#91

“No. Where are you going alone? We can go together.”

The voice that burst out suddenly, like a fruit shell splitting open, sounded quite urgent even to my own ears. On the other hand, Johannes’ gaze as he looked directly at me seemed rather complex. With his lips still thinly pressed together, Johannes let out a low sigh as if trying to firm up some resolution and answered briefly.

“…Fort Gustavus.”

“……”

“I must visit there at some point, no matter when.”

And at his answer, I froze a little. Why do such a dangerous thing? As always, I couldn’t immediately understand Johannes. In fact, the first reason that suddenly came to mind was our living expenses.

However, judging by his recent spending habits, I suspected it wasn’t just a matter of funds, and under that assumption, there was only one reason I could think of.

A chill ran down my spine. Though I was familiar with it and knew it was now part of him, the atmosphere that lay like bluish moss in the basement still remained as a vague fear in my memory. Pressing down on my fluttering chest, I asked him.

“Is it. Because of the civil war sarcophagus? That’s it, right? …The wings.”

But Johannes gave no answer one way or the other. I bit my lips for a moment. Since the night before, I was frustrated to the point of feeling indigestion by his attitude of avoiding or circumventing important questions. Finally, I lightly grasped the front of his clothes. It was with the resolve to not let him avoid it anymore. Johannes’ blue eyes, which had been hidden by his lowered eyelids for some time, rose to meet mine.

“Tell me now.”

“……”

“How did you end up like that? You said ‘from the beginning.’ What exactly did that mean?”

“……”

“Johannes, Johannes. I’m a little confused. I’m not even sure exactly what’s causing you to be so anxious anymore. You’re this worried, but I’ve already seen you change several times and each time it really didn’t bother me at all. I have no intention of blaming you for what happened, and as I’ve said many times, I will never change my mind. So can’t you talk to me now?”

“……”

“Where did that boldness go, Johannes, when you pulled out the arrow in front of me?”

“It wasn’t boldness.”

When I pressed him almost like I was shouting, Johannes smiled a little bitterly.

“Because it wasn’t something I did hoping for your understanding. Just….”

“……”

“In a fit of anger.”

He grasped the back of my hand resting on his chest. I was surprised at how cold his skin felt against mine. It was as if he had just dipped his hand in ice water.

And I could feel the anxiety he couldn’t quite hide through the grip that held me. The gradually increasing strength. The cool moisture that seemed to seep between our touching skin. As if wanting to hide his trembling eyes, Johannes closed them for a moment.

Hoo… Without realizing it, I quietly let out the breath I had been holding so Johannes wouldn’t notice. It was difficult to press for an answer any further. Because his condition seemed far from normal, I couldn’t just keep pushing him recklessly. In the end, having gathered my thoughts in a different direction, I called out to Johannes softly to get his attention and said:

“I’ll try, Johannes.”

“Try what?”

Johannes asked with a slightly surprised look.

“We don’t have much time left, do we? I’ll try to make you feel at ease. It would be even better if you change your mind before we leave.”

“……”

“The reason I left you… No, honestly I’m not sure what else I should say, but I’ll try somehow. At least be assured that I won’t change my mind. You try to be a little braver for me too.”

“……”

“Will you do that?”

I waited for an answer while looking at Johannes’ eyes, which couldn’t quite erase the shocked expression. In the long silence, only the sun continued to set. The parched sunlight, like yellowed fallen leaves, had already descended near the window and piled up layer by layer like the sill’s thickness, but there was no sign of Johannes’ answer coming. Only his troubled gaze gradually darkened.

I felt upset. The fact that I suddenly recalled what Henrik had once said to me might have just been due to my own immature nature.

“People like us.”

“Cowardly cripples.”

“…Complete cowards.”

I hit Johannes’ chest with my clenched fist hard enough to make a thud! sound. Although it was a fairly forceful punch on my part, Johannes didn’t even let out a short groan.

He just stared at me, without even stepping back a little. You’re right, he seemed to say. His lips, which had seemed like they would never open, finally whispered painfully.

It was in a voice so small it was almost inaudible. It was also in a tone that seemed to regard himself as quite pathetic. Whatever I responded with, it all seemed futile against that colorless voice.

Silence. It felt as if an uncomfortable and awkward current was dividing the two of us. Johannes, who had been averting his gaze for a moment, said he should probably go out again now, picked me up, and set me down outside the chair. Though I was secretly quite disappointed, I didn’t say anything and saw him off to the entrance.

I felt stifled. As if we had just had a big fight somehow. One step, two steps. With each reluctant step I took, it felt like some unknown hot and cold moisture was welling up to my chin.

Though I had been the first to say I would try, I couldn’t bear the disappointment of sending him off without hearing any answer. I felt a bit sorry towards Johannes for harboring such feelings.

And on the other hand, I was even ashamed of my own immaturity. I’m such a person who only cares about myself. Another step, and then two. But I just couldn’t bear to let him go like this. Finally, at the last moment, tap. I stopped in my tracks as if making up my mind.

“Oh, where are you going today?”

I asked, running a couple steps at once and hugging one of Johannes’ arms as he was about to leave the inner room. Johannes, caught by me, stopped halfway through opening the door and half-turned around.

“To the castle. It’s proving harder than I thought to find suitable clothes for you to wear. I should also get some new ointment.”

“Is that so? Hmm, hmm. But, um, I’m… so bored.”

“I’ll tell the maid to get you some games.”

“No, that’s not what I…”

I trailed off. Johannes’ reply, mixed with his habitual calm consideration, made me feel like I could roll on the floor. I wanted to hold him back, but I couldn’t think of any good excuse to do so….

“It would be nice to have a janggi set too.”

I started making unreasonable demands, feeling only desperate inside. Johannes, who was usually so sensitive but oddly oblivious when I was embarrassed, seemed to take my forced requests at face value that day too.

“I wonder if they even have such things…”

He briefly clouded his gaze as if trying to recall something, then asked me:

“If they don’t have it, should I buy one while I’m out?”

“Th-Then…”

“Yes?”

“…Dice and an embroidery frame too.”

I hesitated for a moment before listing a few more items. Johannes looked at me with a strange expression. It was as if he hadn’t expected me to say such things. He closed the door again and turned around completely. I quickly moved to Johannes’ front, drawing close as if to embrace him.

“Anything else?”

Johannes asked me. I could hardly hide my embarrassment, so I lowered my head slightly and mumbled.

“…White powder and rouge. And a tail brush.”

“And?”

“Books.”

“Books? It might be difficult to get books right away…. Anything else?”

“Any stringed instrument that can be plucked by hand.”

“Alright.”

“And a hand mirror. An ivory comb. Hair ties. A hair iron. A vase and flowers….”

“……”

Johannes, who had been silently moving his lips as if trying to memorize everything in his head, fell silent at some point.

It was because I, who didn’t want to let Johannes go, had started with small luxury items and ended up listing larger furniture like wardrobes and chests. Though my face grew redder and redder, embarrassed by the contents coming out of my own mouth, I just couldn’t stop.

I kept on rambling, listing whatever came to mind, anything and everything. I don’t remember exactly what else I listed that day. Needless to say, what remained more deeply in my memory than the meaninglessly enumerated items was Johannes’ appearance.

Around the time I even demanded to replace the bed, Johannes raised both eyebrows with a surprised expression. Then he stepped back and leaned against the door. When I showed no signs of stopping, he finally crossed his arms and looked down at me.

Only then did I close my mouth. It felt as if Johannes was scolding me. I immediately lowered my gaze. My embarrassment at knowing full well that I was being unreasonable had reached its peak.

“I didn’t realize you were so uncomfortable.”

Johannes mumbled as if to himself, then slowly straightened up and bent down towards me. I reflexively glanced up. My eyes met Johannes’ as he quietly looked at me. And then…

I saw it. Johannes’ eyes slowly curving. The smile starting from those eyes spreading to his lips. Johannes, who had gently embraced my waist, whispered as if urging me on.

“…What’s wrong? Keep going.”

“……”

“What do you want? Isolde.”

I remained motionless, my gaze fixed on his eyes. Johannes is smiling. Just then, the sunlight that had tilted at a perfect angle came flying near the entrance, shattering into pieces. The sight made my eyes ache.

It felt like a flash of light in my head, and everything in front of my eyes melted into white. For some reason, I tensed up all over, from my toes to my fingertips, causing me to curl up slightly and pull in my chin. My heart ached for some reason.

I sensed Johannes looking at me with concern from above. But I couldn’t bring myself to raise my head in front of him. Well, because right now, from the tips of my toes to the top of my head, I must be ridiculously red.

Isolde? Johannes called me. With my body tense, I just wiggled my toes a bit before barely managing to move my lips.

“……”

“Yes?”

“You…”

“…Sorry. I can’t quite hear…”

“You, I mean… You! I need you, Johannes.”

I ended up shouting out loud. And impulsively, I raised my hands to cover both my cheeks. My whole face felt so hot, it seemed like it might burst into red liquid at any moment.

Johannes seemed startled by my outburst. He briefly pulled back his upper body, but soon approached me again as if he had never moved away. I felt the arm around my waist tighten as Johannes pulled me completely into his embrace. Nestled in his arms, I panted slightly with my face thoroughly flushed.

“Really… Why… don’t you understand… Are you doing this on purpose now? To tease me? Is that it?”

“…I didn’t know.”

Johannes’ nose bridge came to rest near my shoulder. I wrapped my arms around his neck as if clinging to him. I desperately whispered into his ear.

“Don’t go anywhere today. Okay? Can’t you not go? It’s been so long since we’ve been together like this. It won’t do any harm to skip the medicine for just one day. Really.”

“That’s not reasonable.”

Johannes let out a faint sigh mixed with laughter. It seemed like nonsense had become attached to my lips over the past few days. I couldn’t give any particular retort, and just quietly rubbed my cheek against Johannes’ warmth. It was after that when Johannes, hesitating for a moment, came to kiss me.

It was an awkward and somewhat embarrassing gesture. As if tracing each syllable along the texture of the air, he raised his face and carefully pressed his lips to my forehead. As I quietly tried to close my eyes, a soft sensation immediately collided with my eyelids. And then on my eyes. On my temples. Brushing down along my sideburns to the corner of my mouth.

On my lips.

I think I opened my eyes a little at that point. I remember my excited vision rippling like a water surface at the sensation of gently biting and moistening my lips. It seemed like nothing registered in my mind except the person named Johannes and the temperature of his tongue that felt like it might melt.