#36

To my question of whether it was you, Griselda said nothing. That silence, like the remains of betrayal, I could barely accept, wrapped in unbearable fear only as the sunset approached. No, only then did I begin to convince myself.

That Winfrid was right.

Yes, as he said, there should be a limit to selfishness. If only I leave, if only I disappear, this fortress returns to normal as if nothing happened. Johannes can also go his own way. So, Johannes, so….

My hands clenched. Plop. Drip. I saw the dirty water that fell, rolling down my cheek, staining the back of my trembling hand. Unable to open my mouth, I gritted my molars, and vomited the ruins inside through my eyes with a retch. My body, uncontrollable, bent forward.

Yes, we are ultimately candles without wicks. Flowers with rotten roots. I am fire. It can never be love. No, it must not be love….

That day.

The day I received the thunderbolt ultimatum from Winfrid. I knew nothing. There was nothing I could do. My ankles, which you had tied, felt like a million pounds because of you, and my bound hands trembled. Your curse was my very tower.

“The one who is to be your son… was he to your liking?”

Griselda asked cautiously. It was the first casual conversation she had started since leaving the chapel.

I was about to climb onto the bed when I turned to look at her for a moment. In the dim light, I could see her thin back arranging my clothes. The nape of her neck, stiff from prolonged tension and sunken weakly downward.

“Just…. I was surprised at how young he was. They say he’s just over thirty.”

I sat on the bed, pushing aside the blanket, and replied while gathering my hair forward. The thick strands of clear platinum, just like Johannes’, caught in my hand and felt dry.

That night, I was summoned by my father and went down to the hall. The moment I crossed the threshold with a body frozen stiff from nervousness.

I remember the sting of hundreds of knights’ rough eyes, flickering like torches led by the Grand Duke, all pouring down on me from the center of the dark hall.

Of course, Johannes was there too.

Our eyes met instantly with him standing to the right of my father, but I immediately withdrew my gaze. After that, I never looked at him again. Therefore, I don’t know what Johannes’ expression was like then.

As I approached my father on the platform, Johannes, who was getting closer in the dim periphery of my vision, became a blur. I, desperately, kept my eyes down.

“A date has been set.”

My father’s emotionless voice cut down on my crown.

“Yes.”

I responded as quietly as possible, suppressing the churning in my stomach. Not today. As my stiff body loosened somewhat, I felt like I might burst into tears. And then.

“So you are to be my mother.”

A strange man approached and spoke to me. I barely swallowed my tears and straightened my upper body.

That man, though smiling politely, had eyes like a snake. It felt as if the bloodiness of a portrait I had seen somewhere was strongly resonating. I exchanged a few more words of courtesy with him before turning away. I don’t remember what we talked about.

And there was a gaze that I could feel on my skin without even trying to confirm it. Completely blocking Johannes’ gaze fixed on me and never leaving, I left the hall just like that. I hoped that my back view wouldn’t look too heavy or too light to him. Please.

Please.

That’s what I thought as I left the chaotic hall behind.

“He had an heir late in life.”

Griselda said as she walked to the bed. I lay down on my side, resting my head on the pillow. I mumbled quietly against Griselda’s stomach as she pulled the blanket up over my shoulder.

“It’s not that he had one late, but that he’s just the eldest among the sons left after killing off all the others….”

The hand touching my shoulder stopped in place. I closed my eyes.

“What kind of father sits on the throne until nearly seventy without letting go? I heard I had four stepmothers before me. No matter how unlucky, couldn’t he have had a son earlier?”

“…..”

“Are you worried now?”

I asked, slightly mocking the silence that didn’t know what to do with itself.

“…Young lady.”

Griselda, who called me as if it were some kind of answer, couldn’t bring up any other topic. When I opened my eyes after she had been silent for too long, I saw Griselda looking at me with her pale lips tightly bitten.

I had a sense of déjà vu. That I seemed to be seeing such expressions often lately. Guilt, apologetic and pitiful eyes. Was I such a pitiful person? I didn’t know. There wasn’t much I could hope for from her. I had neither the energy nor the thought to resent her. This must have been your best for the family.

I lay on my back. I broke the strangling silence first.

“I will never… go mad like mother.”

I mumbled as if talking to myself.

“…What was she so desperate for? That woman who only knew how to live by the law. If only she had let everything go… if she had lived serving like she was dead, it would have been easier….”

Just then, I faintly heard the sound of the blanket being crumpled. When I checked the direction of the sound, I saw the back of Griselda’s hand gripping the blanket. She had applied so much force that her dry knuckles were protruding.

I raised my head to look at Griselda. Her complexion was not good at all.

She was the illegitimate daughter of a vassal knight who had served my mother since childhood, and had even assisted with the births of us twins and Winfrid at the midwife’s side. One of the few family members who had seen the miserable life of the duchess up close.

But I didn’t want to consider Griselda’s feelings. I burrowed back into the blanket and said,

“Mother was holding onto too many things. I guess she couldn’t let go because it was too precious. Trying to have everything… she went mad just like that. People should know how to give up, right? Isn’t that how it is for all married women? If you’re lucky, it’s peaceful…. If not…. Right. There’s no other way anyway….”

Griselda said nothing. Though it might have been uncomfortable for her to listen, unable to cut me off, I continued muttering without concern.

“I’m going to try to keep my sanity somehow. I won’t die by my husband’s hand either…. I plan to lie as flat as possible. And I’ll go out, hold banquets, try to enjoy myself somehow.”

I felt the presence of someone suppressing their breath nearby. After hesitating for a moment, Griselda spoke softly.

“…If you conduct yourself well, young lady, I’m sure things will be better than they are now.”

What an absurd thing to say. Is that for you to say? I swallowed the unnecessary rebuke down my throat. As I lay silently with my eyes open, I heard Griselda, who had retreated from my side, going around the bedroom and blowing out the lights one by one. It was strange.

Though this heart seems completely rotten and filled with something entirely different.

Though I don’t seem to be myself, how strange that the daily life surrounding such a me remains the same. At that moment, even the faintest light was desperately needed.

“Actually.”

I turned to lie on my back and opened my parched mouth again.

“…I’m most curious about the jousting tournament. Doesn’t the final winner put a flower on the tip of his lance and present it to a noble lady? It’s just like a living song. Dedicating the glory of the roughest weapon to the most tender romance. It’s poetic too. Did you know?”

By then, Griselda had returned to my bedside after putting out all the lights except for one candle on the table. I could see the ceiling that had suddenly darkened. Suddenly, an image of Johannes wearing tournament armor and a splendid cape appeared on that cold stone wall.

The engraving on the armor that was well-polished and displayed in the bedroom was so splendid. I had never seen Johannes wearing it until then.

“I wonder who Johannes gave it to….”

I muttered without realizing.

“Was she also a beautiful and precious woman that I couldn’t take my eyes off of? That woman, I wonder if she was blonde….”

“Young lady….”

Griselda’s voice was small, as if coming from far away.

“…Now I’ll be receiving one from someone too.”

Johannes smiling at another woman.

“It’s a lie. Pretend you didn’t hear it.”

I shook my head as if to erase it. I forcibly relaxed my stiff body and closed my eyes.

“Anyway, isn’t it fortunate? I only have to endure for 10 years. Yes, it’ll be 10 years at most. The old man could die at any time. And who knows? If I get on the good side of their son, he might hand over a small castle somewhere with a nice view and peace and quiet.”

“…..”

“I’ll choose a small place. Preferably one with a pond nearby. I want to live the rest of my life alone and comfortably in a small domain where people don’t crowd around.”

“…..”

“Anyway, that’s how I’m going to live…. I’m going to live well.”

So as not to be a stumbling block for Johannes. So as not to be unhappily trampled in his eyes unnecessarily. So that Johannes can live for a long, long time forgetting about me, with me erased.

I didn’t bother to voice the words that were cutting into my insides. Every word that escaped my lips was a resolution. I chewed on it over and over again, making it more sincere than sincerity itself. Griselda’s shadow, darker than the dark room.

That shadow, which had been slightly hovering over me, slowly returned to its place.

“Of course. You’ll be fine. You’ll live well…. If only it weren’t for him…. Everything will be fine.”

Griselda, standing with her hands clasped down, smiled faintly at me. It’ll be fine…? What will? I found her words a bit amusing, but I agreed with a glance. It was around the time I was turning to lie down, my back to Griselda who was bidding me goodnight. Young lady. She called out to me as she was about to put out the last candle.

“Shall I prepare some sleeping medicine for you?”

“Sleeping medicine?”

“Yes, I don’t think you’ll be able to sleep easily tonight.”

Her belated consideration grated on my nerves, but the suggestion itself didn’t seem too bad. I nodded to Griselda, and she quickly returned with the medicine.

With her help, I swallowed the bitter medicine and lay back down. The final light went out. The sound of the door opening and closing. Griselda left the bedroom. Silently, dead time passed.

At that time, I was completely exhausted. However, the final silence-like sleep came agonizingly slowly. The inside of my head felt desolate. I wished the whole world would just turn off like this, that I would never open my eyes again without having to meet or part with anyone ever again. Nevertheless….

I wanted to fold it neatly and put it in a drawer that no one knew about in some corner.

A jewel to comfort my heart when taken out once in a while when tired. Or like a dagger hidden away to end my breath someday. Like a sudden summer shower that wet the garden, let’s just secretly bury our joyful and affectionate memories in my stomach and leave as if I never existed from the beginning. Until then, never again….

Let’s not even exchange words. Not touch, not be touched. Not comfort each other, not embrace, not whisper anything, no time together. If possible, please.

My mind became numb as if submerged in water. A black mist distorted inside my closed eyes. And so, that night.

We were unhappy to the best of our abilities.