#83

The body that seemed fine for half a day lost its strength as evening approached.

A body weakened from being severely beaten as a daily routine. Nerves habituated to tension from just about a year of violence seemed to doubt the sudden safety that arrived. It’s okay now, it’s okay. Even trying to reassure myself was useless. It felt as if my body was rebelling against me.

Don’t be ridiculous, it’s too early to feel relieved. Saying that merciless beatings could come flying at any time, let’s feel the pain fully even in this moment that feels like an illusion. My limbs and flesh insisted so stubbornly.

Eventually, as dusk fell. As Alyona said, my well-conditioned body began to burn with fever again. And by the time the first star of the night peeked through the window, I had no strength left to support my body and collapsed like a sick chicken. However, even with my worn-out mind, I stubbornly refused to fall asleep.

Longing felt like the blade of an axe. As if it would kill me right away, it was a longing that flew at me, making my spine shiver. Even as I blankly counted the wood grain of the ceiling that creaked occasionally, even as I pressed hard on my feverish temples, the feeling of my back splitting open overwhelmed me. Johannes.

That day, he didn’t return even as the night grew late.

“Hey, young lady. Wouldn’t it be better for you to sleep now?”

Alyona said as she twisted a cloth soaked in cold water over a basin.

“The evening bell rang a while ago, so I think the knight will probably stay somewhere for the night…. How could he ride a horse in the pitch-dark night?”

I couldn’t answer either way. My whole body trembled like an aspen tree. The sound of water dripping so close by sounded so cold, when I was already struggling with chills. The only fortunate thing in this misfortune was that I could lie in a more comfortable position thanks to the wet compress on my back being changed and securely fastened with new bandages.

Alyona checked if the cloth had the right amount of moisture, then neatly folded it and placed it on my forehead. I shivered and let out a short groan. My eyes closed involuntarily. The new coolness on my burning head felt quite nice, despite my earlier complaints.

When was the last time we saw each other’s faces? I struggled to lift my eyelids that were trying to droop drowsily and counted the days.

Two, or three days ago.

So after Johannes had visited my room, transformed into something worse than a devil, I was sick in bed on some night when the darkness was as deep as a swamp. At that time, Johannes was sitting in a chair pulled up next to my bed. The soft light from the small lamp on the table slowly shattered on his eyelashes.

That Johannes, who cast a deep shadow behind him like a silent statue, was the last image of Johannes I remembered at that time. What was his profile like, caught like an afterimage in my hazy vision? I still remember.

What could he be thinking? Johannes, who sat with his hands clasped as if in prayer on his thighs, staring at the wall in front with half-lowered eyes, somehow seemed unfamiliar and faint. I couldn’t speak to him. My vision was blurring again, and my throat was choking up for reasons I didn’t even know.

In fact, I learned for the first time that night. That a person could give such a miserable impression even with a bare face that seemed sculpted from plaster, without showing a hint of emotion.

But at that time, I couldn’t put an exact name to the shadow Johannes cast. I just thought briefly in my sleep that Johannes seemed to be crushed alive.

“Just give up for today, okay?”

Alyona’s voice was full of drowsiness. It was a pity for that child, but I struggled with all my might to keep my consciousness.

“No. Just a little longer.”

As I shook my head slightly, the cloth on my forehead slipped down a bit. Alyona pushed the cloth that had come down to my eyelids back up and tried to persuade me a few more times to go to sleep now.

“You’re quite stubborn, aren’t you? I didn’t know you were like this when you were just lying down.”

She sighed deeply and lamented like that when I didn’t even pretend to listen, as expected from an ignorant and bold girl.

“…Sorry.”

I apologized quietly. Though I was uncompromising, I could tell the girl’s fatigue without having to hear it. The sunken area under her eyes looked just like Griselda’s complexion from some time ago.

“Still… I want to wait a bit longer.”

When I stubbornly added, Alyona groaned and buried her forehead at the head of the bed. With her small frame, it must have been hard for her to endure the fatigue accumulated throughout the day.

The more Johannes’ return was delayed, the more anxious I became. After recalling the moment when Johannes, alone in the shadows, looked as if he might disappear without a trace at any moment, not only longing but also a bit of anxiety washed over me.

He wouldn’t do that to me. I had to reassure both my mind and body at the same time. Johannes, Johannes.

My feverish vision inevitably blurred.

The bodies of three men sprawled at my feet.

At some point, I had dozed off and had the same dream again that night.

At that time, nightmares were like ominous visitors. On a night when everyone except me was sound asleep. Like a presence that visited me without fail every day, standing still outside my dark bedroom.

Thump, thump. Tap.

A silence so eerie, without even the slightest movement for a long time. A silence more frightening because it was sad and empty like a grave without even a tombstone.

While I was suffering from that eerie dream that might have been like a prophecy, the real Johannes burst open the entrance to my room, breathing heavily, long after midnight. Suddenly regaining consciousness from the sudden noise, I heard someone whispering in a lowered voice.

“…okay. …You’ll wake the young lady, sir knight….”

It was the sound of Alyona cautioning Johannes. A faint sound of wind, shushing, followed. Perhaps startled by the sudden sound of hooves in the dead of night, Alyona had checked outside the window and gone out to greet him near the entrance.

All those signs felt both near and far. In fact, I could hardly tell if it was a dream or reality. It was because I was in sleep paralysis at that time.

Even in the midst of dizziness, I tried to bite my lip impulsively, feeling like I was about to suffocate. However, I couldn’t even open my eyes, let alone bite my lip.

I couldn’t move a finger, couldn’t nod my head. As soon as I realized that my arms and legs wouldn’t move as I wanted, goosebumps rose all over my skin. In other words, this body was still asleep, only my consciousness had awakened.

I recalled the vicious dream that had visited me that night, in such an uncomfortable state. No. It would be more correct to say that the scene from the dream overwhelmed me in an instant, rather than deliberately trying to recall it. The sight before my paralyzed eyes was a hellish scene, all the more terrifying for its familiarity.

I was lying on the bed in the inn room, no longer unfamiliar, as usual. The only difference from usual was that the room was a complete red mess.

Even without anyone explaining it to me, I knew. The fact that all the red around me was crimson that had burst from human bodies. Blood was splattered everywhere to such an extent. Please, someone wake me up. Just as I was about to shout, a blurry figure caught my eye.

Ah, it was Johannes who had died by my hand. Johannes, who looked exactly like a corpse, drenched in blood from head to toe, was standing tall below my bed. With his completely slack pupils full of resentment towards me, like tears.

I struggled to escape from the pupil I had killed. However, my body, crushed by the vicious dream, didn’t move an inch. Even though I had realized early on that I was in sleep paralysis from Alyona’s voice or presence nearby, there was no way to escape that terror.

Eventually, an even more concrete fear attacked me. What if Johannes, who was late coming home that day, actually came to me in the same state as in the dream? What if he’s covered in blood and wounds because of my inadequacy? If he’s suffering like when he turned into a devil just because I was cruel.

What excuse should I make to him?

“…She just fell asleep.”

It was Alyona’s voice again. It seemed to echo from inside my skull. As if pushed by this, ripples appeared in the outline of the corpse standing below my bed. No, not just Johannes’s image, but the entire space where I was standing or lying seemed to be distorting. And a moment of silence.

“So, I think it would be better if you just go back today….”

Alyona’s voice came more clearly than before. Was it because she openly expressed concern? I didn’t hear the sound of Johannes approaching me from the open doorway. But he didn’t seem to be turning back either.

“……”

Johannes just stood there, seemingly hesitating, without saying a word. Only the sound of his unsteady breathing, which sounded like he was pouring it out with his mouth tightly closed, remained.

How his gaze fixed on my body stung. Even without trying to confirm it directly, it was already enough to burn my flesh. Either Alyona or Johannes must have gripped the doorknob tightly, as the hinges of the entrance creaked painfully.

I wanted to get up right away and check Johannes’s condition. However, my chest only felt tight, unable to get up as if something unknown was stepping on my back. Ah, please! I shouted with all my might. Someone lift me up. But my lips just wouldn’t part.

In the end, what the strength that had nowhere to go dropped instead of my lips was my tightly closed eyelids.

The scene before my eyes melted away in an instant.

“Oh my, sir knight…!”

And then, Alyona exclaimed softly. I heard the sound of footsteps striding towards me, as if unable to bear it anymore. And even the sound of thick coat tails rustling.

As if it were some absolute permission, my consciousness became clear in an instant. A light suddenly ignited in all my senses. Only then did I spring up from my place as if bouncing.

“…Giovinetta?”

Johannes stopped. How long had I been lying face down? What filled my sight, as I reflexively sat up hurriedly, was not the corpse from the nightmare or the entrance where Johannes had been standing after his late return. The wall where the head of the bed was placed. The light from the lamp had dyed the wood grain entirely in a dark ocher color.

“Ah, you’re awake, young lady?”

The sound of Alyona following Johannes with small steps came from behind me, and….

“Giovinetta.”

A hand.

Johannes’s hand, which had approached urgently, rested on my shoulder. No, it would have looked like it was resting, but it was a weight that could be better described as just touching me, as I could barely feel the contact.

It seemed that the weight that comes from caring for someone even in urgent times was like that. Not carelessly clinging, not intimidating, a lightness that considered the other person more than oneself.

However, my body, which had been suffering from blood-red visions, was startled even by that light touch. Because of that, Johannes seemed more surprised than me. His hand instantly detached from me. At the same time, I collapsed forward, leaning against the wall.

“Ha.”

I spewed out the air trapped in my lungs. Although my breathing might not have stopped completely, it felt like my airway had opened for the first time that night. I panted heavily with my forehead and both palms against the wall, then finally twisted my neck slightly outwards.

“Jo…hannes.”

Johannes came into view. Because the image of the corpse cut off by my hand hadn’t been erased from my mind until then, I rudely scanned his entire body from top to bottom, even though I knew it was impolite. His forehead was damp at a glance, as if he had ridden his horse in such a hurry that night.

Fortunately, the person I had been longing for all day was standing near the bed, looking fine. With the backlight from the lamp behind him, Johannes’s front was all dark. He also looked as if he had stopped breathing, with his eyes wide open as if shocked by my reaction.

However, the outline that formed him was as if it had been coated with molten gold….

The living Johannes was so dazzling. This Johannes seemed even more dreamlike than the one in the nightmare.

“I was scared.”

I unintentionally let out such words. Johannes seemed to swallow at my mumbling, which was almost like sleep talking.