180.

“How can I possibly… the illusion that Mother saw….”

Johannes, who was climbing the stairs feeling irritated amidst his anxiety, suddenly stopped. An inexplicable chill ran down his spine. As the boy slowly turned his shoulder to look back at Griselda, a flushed redness of bewilderment spread thickly around his eyes.

“Did you perhaps forget something?”

Griselda wore a puzzled expression at the sudden attention. Johannes’ brow furrowed hotly. Even he did not know what clue had led him to such certainty, but he had not the slightest doubt that his judgment was correct.

This woman knows.

She knows that I am an ‘unqualified’ person. Chills, goosebumps rose.

“Don’t harbor presumptuous thoughts in that head of yours while pretending to be cautious and keeping your mouth shut.”

“…Pardon?”

Before rational calculation, his voice, low and sunken, burst out from between pale lips. As if unable to keep up with his sudden change, Griselda stared at him with a somewhat bewildered face.

Even in a gaze so fitting to the situation, there was a nonchalant aspect that an ordinary vassal could not show him. In fact, even the cold or indifferent looks she usually gave only to him were strangely less distant. Griselda had always been that way.

Like someone who shared a common secret, or someone who recognized a similar stain.

Yes, the term ‘long-estranged co-conspirator’ would be accurate. Her posture, her gaze, her attitude – all were expressions of contempt. She had been whispering to Johannes from afar all along.

You worm-like creature.

She had been staring at him with such an ashen light. He seemed to understand now. He felt he could comprehend even the shadows in his nurse’s eyes. Kretzman. The name of the ominous man flashed through Johannes’ mind.

At that moment, Johannes unconsciously steadied himself against the wall with one hand. His other hand, as if by habit, covered his eyes as his body swayed as if about to fall. His forehead buried deep into his palm. It was to suppress the uneasy flame licking at his insides. How many knew? Were there any in this fortress who did not know of his dark and ugly circumstance? And with what eyes they must have looked at him.

With only suspicions and unable to speak out rashly, his shoulders trembled uncontrollably.

“Young master Johannes.”

“Get away.”

Just before Griselda’s fingertips could touch Johannes’ shoulder, his gaze rose first. Over the hand he had slightly lowered, his ice-cold pupils stared directly at her. How dare she lay a hand on his body as if there was any affection? His anger reached its peak.

Intimate contact was only to be allowed with Inette. Only she had the right to comfort him. No, it wasn’t about rights. It was a matter of possibility and impossibility. Only she could do it. The very reason he left intact the wrist of his nurse, which he would have broken a hundred times over if it were up to his feelings alone, was all because of her.

A tense silence dripped thickly. Johannes, having composed himself, was the first to straighten his posture. He turned around again and took a deep breath. The lady’s chambers were right before him, weren’t they? Just a dozen more steps and he’d be there. He just had to endure. It wasn’t the time to lash out at everything that crossed his path.

“From your position, it must be disagreeable and make you shudder… but I happen to be Valdemar’s eldest son. What’s even more regrettable is that this situation will not change. So if you absolutely cannot hide your true feelings, at least control that look in your eyes. Moreover, I needn’t remind you that watching your words as well would be beneficial for your well-being. Please, mind your speech and behavior.”

Johannes admonished Griselda, gathering all of his patience. Had she understood his intentions? The nurse behind him was as silent as a stone. Unable to wait any longer, Johannes glanced over his shoulder. Griselda was watching him keenly, as if reading his moves.

“I don’t… understand your meaning.”

It was more a tone of subtly testing her counterpart than truly not knowing. At least, that’s how it sounded to Johannes. A bitter smile crossed his face. Did she think he would bring it up first just because she feigned ignorance?

“How could I possibly guess the illusion that Mother saw in her madness? Do I look out of my mind to you as well?”

“…I beg your pardon, young lord.”

Griselda, having received his smile with some bewilderment, immediately bowed deeply. After watching her for a moment, Johannes turned his head and hurried towards the lady’s chambers. His breath was all hot. The whole world seemed to be an interference. The few that weren’t interferences were contempt and hostility.

“Johan.”

“My Johannes.”

If he turned right at the end of this corridor, he would reach the chambers. The back view of Inette, whom he would soon face – whether it would be a punishment tinged with disgust or an affectionate reward – was vivid before his eyes. How he longed for the sympathy she would share with him after today, to the point of trembling. His nose stung. Her scent, the smell of herbs dried for a long time. Even her long hair that would gently nestle in his arms, along with her breath that would brush his cheek and reach his ear – he yearned for it all.

The muscles of his entire body tensed, constricting even his heart. He prayed shamelessly. Please accept this sight of him. With a heart on the verge of bursting, he turned the corner.

However, before his eyes was only the entrance to the chambers, unguarded by sentries. Not even the brass-decorated bolt was visible. Nor was there any trace of Inette.

As Johannes stood rooted to the spot, his eyes fixed on the chamber door, Griselda approached from behind.

“The young lady should be in the chapel by now. The Duchess gave her permission.”

“……”

…Mother.

His fists clenched involuntarily.

After watching Johannes lean back in the armchair placed at one end of the bed, Griselda gave a short bow and left the chambers. Only the mother and son remained.

The chambers where the sick lay were gloomy even in broad daylight. From within the fine-textured curtains hanging around the four-poster bed, deep, rasping breaths settled like humidity. Just before waking the Duchess, Johannes’ gaze kept fixing on the table to the left and the carpet and such.

Even knowing it was rude with his dying mother before him, he couldn’t help but be completely focused on his sister’s space, which he was seeing for the first time. Was it not his first entry into this forbidden area for men? The traces of her, remaining like moisture in a place where he had never been, where no other man’s traces existed, were all strange and wondrous. Even the sunlight pouring in like gold dust seemed to smell of woman. Heartbreakingly so.

The spinning wheel neatly placed in the shadowed part of the sun-lit window, and the bowl filled with spools of various colored threads, still seemed to hold his sister’s touch. When the wind blew, would your hair have scattered? It might have mixed with those wheel strings like gold thread, and no one would have noticed.

If it weren’t for that incident six years ago, Inette might have been sitting at the spinning wheel now, turning to smile at him. What brings you here at this hour? She would have brightened up, her eyes folding into long crescents.

I missed you.

She might have whispered. From his fist resting on the armrest to his forearm and shoulder, everything ached. The chapel. The chapel, you say…. Just as he was about to spring up and run out secretly,

“…You’ve come.”

The Duchess’s voice rang out from behind the curtain. She was still not visible. But Johannes, who had raised his head with a start, immediately stood up. It wasn’t out of genuine respect. It was merely an ingrained action. Quickly realizing his inhumane attitude, Johannes gave a brief, perfunctory bow to the faceless curtain. Unable to shake off thoughts of the chapel, he was inwardly restless, briefly thinking it would be fortunate if he didn’t receive an order to commit suicide on the spot. At least there would be no ugly situation of mother and son arguing over dying or not dying.

However, the Duchess’s following tone was unlike Johannes’ expectation.

“When I… was a maiden… I watched a spider that had made its home in a corner of my bedroom for a long time. I had tired of playing house, and that day all my siblings happened to be out, leaving me alone and bored.”

There was something unlike usual in the voice of the Duchess, who had hidden herself like a ghost. Johannes couldn’t understand his mother’s intentions. Suspicion clouded his gaze, which had been distractedly cold. Only then did he focus beyond the curtain. His nerves were subtly on edge. The Duchess continued.

“Spiders, you see, always lurk right in the center of their web. At that time, it looked just like a corpse with only the shell remaining. Being a creature without even cloth to its name, it didn’t even seem to breathe… There was no way to confirm life or death with the naked eye. When I, unable to bear it any longer, touched it with my fingertip, it flinched, and only then did I know it was alive, but barring any special trouble, it would remain just like a corpse until the sun set. Then… some foolish flying insect got caught in its web.”

“……”

“That’s when it came alive. When its prey frantically flapped its glass-like wings and rubbed its six legs together in frenzy. When it struggled to live. Then… it came alive.”

“……”

“The warp and weft that make up the spider web all pass through the center where the spider is crouched, so no matter how far away its prey is caught or how long it takes, it crawled precisely to that spot. It would inevitably capture it, wrap it in a vicious cocoon… and sink its venomous fangs into its belly.”

“……”

“My daughter… is finally leaving for the royal capital. I… felt like my last bit of strength left me only when I saw her crying sadly. As my strength left me like that, only then could I see my daughter crying again. I was completely dazed. At that moment, I felt an indescribable remorse and could not come to my senses at all. What… have I done to this child….”

Fire. Johannes realized. There was no fire.

The fervor that had seemed worse than madness, the passion for survival that had been selfishly hot. It could not be felt. Johannes was quietly bewildered. His eyes, which had been wavering under half-lowered eyelids, suddenly sank. Even so, didn’t she compare me to an eight-legged creature? Nothing had changed after all. A gloomy feeling rose, making the back of his neck stiff.

“That’s when I saw it…. Spider webs clinging to my neck and my daughter’s ankles… to the vassals of this fortress and every wall and ceiling of this fortress, even to a hairpin rolling in a jewelry box…. I didn’t see an illusion. Did I?”

“……”

“Did I?”

Johannes could not answer. He himself had never witnessed it even once. He had merely assumed it was a hallucination brought on by the Duchess’s madness. He had only understood the Duchess’s delusion to some extent, thinking that if a curse had a form, it would certainly look like chains. Amidst his resentful and complicated feelings, he felt a faint sympathy rising. It was uncomfortable. Johannes gritted his molars.

“Heir.”

“Yes.”

If she had nothing special to leave to him, he didn’t want to hear any more. For that reason, his gaze, unlike his polite response, shifted slightly outside the curtain. The Duchess whispered as if pleading.

“The insect caught in the spider web might have had a way to survive. By not moving at all. Like a corpse even more than the predator, as if it couldn’t see or feel the spider web entangled in its wings…. If it had let time pass until the web dried out completely and lost its stickiness, it might have been able to live. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

“It would starve to death before that.”

“Can’t you leave it be like that?”

“……”

“Rather…. Rather, can’t you leave it to starve to death?”

The curtain swayed as if swelling. A bony arm finally pushed aside the fabric and grabbed Johannes’ wrist.