#79

“Why… why is this…”

“……”

“Are you alright?”

“……”

“Doesn’t it hurt? Hm? Johannes.”

“Nette.”

Johannes grasped my hand that was stroking his hair and lowered it, burying his face in my palm as if kissing it. All the while, he repeated my name several times. When his wet lips pressed against my wrist, I felt a pulse, not knowing whose it was. Thump, thump.

At some point, Johannes pulled my arm up to his shoulder, pressing his lips against it, and his shoulders began to heave greatly. His breathing grew louder. It didn’t seem to be a sign of sexual arousal.

It was probably just the sound of a bit of reason returning. Johannes’ demeanor, which had been hazy, changed instantly as if a light had been switched on. His brow furrowed tightly as he closed his eyes suddenly, as if in pain.

“…Why are you awake at this hour.”

Johannes muttered coldly, not even looking at me, instantly changing the atmosphere. Taken aback by his sudden change in attitude, I stumbled over my words.

“W-well, because you…”

“Your body is still so hot, why did you remove the towel.”

“Towel? What tow-”

Before I could finish my response, Johannes climbed onto the bed without any sign of waiting. Clatter, clatter. The sound of bones colliding echoed from everywhere. Johannes, who had come close to me, took a deep breath, bending his neck so much that the vertebrae between his neck and back protruded. At that moment, I didn’t know what to do. Fumbling, I reached out and embraced Johannes’ head, and a familiar scent emanated from him.

The smell of iron.

It was the smell of blood that even the harsh rain couldn’t wash away. My heart seemed to sink. I felt an unbearable chill rising from deep within my lungs. Hurriedly covering Johannes’ body with my chest, he slowly caressed my waist with one hand as if checking my temperature. I diligently stroked his back and whispered against the nape of his neck.

“Where… where did you go?”

“Why isn’t it getting better? It’s too hot…”

But Johannes muttered distractedly as if he couldn’t hear my voice.

“I certainly gave the fever reducer in the correct dose.”

“What did you do, Johannes?”

“I knew it wouldn’t be a fever that would go down easily, but…”

“Hm? Johannes. Answer me.”

Speaking in his usual voice, yet like a completely unfamiliar person. As if he was alone in a different place, Johannes suddenly said to me.

“…I wanted to protect both of us.”

“What?”

“Will you understand? I, somehow…. Nette…. I’ve only just realized it was all my selfishness. It was impossible from the start. I wanted something I shouldn’t have wanted. I should never have even tried.”

“Johannes, I don’t understand what you’re saying right now.”

“Pathetic bastard…”

Startled by his self-reproach, I pulled away and lifted his face. I intended to face him, but Johannes’ focus was unclear. Eyes hidden behind eyelashes. It seemed like a clouded mental state, or perhaps intentional avoidance. I asked him again.

“What? What did you realize?”

“……”

“Johannes, I don’t understand. Tell me.”

“If I had my way…”

“Yes, yes.”

“I’d want to rip out their tongues so they couldn’t even scream, then make them crawl at your feet. Ah, ah… all of them.”

“……”

“…Bastards.”

It was a vicious voice, as if he had chewed on a blade. Only then could I make a vague guess about his actions that night. You went to Indridason’s castle, didn’t you.

I couldn’t bring myself to confirm it with him. I felt like I would get an affirmative answer if I did. Before I could even ask myself if this wasn’t what I had wanted, instinctive chills ran through me. And then suddenly.

Johannes raised his head.

It was a sudden and fierce movement, as if greatly surprised by something. The long bones along his back rolled and collided, making an eerie sound. Johannes stared at me with surprised eyes as I leaned back, unable to adjust my posture in time due to his sudden action. It was as if he had just discovered my presence in front of him.

“Nette…”

“Uh…”

Johannes, who was about to call me, suddenly closed his mouth. But I could tell that his demeanor had changed once again. His eyes, wide open in apparent surprise and even forming gentle curves, reminded me of Johannes from his childhood.

Not a single shadow was cast in the eyes looking at me. If I may say so, it was like the gaze we shared when we were secretly in love. An emotional, clear gaze, reminiscent of a pure season.

I couldn’t easily follow his sudden change. Words wouldn’t come out properly. I just swallowed, unable to move. After staring at me blankly for a while, Johannes dropped his voice with a thud.

“…You.”

“…Y-yes.”

“Your mind…”

His tone was as if he couldn’t believe it.

“Yes, I’m feeling a bit better now… Huh?”

Johannes pounced on me without giving me a chance to answer fully. I clung to him, hugging him back just before falling backwards. Afraid he might be in pain, I wrapped my arms around his neck, careful not to touch the bones on his back. As if he had memorized the locations of my wounds, Johannes precisely held the lower part of my waist where there were no significant injuries. Even in this rushed moment, his gentleness was a bit tearjerking.

“It’s been a while.”

Johannes muttered rather calmly as he buried himself in my embrace, toppling me with my arms still around his neck. Although I was a bit dazed by this strange mismatch, I answered as slowly as I could.

“…Yes. Yes. It’s been a while, Johannes.”

“I was worried.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I thought I was going crazy…”

“I’m sorry.”

“…I missed you.”

Johannes was trembling. The neck I embraced was hot like a child’s. The inside of my throat was also hot.

“I really…”

“……”

“Missed you too, Johannes.”

My voice choked up.

I heard Johannes swallowing hard next to my ear. His body, which had been embracing me, gradually stiffened, and then the protruding bones suddenly collapsed downward. It seemed like he was biting his lip on my shoulder.

The tears that couldn’t be held back until the end finally burst out silently. That night, for the first time, I heard Johannes’ tears, or rather, the sound of him desperately swallowing his sobs. My heart was too full to say anything more. I just held him in my arms. Poor, pitiful.

My person.

…It was a strange night.

The storm raged fiercely and the world was all cold and sunken, but we two were like each other’s body heat. When Johannes showed signs of calming down after some time had passed, I sat him up.

I lifted Johannes’ face, which couldn’t even raise his head, and wiped his wet eyes for a long time. Seeing his desperate gaze towards me was pitiful, so I pressed my lips to his, and he clung to my body. Johannes, who had transformed into a state difficult to name, didn’t return to his original self for the rest of that night. His mind also didn’t seem entirely sound.

I felt the back of Johannes, who was clinging to me like a naive beast, and removed his upper garment, which was no better than rags. It wasn’t easy as it occasionally caught on Johannes’ bones and even stuck to his wet skin, but it wasn’t entirely difficult either.

Johannes, lift your arms.

Johannes, tilt your head back.

Perhaps it was because Johannes, who looked at me with blank eyes and obediently surrendered his body as I untied my own front strings and put my hands inside my sides to remove my top, was so lovable. His gaze following each of my small movements. The changing skin. Even the bones touching this hand were so beautiful.

Nette.

Johannes, with his upper body fully exposed, burrowed into my embrace again. I didn’t have the energy to find a dry towel while holding him. I used the blanket we were under to wipe his wet hair and body.

You’ll catch a cold if you sleep like this.

…Nette.

By then, I was too exhausted to wipe each protruding bone one by one, regrettably.

Johannes laid me down on my side so that my back wouldn’t touch the floor. Then he climbed onto the bed and lay down behind me. The broken bones from various parts of his body casually touched mine.

I’ll make sure you don’t know anything.

Johannes’ breath tickled the nape of my neck as he murmured. At that moment, there was something rising from the bottom of my heart, but I refrained from speaking. I had nothing to say to him who wouldn’t hear me right away anyway, no matter what I responded.

Johannes didn’t seem to realize, but as I lay down on that spot without changing the wet bedding, I felt my fever rising again little by little. However, not wanting to be separated from Johannes, I quietly sought sleep, following his touch.

Looking back now, I think Johannes started to let go of himself little by little from that moment on. Like someone staring blankly at a burning ruin. He gradually, but thoroughly, lost himself at the boundary between human and devil.

Although his eyes, canine teeth, and nails returned to human form, Johannes’ nape, which was turning bronze as if climbing up his spine. That ominous skin that touched my hand as I caressed Johannes was a harbinger of collapse, if it was a harbinger at all. It’s all your and my fault.

Yes, we drove him to the brink.

And that night….

I dreamed of slitting Johannes’ throat. It was an evil and vicious dream where Johannes’ blood and flesh splattered everywhere. There wasn’t even a moment’s hesitation in that dream. Moreover, it dominated my mind, my consciousness thoroughly during the three days I was hovering between life and death. It was horrible.

It was a horrible nightmare.

***

“Oh my. Miss, Miss!”

Someone shook my shoulder. The voice calling me was that of a girl who seemed barely fourteen years old.

I hadn’t heard her name, but she wasn’t a complete stranger. I knew that she was the owner of the hands that occasionally raised me up to change my clothes or wipe my body when my consciousness was swaying between life and death.

I later learned that she was the daughter of the inn owner. A young and lively girl. Her freshness, which seemed like it would smell of crushed grass if I pinched her cheek and pretended not to know, was unfamiliar to me.

“Oh my, what would have happened if I hadn’t looked in on you? You’ll die if you sleep like that, Miss.”

The girl chattered as she grabbed the back of my head, which was struggling to breathe, and turned it.