His gaze, staring at me as if to kill me, as I bared my chest in front of another man. His expression, seemingly moved after witnessing my raw desire to break and be broken with his whole body. His nails digging into the back of my knees breathlessly. His voice, pulling me down, delving deep inside.

“I’m sorry, Inette.”

Like the aftermath of climax.

“I’m… sorry….”

Those tears.

They are still vivid.

Still dizzying.

Kretzman. The only pillar that supported my lonely self for a lifetime was my chastity. It was infinitely small, not even as good as the embroidery needle in my hand, but I believed without a doubt that my pillar that pierced me would someday become a knife to save me, would become an excellent collateral to guarantee my worth. Six years.

It was a time relying on a single needle.

But how fleeting is life? My father, whom I had always feared and looked up to like divine punishment, finally did not give any recognition to the daughter who had fulfilled her role. My second husband, whom I held onto with a heart that cherished love and a bit of resentment, to become his tool again when I grew up more, gave me a half-freedom riddled with abuse, and all that….

It was because I wasn’t completely chaste.

In your eyes, how much did I regret? If I hadn’t bought the affection of a relative I never wanted. If I had endured a little more and played the role of a proper lady. Perhaps father and the old man of Indridason would have recognized my usefulness a little. And I would have stood upright.

In your eyes, how much of a resentful woman was I? Why, because of whom exactly did I become so twisted? How did I grow into a wife who couldn’t completely endure even a moment of discomfort or nullify all efforts? Johan, Johan, ah, my one and only love….

It’s all your fault.

But I knew. I wasn’t entirely unaware of another answer behind the resentment. That all the troubles I had to go through were not necessarily just Johan’s fault, I always….

Well, I was born with edges from the beginning and was always a child with corners without a moment’s pause. The voice of my twelve-year-old self that constantly urged and screamed at me must not have sprung from thin air without soil. That child is my twelve-year-old self that I cherished, raised, and nurtured. My prickly nature that easily harbors grudges must have been the nourishment that child ate to fullness. That child was evidence of my innate lack of virtue, my unchaste nature. I knew it.

But….

On that night.

When I completely exposed my split self like a saw in front of my love. It was then that I finally witnessed Johan’s hidden teeth, who had always seemed just like the sun.

That day, we fit together perfectly. I didn’t hide myself or try to grind myself into chastity. Rather, I revealed myself more sharply than usual. I even drew a knife. Nevertheless, Johan didn’t disgrace me or slap my cheek. Far from despising me, he grasped me with all his might with a more desperate gaze and claw-like body than ever before. At that time, he seemed to truly, desperately want even my twisted aspects. That was like a meteor impact to me.

You, you…!

Why are you doing this to me?

Apart from my resentment towards you, all the evil deeds you committed against me were actually things you were allowed to do. Even if our sins are the same, they’re different, right? You know that too, don’t you? So you could have cut me into pieces and chosen only the most delicious parts to swallow into your mouth. You didn’t need to try to accept me. So why.

Why.

“I love you.”

…..

It was ecstatic. I was happy. Although I had lived thinking I only wanted a foundation to stand on, not particularly desiring anyone’s affection. At that moment, with that one word, I realized my long-standing deficiency and shed tears like a person out of their mind. Ah, I hadn’t known…. That you wanted me as much as I, who was flawed from the beginning, needed you. That I was a person you needed. You, the wise one, sensed the future early on and loved me even before I did. The tragedy was all inevitable.

Johan.

I think I was actually lonely for a long time, to death. Now that I hear it, I understand. We were destined to resonate together and become one. The broken ‘things’ have finally come together today and become a complete life, and we siblings, who were only unhappy and unsettling from birth, have finally been reborn as complete humans…. You.

You like my edgy self, don’t you?

You want my stubborn self, don’t you?

You like it when I kick and scream like a wild, immature foal under your silent permission. You truly, tearfully wished for us to pretend we’re standing in the same place, pretend we’re equal, close our eyes, and remain alone in the black tower with everyone else driven away, to become each other’s predators and eat and be eaten. That’s why you’re delighted now. That’s why you loved me. You still love me now. Right? Hm? Johan. Please, answer me….

Yes. Yes. Yes….

With a body shaking as if going mad, Johan just lowered his face deeply and licked my tears. I love you. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Licking again and again, in the end, only his saliva remained damp on my eyes, and his tears fell, drip, drip, as if they were my own.

That ecstasy from the perfect fit of each other’s flaws was the ultimate climax and happiness that had come without me knowing. Now I have everything. There’s nothing more to wish for. At least I felt that way that day.

What about Johan?

…..

Looking back now, Kretzman. It seems that at that time, I was so intoxicated with the climax that I had forgotten the most important thing. I just ultimately wished for this miraculous moment to continue forever.

I kept walking with the night’s silence as my companion. When I turned to the front of the buildings the night watchman had pointed out, I could witness, without a moment to breathe, the sight of red lights descending in a line like a cluster of stars. The noise of night-beast-like traders and scantily clad women gathering in small groups suddenly enveloped my ears like a huge bubble. The riverside seemed to be such a place that had forgotten night.

I had thought I was well acquainted with the shabby appearance of free people from Alyona’s inn. However, that street was a sight beyond my imagination.

The damp moss smell, much worse than the musty air of the underground civil war. Like the watchtower I had seen at the entrance of the village, buildings precariously lined up on the crumbling riverbank, spaced only about an arm’s length apart, each with tattered laundry hanging on every wall. Those roughly fluttering in the wind looked like the banners of the free people. The free people, who filled the narrow path between the tightly packed buildings like buzzing insects, emitted a moldy smell worse than the moss on the riverbank. If it had been my former self, I wouldn’t have dared to squeeze in between them.

I rushed in immediately.

“Ha…!”

With eyes and mouth wide open, I looked up at the buildings about three stories high, and recklessly thrust my arms into the crowd, stirring it. Move aside, get out of the way…! I think I shouted that a few times without even checking in front. I passed by and naturally ignored the grumbling voices scattering from above my shoulders or head several times. I was simply excited like a boy leaving home for the first time, so nothing but the unfamiliar scenery reached me. There must have been at least a dozen pairs of eyes following me, though I didn’t know, and it would have been quite stinging even with my eyes closed normally. I don’t remember even the slightest feeling.

“You trash of a woman!”

What caught my distracted attention amidst the unfamiliar scenery was a sticky shout.

“I’ll throw you to the dogs at the laundry place!”

It seemed someone was performing some kind of ritual that night. I heard the sound of something soft yet solid being repeatedly beaten. Ah, ugh…. Even a woman’s long groan.

That.

It was a sound very familiar to my ears.

I lost my mind in an instant. It felt as if old man Indridason’s wrinkles were touching my eardrum. I made my way through the crowd at will. Between the heads and sparse chests swaying in front of my eyes, the back of a man plunging a club flickered. Stop it.

“Hey!”

I think a man guarding a street stall shouted at me. He seemed unable to chase me, likely to be pushed by the crowd. Yes. At some point, a wooden stick that might have been used as a stall support was firmly grasped in my hand.

I, today I’m going to hit you. I, today of all days, I’m going to kill you with my own hands. I don’t know how great that expectation was. Even as my vision was fixed on a single point and I could only see the head of the man holding the club, I think I smiled, stretching my lips long.

Haha…. Haha…! I laughed shallowly a few times. I felt like I might die from excitement that made my chest ache. Like someone entranced by a mirage, I walked briskly into the center of the circle formed by the spectators and.

Whack!

I struck down.

With the wooden stick firmly grasped in both hands, on the back of the man’s head. Mercilessly. So that the walls of that alley resonated with the sound of the impact. So much that no other sound could occupy my mind.

Fortunately or unfortunately, the decisive blow seemed to have hit the man’s head squarely. The man who fell forward with a strange sound, kkkuk, I firmly hurled my own curses at his back.

“Ah! Your appearance… now, truly, huh? It looks good. Ha.”

Being originally a person with very poor physical strength, even that single strong blow left me a bit out of breath.

“You… you… are a truly disgusting bastard. With just a long life… just like a sick donkey. How much better it would have been if you had died early and left the land.”

Panting like that and laughing heartily, I looked around the man’s head area. Because this time too, some stranger was truly kindly worrying about my mental state.

“…Are you crazy?”

“Huh?”

“Are you… mad…?”

“….”

“How… are you… going to… deal with… the consequences.”

I smiled gently and stared at the owner of the voice.

“Actually, I’ve never been this clear-headed in my life.”

I confessed very sincerely. The woman sitting on the mud looked up at me with blank eyes. I understand. You truly seem crazy. Her eyes seemed to tell me that. And somehow, I could clearly feel her presence only then. Ah. Come to think of it….

“You’re alive?”

Truly surprised and glad, a short exclamation came out involuntarily.

“How did you endure? I’m glad. I’m really glad. Come here.”

I reached out my arms towards the woman. However, she ignored the hand I extended. She glanced at the man who had fallen across her knees. Thanks to that, I could clearly observe at least her side profile.

The woman with her reddish-brown hair half-tied and half-loosely spread had swollen red-painted eyelids and cheeks. The blood that had flowed down from under her nose seemed to be already drying, and her shoulders and forearms, which must have desperately blocked the club beatings, were already bruised blue. I know, child. I know your wounds. I think I whispered softly like that, feeling overwhelmed alone.

“You should be glad. This bastard, it seems he’s still breathing.”

The woman seemed not to have heard my voice. She pressed the man’s temple gently as if picking up a bug, turned his head over slightly, and said. I, of course, gripped the wooden stick tighter.

“No. That’s not allowed.”

“What?”

“That he’s breathing. I don’t allow it.”

“Wait…!”

“Hup!”

“Wait, wait! Wait, wait!”

The woman, who had been looking somewhere beyond the spectators, suddenly stood up with surprising strength. She immediately rushed at me, who had raised both arms high as if to smash a stone coffin with a hammer. She pulled my forearm so strongly. I had to be dragged helplessly, making the force with which I had struck the man’s head seem insignificant.

Suddenly, the woman shouted.

“Run!”

I asked, bewildered and flustered while following her.

“How? There are so many people here?”

“Is this your first day or two? Just run, you crazy bitch!”

“Uh, huh? Johan…! Anyway, Johan! He’ll come!”

The back of the woman’s head, who was making her way well through the crowd, didn’t seem to have any mind to listen to others’ words. Due to my hurried flailing, the blood-stained wooden stick fell to the rough ground with a thud. There was no time to pick it up again. Behind our backs, as we hid into the crowd like two little mice, the shouts of some men resounded loudly.

“Catch them!”

Ah.

I looked pitifully at the woman’s hair swirling in front of me. So this child was worried about that. Really, there’s no need…. My vision seemed to have fully cleared only then. I could gradually feel the gazes of people, whom we tore apart as if ripping, diverging left and right, piercing my nape or spine. The paths, lights, smells, and noises that filled my surroundings began to enter my eyes and skin again from that moment. Everything around seemed like an intricately tangled net.

“Huh, huh…! Ha, ha!”

A strange wind sound came out of my mouth along with rough breathing as I ran. My expression, as I hunched my shoulders while being grabbed by the arm by a strange woman and hiding, must have been quite bizarre at that time. How many times am I running today? Even when faced with a situation where I didn’t need to flee, I found it very embarrassing and also somewhat amusing.

“Hey! Which house are you from?”

The woman looked back at me briefly as she ran into a deserted alley.

“What’s your name?”

Her eyes, which would clearly look quite sharp even without the elaborate makeup, somehow seemed very angry at me. I answered, panting excitedly.

“Bi, Bineta!”

“What?”

“Giovinetta!”