#95

Johan once again spoke of a past I didn’t know, as if it were someone else’s story. I couldn’t believe it. The one who summoned the devil in this generation was… Mother? But you… you seemed to know what I had prayed for at the stone coffin.

“Devil, I don’t want to marry that person.”

On the day of my first seizure, Johan, transformed into the devil, clearly whispered that to me and comforted me. Then what was my wish? Was it simply invalid? Amidst the confusion in my head, I suddenly recalled a conversation with Johan from the day when my body and mind were utterly trampled by ‘it’, whether it was Johan or someone else.

“Did you hate me enough to do such a thing to me?”

“It’s not your fault, Isolde.”

“Then what is it…?”

“You don’t understand.”

“Why can’t I? How do you know that?”

“You… never…”

“Try to explain it to me.”

“That wasn’t me. It couldn’t have been me.”

I pondered. From the beginning. I couldn’t make sense of it at all. Even his self-blame for actions that weren’t his own came to mind one after another, like a chain reaction.

No… Perhaps you’ve been lying and trying to gain my sympathy all this time because you’re troubled by what you did to me? There was no other way to think about it. I was too afraid of the answer to ask.

Perhaps because I had been silent for too long, Johan’s expression, which had been staring at me, gradually darkened. It seems that day, Johan misunderstood my silence. Around that time, as my strength gave out, Johan grasped my hand that was almost hanging on his lapel. When I suddenly came to my senses and raised my gaze to meet his,

“Mother wished for a son.”

Johan blurted out urgently.

“Huh?”

I asked reflexively. After hesitating for a moment with an anxious look, Johan added with difficulty.

“She must have been anxious. Our family has always been short of heirs, hasn’t it? So she used the devil, but unfortunately, I… was born in an unhealthy state. That must have been the influence of the curse, the malediction. So you don’t have to worry about anything else.”

“……”

“Mother immediately made another wish. She wished for her son to grow up safely, and the result is this… body that’s not quite human. Mother was afraid of me like this. How could she not be, with a son who could hardly be seen as human, and she couldn’t even tell anyone about it.”

“……”

“I couldn’t understand the direction in which Mother’s wish was fulfilled all this time. After hearing your story today, I think I understand a bit. It’s because of the curse.”

As if it’s not so easy to fabricate lies that fit together, while his tone explaining to me was quick and resolute, his eyes clinging to mine were shaking terribly until the end.

I lowered my head slightly to avoid Johan’s gaze, which had come so close that our noses almost touched. Somehow, I couldn’t look at him directly. I rubbed my forehead, which had become even more confused than before.

“So… you’re just saying that a devil has possessed your body?”

I’m not sure if Johan answered me then. It was closer to a soliloquy to organize my complicated thoughts rather than a question. My mind was so overwhelmed with questions that everything seemed to turn black before my eyes. Then where is its true form?

The devil?

The stone coffin in the inner hall was empty except for the wings it contained. The tightly tangled skein of thread seemed to unravel but didn’t, and I felt like I had lost even the end of the thread I had barely grasped. I hesitantly raised my head. Feeling I should listen until the end, I asked Johan.

“Johan.”

“……”

“What was the last wish?”

“Hm?”

“You said Mother made three wishes. The first was for a son, the second for your health. Then what was the third?”

Mother’s third wish. That was the first time that day I approached the true cause of all this trouble and the seed that grew into the final tragedy of our generation.

Perhaps because he hadn’t thought that far in his anxiety, Johan raised his eyebrows for a moment. He looked quite flustered, unlike his usual self. Of course, he couldn’t easily answer when it was obvious that I would misunderstand.

His reaction made me anxious as well, but I waited silently for his answer. I didn’t want to give the impression of rushing him too much. I felt that if I missed this moment, it would take a long time to get another chance. Nevertheless, the wait was quite long. I was left alone to calm my anxious heart, and for a moment, I fell into contemplation with Johan in front of me.

Perhaps.

Could it be that that crazy woman, out of fear of Johan, foolishly wished for another son once again? If Johan’s words were true, it was obvious that no matter how much that woman wished for a son, all she could get was a sickly child. Ah.

Is that why Winfrid was born weak?

The conjecture seemed quite plausible. I felt a bit relieved inwardly.

Looking back now, I think I was desperately trying to point to Mother as the root cause of all this confusion, not wanting to blame Johan if possible. In addition, I may have been desperate to identify Mother as the culprit of all this chaos. I wanted to cover up the difficult-to-understand truth and piece together only the stories that fit like a patchwork. Yes, it was all because that woman was foolish.

And Johan, who had been hesitating for a long time, finally opened his mouth. I raised my head, sensing his lips parting.

Mother’s third wish.

The continuing night.

The nightmare of Johan’s blood-soaked form visited me without fail that day too. I opened my eyes, startled awake. The eerie feeling of a flat metal piercing my back had overcome me, transcending deep sleep.

My heart was beating frantically. My head was foggy, and I couldn’t distinguish the time and place. Out of habit, I lay still, holding my breath, then slowly reached out to the space beside me.

The old man wasn’t there.

As soon as I realized I was completely alone, I sat up abruptly in bed. It felt like tears would burst forth at any moment, but I couldn’t even let out a short groan, let alone cry. I felt the bandages wrapped around my body soaked with cold sweat. My whole body was trembling like an aspen leaf, and everything before my eyes was pitch black. The sound of wind seeping through the window cracks was as desolate as the old man’s sleeping breath.

Would he come if I called? No, should I go to Johan’s room instead? I struggled, trying to suppress my quivering insides.

Johan, who had stayed with me for a long time that night, only returned to his own bedroom after confirming that I had gone to bed. I wanted to hold him back, saying my dreams had been troubled these past few days, but the weariness on his face as he bid me goodnight was so apparent that I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Perhaps even those who build lies are as burdened as those buried in them.

“Mother wished for a new son.”

“That… was her third wish.”

Johan told me so. I was greatly relieved by this expected answer. Then I lamented that I couldn’t figure out where the devil was, whether it was a ghost or a beast with all four limbs and flesh, or if it even had a physical form.

“It’s such an ancient thing.”

He said.

His response was that devils are beings beyond the comprehension of mortal beings like us. I got the impression that there was something not quite right about the atmosphere in his voice, but I had no specific grounds, so I let it pass. And finally, I asked him:

“How do you know all these stories from before?”

“……”

That was the only question Johan ultimately postponed answering that day. How much he must have wanted to hide it. No, how much he must have wanted to reveal it. Even now, I don’t think I understand even half the depth of despair he must have felt throughout his life.

It was when the window frame clattered in the wind that I, who had been curled up like a frightened animal, finally sprang from my bed. As if that sound were a signal, I hurriedly fumbled through the darkness to grasp the oil lamp and flint on the table.

Like someone whose brain had suddenly frozen, I only thought that I had to go to Johan. He would protect me. He would comfort me. But my hands were shaking so severely that I couldn’t light the fire. After failing to ignite it despite my best efforts, I relied on the faint embers and rushed out to find the exit.

My whole body was swaying. At one point, I almost tripped over my own feet. Somehow managing to keep my balance, I approached the doorway as if falling forward and found the doorknob to grasp it. And as I flung the door open to reveal the pitch-black corridor…

Johan was standing there. Facing my bedroom. Like some dark apparition.

At first, not recognizing him, I was completely startled. Just as I was about to scream “Ahh!”, Johan suddenly grabbed the back of my head and covered my mouth with his other hand. I instinctively grabbed his wrist.

“It’s me.”

Johan whispered softly. Only upon hearing that voice did I realize that the stranger I faced was Johan. After maintaining a strange silence for a moment, he finally released my mouth when he saw signs that I was calming down.

“Why… why are you standing here like this? It’s scary…”

I scolded Johan, panting. Johan gently pulled his wrist free from my grasp. That simple action of moving away from me felt so disappointing in the midst of my anxiety. Until then, not noticing Johan’s unusual state, I suddenly tried to embrace him, but.

“Don’t pay attention to that child.”

Johan suddenly blocked me and said. That child?

“Who?”

Unable to understand at a glance who he was referring to, I asked back. The grip of Johan’s hands, which had somehow grasped both my shoulders, seemed to tighten a little.

Johan, who had been standing about a step away from me, bent over while holding onto my shoulders. Little by little. Eventually, what filled my vision was his hair swaying faintly in the darkness. He muttered in a voice so low it seemed to bury itself in the ground.

“Alona… the maid here… No, it doesn’t matter who.”

“What?”

“Don’t show interest in anyone but me.”

It was a deep, monotonous voice. In that tone, demanding something so sudden and almost impossible of me, there was not a trace of the pleading atmosphere I had felt over the past few days. It was just a tone as if suppressing a boiling inside, as if he were angry with me.

I was extremely perplexed. It was too sudden. I didn’t know what was going on.

“Wh-why…?”

“……”

“Why are you suddenly… saying such things, Johan? I’m just…”

“You asked how I knew.”

“Huh?”

Johan seemed to be gritting his teeth. His whole body seemed to stiffen, and just as my shoulders were starting to hurt, he whispered with difficulty.

“I have memories. Memories that aren’t mine. And sometimes that boundary crumbles. Especially when my body changes. Sometimes it’s beyond that, to the point where it’s hard to distinguish who I am.”

“……”

“Don’t give your side to anyone else.”

“……”

“This time too, you can’t be satisfied with just me alone? What makes you so lonely?”