my heart pounding inside that chilled chest felt hotter than usual. Heat rising in the rain. It was difficult to control the strangely throbbing feeling. I raised my slightly trembling hand to stroke the back of Johannes’ head.

“…This time too, what makes you so lonely?”

“……”

“Johannes. Perhaps… is the me in your memories lonely?”

There was no answer. Johannes’ shoulders, embracing me, or rather nestled in my arms, jumped slightly as if answering in place of his lips. I whispered as if kissing the ear of this pitiable person.

“Did I leave you because I was lonely?”

“……”

“Why would I have done that when I had you like this? I can’t understand… I really am a bad person… Right?”

I slid my hand from stroking Johannes’ head to caress his ear and jawline with my fingertips. Whether he had broken into a cold sweat, the bare skin clinging to me was damp and hot. Johannes shuddered slightly and exhaled a deep breath. He might have called me, Yvette. Somehow, I felt my breath quicken at such a tender voice.

Suddenly, I thought it would be nice to undress right here. My clothes. Or Johannes’, who was gently biting my nape as if trying to leave his teeth marks like he did in the forest… such clothes.

Johannes didn’t hurt me like before. He just bit deeply while his jaw trembled, then immediately rubbed the place he had bitten with his lips. Like that, Johannes came up to my ear. The sound of my clearly quickened breath was audible even to my own ears. I felt like I might lose my senses a little. I clung to Johannes’ nape, which was grasping my chest over my nightgown.

At that moment, I thought Johannes wasn’t in his right mind. He must be hearing hallucinations or auditory illusions that I don’t know about from time to time due to the curse he heard earlier. So it seemed that periods like a few nights ago when his body changed greatly, or today, when he falls into delusions alone, come.

But there was something that bothered me. What was it? In the midst of feeling like my heart would melt completely, I hurriedly racked my brain. Come to think of it, wasn’t the day Johannes seemed to have completely lost his mind the day his body changed?

…Why today?

It felt like my heart sank. Because only the sensation on the nape of his neck felt unusually smooth among his skin touching my arms. It was the bronze-like touch I had already felt several times.

“…Why are you like this?”

It was like being splashed with cold water in the face. I hurriedly unfolded my arms and grabbed Johannes’ nape. Since Johannes was reluctant to let go of me, I ended up grasping the hem of his top while still in his embrace. And I reached both hands around to embrace Johannes while rummaging inside his clothes.

I felt his well-toned bare back. The texture of that skin was not at all different from mine. With an anxious heart, I traced up his curved spine, and finally, the skin that gradually became smoother from the center between his shoulder blades touched my fingertips. That metallic skin was spreading down from Johannes’ nape.

“I’m asking why you’re like this.”

I pressed the unresponsive Johannes.

“It’s fine.”

Johannes answered in a whisper, not removing his lips from my neck. Ah, this is not the time.

“Let me… go for a bit, Johannes. How long have you been like this? Since then? The day you came through the window?”

“It’s been happening occasionally from before, so you don’t need to worry. It’ll get better soon.”

“From before?”

As I persistently pursued Johannes who kept avoiding, his arms finally loosened and his body moved away a little. I quickly grabbed his waist inside his clothes, afraid he might run away without answering. What happened next was sudden. Abruptly, Johannes grasped my chin with one hand.

“Wa, wait…”

I couldn’t finish my words. There was no chance to try and stop it. He kissed me recklessly, parting my lips, and immediately intertwined his tongue, entering through the gap that had opened in my confusion. It was as if he was going to devour me. As he pulled and embraced my waist tightly, I reflexively stretched my arms to his back and embraced him, having lost my balance.

Johannes didn’t seem to care much that his only top was pushed up by my arms. Of course, it was the middle of the night and no one else was around except us two, but still, it was a corridor where people could come and go at any time.

I was so shocked that my vision turned white. In that moment when I was completely dazed. The only action I could take was to submit to his kiss.

As I tilted my head, gasping for breath, and responded as if clinging to him lest I fall backwards if I let go, only then did Johannes’ kiss become a little gentler as he regained some composure. Even so, it was a gesture that could hardly be described as not rough.

“…I wish this moment was daytime.”

Suddenly, he murmured breathlessly against my lips, having pulled out as if sucking my tongue. Thanks to that, I barely regained my breath and couldn’t even think of responding. I didn’t even hear his words properly. I was just gasping, hah, hah, with my startled heart.

Johannes bared his teeth as if to bite my lips and released my waist. After steadying me who was about to collapse, he immediately pressed his forehead against mine and rapidly poured out words I couldn’t understand at all.

“I wish the whole world could witness what I’m doing to you. Your father and your brothers and your knight. The crowds gathered at the castle and the corpses. And more than anyone else, I wish you, yes, you would know, Giovinetta. Do you understand? Now I’m ruining you who has made a mess of me. Will you at least make a shocked expression, you who have been violated by such a man.”

“…Johannes. I don’t really understand what you’re saying…”

“My head is so full of vicious thoughts. Right now, you shouldn’t be worrying about my body or anything.”

“Why shouldn’t I? Don’t say that. I’m worried about you. I always am.”

“I want you, Yvette.”

“I’m by your side, aren’t I?”

“…I feel like I’m dying.”

It was a complete non sequitur. Those lips that seemed to hear nothing pressed against my temple, forehead, eyelids, and finally settled on my lips. Johannes approached one step at a time, slowly pushing me back.

I had to take steps backward while receiving his kiss. When we reached the boundary between the bedroom and the corridor, Johannes suddenly raised his head. Looking somewhat dejected, he stared at the door frame above with tightly closed lips, still seeming out of breath. The sight of him shaking his head alone towards the ceiling as if denying something was, in itself, like a miserable lamentation.

Johannes lowered his gaze towards me little by little. Woosh, like leafy branches swaying in a non-existent wind, he couldn’t focus on one spot. Johannes, with his expression erased, raised his hand as if tracing my chin. After wiping my wet lips with his thumb, he muttered blankly.

“…Go inside.”

“Johannes.”

I think I shook my head slightly.

“Go in, Yvette.”

“Johannes.”

One step closer. I was pushed by him and completely entered my room. Another step. Johannes crossed the threshold and came in. Soon, thud. The door closed in the darkness. I was locked in a dark room with a lonely and sad beast. My pitiful beast asked me.

I couldn’t give any answer. Pitch-black darkness where nothing could be seen. Johannes’ voice, which was gradually tracing my waist and sides, pulling me into his waist as much as he traced, sounded absurdly dark red.

It was chilling. Like facing a devil for the first time in my life. Soaking me with jet-black, scratching me with trap-like nails, melting a wax-like voice into my ear… like a devil.

Was it fear? Was it excitement?

I trembled. I didn’t know the reason, but I couldn’t suppress the trembling of my whole body. It felt like my knees would buckle. In the end, I rested my forehead on his chest as if collapsing forward. Because I unknowingly grasped his front tightly, it seemed like the thin top would tear soon. I desperately muttered.

Don’t stop.

Perhaps because my breathing was too rough, my voice was trembling excessively.

As soon as my permission fell, Johannes lifted me up like lightning. His nose bridge brushed near my suddenly raised lips. I grabbed his shoulders and tightly wrapped my legs around his waist. Already then, something hard seemed to have risen to his lower abdomen, pressing firmly against me. I muttered, gasping.

Jo, Johannes.

Johannes…. Johannes.

Was that fear? Was it excitement?

I knew this would happen.

Crazy bitch.

My twelve-year-old self grumbled softly.