That red night.

I was clearly an inexperienced conqueror. Having only learned through observing with my eyes until now, I had nothing particularly familiar to my hands, so my excited heart only raced ahead by several steps. Even for mere play, my touches were all rough and clumsy. How thrilled I was, and how hasty with each movement. It felt like finally finding an easy companion to play house with to my heart’s content, after only peeking sidelong at the naked boys frolicking among themselves by the well.

“Ah! Why doesn’t it work…”

I uttered with a somewhat tearful expression, feeling anxious. Kneeling on the floor, I was trying to bind the man’s wrists behind his back into one, but couldn’t tie them tightly as intended. The man with a thin blindfold turned his head back.

“…What did you say?”

I asked, bringing my face close to his shoulder. Unable to understand his muffled words through the gag, I slightly lowered the cloth stuffed in his mouth. I quickly withdrew my hand to avoid getting the man’s saliva that was dripping from his open mouth.

“Instead of rope, use thin cloth… to tie me.”

What could be so good about not being able to see? The man, his face flushed red under the blindfold, suggested to me while panting heavily. I tilted my head.

“Is that really better? You think that would be better too?”

“Yes.”

“You should have said so earlier. Then I wouldn’t have gone to unnecessary trouble.”

“I’m, I’m sorry…”

“Shh.”

I immediately raised his gag back up. Looking around for cloth to use as rope, my eyes fell on the man’s undergarments. They seemed much thinner than his outer clothes, easy to tear, and long enough to be suitable for tying. I eagerly and enthusiastically jumped up and grabbed the pants. Without hesitation, I tore them roughly to make a useful strip, and immediately bound the man.

The thin cloth twisted easily. I watched as the thinned strip dug deeply into the man’s thick wrists. His skin swelled as the blood flow was restricted, turning pale below the wrists, and I found it immensely fascinating. I vaguely heard the prostrate man mumble something and let out a long groan, as if his bound wrists were quite painful.

“You, why are you pretending to be in pain?”

I pulled tightly on the belt tied around the man’s neck until his head, which had been pressed to the floor, shot up. The man’s neck bent sharply. He seemed to be choking, his mouth gagged. His broad chest heaved up and down incessantly. I brought my lips close to his blindfold.

“Tell me you like it.”

“……”

“Say you like it.”

The man was silent. But his hesitation was brief. The gagged man made pitiful “oo, uh” sounds while nodding his head fervently. I like it. I do like it. How pathetic and sordid that enthusiastic response was. My heart pounded indescribably as I gazed at that utterly entrancing sight.

Softly, between closed lips, Johannes.

Slowly rolling my tongue, Johannes.

I sweetly, sweetly whispered the name of my brother, the most brilliant and beautiful man in this land. You should be here. The line of your uncomfortably prostrate neck and shoulders and deeply hollowed spine. Your firm buttocks. Your taut thighs, your humiliating posture should be right here now. Ah… what to do. You know, Johannes. You know too, don’t you? Now, just imagining you makes my heart pound so…

“You know, I’m having a lot of fun too.”

I gently stroked the back of the head of the man who was blind, mute, and immobilized. I whispered softly in his ear.

“You know, until now, I’ve always felt like you do right now.”

“……”

“That disgustingly sweet feeling of being half-paralyzed…”

Thump thump, thump thump, as if thrown by the pounding heartbeat, the corners of my mouth seemed to lift entirely. It was so difficult to swallow down the suddenly exploding lump in my throat. I was mercilessly curious, given the unplanned situation. What should I do, how should I act, for Johannes to see me like this now? Even if you can’t see, can you see everything? Even if you can’t hear, can you hear everything?

I’m leaving this place, Johannes.

Try to stop me, Johannes. Get furiously angry at me like you did at Aliona’s inn. Want me like you did then. Please, with the face of a husband. With a father’s solemn expression. With the majesty of the most noble Duke.

Come.

To crush me.

***

“You…”

Regina’s eyes widened. When I came out, my mind somewhat clearer, our eyes met as Regina stood weakly in the narrow, shabby hallway under the red lights. Upon seeing me, she seemed about to rush at me for a moment, but then retreated with a strange expression. She appeared to be restraining her emotions.

“Are you alright?”

She asked, lowering her eyebrows and narrowing her eyes. In the midst of the bustling hallway despite the late hour, I approached her closely.

“How thoughtful of you to worry about me.”

I smiled faintly, genuinely surprised, and Regina’s lips pressed tightly together.

“The drug was quite effective. You know, when I was younger, insomnia was a chronic condition, so I often drank sleeping pills, but I’ve never fallen asleep as quickly as this time. What’s the name of that drug? Could you get me some too?”

“…I don’t know the name. I’ll ask the madam later.”

“Thank you. I’ll compensate you then.”

I looked around, with Regina leaning silently against the wall in front of me. Through the doors crowding the hallway walls, bizarre shouts and dying gasps were seeping like an ominous fog. I was newly amazed and fascinated by the fact that until just moments ago, I too had occupied one of those rooms as a proper part of this hellish scene. My throat felt refreshingly dry.

“Say, where can I get a drink? I came out looking for water.”

“Are you really alright?”

“Hmm?”

I was a bit startled when she suddenly grabbed my wrist. I looked up and met Regina’s eyes. Her troubled gaze seemed more perplexed than self-reproachful.

“I know I shouldn’t be saying this, but ah, really…”

She roughly scratched the back of her head with her other hand.

“I was worried, you know. If you hadn’t done such an unnecessarily virtuous thing… No. If I hadn’t just listened to your circumstances, I wouldn’t have felt this unpleasant feeling. I would have stripped you bare without a second thought.”

“What’s wrong with my circumstances?”

“Well, you…”

Regina’s clear-cut eyes contorted awkwardly. After staring at me for a while, seemingly at a loss, she shook her head.

“Never mind. Anyway… What’s really going on with you? Why do you look so fine? Nothing happened in there?”

“Nothing happened. That man, he couldn’t lay a finger on me.”

“No, how? Hey… don’t tell me! You didn’t just kill him without thinking again, did you? Huh?”

Regina looked over my shoulder at the room door as if about to jump. I lamented with a thoroughly bewildered mind.

“What are you saying… Look at you… Who killed who? If it’s my fault that man died of pleasure on his own, then I guess I did kill him. Just because I swung a wooden club once today, there’s nothing you won’t say to me.”

Regina’s brow furrowed even more strangely. She tilted her head, squinting her eyes.

“Died of pleasure?”

For some reason, at that moment, excitement welled up inside me. I turned my wrist in her tight grip and grasped her wrist in return, then pulled on her arm. I pressed my lips close to her ear. Unable to hide my intense excitement, I whispered in detail about the bizarre experience in the private room.

Laughter burst out now and then as I explained what I had done to the man, unable to fully contain it. It felt like boasting about a long tale of adventure to a close friend, my insides churning so much.

“I’m telling you… He was really like a bug and so cute…”

“Wow, that bastard…”

Regina, who had been listening with her ear right up to my mouth, occasionally interjecting with “Mm, mm,” now glared at the room door behind me with an incredulous expression.

“I had no idea he was that kind of guy, since Angel never looked for him.”

“You mean the singing boy? Why him?”

“No, he specializes in that kind of thing.”

“Oh my.”

“I told you it was strange.”

“It’s not strange at all?”

When I suddenly turned serious, one of Regina’s eyebrows shot up. After looking at me for a moment, she smiled faintly.

“Ah, well, if you say so…”

Regina’s long, slender arm wrapped around my shoulder.

“Let’s go downstairs now, princess.”

I nestled into her side and looked up at her chin. A deep smile spread across her genial lips.

“Whether it’s luck or what, it’s more than enough that you’re safe for now. You said you were thirsty, right? I’ll buy you a drink as an apology.”

“As if one drink could make up for it. Buy me two.”

“Good grief.”

“You don’t want to?”

“You’re unbelievably bewitching. Looking at you, one would think you’d shed a tear and give your heart and soul if asked earnestly.”

“And you seem like you’d be shrewd in calculations, but you’re surprisingly bad at reading people. With such dull intuition, how can you properly sell your body?”

“I really want to kill you a little.”

As we turned the dark landing, Regina whispered heavily. It was an unexpected reaction, so I buried my face in Regina’s ample bosom and laughed like a madwoman. How would you kill me? Huh? I seemed to ask intermittently through my pressed lips.

Laughing for a long time, we reached the first floor. Just as we were about to take the last step, I wiped away the tears that had leaked out and was able to retort.

“Anyway, I did my part today too. Just like you all.”

How comforting those words were.

At some point that night, I had momentarily forgotten my initial purpose. No. Even if my lover, who might be thinking only of me, never knew of my misdeeds that night, it didn’t matter to me at all then. Because at that moment, I was enjoying myself.

I’ve never laughed so often in my life as I did then. It was truly delightful and funny. All those trivial adventures that night made my heart flutter so intensely.

I…

“…So how much was it.”

Suddenly. An incredibly tall shadow opened its mouth.

“Calculate it. You should collect your body’s price for today.”

It quietly urged, easily covering the heads of Regina and me standing on the stairs. I lifted my face from Regina’s chest. I looked up along the suddenly blocked view. A firm and delicate chest even over clothes, a pleasing neckline. A neat… chin.

“How much could I buy your body for?”

Above that, eyes like eternal snow….

“…Johannes.”

I unknowingly let out his name. Why? At that moment, my heart sank.