#27
Finally, Johannes, who spoke as if admonishing, “It’s really too late now,” grabbed my calves. As if to tie me up, he wrapped my two legs around his waist and lifted me up in his arms. He walked briskly to the candle, slightly lowered his upper body, and blew out the flame.
When he bent down, my entire body, which was tightly clinging to him, swayed backward together. I felt like I was going to fall. I hugged Johannes tightly. Since I couldn’t make a sound, I pressed my lips firmly against his neck and laughed.
“Why are you laughing?”
“How can I not laugh in this situation?”
“Ah, you’re not laughing at how I look, are you?”
“No.”
“Then stop laughing.”
“I don’t want to.”
The second banter that continued to the bed was as sweet as melting sugar with each other’s tongues. Ah, Johannes.
My Johannes.
Sometimes like a dry wind, sometimes like a bloody downpour. And from some point on, Johannes, who had become an infinitely distant, unfamiliar, and cold wall, was like such an eternal boy only in front of me.
He was beautiful and lovely. Truly, I didn’t want to show him to anyone else. Even amidst our exchanges, my nose ached for no reason.
A room filled with night.
We lay close together, each with our own pillow, and whispered for a long time. It was only when I was tracing Johannes’s lips with my drowsy fingertips that I suddenly remembered the twelve-year-old young lady who had been his first partner.
“But… a young lady of marriageable age attending banquets. What an absurd thing…”
“…”
Johannes, who had been kissing each knuckle of my finger he was holding, suddenly stiffened. A moment of silence. I couldn’t see his expression well. My hand was released. He pulled me close by the waist and asked quietly.
“Are you very stifled?”
His voice was somehow hoarse.
“By what?”
“The inner chambers, I mean.”
“Why the inner chambers?”
“In fact, it’s almost… no different from confinement, isn’t it?”
“…Even if it’s stifling, what can be done? Everyone lives like this…”
“…”
When we marry, the situation will improve. I swallowed the bitter afterthought that was as acrid as bile. The silence was long.
Was Johannes feeling the same as me at that time? I’m not sure. Looking back now, in reality, it was nothing more than lye slowly drying me to death. Without any valid reason.
So Johannes might have been making excuses in his mind. Or he might have been asking for forgiveness. If so, was he begging me then? Was he begging the god who would be equally cursed every day for his fate? I have no way of knowing the thoughts of the one who never even apologized. It could be none of those. Perhaps he was begging to you, damn it.
Johannes’s face came close like some desperate request. I cupped his cheek. As I gently pressed my lips to his, he dug in desperately like a starving child seeking milk. Soon, long, long wet sounds, sorrowful and thick, continued between the entangled flesh.
At that time, I think I let go of everything. That it was now irreversible and I didn’t want to turn back anyway. Thus, I chose the nearby sulfur fire, abandoning the bright path. At the bottom of that choice was a faith in Johannes. An indiscriminate faith that we would die together if we died, and live together if we lived.
“…Surely, I will be punished by heaven.”
In the brief moment we parted as the deepened angle twisted, I expressed my anxiety. I ended up confessing the sense of guilt that neither of us had brought up first, and had only buried deeply. Johannes half-raised his upper body, propping himself up on his elbow on the bed. It was almost with the force of getting up from his seat. The blanket flipped over down to below the waist at that violent momentum.
“Don’t say such things.”
He spoke quickly.
“What wrong have you done? Why should you be punished? There’s no such thing, and there shouldn’t be, and even if there were, I would take it. You.”
Johannes, who had been speaking forcefully, suddenly closed his mouth. He was rough, as if thoroughly angry at someone. You cry as if you’re about to weep. I could finally understand Johannes’s sharp sentiments that had scraped my insides raw. It felt like looking into a mirror for the first time. Johannes’s face, full of anger as if about to burst into tears at any moment.
That face which, no matter where or how you looked at it, resembled me, proving my denial in every detail even if I disliked it or tried to avoid it.
He probably didn’t want to show it. He covered his eyes and forehead with his remaining hand. He stroked up and down along the bridge of his nose for a long time. Inette, you… I…. He spat out words that couldn’t be finished between his teeth, like wounds, here and there. His hand that had been covering his face finally came down resolutely.
“…Stay by my side. I’ll try. I’ll make sure you never suffer again…”
Johannes’s head slowly dropped.
“You know, Johannes…”
Whether it was too soft to be heard, or whether he couldn’t answer even after hearing it. Johannes didn’t respond to my call. Only the air of suppressing excitement was feverishly hot. I didn’t mind.
I just placed my hand on his fist that lay between us. I slowly stroked the slightly trembling back of his hand until it calmed down. The protruding veins under my palm were pitiful.
Those blood vessels that were like a resolution or vow just before breaking completely. As I traced them, I couldn’t help but confess. I put my forehead next to him and said.
“…I love you.”
That one phrase, carelessly uttered when I could no longer see anything else.
And then silence.
It was a breathless moment.
Johannes’s hand, arm, body, began to tremble one after another like water mixing. He looked like a dying patient, and like someone facing the final pain that had to be endured with a living body. His gaze rising towards me was like that of someone desperately trying to engrave in their eyes a sight that might be the last of their life.
Johannes’s arm dug into my side. He embraced me. He laid me down and covered my body. He pressed his forehead to my forehead, eyelids, cheeks. Like a beast that had once suffered alone in the narrow cave he had mentioned, he rubbed and nuzzled his face against mine.
My wrists were grabbed. Johannes, who had raised my arms up, gathered my wrists and held them with one hand. He came between me. And slowly, gradually. He moved his hips.
Repeating a single thrust forward and a slow retreat, he looked down at me. A sigh that poured out painfully as if scraping out the insides of his stomach. Inette… look at me.
Johannes, who had caught my eyes as I moaned while biting my lips to avoid making a loud sound, did not avert his gaze after that. As if trying to engrave it on his retina somehow, he truly did not look away for even a single moment. One more time, say it again.
“…Please…”
Johannes, who had been panting, murmured almost pleadingly. I love you. I whispered to his lips. Ha. Johannes made a dying sound. He called me. Inette….
“Say it again.”
“I love you…”
“More…”
“I love you, Johannes…”
“…Ah.”
“Johannes.”
“Ugh…”
“…Jo, han…”
His expression, which looked like he might burst into tears at any moment, seemed to transfer to me. I felt like I might cry, and Johannes buried his face in my neck beneath him.
That moment of aching tenderness.
Perhaps we were dirty. Perhaps we were perfectly self-destructing moment by moment. But it was clearly love. That’s what I believed. Even if we were this dirty… this too was love.
I truly loved him.
***
From that dawn onwards, I fell ill and was bedridden for several days.
I think I was confined to bed for exactly four days. It was probably due to the mental shock coupled with multiple layers of physical strain, and finally letting go of all worries, releasing the tension and anxiety that had built up for nearly ten days at once. I don’t even remember how Johannes managed to slip out of the inner chambers.
The scenery I saw when I occasionally opened my eyes swayed as if viewed underwater. No, I’m not even sure if I really opened my eyes, as there might not have been a single image that was properly standing.
I felt chills as if I had laid my bare body on an icy floor and thought I might freeze to death, but the breath coming through my throat was like strands of fire. It felt as if someone had grabbed me by the neck and was alternately dunking me in the cold and hot waters of hell.
And at some point, I’m not sure when, whether in a dream or not, I saw Johannes. I’m sorry, he said. As if he had forgotten all other languages, he just repeated, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. With an expressionless, dazed face, he kept repeating those words.
His face, which looked more like an aged stone statue than a person, seemed so guilty that I felt like I might break apart instead. Johannes, Johannes. I called his name a few times. What are you sorry for, I’m fine, but the words were too long so I just repeated his name. Another blackout. Johannes vanished suddenly.
It was after that when my mind, which had been nearly at death’s door, fully returned.
When I forcefully pressed my long-closed eyelids, my eyes finally opened as if a melted scar was breaking apart. It was as if an opaque membrane had formed over my eyeballs, and I couldn’t see properly. Without the strength to rub them, I just blinked hard a few times with all my might.
Only then did the interior of the room take on its true appearance. The opaque curtain covering half of the inside and the wardrobes beyond it. Even the one Johannes and I had hidden in. The entire bedroom was bathed in an autumnal twilight.
I heard the sound of water from the side. When I turned my head with a creak, I saw Griselda with her hands in a basin.
“Gri…”
My voice wouldn’t come out properly. I doubted whether I even had vocal cords, it was so difficult. Even breathing was a struggle. There was no way I had the energy to clear my throat. I called out to Griselda with a voice that sounded terribly cracked even to my own ears.
“…da…”
“…”
“Gri… selda…”
“Young lady!”
Griselda seemed to have been sitting in a chair placed by my bedside. As she called out to me like a scream and suddenly stood up, the sound of wood dragging across the carpet loudly rang in my ears. Even that sound made it feel like my head was going to split open. Griselda beamed with joy and didn’t know what to do with herself.
“Young lady! Young lady! Oh my, oh my! You’ve finally come to your senses!”
“…No, noisy…”
Ah, that good woman. You can’t imagine how happy she was. How much fuss she made, this woman who was usually so quiet you could hardly tell if she was there or not, it was like a bundle of knitting needles spilling all over the room.
Surprised and grateful for her uncharacteristic behavior, I, who was about to scold her for being noisy, quietly swallowed my words since my voice wasn’t coming out anyway.
Griselda repeatedly stroked my forehead as I lay silently. With an expression that looked like she was about to cry, she poured out her joy in a stream.
“Ah! Thank you, thank you. Young lady, do you know how worried I’ve been? I was just beginning to feel relieved as you showed signs of improvement this morning, and now you’ve opened your eyes and eased the hearts of those who were anxious! Please lie still like this for a moment. I need to call the priest and send someone to the young lord. He was so worried, the young lord’s complexion wasn’t good at all while you were unconscious. Did you know?”
When male lead is the homewrecker
“I know she doesn’t love him.”
I’ve read the novel below twice already. Girls, I’m highly recommending it to you!
The female lead? Not a good person.
The second male lead? Not a good person.
The male lead? Willingly plays the third party, breaking up the female and second male lead’s relationship despite all the warnings from his friends—so yeah, he’s definitely not a good person either.
Basically, nobody in this novel is simple-minded or without scheming.
The female lead starts off as the male lead’s secretary, but don’t worry—later on, she takes over the company while the male lead steps back to support her. He won’t steal her spotlight, overshadow her, or dull her shine.
I love novels where men are out here snatching wigs, tearing each other down, and going to war just to win the female lead’s affection. And this is exactly that kind of novel. Most of Hai Dai Ran’s works have this dynamic. You’ll see the male characters’ emotions being pushed to the absolute extreme.
There’s even a scene where the second male lead exposes the male lead online for being a homewrecker. The brotherhood immediately gangs up on him, dragging him through the mud. I find it compelling —it completely flips reality on its head, where usually, women are the ones fighting over a man and getting torn apart by the sisterhood.
For me, female leads in the novels I read should only struggle in their careers, not in love. But if the brainless romantics in the story are all men? I have zero complaints.
I’ve pretty much read all of Hai Dai Ran’s novels and even translated all of them—her works are just my thing. I’ll slowly upload everything here. One day, when my website is official, I hope I can invite her to join as one of the star authors.
Here’s the story synopsis:
One-line summary: She is his lifelong obsession, to the point where he was willing to be a third wheel, scorned by society, just to wedge his way into her relationship with her fiancé.
Cold-hearted and indifferent female lead + Scheming and subservient CEO male lead
Intro 1:
“I know she doesn’t love him.”
With blood trickling from his clenched fist, Rong Xiu gazed at the woman before him, his eyes clouded with anguish. Hidden in the wardrobe, he had witnessed Fan Xia – the woman he desperately loved – in an intimate embrace with her fiancé. Yet his heart still yearned for her, defying all reason.
Fan Xia, the elegant and composed assistant, carried something mysterious in her eyes whenever she looked at her fiancé, Wen Lan Sheng. Strange occurrences began to surface – secret meetings with the young Gu Jin Yi, an unexplained withdrawal of 5,000 yuan… Then suddenly, her fiancé’s sister, Wen Jing, violently attacked her.
In this matriarchal society, Rong Xiu had risen to become the chairman of a powerful healthcare conglomerate, breaking through gender prejudices. But for the first time, he willingly stepped into the shadows as the other man, disregarding his friends’ warnings to become her secret lover.
Because he had discovered the truth – Fan Xia wasn’t the pure angel everyone believed her to be. And perhaps, he was the only one capable of helping her execute her mysterious plan…
Intro 2:
Rong Xiu’s biggest regret in life was missing out on Fan Xia.
He secretly loved Fan Xia for 7 years.
Watched her go public with her boyfriend.
Watched her kiss her boyfriend at their wedding.
Until that man blissfully nestled in Fan Xia’s arms, obtaining everything he could only dream of.
The crazy jealousy stripped away his hidden secret love, layer by layer, burning like wildfire.
Fan Xia, how can I have you!
【Reading and Trigger Warning Guide】
1. Female dominant, male submissive, male pregnancy
2. Male lead schemes his way to the top, male competition
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Please help me, I want to bring you the best possible things.
If you find any chapter or novel with poor translation and editing quality, let me know by commenting directly under that novel or chapter. I will retranslate it as soon as possible.
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