#90

It was hard to describe, but something was definitely different.

I found Johannes’ pleading gaze without words so lovable that I couldn’t possibly refuse.

Additionally, to prevent me from exerting myself while ill, he gently pressed down on my pelvis with one forearm, and his lips that licked and bit while soothing my embarrassment several times were so seductive.

And occasionally, the gaze that rested its cheek on the inside of my thigh and stared at me blankly was like a current pushing me into a lukewarm deep sea. A gaze that seemed to urge me to moan more deeply. A gaze that poured out between low, breathless breaths, as if he was more excited than I was.

I couldn’t handle him. I just lay there quietly, unable to hold back and constantly letting out moans, and in the end, I fell into a deep sleep, embraced by the heat rising from his bare skin, not even knowing when I had dozed off.

Johannes didn’t release, completely alone.

I felt sorry about that. On the other hand, I was embarrassed to the point where my whole body was burning.

Suffering from illness and simultaneously suffering at a man’s hands. Is this normally possible? …No, perhaps Johannes was born with some talent and that’s why I’m like this? Ah, uh. Uh…. I secretly slapped my forehead, which had heated up, with one hand, and chastised myself for blaming others.

“Um….”

I tried to appear calm and asked Johannes.

“Did you perhaps tell Alyona?”

“Al… who?”

Johannes asked back with a slightly puzzled look.

“The maid who’s taking care of me. The girl who just left…. She seemed to think we were siblings.”

“No. That’s not possible…. Why would I?”

“R-really? I guess with our appearance being like this, we can’t hide it…. Judging from her reaction earlier, it seems we’ll need to be careful from now on.”

“…So you still don’t want it to be known?”

When I spoke as if lamenting while recalling Alyona’s back, Johannes’ neat eyelids drooped more than halfway. Only after seeing those eyelids, which subtly showed a hurt expression, did I clearly realize.

That he had been clinging to me more since last night. What made him so anxious? Fortunately, by then, as I had calmed down considerably, I cupped Johannes’ cheek, pressed our foreheads together, and quietly soothed him.

“What are you saying? I don’t dislike it. If I had my way, I’d like to put up a public notice somewhere.”

“…..”

“It’s just that I’m worried you might hear harsh words because of me, that’s why I’m like this.”

“What an odd thing to worry about….”

Johannes shook his head briefly.

“If you’re going to worry, you should worry first about your own safety being in danger.”

“Why? You’ll protect me, so there’s no need.”

When I asked with wide eyes, Johannes seemed flustered and pulled his face away. I could see his highly raised eyebrows slowly settling down. Johannes’ ears gradually reddened as he watched me. This unexpectedly new reaction made my nose bridge tingle for no reason.

“I should protect you.”

Johannes, who had finally blushed even on his cheeks, said quietly as if letting the words slip.

“Stay here as you like for now. We’re planning to leave as soon as you show signs of recovery anyway. No… but maybe it’s better to be careful for the time being. I’m not sure. Looking at your current condition, it seems we might have to wait until spring next year. It’s awkward timing with winter coming soon.”

What followed was a calm tone I hadn’t heard in quite a while. And hearing about our future plans for the first time, I gradually felt my chest pounding. I tightly hugged Johannes’ waist.

“We, we’re really leaving, aren’t we.”

“Yes.”

“Do we have a specific destination?”

“Well.”

Johannes, who seemed about to answer immediately to my question, suddenly closed his mouth. He wandered his gaze for a moment and finally couldn’t finish his words. And only after seeing Johannes’ strange reaction did I roughly guess the place he seemed to have inwardly decided on.

Probably a place where Johannes had eagerly prepared for the future in the past. A dwelling for just the two of us that had been lonely and abandoned somewhere I didn’t know during the time I had left him. My thin heart, which had silently sunk low, felt faintly cold.

“…Johannes. You know.”

I said, slowly pushing away Johannes’ chest.

“Although I listened intently to your feelings yesterday, I don’t think I fully understood even half of your anxiety. You still seem not to trust me….”

“…..”

“I’m sorry. But you know, I’m not without frustration now either. To be honest, you should have told me something straightforwardly. Don’t you think? So, we…. I’d like us to really talk openly now.”

“…..”

“I have a lot to say. And a lot more I want to hear.”

Especially, about your body.

I swallowed the last words. An awkward silence hung between us. The platinum-colored eyelashes that resembled mine half-covered Johannes’ blue eyes, which had become somewhat complicated. I took Johannes’ hand, which hadn’t moved at all, and led him to the armchair.

Where should I start?

Johannes, whose chest was pushed by me as I turned around in front of the chair, awkwardly perched on the edge of the chair. He leaned back against the backrest in an uncomfortable posture, and for a moment I saw him frowning and stiffening his mouth, but.

“Don’t. Because I’m grateful. Don’t say anything.”

I quickly cut him off before Johannes could part his lips. I was anxious that the flow of conversation might be interrupted. Johannes, who was about to say something to me, closed his mouth as if abruptly cut off.

And I gathered my knees to one side and climbed onto his thighs. After making myself comfortable by leaning my waist against the armrest, I took one of Johannes’ arms and wrapped it around me like a scarf. A firm embrace, or close contact. That was always my posture when trying to have a sincere conversation between just the two of us. Johannes didn’t seem to particularly dislike it either.

“So….”

It would be better to solve the easy problems first.

“What kind of place is it? The hideout you’ve prepared.”

After carefully counting the questions in my head, I threw out the first question. Johannes watched me silently as I buried my temple under his shoulder, then took a deep breath for a moment.

The time was just past noon. The inner room, which was dim as the sunlight that would be falling vertically didn’t fully penetrate, seemed like a space completely cut off from the bright exterior. Johannes’ low voice settled like humidity.

The hideout Johannes revealed was, surprisingly, a small fortress located on the outskirts of our father’s land. He candidly admitted that it was more like a border outpost with just one main tower and shabby walls surrounding it, rather than a proper fortress.

Long ago, in the days when even the title wasn’t attached to Valdemar’s name. He said it was a fortress in a barren land that was hastily built during the territorial wars that raged across the continent at the time, and after the boundaries of the domain were expanded to almost their current form, it was abandoned as if it had never been used.

“But they say feet with a place to return to are light even on a long journey, so it’s better than having no dwelling at all. Moreover, I think it’s quite a suitable place for people like us who need to avoid others’ eyes. The nearest village is a day’s walk away, and even that is more like a hamlet with barely three or four households living together….”

Johannes, who had been trying to persuade me, gradually trailed off. It was probably because my condition seemed unusual. As his story continued, I gradually became anxious. I tried to hold it back, but I couldn’t hide it. What should I do? My lips, which I had bitten without realizing, stung. And Johannes seemed to misunderstand my reaction.

“…Well, to be honest, it’s not exactly a good place to live.”

Johannes, who had been silently watching me for a while with a troubled look, carefully added. Then, swallowing his words for a moment and lowering his gaze, he gently grasped my knee. It was probably an action born out of anxiety, thinking I might run away, but it was actually an unnecessary worry.

I didn’t need anything as long as we could be alone together. I had no intention of judging whether it was good or bad in the first place. I just….

What if we get caught?

The situation where Father and Johannes were at odds with each other. The vivid sword fight between the two. That was the most decisive anxiety among the numerous reasons that led to my decision to part ways.

“Won’t Father find out?”

When I clutched Johannes’ front and asked, Johannes dismissed it outright, saying there was absolutely no chance of that happening. His attitude suggested it was so obvious that no further explanation was needed. Only then did I come to my senses a little, shaking my head vigorously and whispering earnestly.

“Ah… I’m sorry. I don’t care where it is as long as it’s a place you’ve prepared. I’m just so anxious right now because I’m worried about Father finding out. That’s truly my only concern…. So, um, even if it’s abandoned land, there must be some management, right? What if they see us? Won’t even a low-level official know your face? Oh, what if they report to Father….”

“No one takes care of it.”

Johannes, who finally seemed to have let out a sigh of relief, said.

“Most of the few residents are freemen, and it’s not a very appealing place to cultivate…. The development costs would probably exceed the expected revenue. Unless the enemy suddenly drops in the middle of the wasteland one day and we unexpectedly end up in a battle, it’s definitely not a place Father’s eyes would reach, so you don’t need to worry about anything else.”

“Can you really guarantee that?”

“Yes.”

“But, but. Father should care about you a bit. He’s the kind of person who would turn over every rabbit hole to find you….”

“I think this case will be different. Unless we both packed up and ran away at the same time, he probably still doesn’t know whether I walked out on my own in the middle of the night or was assassinated somewhere without anyone knowing.”

“…..”

“Given the situation, it won’t be easy to determine the direction of the search…. No, forget about searching, he might be interrogating prisoners by now… I don’t know….”

“…..”

“Um… Giovinetta?”

“…..”

“Will you look at me?”

It’s okay.

Johannes whispered soothingly, finally pulling up my chin as I had buried my head in the crook of his arm. I met his gaze but still fidgeted, then comforted myself with his calm gaze. Yes, it’s okay, it’s okay. This person is saying it’s okay right now….

I clenched my fist as if to show Johannes and took a deep breath. Then I leaned my head against Johannes’ chest again. Johannes was somehow silent for a while. The tip of his chin, which had been looking down at me all along, came down to rest on the crown of my head. After staying like that silently for a while, Johannes suddenly spoke in a tone that was clearly more careful than before.

“However… I think I’ll need to leave for about a day, and that’s what I’m most worried about.”

As soon as his words ended, I abruptly raised my upper body that had been leaning on him. I turned completely and straddled his waist.