#76

It was when the moonlight, lowered so much it seemed to touch the ground, was piercing through the leaves that I secretly slipped out of Johan’s embrace as he slept leaning against a tree and moved far away from him.

My eyes had fully adjusted to the darkness. It seemed I had successfully evaded pursuit. At some point I found myself caressing the slumped Johan, then gently pushed his body away. I took off Johan’s coat that was draped over my shoulders. And with it I covered Johan’s body as he leaned against the tree with his head drooping, without even a short groan.

I took steps while focusing all my attention on muffling my footsteps. I wanted to get as far away as possible without Johan noticing. My feet caught on tree roots several times, but still I managed to walk quite well.

After going quite a distance, I looked back and could only see pitch black grown trees and vines, with no sign of Johan. Feeling relieved, I slowly reached behind my back.

When I lifted the hem of my clothes near my waist, a groan involuntarily escaped. I quickly stifled my voice in case Johan might hear. So it was that the wound from the belt that had festered while pressed under Johan, with my whole back scraped against the bare ground, had stuck to my nightgown.

I could vividly imagine how much he would blame himself if he saw this state, without even having to see it. He wouldn’t have known at all about the wound inflicted by the old man’s beating while he was unconscious.

Regardless of how the new wound turned out, Johan had already discovered the scar near my nape, and it wasn’t hard to predict that after leaving the forest, Johan would try to change my clothes himself and check my back with his own eyes.

I didn’t want him to see it, at least until this wound healed. I tried my best to peel off the nightgown somehow, but the wound must have already hardened as a pain like my skin was tearing rose up, bringing tears to my eyes and making it difficult to use my hands. But leaving it stuck like this worried me about changing later, so I quietly took a deep breath. And then.

“Shall we have a talk now.”

The hair on my head stood on end. I was startled and stared in the direction of the sound. Henrik, who was like a low-growing shrub near a tree trunk so thick it would take both arms to embrace, was watching me intently without even holding a torch.

He strode towards me. I turned my head almost in a panic towards where Johan would be. I had to let him know somehow.

“Jo… mmph!”

“Ah, don’t try to run away.”

But Henrik, who had instantly approached as if he were some kind of protection, firmly grabbed my arm as I tried to flee.

“If you’re thinking of resolving this through conversation.”

He said as he carelessly pressed and covered my mouth with his embrace. The scream I couldn’t let out pooled in the back of my throat. I tried my best to break free from him but it was futile.

As always, I was too powerless before Henrik’s physique. Henrik whispered softly as he firmly restrained me with both arms as I shuddered and kicked my feet in the air.

“Stop struggling.”

“…mmph!”

“Oh my.”

“Mmph!”

“I said stop.”

“…mph!”

“You know, I waited for a long time. I just couldn’t bring myself to step in.”

He waited? The pit of my stomach suddenly went cold.

“With the two of you tangled up like that, it was too embarrassing, really…”

I couldn’t breathe through my blocked mouth. Making strange noises, I inhaled air through my nose and could no longer move. What on earth was this man talking about? Even my heart, which had been pounding wildly in my chest, seemed to stop dead.

“Do you know by any chance?”

Regardless of my sudden change, Henrik started muttering softly in my ear in his usual nonchalant tone, as if he thought he could finally communicate properly now.

“You know, at first I was secretly jealous, thinking you had left behind a tender lover in your hometown. But seeing you trying to get beaten to death in a foreign land rather than return home, I became confused. I just couldn’t understand what the situation was. I mean, why on earth was this woman acting like this?”

“……”

“And only today did I get the answer. Ah, I was really surprised. Even after seeing with my own two eyes the face of the bastard who carried you off and jumped down from the tower, I couldn’t believe it throughout the pursuit… Good heavens. He was even pinning you down.”

“……”

“Oh my, you really didn’t know?”

Henrik asked me, feigning surprise.

“Ah, I see. This is awkward. You know, I watched that man panting above you the whole time. Until I could confirm my guess. That man I had glimpsed in father’s bedroom, it was indeed Gustavus’ Johannes Valdemar.”

“……”

“Your elder brother.”

Henrik seemed to grin. He was silent for a moment, as if waiting for an answer I couldn’t give. Soon Henrik’s hand slowly lifted from my lips, which had frozen stiff down to every crease of skin.

As if worried I might scream, his hand hovered in the air for a moment, barely a finger’s width away, before quickly moving down to firmly wrap around my arm down to my lower abdomen. I could only pant heavily through my newly freed breath, unable to even think of shaking off that arm.

My vision was blurry. Rather than being dazed, I was more like someone who had sharpened all their nerves and focused them entirely on their eardrums.

“Thank you,” Henrik said against my sensitive ear.

“I didn’t expect you to explain so personally, with your whole body, the parts that didn’t quite add up and that I had been wondering about deep down. It was a bit disgusting, but the sight of your body itself wasn’t bad. Your breasts were pretty. I almost shamelessly masturbated.”

Fire rose in my eyes. It felt like every joint in my body clenching my molars would crumble. The arms binding me were stronger and rougher than even those brutal ropes, yet Henrik quietly laughed in a calm voice as if he were sitting comfortably in his own bedroom.

“I wish you’d let my ears hear it too… The sound of you moaning shyly.”

“…Shut up.”

“Just when did it start happening to you?”

“……”

“Seeing how you don’t know a thing about the ways of the world, it seems you’ve been locked up since quite young. Surely you haven’t been serving your brother’s nights all this time?”

“……”

“It must have been nice for Johannes. Actually, I’m a bit curious. How light and pleasant must the footsteps be, secretly seeking out my kin’s bedroom in the dead of night, excited? Did you perhaps feel thrilled too? From your reaction earlier, it seemed you enjoyed it together… Did Johannes perhaps comfort you? Saying it’s alright.”

As I listened, my insides crumbled, but Henrik’s words continued.

“Hmm, so you mixed bodies and gave your heart without knowing anything, then realized it was a filthy relationship as you grew up? So you finally left for here, struggling desperately, but Johannes couldn’t let you go, so he came to catch you in the end. Is that right?”

“…It’s not, like that…”

“Ah, what an extraordinary pair of siblings. The brother pretends to be an honorable knight, receiving warm welcomes at every competition he attends, while secretly pinning down his own sister through the back door, the depraved bastard. And that sister is a whore who enjoyed it with him. Looking so innocent like a woman living alone in the world, I thought you’d only play roughly with your lips at most… How lewd… Ah, yes. While we’re at it…”

“……”

“If I press you harshly, will you cling to me begging forgiveness too? Saying you’re sorry for running away, please forgive you. Yes, hmm, it would be even better if you cried. A hole-sister isn’t to my taste, but well…”

“……”

“Just like you did with Johannes earlier would be perfect.”

My head sank down. At some point, the firm sensation of Henrik touching my waist became horrifying. I felt his gaze moving from the crown of my head to the tip of my chin with my skin. His gaze, quietly scanning me, was so bland it almost made me lose my appetite.

Henrik, clearly aroused below, was just holding me without a single sign of agitation, as if merely exploring my unspoken thoughts. Was it sadness? Suddenly my throat choked up.

I’m not sure how short or long a time passed in silence. That stillness seemed to tear my eardrums to shreds. It was a moment when I felt resentful and disgusted even towards the insects chirping indifferently, stinging with their shrill cries as if to say they didn’t care about the humiliation pouring onto the back of your neck in this forest that doesn’t welcome human intrusion anyway.

What do you know.

Anger welled up in my throat. After peeling away that one layer of misfortune of the year spent with the old man, what greeted me was the humiliation pouring like daggers from Henrik’s lips.

You don’t know even a bit of Johan’s sorrow as he tries to sever his own neck. You don’t even try to know. You only care about your own time, right? Ah, is it just you alone? Who could we explain to? Who indeed would lend an ear to the tears of depraved ones?

I was sick of it. The restraints, all kinds of restraints weighing down on me and Johan, the misunderstandings, I was sick of it all.

How can it be like this? Shouldn’t a proper human life have both bitter and sweet tastes? Only then can you barely endure day after day, thinking “Well, it’s tiresome and petty, but it’s my life,” right? The anger that had been floating like powder clumped together like iron.

I no longer wanted to try to seek permission or make excuses. I was fed up with everything. A relationship that must be hidden to live. The old man who died by Johan’s hand. And like the remains that had been buried deep and poured out at my feet with the landslide, the old memories I didn’t want to believe.

Even the rubble of the crumbled tower at my feet began to fan the embers piled layer upon layer within me. As I tried to turn the tip of the blade knotted inside outward, wondering how it could be so cruel only to me, the sky-blue eyes staring at me as if to reproach me appeared before my eyes. Winfrid’s eyes.

Come to think of it, he called me the scum of humanity, didn’t he?

So it was only on that day that I recalled Winfrid’s gaze fixed on me, and could fully understand the meaning of the pathetic look in his eyes. That look of contempt as he stared at his sister, who should have been in her prime at twelve, locked up in the tower like a foolish idiot with her wits gone.

Please don’t look at me like that, don’t I have the right to complain that I’ve tried to live? I retorted to that gaze.

Yes, perhaps I was powerless, crushed under the pain that I might have brought upon myself, and remained just as powerless even after everything that had confined me crumbled.

So perhaps I’m just a worthless and lewd whore, unable to make any excuses while bound by Henrik, only chewing and gnawing on my anger inside my mouth. And perhaps I who will never let go of Johan in the end am a selfish human who only cares about myself. Maybe I’m a filthy and foolish woman.

But, ah, Winfrid, Winfrid.

Who are you to judge the intensity of my pain?

6 years. 8 years. And another year. If I’ve endured that much, what more do you want me to endure? Yes, it was my pain, not anyone else’s. And you call me scum? Selfish?

Shut up. It’s not even funny anymore. It’s my life, not someone else’s, so I’ve lived it as bitterly as I wanted, and now I want to taste some sweetness for once – is that such a great greed? Ah, if wishing for just this much compensation is greed, Winfrid.

I’d rather live as a greasy pig.

“…No.”

In the end, my voice climbed up my tongue on its own.

“Hm?”

Henrik asked me back. It sounded less like a response to my answer and more like surprise at the fact that I had responded at all. I raised my head that I had bent forward and countered once more.

“Why should I?”