#65

The beginning of autumn, filled with evil. A mysterious letter arrived by messenger.

The one who received it from an unidentified outsider, without even the sender written on it, was the kitchen maid. She reported to me that a man with his hood pulled low repeatedly emphasized that the contents were urgent and must be delivered immediately to the lady of the house, before quickly disappearing.

The maid bowed her head respectfully. In the empty hall, sitting alone at the massive stone dining table, I abruptly put down my soup spoon upon hearing this news.

The maid questioned with startled rabbit eyes as I suddenly burst out in anger. While it was certainly Indridason’s way to bring letters arriving at the castle to the bedroom, I was irritated by her unnecessarily creating extra work.

I couldn’t finish my sentence. I closed my eyes tightly and shook my head. It was difficult to give a long scolding in the southern language. In the end, as always, I tried to call the dining maid standing behind me, but suddenly my fingertips froze in mid-air.

I thought of Johannes.

Besides Johannes, there was no one else who would send me even a small piece of news. My heart swelled instantly. And at the same time, extreme anxiety overwhelmed me.

I must check it before my husband returns.

That was the only thought in my half-dead mind, with no time for joy. It felt as if thin blades were slicing through my entire body.

At that time, the old man’s whims and suspicions had reached their peak, so despite all my efforts with the southern language, I was practically a mute woman. Not content with tormenting my body, the old man seemed determined to isolate me from the outside world, wanting to keep even my gestures, footsteps, and glances under his surveillance.

The old man’s suspicions erupted unpredictably, making it difficult to even exchange a few words with close maids. If only the sender had been properly identified, it would have eased my anxiety somewhat.

I was afraid of what the contents of that ‘secret’ letter might be.

The one fortunate thing was that the letter arrived while the old man was away from the castle. In the midst of autumn, the old man had been gone hunting for several days. It was indeed a suitable season for falconry.

Though it seemed unlikely he would exert himself directly, it wasn’t hard to imagine the old man sitting deeply in a fur-lined chair under a tent, watching the hunt with a satisfied expression.

That disgusting smile spreading like a dark mole on his wrinkled mouth.

I hurried to the bedroom to check the letter. Fearing that something might slip out, I even sent away the maid who tried to follow me.

I shouldn’t have done that. The illness that had set in a week ago hadn’t subsided, making my limbs so heavy. The entire walk felt like carrying a huge burden that was my body. When the towering stairs blocked my path, I had to pause briefly to catch my breath, wishing I could crawl on all fours if no one was watching.

My knees trembled the whole time climbing the high stairs. In the end, I collapsed against the wall before even reaching the landing.

Inside the castle, where even wandering knights and traveling poets rarely passed through knowing the lord’s absence. Nevertheless, when a few unfamiliar travelers coming down the stairs discovered me and approached with outstretched hands, a servant passing by just then intercepted them.

The sound of whispering in my ear as they gauged my reaction lingered. The guests retreated with embarrassed expressions and soon left. Even the servant who had awkwardly bowed turned away, leaving me alone in the middle of the staircase.

A merciless silence enveloped the surroundings. I then saw the reddened high tide already spilling in like blood through the landing window. The ashen castle walls blended with the soft sunset hues. It filled half of my corneas, which seemed about to collapse at any moment, and then distorted.

My vision wavered. The pain rising from my waist seemed to draw up the burning tears pooled in my innards.

Escaping that tower only to end up in this one.

“Entrust…”

I muttered, sensing a familiar presence stopping behind me. The footsteps alone were enough to identify who it was. The gait, clearly weighty yet dim and colorless like a crouching dog, was quite rare indeed.

“You… what makes you think you can rely on me.”

“……”

“You, who hate so much… without the courage to stab in the back… a coward clinging to your father’s side like a sycophant all this time… how do you expect to take responsibility for the aftermath? I don’t understand…”

“Courage without reason cannot be called courage.”

Henrik replied softly.

“That’s usually called recklessness.”

“Isn’t recklessness the proof of manhood, the… prerogative of males? Not living up to your size… stop trying to borrow my hand. Didn’t you call me a woman with only a mouth before? Now… I’m not sure which of us is the one with only a mouth.”

The sound of footsteps climbing the stairs briskly came from behind. Soon, a thick arm suddenly dug under my armpit, which felt about to crumble away. It was an act that would cause trouble immediately if discovered by the old man, but there was no one around, and I had no strength to resist. A body already struggling just to breathe.

A mind made of ashes barely held together.

Henrik wrapped my arm around his neck to support me. As a result, my body was lifted up, so if someone had seen from behind, I would have looked like a cicada on an old tree. With each leisurely step he took up the stairs, my toes dangled in the air.

Eventually, Henrik lifted me up, almost embracing me. His touch pressing my waist against his side made me want to vomit, but in my urgency, I only bit my lip. If only it weren’t for the letter.

“It’s about time to make a decision.”

Henrik said impassively. I shuddered slightly in his arms.

“I told you… I can’t. How many times do I have to refuse?”

“You, I don’t know what you’re relying on to act so stubbornly. If you really dislike me that much, why don’t you go back to your hometown?”

Henrik, who had quickly reached the top of the stairs, looked down at me with emotionless eyes like a puppet. I, lacking the strength to meet his gaze, dropped my head.

My upper body suddenly rose. Henrik readjusted his grip on my wrist that had slipped near his collarbone and my waist, embracing me once more before starting to walk steadily down the long corridor. Despite climbing so many stairs, he didn’t seem to be exerting much effort. Yes, hardly any effort at all.

I recalled the moment when Johannes had once lifted me up effortlessly.

You must now know how overjoyed I was at the sensation of that firm neck against my cheek. As if trying to give me all of his last warmth, he spoke in a low voice only I could hear.

“Even if our path is like hell, I’ll make sure… you know nothing of it.”

“You’ll really die at this rate.”

Henrik’s voice overlapped with that voice I would no longer hear, having pushed him away and left.

“Who drove things to this point… how dare you… pretend to worry about me…”

Despite being practically carried and dragged along, I was too out of breath to speak properly. Anger towards Henrik rose to the top of my head. It felt like a thousand fires would burst from my stomach.

“Please stop tormenting me now… You’ll end up living like this for a very long time anyway… From what I can see… that father of yours doesn’t seem like he’ll die even if killed… So you’re just like me. You’re just one of the cripples with severed limbs. Ah, who are you to kill… Is it as easy as you say? You should die instead. Ah, hurry up and die already…”

The curses that had piled up like rotten compost burst out like an uncontrollable cough at the end of my refusal. Henrik gave a short “Hmm” and just let out a quiet laugh without any particular response.

Henrik.

That cowardly and petty coward never approached me first after paving someone else’s path to hell. It’s understandable. Having already fallen out of his father’s favor once, he must have been busy just trying to save his own life. Even so, Henrik didn’t forget to secretly approach me from time to time to check my state of mind.

Therefore, to me, he wasn’t even a snake then. He was just a leech clinging to someone’s leg in a rotten swamp.

Just like me.

My body and circumstances, barely able to move while relying on such a worthless and insignificant person, felt like a filthy prison in itself.

“Take that back.”

Henrik said as he opened the door to the bedroom with one hand. Before I could answer, the pressure on my waist increased, making it a bit hard to breathe. And then, I caught sight of the neatly folded letter placed on the bedside table.

A feeling of anxiety or perhaps joy began to well up inside me, but Henrik was in the way. He lifted me up and set me on the edge of the bed, repeating the same words.

“I said take it back.”

Only then did I turn my head towards him. It was an unexpected request to hear with my mind momentarily blank after seeing the letter, so it took a while to grasp the meaning. But as my mind became unnecessarily busy, I gave up. My eyes closed involuntarily. My body, no longer feeling like my own, toppled to the side.

“Which words?”

One eye and cheek were buried deep in the blanket. Forcing my heavy eyelids open with effort, I saw Henrik standing at a distance with his arms crossed. Receiving the now fully blood-red sunset head-on, his entire body was a dark red shadow.

Looking just like a silently burning tree, he answered blankly.

“Cripple.”

“Cripple?”

“Yes.”

What nonsense is this now? After only wheezing for breath, suddenly recalling what I had said on the stairs, I let out a deflating sound.

“Of all things, that part bothered you?”

“Yes.”

Henrik tilted his forehead and smiled slightly. This caused his bangs to fall, half-covering his inscrutable green eyes. It was a poisonous green. A subtle dark green light, as if quietly anticipating how I would react. This…

Crazy bastard…

After pushing someone into the mud, and even in front of that person, those eyes? Those are not eyes that see a person as a person.