#84

I turned around staggeringly while fixing my gaze on him, and crawled on my knees to the edge of the bed. Johannes did not move until I was completely near him. Only his pale gaze followed me.

A confused look, unsure of what to do. On the other hand, it also resembled the eyes of someone who had chewed and swallowed bitterness.

That expression was not visible to my foolish eyes, which were thoroughly frightened.

“Why, why now…”

I simply wrapped my arms tightly around his waist.

Johannes, whose stomach was pushed by my head, finally slowly straightened his back and stood upright. The body I embraced was completely stiff. At that time, I did not immediately realize the reason for that tension, no, even the fact that he was tense, and only put more strength into my arms wrapped around Johannes’ waist.

Soon I felt his gaze falling on top of my head. It was a gaze that bent forward as if breaking. I rubbed my face against his front, where the chill of the autumn night had not yet faded. My heated body shivered, but even the coolness from the outside that he brought was just welcome.

“I waited.”

I whispered breathlessly.

“I was worried. I missed you… missed you so much.”

“…Sorry.”

Johannes apologized briefly. Thankfully, thankfully. Johannes’ body showing not even a small external injury, unlike my worries. I felt the muscles that had contracted greatly during the long nightmare slowly relaxing, and along with it, even my stiffened mouth slowly loosening. I think I may have smiled a little, in relief. And only then did Johannes’ breath burst out long, as if some spell had been broken.

“What were you doing that made you so late?”

I asked with my nose buried in Johannes’ stomach. A brief silence followed. After standing silently for a while like that, Johannes seemed to lower his head towards me, as I heard his voice from very close.

“…Work took longer than expected. I had ordered a tonic the day before, they said a day would be enough, but it didn’t arrive until almost vespers.”

He seemed to have become hoarse by then. His voice flowed so low that I had to concentrate all my nerves on my eardrums. I was a little puzzled by the content of what he said rather than his attitude, and asked back softly.

“A tonic?”

“Yes.”

“What kind of amazing medicine is it that you had to place a special order…”

“It’s a rare liquid. When I reported the other day that you absolutely couldn’t get up, the priest recommended it. You would know better than me, but the wounds are… serious. Your overall physical condition right now is…”

Johannes’ words, slowly explaining to me, gradually faded. Johannes, who couldn’t finish his sentence, seemed to look down at my head clinging to his stomach for a moment.

Suddenly, Johannes’ body shook. I raised my eyes following the shadow flickering near my head. Johannes was taking off his gloves while still in the position of me hugging him. He held the removed gloves in one hand, then without even turning his waist once, just stretched out his arm long and dropped them on the table slightly behind. It was a quite unnatural posture at a glance.

Johannes seemed to be careful even with his smallest movements. Like someone who has a wild animal near them that might run away if they even make a careless breath sound. Or it also looked like someone who thought I would immediately fall away if he shook even a little.

Soon Johannes’ fingers dug into my sideburns like soft claws.

“I heard you got up from early dawn today.”

He asked while brushing my hair, which would have become disheveled from tossing and turning, behind my shoulders. Then he covered the pulsing spot on my nape with his fingertips, as if pressing.

It seemed he was trying to check my pulse or body temperature. I remember his touch trembling a little for some reason. But I forgot both to answer and to question, simply because his body temperature felt so good.

I just tilted my head back and rested my chin on the lower part of Johannes’ chest. I made direct eye contact with Johannes, who was looking down at me with his head bowed sharply. A bright blue gaze. It was probably eyes that had deliberately erased emotions, but to my eyes, they just looked clearer than ever. Feeling as if I was facing his pupils after a very long time, I was just overwhelmed with feelings of happiness and joy.

My neck would have been awkwardly bent due to the posture, right? Johannes covered my forehead instead of my neck and asked me again.

“Your fever is still high. Did you take the medicine on time?”

“Yes.”

“What about meals?”

“I ate.”

“…How’s your back?”

“It hurts.”

“…”

I settled properly in the gap of Johannes’ clothes and breathed in the long-missed warmth deeply while responding adequately. The last answer was complete whining. About to lose my mind to Johannes’ scent seeping through his clothes, I was busy just acting spoiled without even thinking to consider his feelings.

Johannes’ arm, which had been hanging down as if it had no intention of touching me, slowly rose.

“…I’m sorry.”

He whispered with difficulty after being silent for a while, as if he could barely open his mouth.

“I’m sorry.”

The arm that had barely risen wrapped around my shoulders. Soon even the hand that had been covering my forehead came down as if to stroke the back of my head and pressed my spine, and my body completely adhered to Johannes’. Johannes embraced me in return, wrapping both arms around my nape.

As a result, from my eyebrows to the tip of my nose was completely buried in Johannes’ clothes. I immediately had difficulty breathing, but even that stuffiness was welcome to me.

Alyona had not said a word until then.

She probably had been watching us with a surprised or strange expression for quite a while. However, I was too preoccupied with the feeling of the little anxiety remaining at the bottom of my heart completely melting away to notice, and Johannes did not push me away first.

The feeling of all my nerves relaxing while in my lover’s arms. It was enough to make me sigh sweetly. Savoring the moment that seemed about to disappear any second with my whole body, what I ended up letting out instead of a sigh was.

“Hold me.”

It was whining no different from before.

“I’m in so much pain right now… I feel like I’ll get better right away if you hold me and put me to sleep like last time.”

I nagged him, mentioning without much thought the night when Johannes had come through the window. I wanted to tell him how much I loved that moment of falling asleep with you, with you wrapped around me.

Yes, even his bony joints that occasionally felt cumbersome against this body were good. Compared to the times when I lay next to an old man, tossing and turning, anxiously trying to fall asleep for fear of touching him even in my sleep, even the damp bedding felt better than well-dried cotton.

At that time, I did my best to lower my voice so that Alyona could not hear, at least in my own way. Nevertheless, Johannes seemed to be at a loss for words for a moment. While he hesitated to answer, almost freezing up, I withdrew a little from him.

I felt the blood drain from my face. It was because I suddenly remembered my appearance that I had seen that morning. The lusterless skin and pale complexion were clearly that of a sick person. And what about the back covered with dozens of scars? Though I couldn’t confirm it with my own eyes, it must have been a sight that could never be called beautiful. I couldn’t help but feel uneasy.

Thanks to Johannes loosening his arms as much as I withdrew, I could easily look up at him even while embraced. I asked Johannes’ eyes, which seemed to have lost their words:

“Am I strange somewhere after all?”

“What?”

Johannes asked back with a noticeably flustered look.

“Perhaps I look quite unpleasant?”

“What are you saying… That can’t be.”

“Then?”

“I just. No, rather…”

Johannes tried to explain to me, who was just making a needlessly upset face, but eventually closed his mouth. A silence that was clearly embarrassed and confused. He slowly raised his head to look at the empty space between the ceiling, then soon lowered his chin to gaze at me.

I received his gaze with eyes that had become inexplicably sorrowful. For some reason, Johannes seemed to be suppressing his breath. His hand, which had been motionless for a while, rose again to cover my forehead.

“You are always a beautiful person.”

Johannes whispered low with a hardened face. His hand traced the line of my forehead, combing back my hair. My eyelids, which were already heavy, naturally closed following Johannes’ touch, and my head and cheeks, which were already hot enough since the evening that it wouldn’t be strange if steam rose from them, slowly heated up with a different warmth.

Johannes, who had been combing through my hair with his fingers, seemed to glance at the tips of his outstretched hand. He picked up the golden hair that had flowed down, caught between his fingers at a point not even halfway, and combed it down to the end. Ah, how long has it been.

A soft touch.

Warmth that I had missed every minute for over a year, and throughout that entire day. Such a quiet, such a trivial gesture. Finally blushing to the top of my head, I leaned the side of my face against his body without even thinking of how to respond.

Johannes’ touch was surely just an effort to suppress the anger inside him.

I didn’t know. That’s the kind of person I am. So inconsiderate of others. Especially that night, I must have truly been blind, feeling only joy at the sensation of him repeatedly combing my hair at a constant pace.

“…Get out.”

He said suddenly. I, who had been lost in my own sweet delusions, blankly searched for his gaze. Johannes’ eyes, sunken more dejectedly than ever, were fixed on me without the slightest wavering, but his words didn’t seem to be directed at me. He muttered again in a low voice.

“What are you doing?”

Perhaps because his voice was too low, Alyona seemed not to have heard the order. I glanced at the girl who showed no sign of moving. Johannes’ gaze, which had been fixed somewhere on my brow, finally followed mine towards the girl. I could see the light from the nearby lamp casting a long shadow on Alyona’s small right side.

“Ah!”

Alyona, receiving both our gazes simultaneously on her small frame, let out what might have been an exclamation or a scream. Her right cheek, which jumped, was clearly crimson.

“S-sorry! Oh my, I’ll… I’ll leave right now. Yes.”

The girl, who had been standing awkwardly with her arms raised, not knowing what to do, left her seat like a stone-struck animal. Alyona was so flustered at that time, I tell you.

She picked up the only lamp in the inner room and rushed out before we could stop her. The sound of her hurried footsteps, which had faded down the corridor, came stumbling back.

After fidgeting nervously around the entrance for a moment, unable to dare come back inside, she quietly pushed a mosquito-like apology through the door gap she had opened about a hand’s width: “I’m sorry…” Soon she stretched out one arm to place the lamp on the cabinet near the entrance.

Alyona’s hand disappeared as if sucked outside, and thump. Finally, only the two of us were left in the inner room.

Johannes, who had been standing without showing any sign of embarrassment or saying anything, following Alyona’s back with just his gaze, finally looked down at me. And only then did I notice Johannes’ condition. It was because of his eyes.

My selfish throat, which hadn’t missed a single day, was suddenly blocked.

“You…”

Johannes, who was about to say something to me, abruptly closed his mouth. And I had to look at Johannes’ back of hand instead of his eyes, which had suddenly become completely bloodshot. It was because Johannes, whose expression had completely crumbled in an instant, really in an instant, raised one hand to cover his eyes.

I, excessively bewildered, lost my mind for a moment. I couldn’t even blink once. Soon my view was filled with the sight of Johannes biting his lips under the back of his hand, which had even turned blue with veins.

As if gritting his molars, he who had been unable to continue speaking for a while, barely moved his lips.

“How did you end up in this state, and now you’re asking me to put you to sleep.”

It was a low, intense voice.