She shed tears like rain.

With her mouth full of tears, gritting and swallowing them, she stretched her hands to both sides of the doorframe and dug in all ten fingernails. She twisted and twisted her head, shoulders, and waist as if wringing them out. She shook her head frantically. Her sweat drops, tear drops, and disheveled hair flew in all directions between her arms spread to either side, and with her lips tightly closed like building a dam, she sobbed with all her heart into her throat.

I won’t go in.

I won’t go in.

I! Won’t go…! Thud!

But Johannes easily moved me who was on his shoulders.

I was dragged inside, pulled by my deeply embedded fingernails. My fingernail tips came off the doorframe. The sensation of flesh tearing under my nails felt like it was setting my mind on fire. I reflexively clenched my fists.

At that moment, Johannes must have clearly heard the ear-piercing noise of wood being scratched, but he didn’t even look at me once. Feeling the blood drain from my face, I turned to look at Johannes. His profile seemed to be burning white all over. His cheek, so white and eerie from losing his reason to the point of coldness…

It was rather an ecstasy for me.

So I feared him with all my might. So scared and terrified that I might wet my underwear, pretending not to see my ecstasy, covering my ears from my subconscious trembling with anticipation, believing such pitch-black self-deception to be the real truth.

At that time, I was so terribly afraid of Johannes.

“Excuse me.”

A shadow that seized an opening left a brief greeting and scurried away like a mouse. It was the middle-aged man who had been standing awkwardly in the center of the room. Though he had acted like a well-trained animal subservient to me, in reality he likely feared nothing in the world, yet he took one look at Johannes and fled ingloriously.

Was it because of Johannes’ eyes? Or had that man also noticed my man’s murderous intent that seemed as if it could even cut through skin? Perhaps the sword tied under Johannes’ coat was unmistakably a knight’s emblem, so he fled before causing any unnecessary trouble.

Though he could have easily caught the fleeing man with just one hand, Johannes didn’t even glance at him. In fact, he seemed to have not the slightest interest in the man who had played with his woman all night. Treating him completely like an insect. He just strode straight inside and…

He threw me down.

I landed hard on my bottom with a thud! Feeling the impact travel up my spine to the top of my head, I felt my vision go dark for an instant as my eyes widened. I couldn’t even scream, just staring with wide eyes. It happened so suddenly. My tear-stained chin and nape seemed to heave once loudly as if hiccuping.

What…

Is happening…

I couldn’t hide my dazed expression from the shock. Forgetting what to say, I stupidly met Johannes’ indifferent gaze looking down at me from a dizzying height. It was more than surprising – it was strange. How could he…

Inflame me so much.

My lower back felt numb. I smelled the scent of an illusion of burying my head deep between his legs and wrapping my legs around his neck to choke him. A steamy scent. In it, I would sob, and you would moan softly as you looked at me.

I almost pathetically crossed my trembling thighs in front of Johannes, as my lower abdomen tightened unbearably. Desperately suppressing my vulgar fantasies and aroused body, I pleaded earnestly with just my wide, desperate eyes. Oh, please…

Come to me. Come to me. Punish me, Johannes. Oh, show me you destroying me piece by piece for daring to resist you… Hm? It was the moment when my tension towards climax had reached its thread-thin peak.

And, of all times then.

“This is difficult, my lord.”

My eyes, which had been fixed dreamily on Johannes’ face, suddenly came back into focus. Johannes also turned his body slightly towards the corner where the voice came from. That voice that suddenly rang out belonged to the old woman I had glimpsed downstairs mingling with Regina. The innkeeper standing outside the door bowed deeply as soon as she met Johannes’ gaze.

“Our establishment’s policy is payment in advance.”

“No, before that! That child is not an employee…!”

“We make no exceptions, please understand.”

Cutting off Regina’s frantic cry that seemed to have followed belatedly, the old woman lifted just her face with her bent back and smiled, stretching her lips wide. She too must have looked Johannes directly in the eye. Unlike Regina who seemed thoroughly cowed, there was not a trace of surprise on the old woman’s face. Just a calm expression as if it were an everyday occurrence.

I was extremely flustered. Since when had it been like this? The area outside the door was so ordinary and bustling. There even seemed to be no room to step behind the innkeeper and Regina due to the onlookers who had gathered without any sense of propriety. Murmur murmur, murmur murmur…

What… kind of interference is this?

I sighed without realizing it.

“…Sit down.”

Johannes, who had been staring at the commotion outside for a moment, turned just his head to look at me and gestured beside me. There was a table chair in the spot his index finger pointed to when I followed it with a startled glance. And there, on the chair back, hung a single rope familiar to my hands.

It was clearly the rope used to tie up the man I had been playing with. I took in the sight of that strange toy from moments ago and inhaled sharply, not knowing what to do. The scene of that rope wrapping around my neck and tightening slightly flashed through my mind like a momentary terrible daydream. That rope seemed like some holy grail to me.

That senile old troublemaker needs to disappear soon. Ah, then Johannes would punish me with that… What should I do? By then I think I was almost on the verge of wailing as I cursed the old woman. I couldn’t calm down, feeling like I would die of impatience. Just as I was panting deeply to my very core. Clatter, thud!

A sudden noise tore at my ears. As I sat on the floor, I turned around with a start to see Johannes’ back, who had already gone out past the entrance. Beyond his swaying coat tails, the hilt of Johannes’ sword stuck in the floor flickered. Since the previous noise was apparently the sound of the blade scraping the wooden floor, I could immediately understand the situation. It was a declaration of sorts. That this inside was his domain, and he would kill any intruders who crossed the line.

“W-Who do you think you are…!”

“What is your name?”

The old woman cut off Regina’s cry again and quickly asked Johannes’ back as he turned around without hesitation. It seemed she had no way of knowing Johannes’ identity since he had only planted his sword instead of raising a shield emblazoned with his family crest.

Though she should have retreated at the sight of such an ominous object. What a tough and persistent woman. While I wait here feeling like all the moisture in my body is drying up and shriveling. Am I really the only one here burning up and dizzy with impatience? Hm? Oh, why are they all like this… I truly felt like I would burst into sorrowful, anxious tears at any moment.

“Ah…”

I caught a glimpse of Regina, who had been facing inside, suddenly starting with a shocked expression and taking a step back. She must have received Johannes’ gaze at that moment. Johannes stood silently for a long moment as if silence were his nature, staring at her.

Johannes’ imposing aura that had seemed so abstract until then faltered a few seconds later. He who had been as straight as a spear suddenly covered the back of his neck. His gesture aroused anxiety within me. I think I muttered to myself then. That it shouldn’t be. That it mustn’t be.

Johannes. Don’t hold back now.

Despite my intense and desperate wish, he eventually murmured softly.

“My lady… often takes in lowly companions, causing such trouble for her knight.”

“I’m not sure what you mean.”

The old woman asked politely, lowering her posture. Johannes glanced back over his shoulder and spoke to me in almost a whisper.

“When we’re alone, she nags at me.”

“…”

At that moment, Johannes’ voice trailed off in what was almost a faint sigh as he briefly rested his gaze on my face. Both the old woman and I were at a loss for words. The old woman because she didn’t understand. Me because I was taken aback by his subtle rebuke. Gradually dumbfounded. So aggrieved that I momentarily forgot even the desperate climax from before. Unable to retort, at some point I found myself stammering a reply.

“Th-That’s because, you, unlike you, go around harming innocent people…”

“…”

“And then you, suffer for it… so I…”

“Valdemar.”

Johannes cut me off mid-sentence and turned around. The old woman who faced him again raised her head.

“Yes?”

“Johannes Valdemar of Western Gustavus.”

“Oh my.”

The old woman’s narrowed gaze darted between Johannes’ face and the sword stuck in the floor. Then she bowed deeper than ever before.

“I apologize for my rudeness.”

“No! What rudeness, j-just a moment…”

“I hope you rest comfortably.”

“This is absurd…!”

Regina’s cry and the sight of her rushing at the old woman’s back were completely erased with one loud thud! Having slammed the open door shut forcefully, Johannes pressed one hand against the door and lowered his head deeply. Raising his other hand to firmly grip the back of his neck, he let out a short but perfect sigh this time.

“…Hah.”

His back looked utterly exhausted at a glance. The cliff-like atmosphere was nowhere to be found.

The room became eerily quiet as soon as the door closed. It was a vacuum-like silence where the noise from outside dared not even intrude. Sitting awkwardly in the midst of it, I stared in disbelief at the flames that had died down as if it were a lie. What is… this…

“I told you to sit.”

Hands suddenly entered under both my armpits. It was Johannes. He firmly grasped my sides and lifted me up, seating me in the chair. His touch and movements as he made contact with me were all so bitter in their complete stillness that I hung tears of a different meaning in the corners of my eyes. What is this, I ask you.

To hold back the desolate and bewildered tears, I had to bite my lip wide. I hadn’t realized how tightly I had been gripping the chair seat, but the skin under my torn nails stung all over.

Johannes also pulled up the remaining chair and sat across from me. Leaning his back long against it in a properly neat posture, he blankly stared at my disheveled appearance with filth on my clothes, feet, and all over. That gaze was just like a quiet sea, making me even more sorrowful.

What is this, I ask you…

“Your clothes.”

He asked me. A lump rose in my throat, preventing me from answering immediately. In the brief moment before I could give him an answer, I must have repeated dozens of times in my tightly closed mouth: Don’t do this, don’t do this, don’t do this…

“…I threw them away.”

“Your shoes.”

“Those too.”

“Why.”

“Why are you acting like this?”

“…You’ll get hurt.”

“Just because we were interrupted a little, why… did you stop being angry at me.”

Johannes sighed deeply as if he hadn’t heard my question. His attitude grated on me. In the end, I ended up grumbling intermittently in a whiny tone.

“You’ve changed.”

“Who’s changed.”

“You really have changed. You, before, weren’t like this…”

I trailed off, recalling his old face that used to fiercely interrogate me.

“Before?”

Johannes’ head tilted slightly. He soon leaned forward, resting his forearms on his knees. Thanks to that, our gazes met at a similar height. Then.

“…Are you talking about before that night when we became certain of each other?”

“…”

“Or are you talking about before the night I proposed to you?”

His voice asking me was just like a quiet sea, so lukewarm and low.

Now I’ll reveal it, Kretzman.

After leaving Alona’s inn, we got engaged. It was one day while we were staying as honored guests of Count Pessoa, sleeping together nearly every day without much regard for others’ eyes. In the guest room where only the two of us remained, there was a vase full of unfamiliar flowers soaking up water.

I can still clearly see Johannes’ nape that night as he fidgeted restlessly, looking nervous like a boy. Come to think of it, he had been out of sorts since earlier that day. He who rarely made mistakes kept dropping his sword or stumbling several times, and he couldn’t even look me in the face directly, couldn’t even ask me boldly. Sitting down beside me with his head deeply bowed, he asked with his face turned to the side:

“If I were to propose…”

“…”

“Would you, perhaps, accept?”

Under the faint candlelight, his ears were completely red with tension, like the marks of my lips. I couldn’t even ask what meaning the customs of this world could have for us at that moment.

Because my man’s childishly nervous appearance seemed like such a terribly beautiful contradiction in this misaligned world. Because my welling tears, his breath as he buried his forehead after receiving my embrace to swallow his own tears, seemed like a mythical flood. Because my cowardly knight anxiously waiting for an answer was so achingly lovable it made my whole chest ache.

“I’ll accept.”

“…”

“I’ll accept a hundred, a thousand times.”

“…Ah.”

That short gasp he finally let out after holding back so long, which made me cry instead.

“…Aren’t you going to ask where I threw the ring?”

I asked hesitantly, looking down at my feet. Johannes answered in a calm tone.

“No.”

“Aren’t you curious…?”

“No.”

“Why?”

“…”

“Why.”

I looked up at Johannes accusingly. His gaze shifted down and to the side. His complexion, partially hidden as if wanting to avoid me, was pale at a glance and deeply melancholic. And then.

“Because… after hearing the answer, I’m not confident I could let my wife live.”

He murmured softly, as if letting the words slip out.