“Young lady.”
“Strange. Why is he acting like that?”
“It’s a seizure.”
“Strange.”
“It’s a seizure, young lady.”
Griselda’s fingertips touched my face. The sensation was hard and rough like tree branches. I met Griselda’s gaze. A seizure?
“Yes.”
Griselda answered calmly.
“Although he looks ‘like that’ now, he’ll get better soon. So let’s return to the bedroom first. You don’t need to force yourself to watch. Come on, hurry.”
“…That is?”
A seizure? I clung to her unsteadily, asking stupidly. Griselda supported me firmly and carefully took steps. The noise faded away like a ghost. The voices of the knights gradually subsided.
The cracking sounds were no longer heard, and by the time the stairs where I had encountered Griselda came into view, only an eerie silence remained like ruins. I couldn’t understand the strangeness that had crept in so suddenly, as if denying what I had seen. Only my mind was left in tatters.
“The battlefield…”
Griselda said.
“The battlefield is a horrific place, young lady. It’s a place where terrible things that we inner court ladies can hardly imagine happen as if they were everyday occurrences. On the surface, everyone seems tough and accustomed to it, but in reality, no one knows. Who could know? How could anyone know what’s inside?”
Griselda’s voice was like a pale mist.
“Cruel experiences sometimes leave long scars on a person’s soul, young lady. Such wounds hardly ever go away. Of course, it’s not like that for everyone. The pain of unhealed wounds is like the shadow cast by darkness. Usually not visible, but suddenly one day, when sitting alone. Or on a deep night like tonight. It emerges from the depths of one’s inner self.”
In fact, because I had long since lost focus of consciousness, I couldn’t immediately follow her words. I only heard words like wound, shadow, and pain scattered about. Griselda tried to explain more about the seizure, but I vaguely denied it.
“Such a seizure…”
“No… Griselda…”
“…I’ve heard it’s common especially for knights who have been to the front lines. Since the young lord has been in battles since childhood, it’s not unreasonable for him to be like this occasionally.”
“That is. No… Johannes… I mean…”
My frozen lips couldn’t form words properly. My vision was even blurry, so I couldn’t point it out correctly. I couldn’t understand Griselda. It was like looking into a steamy mirror. Vague, with nothing visible properly.
I had seen a person having a seizure before.
It was during the height of the Valdemar-Milo war. That poor squire shook his whole body like a lightning-struck dog at noon when the heat was raging like divine punishment. His mouth, rolling on the hot dirt ground of the training field, was full of white foam, and his upturned eyes would flip over several times showing only the whites.
The sight of a pitiful body left thrashing with no trace of human will. At least, that’s what the seizure I saw was like. A seizure was something that evoked such surprising and pitiful feelings. But Johannes’s…
He was almost like a half-madman.
He was like a stallion that had broken out of its stable.
The whites of his eyes, which he had rolled up distortedly, gleamed viciously. The knights each crouched or pressed close, restraining Johannes’s limbs. Some of them had blood all over their upper lips and chests.
Johannes writhed violently as if unable to bear the restraint. He was panting fiercely as if about to throw a tantrum, but didn’t let out even a shallow groan. As if he might lose his soul the moment something burst out of his throat. As if he thought that soul was his everything. And thus, as if he had no choice but to endure his twisting intestines even while on the verge of vomiting.
Like a raptor chick refusing to hatch.
Wasn’t a seizure supposed to be beyond human will? Could that thing so full of will really be called a seizure? Suddenly, I remembered the sarcophagus I had smashed with half-belief earlier that day. The musty smell of moss in the basement, the feeling of the hammer so heavy it made my waist ache, came to mind in succession. The sarcophagus broke much more easily than it looked. The lighter pieces covered my feet, and the even lighter pieces flew like bone dust.
Could it be, like this? Did I perhaps make a terrible mistake? I could only silently burn my tongue, unable to express the reason for the helplessly rising anxiety.
“You remember too, don’t you, young lady?”
Griselda suddenly asked me. As if she knew well about that sarcophagus, continuing so naturally that I, suddenly alert, looked up at Griselda. What? Griselda’s sunken eyes were blue.
“The poet with burns on his face.”
“Ah.”
Poet. A poet, is it.
The fear I had prematurely felt finally subsided. Although I couldn’t remember every wandering poet or artist who frequently visited the fortress, it wasn’t difficult to recall that man with half of his face scarred. He was a man whose burn marks were like a nametag of his existence.
“He recited Arnulf’s song, didn’t he? I was actually a bit surprised. Wasn’t it Lion-hearted Arnulf? To think that such a renowned hero of Desain suffered from war aftereffects. To have endured such hardship for so many years…”
Griselda’s lips were like pouring cold water. My overheated mind cooled instantly. My tongue, as if splashed with water, quickly loosened and found its place, and I reprimanded her.
“Shouldn’t you be more careful with your words, Griselda?”
“Pardon?”
Griselda looked a bit surprised. I slowly shook my head.
“Arnulf of Desain? Who are you daring to compare with a mere knight?”
“I’m sorry.”
“We are Valdemar.”
“Yes.”
“Johannes is Valdemar.”
“Yes, young lady.”
“It can’t possibly be a seizure.”
“Yes.”
I didn’t scold her further. After that, we each remained silent. If only it were a seizure. No, not even a seizure. I prayed thus, pressing down my high pride filled with anxiety into my restless mouth.
Griselda stayed by my bedside, where I lay on the firewood, for a long time before leaving. The third floor of the stone fortress, where the midday heat hadn’t dissipated even at night, was too hot. Moreover, unable to erase the image of Johannes with his bloodshot eyes like a madman who had sewn his own mouth shut, I couldn’t fall asleep.
After tossing and turning with eyes wide open even when closed, I suddenly got up and slightly opened the door to peek out. The guard was not at his post. My heart was pounding wildly, but I didn’t hesitate long. Since I couldn’t guess when they would return, I just quickly slipped out of the bedroom.
Because Griselda was such an agile woman with sharp night hearing, I didn’t carry a light. I just quietly muffled my footsteps and went downstairs, relying on the torch light.
But isn’t it strange?
I didn’t realize it at the time. However, looking back and pondering carefully, the guards were nowhere to be found all night. Like a blank completely erased by someone. Why did they leave their posts? Why did no one notice this fact?
Weren’t they the guards in front of the women’s quarters who should never leave their posts, like the gatekeepers of hell? That’s why I lived such a lonely life, like a prisoner, didn’t I? Unable to go out because I was an inner court lady without a husband, even though I was the daughter of a ruler, I had to distinguish between places I could and couldn’t go, with escorts trailing behind me in a long line.
The only places I could be alone were my bedroom and my maternal family’s inner palace! Like a prisoner, I was an innocent country bumpkin who thought that was how life was supposed to be!
Did you enjoy it?
Are you enjoying it?
All those extraordinary events must have been your will and the guidance of your chains.
I regret it. I regret it so much that my bones are chilled and my internal organs are rotting. It’s a regret that makes me wake up suddenly, pounding my chest. I should have questioned and examined that absence outside of common sense. If my mother had been alive, I should have suspected that situation where no one noticed such a significant negligence that would have turned the fortress upside down, which seemed like the work of some evil. That would have been proper. But regret is always too late. As you already know.
The solitary path was heavy and silent, as if all the previous commotion had been a dream. It was terrifyingly quiet in front of Johannes’s bedroom. How many years had it been since I last visited? I lingered in the hallway for a long time.
For a young lady from the inner quarters to wander around in the middle of the night, and even visit her brother’s bedroom of the opposite sex. If someone were to notice, it wouldn’t end with just unpleasant gossip.
However, the immediate anxiety overshadowed the potential anxiety. After a long hesitation, I knocked on the door. It was the choice of a blind person.
“Johannes.”
There was no answer. I knocked on the door again and whispered quickly.
“Johannes, it’s me.”
The silence flickered like a dim torch. I opened the door about a hand’s width and looked inside. The interior was so dark that I couldn’t tell if someone or something was there.
As I hesitated to enter, footsteps came from the other end of the corridor. Judging by the clanking metal sound, it seemed the guards were returning.
Was that really the sound of guards’ footsteps? There’s no way to know now that I doubt it. But at that time, I was flustered from my ankles up. Every hair on my body stood on end. My knees buckled dully, unable to get a grip, and my palm holding the doorknob became sweaty. What should I do? What should I do? Should I go back? Before I get caught…
Suddenly, the door flung open.
My body was also pushed back unsteadily.
There wasn’t even time to be wary. A long, firm arm, suddenly protruding from the dark room, wrapped around my waist and pulled me in. I entered the room completely, as if swallowed by shadows. I heard the heavy sound of the door closing behind me, and the light that had been streaming in horizontally was instantly erased.
Wedged tightly between the person and the door, I couldn’t even sit down. The bedroom, completely dark with even the windows closed, was as black as if night had been poured into it. My eardrums, sensitized due to the loss of visual function, painfully picked up the breathing sounds of two people pushing through the darkness.
Mine, short and broken, and the man’s, long like a sigh. And outside the door, the sound of chains dragging. It faded away. Just as my suddenly racing heart began to settle, the tall presence retreated into the room.
“…What are you doing here?”
It was Johannes.
Male lead says he’s pregnant — and it’s female lead’s child
Something seems a bit off about this world.
Wang Zhao thought as she watched a pregnant man walking towards her…
Intro
Female lead finds herself in a world where the men who possess the ability to bear children.
As she navigates this unfamiliar reality, she is caught off guard by the sudden appearance of her boyfriend, who reveals that he is pregnant.
Is this truly her boyfriend?
Why can’t she recall any details about their time together?
She begins to doubt whether the child her boyfriend is carrying is even hers.
Is there a hidden reason behind her amnesia, or could it be a side effect of her sudden arrival in this strange new world?
Just when it seems the protagonist’s life couldn’t become any more entangled, her ex-boyfriend makes an unexpected appearance, raising questions about the protagonist’s past.
__________
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