#35

Winfrid cut off my voice arbitrarily as he spoke. He let go of me and stepped away. I couldn’t even blink. What was this about now? With my thoughts in disarray, I followed Winfrid’s shoulders as he paced in front of me.

“It doesn’t make sense. How can someone who loves so much put their lover’s bright future at stake for a promise that could break at any time? It’s only natural to be afraid first.”

“Of course… Of course I was afraid… How could I not be afraid? What I’m confident in… isn’t a blessed future without any hardships… I just… I just…”

I mumbled like a dazed corpse. Winfrid let out a big laugh with a “puhah” sound like air escaping.

“What nonsense is this? Elder sister, you had nothing to begin with. You were already broken 8 years ago. Don’t you know?”

8 years ago.

“Completely, completely weak… Family ignoring you, holed up in a corner… Elder sister, you’ve always been like this. Only hearing what you want to hear, only doing what you like. In the end, you have nothing and look at this state you’re in. Escape that requires no effort is very easy and convenient, isn’t it? Like human trash… As for me, even with this body, I didn’t crumble like elder sister.”

Gulp. Dark memories spewed out like ink. From inside my skull to the outside, eventually even my vision was dyed pitch black. And on that day, I heard it for the first time.

Stop it!

It was someone’s voice coming over the distant darkness.

I was wrong, please… please stop!

A girl who seemed much younger than my twenty-year-old self. The child who was wailing as if to tear my throat lay sprawled in a puddle of water. Ah, the girl screamed that she had desperately endured, that she was the one who had endured more desperately than anyone else, why didn’t they understand? I wanted to shout along with that voice that wasn’t even mine.

Yes, no, no. I’m not… such a terrible person…

“St, op…”

I wanted to cover Winfrid’s mouth but my voice wouldn’t come out properly. I felt like I might scream without even knowing why, but my voice, just wouldn’t come out at all. Winfrid didn’t stop and continued to butcher me.

“The situation is like this, so what good is elder sister’s courage? In the end, it’s elder brother’s life that will be shattered and ruined, not elder sister’s. Don’t you ever feel utterly shameless while going on about trust and whatnot? You insist it’s love till the end? Even selfishness should have its limits…”

Winfrid spread his arms dramatically.

“Ha! Our poor elder brother…! To risk his precious life on such a woman who knows nothing but herself. It moves me to tears! What a lamentable thing!”

What do you know!

The girl beyond the darkness screamed again. It felt like my eardrums would burst. I couldn’t gather my thoughts with voices ringing and pressing me from inside and out. Finally, as I couldn’t endure anymore and tried to raise my trembling hands to cover my ears.

“…This is why even I have to worry about elder brother. Isn’t this all part of a younger brother’s duty?”

“…Life outside is very different from here.”

Mixed with Winfrid’s question, Johannes’s voice was heard from somewhere. I froze in place.

“Your body and mind might be harder than now. Because of me alone…. Inetthe. I will ruin your life.”

That was clearly his voice from the day I begged him to abandon everything and run away. The brief hesitation that made me uneasy. His attitude that had made me feel very hurt for a moment.

I sewed my lips shut right there. For some reason, I no longer even felt like covering my ears or leaving the place.

“…Well, well.”

Winfrid clicked his tongue as if in contempt.

“Why are you crying when you haven’t done anything right? Did I say anything wrong? I’m saying all this for both of your sakes.”

Thanks to that, my thin focus of mind sharpened for a moment. My collarbone area was all wet. Only then did I realize that something like water was dripping from my chin, flowing down my neck and soaking my clothes. I wanted to wipe it away, but my arms, as if made of iron, wouldn’t rise at all.

“I’ll say it again, elder brother Johannes is not someone who should be swayed by the likes of elder sister. It’s not a future that can be thrown away for one mistake of youth…”

“……”

“If you understand, let go of elder brother.”

Winfrid, who seemed to be waiting for a definite answer, couldn’t wait long and abruptly turned towards the exit. I stood there blankly, just staring at the back of that child.

“Ah, have you heard?”

Winfrid, who suddenly stopped near the exit, turned around.

“A messenger came in the middle of last night. Father’s party has crossed the border of Gustavus. They should arrive at least before evening prayer today. It seems an unexpected guest is accompanying them, and it looks like it might be the young master who will become elder sister’s eldest son in the future.”

Crack.

It felt like my breastbone was being crushed. The final nail was driven into my heart, which was already nothing more than rags.

“I’m not sure if it’s the old man or father who’s in a hurry, but at this rate, the wedding will be soon… Elder brother must have heard the news before me, so he must be out of his mind by now.”

“……”

“He must be so tense he can barely breathe properly. If it’s true that he promised to run away, he might be looking for elder sister with his eyes rolled back. Whether it’s love or delusion, it must be maddening and crazy right now… I understand.”

Bewildered. I just kept staring at Winfrid’s dark pupils.

“Please, I’m begging you, elder sister. For elder brother’s sake too, please make a good choice this time, discerning well…”

“……”

“You go first and tell him. That it’s over. To come to his senses. That this path doesn’t seem right after all, so let’s each live happily from now on… Please, tell him to get lost from my sight.”

“……”

“Go like this… and tell him to his face, clearly. Nail it down. Okay?”

The cracks in Winfrid’s dark blue irises seemed to be fully visible. Was I such a rotten person? Was I, who believed in love, merely the very person leading Johannes to the edge of a cliff? How could I be so selfish…

In the place where my mind had completely died, Winfrid whispered subtly.

“If elder sister doesn’t speak properly, the next person I’ll visit won’t be elder sister but father, okay. Just… you know, keep that in mind.”

And then he turned around. There was no greeting. Winfrid just pierced a cold gaze deep into my already torn and tattered lungs until the very last moment, and left the chapel.

Thud.

The door closed.

***

I was left alone in the chapel after that child left.

My cheeks were all wet. I wiped my face once, and smoothed out my skirt and sleeves that weren’t even wrinkled. It was a habitual motion. Not long after, Griselda returned, but I didn’t pray.

I left the chapel. As I walked, I asked Griselda, who was unable to say anything and only fidgeted uneasily despite seeing my face which must have been a mess.

“Was it you?”

Griselda had no answer.

It was chilly outside.

I think I stumbled a little as my feet got tangled. Griselda approached, and I rejected her hand. It wasn’t that I was angry. I just didn’t have the energy to handle anyone other than myself. As I kept walking, Griselda stopped clinging to me.

I was a bit dazed. The thin sunlight that touched me with each step I took was dazzling. I raised my hand to shade my eyes under my eyebrows. The shadow of the guard walking ahead of me. Even the gray marks caught at my toes were bright to my eyes.

That day, I stayed in my chambers until sunset. I didn’t particularly create any pastimes. I just pulled a chair under the window, sat down, and looked outside. Contrary to Winfrid’s expectation, Johannes did not come looking for me that afternoon.

Beyond the window.

There was no one at the well where Johannes and the squires used to wash their backs in childhood. Only the laughter of the boy settled in the distant memory faded away with the wind sweeping the empty ground. Instead of the brilliant water color, I watched the reddish and yellow fragments fading in all directions. The setting sun that had tilted before I knew it looked like a pile of dead leaves.

The fallen leaves that father would step on when he came.

And then.

Fear that rose from the very bottom came rushing like a tidal wave. It opened its blue maw wide and engulfed me from head to toe. Even my fingernails gathered on my knees trembled. Father’s back as he embraced Johannes came to mind.

The grip that struck down the head of the black leopard also came to mind. And the sensation of dirt and sand scratching my palms. Some grains of sand dug into my flesh.

In the end, if father punishes us, it will be entirely my share alone. A whip? Stoning? Exile? Or perhaps a blade raised in anger, an axe with a chilling weight.

Breathing was difficult. The nape of my neck was all wet with cold sweat. The types of punishment I could anticipate were countless and excessively cruel. In the midst of being conquered by fear, I suddenly realized.

We will be caught.

The reason that comes back sharply when afraid, after giving way to instinct, seemed to finally function. It was just a matter of time.

We had no means to leave the duke’s territory within a day, and although Winfrid’s situation might have been better than mine, he was also out of father’s favor as he was congenitally weak, so father, who did not have a single healthy illegitimate child, would surely search the entire continent like combing for lice to find Johannes rather than pass on the duke title to that child.

We will be caught.

Even if we run away, we will certainly be caught.

Moreover, on that day we would inevitably face sooner or later, it was clear as day that one of us would die. Father would not forgive me, and Johannes would not just stand by and watch me die. What if he rushes at father?

Ah, that was terrible even to imagine.

It would be a blatant lie to say that I was not anxious and worried about my safety. But to truly confess, I did not want to create a situation where I would die by father’s hand in front of Johannes. In fact, that was the most important thing above all else.

I could not let Johannes stain his hands with blood, nor could I drive an nail into his heart that could never be pulled out. So even if I were to die, it would be better to be beaten to death by a strange old man in a place where he was not present. Ah, I.

Still, I don’t want to leave you. Johannes, I want to be together and be happy together. What should I do? Johannes.

I want to live. And then.

“A completely broken human trash!”

Winfrid’s voice from my memory tore me apart.

“Elder brother Johannes is not someone who should be swayed by the likes of elder sister. It’s not a future that can be thrown away for one mistake of youth.”

It felt like one of the pillars supporting me had been shattered to pieces.

But ridiculously, the voice that shattered my pillar was not Winfrid’s. It was Johannes’s voice that overlapped with Winfrid’s. His voice that worried about me, that seemed to see only me.

Yes, a brilliant future.

Johannes, who would have known more specifically than Winfrid about the future he would inevitably have to give up if he chose me, never once brought up his own story.

Just that he was sorry… That he would do his best… Even if our path ahead was like hell, at least you… He would make sure I knew nothing.

…Ah, Johannes.