#93

At my request, Johannes postponed his schedule for a day and went out early the next morning. Throughout that day when Johannes was absent, I stayed alone with Aliona as usual, and Aliona did not properly meet my gaze even once. She only mumbled short answers to my questions.

It must have been the expected course of events, but Aliona had finally begun to avoid me.

I am accustomed to silence. Griselda, who was my only conversation partner, was a good nanny but not a good companion, so there were many days when I spent a day or two without any meaningful conversation with her in the chamber where it was just the two of us.

Perhaps it should be considered fortunate. Since I had never had a particularly long conversation with anyone since being confined to the chamber, I had never felt particularly uncomfortable until then. In fact, I am the kind of person who can easily spend two weeks without speaking. In the chamber, such silence was the norm.

However, it must have been different for Aliona. That lovely and innocent child was visibly lively and talkative. But such a child was now trapped in a room with a despicable woman who had violated taboos.

How difficult it must have been. She must have found it disgusting to even speak with a woman who shamelessly displayed improper affection right in front of her, yet she couldn’t leave on her own. It’s truly a pitiful situation.

I understood the girl’s clumsy avoidance to some extent. However, I had no other words to offer first. I could only imagine how uncomfortable that time of flowing silence must have been for that child and feel sorry for her.

That it was just an excessive display of affection.

That we weren’t actually siblings.

At that time, I could have made various excuses to Aliona. However, judging from Johannes’s attitude of not wanting to hide our relationship, it didn’t seem like there would be trouble even if Aliona ran out to report us right away. With no major worries or discomfort like this, why should I make any excuses?

Yes, around that time, I had no worries other than my inner conflicts. Because Johannes was there.

“Um…”

In the end, it was Aliona who approached me first, unable to bear the awkward silence. It was when she was wiping my body as I lay face down on the bed. With my head turned to the side, I saw the girl, who had not said a word other than an awkward morning greeting, hesitantly opening and closing her mouth.

“Is there something you want to ask?”

When I gently asked Aliona, who still couldn’t muster up the courage and ended up pursing her lips, she asked back.

“Are you and the knight… perhaps… cousins…?”

“Ah…”

I was about to reflexively deny it but closed my mouth. In fact, it wasn’t that surprising as I had somewhat anticipated this question, but somehow I couldn’t easily find the words.

My noble stubbornness, which thought that if we had any sin it was only that we loved each other, was not easy to simply affirm, and when I tried to deny it outright, a strange new emotion stopped me. For some reason, throughout that day, I felt a bit empty inside.

I found it quite curious and surprising how Aliona approached me in such an unfamiliar way. Although I couldn’t shake off the embarrassing feeling as it was something I wasn’t used to, I think I secretly wanted to get along well with Aliona.

My first companion of my own age.

Sometimes, I imagined being open with her. Even if that was difficult, I thought it would be enough just to watch the antics of a girl a few years younger than me. Meanwhile, if I were to openly reveal that we were siblings, it was clear as day that I would become even more distant from Aliona….

“Y-yes… We’re cousins.”

I said.

After giving an answer I wasn’t too keen on, I swallowed hard. I fretted uselessly, thinking how nice it would be if Aliona understood on her own without me having to explain. In fact, it was sudden and bewildering even for me to have broken down my mental walls so much in just a few days. However, I don’t think it was just a reckless desire on my part.

I was lonely. It was simply that my heart, with so many empty spaces, easily made room for Aliona’s unpretentious attitude. In those days when only the third floor of the desolate tower was my entire world. When my only close companion was Griselda, who was as rigid as a well-trimmed wooden statue, who would dare criticize that I had no right to be lonely?

…Johannes?

In any case, Aliona didn’t seem to quite believe my answer even after hearing it.

“I… I see…”

Aliona responded glumly, lowering her gaze. After that, an atmosphere even more awkward than before enveloped the girl’s entire body. Perhaps she had discovered something not quite right in my attitude. Aliona even began to exude a kind of fear. I sighed secretly at such an Aliona.

How could I coax and soothe this child to play with me?

I had such thoughts while watching Aliona, who would turn pale and startled at even the slightest touch with me. Just a slight brush would terrify her like this…. No particularly good ideas came to mind. Only the empty space in my heart, where I had slightly opened the door, felt hollow.

Fortunately, autumn days are not too long.

It was a short day where I, lost in my own worries, just stared blankly at the game board on the table, and Aliona, who had first witnessed improper lovers, scurried from corner to corner like a frightened mouse. Ding dong, ding dong…. A humble bell rang from afar where serfs would be busy harvesting golden wheat, oblivious to labor.

Vespers.

“…It would be nice if she could be a companion just until we leave, since it would be difficult to interact anyway. I guess it’s not possible. That’s why I felt a bit troubled and upset…”

Johannes, who returned from the nearby castle only after the sun had set, was in the midst of taking off his coat and gloves to hang on the wall. I concluded my long-winded complaints with a small sigh.

“How should I put it…. I guess I was lonely after all.”

“…”

I looked up at his back, curled up in the armchair. Waiting for Johannes’s reaction like that, I slightly raised my eyebrows. I saw Johannes’s back stiffen momentarily as he was rummaging through the inside of his outer garment without any particular response.

I’m not sure how I noticed it. It was such a small stiffening that I wouldn’t have noticed under normal circumstances. But the curiosity was brief. Johannes, who turned around holding a red piece of paper he had taken out of his pocket, looked calm. In the end, after watching Johannes for a moment, I just passed it off as a trick of the flickering candlelight. Johannes advised as he walked towards me.

“If you don’t make it too difficult, she’ll probably open up soon. You’ve already said you’re cousins, so no matter how suspicious she is, what can she accuse you of? …Still, we should keep a close eye on her for a while to make sure she doesn’t run to the church.”

“Hey, you won’t hurt her, will you, Johannes?”

“…Of course not.”

“If something goes wrong, let’s just run away. I think that would be better. Can we do that…?”

“Sure.”

It probably wouldn’t have been as easy as he made it sound. Johannes, who brushed back my hair as I rested my chin between my gathered knees, lightly answered while kissing my forehead.

I happily received the kiss without much worry. I just shifted my hips slightly and patted the remaining space with my palm. Johannes hesitated for a moment, but soon a helpless smile appeared on his lips. He soon squeezed in and sat down beside me.

“Is this it?”

“Yes. Ah, you don’t need to hold it…”

“What are you doing? Give it here.”

“Wait, Inette. I’ll show you. Wait…”

“What’s the problem…! It’s not like it’s someone else’s blood anyway.”

Johannes, who had unfolded the paper in front of me, raised his arm high to avoid my hand. I exclaimed, “Just stay still for a bit,” to Johannes, who was holding his arm far away in the air, and pressed down on his shoulder and forearm.

That struggle lasted quite a while. The piece of paper that I had almost forcibly wrested away was a letter that had been soaked in Johannes’s blood and then dried as it was. The very letter that ‘I’ had sent to Johannes requesting rescue.

Although it was stained bright red, fortunately it seemed Johannes had taken good care of it. He must have flattened it well before it hardened, as the neatly folded letter didn’t have a single torn corner.

“The writing is all smudged.”

I lamented, panting as I held Johannes’s arm tightly against my chest. Johannes, whose chin touched my shoulder as his body twisted diagonally, briefly sighed “Ah” bitterly, agreeing with my disappointment.

“What on earth was written that made you think I sent it…. Did ‘I’ boldly reveal my identity or something?”

“It was lyrics.”

“Lyrics?”

“Do you remember the letters I sent you?”

“Mm-hmm. You mean your ‘love letters’. Of course I remember…. I can still recite some songs by heart.”

I answered shyly, recalling the lyrics I had secretly taken comfort in at Indrida Castle. “You didn’t know?” I asked, and Johannes briefly replied, “I didn’t know,” burying his head in my shoulder as if embarrassed.

His quiet breath was close enough to touch the tip of my chin. His gaze, looking at me sideways, was so shy and sweet.

I bent one arm into Johannes’s armpit and stroked the back of his head. The feeling brushing against my fingers was quite pleasant. Johannes closed his eyes as if savoring my touch and whispered softly.

“…I don’t know if you know this, but there were a few songs I rewrote and sent at my own discretion, and this was one of them. I naturally thought it was you since there was no one else who would know.”

“Hmm…”

“As if it were part of the lyrics, there was one more line written at the end.”

“What was written?”

The gently closed eyelids half-opened. It was a somewhat unfocused gaze, as if recalling the last line of the letter. Johannes’s lips moved. And I was momentarily speechless.

“Save me.”

“…”

“…That day I learned what it feels like to have your blood run cold.”

The tips of my fingers, which had been lazily stroking through his platinum hair as they touched, suddenly stopped. Though I didn’t know the method, I could understand more deeply than before his anxiety that had allowed him to cover the long distance from Gustavus to this southern region in just three days.

“You must have been very worried…. And at such a time, I was talking about running away with someone else….”

I said, pulling myself together after blankly lowering my gaze. I pulled the back of Johannes’s head and kissed him under his eyelids. At that moment, Johannes was like a domesticated animal gently raised by human hands. Despite what must have been a very uncomfortable position, he remained still without a single complaint or movement, receiving my comfort falling on his eyelids. I pleaded with Johannes.

“…Still, you have to believe me. I didn’t send it. Really.”

“Alright.”

“I wonder who the sender was…. How much better it would have been if they had given some notice beforehand? If I had known, I would have at least stayed put…. No, no! Don’t misunderstand? I’m not saying I really planned to run away with Henrik. Just, that, the conversation you misunderstood…. That, you know…. Um….”

I trailed off. Johannes’s gaze staring intently at me seemed to be urging me on, but I couldn’t easily continue. I already knew well that Johannes’s self-reproach was no small matter. I hesitated to lay out my past married life unfiltered to someone like him, fearing it would only add to his guilt. I carefully chose my words in my mind.

“Actually, because Henrik slandered me… I incurred wrath…”

“That bastard kissed you in front of the crowd, he said.”

Johannes’s quietly recited voice caught in my nape. It wasn’t particularly a tone expecting an answer. That tone, it was so flat and showed not a hint of emotion. I wish he would get angry instead. I fidgeted, rubbing my tingling toes, and fumbled to continue speaking.