#18
Johannes traced along my ear. Somewhere near the temples. Forehead. Between the bridge of the nose and under the eyes. And the line of the upper lip. His lips, which came fumbling like parting through a deep forest at night in a half-dream, finally found mine.
My chin was grasped. I spent a long time with Johannes in the chest. It was because I had trouble with him not wanting to let me go at all. Johannes looked visibly reluctant. He held me tight and wouldn’t let go. I was a little embarrassed, but my regretful feelings were no less than Johannes’.
Taking advantage of the moment when Griselda’s presence briefly left the room, I came out of the wardrobe alone. I left the chest feeling as if I was leaving my limbs cut off. I caught the tips of Johannes’ fingers through the closing door.
“When can we be together again?”
“Soon.”
“Promise.”
“Yes.”
“I don’t want to leave…”
“…I don’t want to let you go either.”
The indifferent object closed without gaps. The contact left no trace. I trudged over and sat on the edge of the bed. I stared blankly at my coffin standing beyond the thin curtain. The day was clear. The heat of the early morning with a wet heart was absurdly dazzling. My heated skin was hot, and my thorny insides ached.
With two people, the minutes that flowed hotly without words or sound were all hazy like that.
It shouldn’t have been like this.
I shouldn’t have held onto him.
At that time, when I became brutally aware of the fact that there was simply no more future, slicing through my eyelids like a razor, I was only violently devoted to soothing the immediate pain I faced.
The rotten blood smell that visits like a nightmare day and night without discrimination and has now become ingrained. The fishy smell of death that feels like suffocation. And “It’s an illusion,” if I had known that enduring the violent insides stirred up by your single word would be this terrible, I.
I would never have held onto Johannes.
***
“…Winfrid?”
Winfrid, who had been standing with his back to me at the entrance of the inner palace, jumped in surprise. He seemed to be genuinely startled.
“Oh my, you scared me…. Hey, make some noise, will you? Startling people.”
His sharp rebuke as he turned around was quite harsh. I retorted back just as sharply.
“That’s rich coming from you. Who’s in the position to be startled right now…. Why are you down in the inner palace? Are you crazy?”
Though my tone came out quite curt, I was inwardly very relieved. I had been uncomfortable and even somewhat afraid being alone near the stone coffin.
Not long after I left the wardrobe, a panicked Griselda burst in. Her neatly tied hair now disheveled, she looked quite pitiful. Where on earth have you been, she said the guards didn’t know either and she thought she was going to die of fright. She even went so far as to scold me, which was unlike her.
I placated her with the flimsy excuse that I was just playing a prank out of boredom, but she didn’t seem to really believe it. Still, she more or less accepted it. You’d better not visit the chapel today, she told me after briefly adjusting her clothes.
What could this mean? I was taken aback and asked for the reason, as I absolutely had to go. Griselda hesitated to speak at first. After my urging, she finally opened her mouth, saying she was worried about all the accidents happening lately inside and outside, and delivered some shocking news.
She said the priests had gone missing. They were the ones in charge of Johannes’ exorcism.
It felt as if my heated heart was being roughly cut. From the severed part, I spewed thick ice in waves. For no good reason, I immediately thought of death. Johannes. I had to forcefully suppress my gaze that wanted to turn towards the wardrobe on its own.
Where was it they found my ex-husband’s heart again? No, where was it they found it? A stream of denial suddenly burst open. My head was all abuzz with thoughts swirling like waves of dark water.
The damp sensation of the blanket reddened from blood and the metallic smell that had vibrated on the bed suddenly came rushing back.
No.
I shook my head. I didn’t want to think any further, not knowing what else might come unraveling after. The sensations I had buried so deep that even I couldn’t unearth them rose up hazily like dust, but it wasn’t so difficult to ignore my own denial. The dust, as always, settled easily.
I gave up on the chapel. It was bound to be in disarray anyway, and on top of that, the household members who discovered Johannes’ absence while trying to deliver the bad news were probably in an uproar. My body and mind, having gone through all sorts of things overnight, were overwhelmed enough without actively joining that crowd.
In the end, I left the bedroom with no particular plan. I had to make time for Johannes to return. After erasing myself, all that remained was that shallow anxiety.
Walking in the empty space in front of the fortress was burdensome with my feverish body, so I headed for the inner palace. Though that place with the stone coffin was the space I most wanted to avoid, I had no other place to stay.
I left the guards and Griselda behind at the underground entrance. The dim underground passage lit by unextinguished torches was cool. It was my first visit since breaking the stone coffin. Though I didn’t think there would be a devil there, I still couldn’t easily shake off the ominous feeling. The fire shadows were gloomy like a shroud.
And just as I was reaching the entrance to the inner palace, I discovered Winfrid loitering with a torch. Even with his eccentric personality, he must have hesitated to set foot in this restricted area normally only accessible to court ladies. But my nagging was followed by that child’s audacity.
“It’s not like your ruffian madness is anything new. I’ll leave soon enough, so mind your own business.”
“Goodness… Just listen to how this child talks.”
“What.”
Winfrid rolled his eyes shamelessly. He was a child who already regarded his elder sister as nothing more than a noisy chatterbox. He must have had the mindset of going through with it now that he’d been caught anyway, since I was that easy on him and his intentions were as transparent as a water bowl. Even in my pain, a sharp rebuke naturally came out.
“You don’t seem to be in your right mind. And you’re the one who needs to leave… whether I do my business or not.”
“What on earth are you trying to do alone in this empty inner palace to be pestering people like this? What. Are you planning to dance by yourself here?”
Winfrid furrowed his brow slightly and sneered with irritation. It felt like that irritation was transferring to me. With even fatigue that wasn’t mine seeming to rush in, my head felt like it was about to burst, and I had to press hard on my throbbing temples.
“Your elder sister… is currently… a bit indisposed. Let’s not make a big deal… What on earth did you come down here for?”
Having no particular purpose other than sitting down to rest, I asked back sourly.
“Me, that.”
And Winfrid pointed inside the inner palace, saying regretfully. Where his fingertip was pointing….
“It’s all broken.”
There was the stone coffin. I immediately widened my eyes. It felt like my heart, which had already been sufficiently crushed, was sinking. Why are you looking at that?
“So… it is….”
“You’ve been in and out so much and didn’t know until now?”
“…I wasn’t interested.”
I carefully replied while trying to hide my anxious look. Winfrid gave me a dubious glance.
“It wasn’t you who broke it, was it?”
“I said I wasn’t interested.”
I cut him off. It was a firmness that hurt myself. Though I wanted to leave immediately, I was just enduring because I couldn’t guess what Winfrid might do. Making a doubtful sound, “Hmm,” Winfrid pressed me again.
“But you looked inside, right?”
“No. It’s scary.”
That was the truth. Winfrid glanced at me once with disbelieving eyes, then started walking into the inner palace with heavy steps. The place he headed straight for was, sadly but predictably, the stone coffin. I barely managed to follow his back as he hung the torch on the remaining bracket with my heavy body.
“What… what are you doing?”
“It’s already broken, might as well take a look.”
“Wi-Winfrid!”
Unable to go near the stone coffin, I called out to him from several steps away. Winfrid unhesitatingly cleared away the broken stone slabs. As the damp stone fragments poured out with a rumble, the dust that rose hazily settled to the floor like dirty waves.
“It’s empty? …Well well. This one too?”
Among the randomly placed stone coffins, the one he checked first was not the one I had broken. My coffin, my sin was in the innermost part. Winfrid strode in there. The closer the distance between us became, the more my throat seemed to tighten as well.
“Damn it….”
Winfrid, crouching next to the last coffin, spat out a short curse. For someone with weak arms like him, lifting the heavy stone slabs several times seemed quite arduous.
Winfrid pushed the broken stone slab to the side only after catching his breath. With a rumble, the guilt I had tried to bury alone collapsed, subtly pressuring me. Because of that, I almost stumbled from my spot. I wanted to stop Winfrid right away, telling him to quit this unnecessary exploration.
“What’s… this now.”
“Wh-What? What is it?”
With his face buried in the coffin, Winfrid didn’t even glance at me. He just held up something he had pulled out from his waistband, and it reflected yellow in the torchlight. It was a dagger. The slightly short blade for a dagger looked familiar.
“Wait, Winfrid!”
Winfrid, who was about to rummage inside the coffin, turned to look at me hesitantly. Though his eyes were clearly annoyed, I didn’t mind. Just thinking I might be able to buy even a little time, I hurriedly asked.
“Isn’t that my knife?”
“Huh?”
“Let me… see it.”
Winfrid raised one eyebrow, pausing. He put his empty hand to his chest. Though I couldn’t hear clearly, he seemed to be grumbling something to himself, like saying it’s nonsense or whatnot.
Ignoring Winfrid’s mumbling completely, I sat down. I could no longer handle my feverish body. And then, without warning, the sheathed dagger suddenly flew over. I groaned as I stretched out my weakened arm to pick up the dagger that had fallen in front of me.
At first I thought it wasn’t mine. Because the scabbard was unfamiliar. A scabbard with no decorations, not even a common pattern or crest engraved. But I was quite surprised at how well-maintained it was. It looked completely new, as if it had just been taken out of the mold and cooled.
As I gently drew the blade, there was a clear sound that even I, completely ignorant about swords, could hear. From the unfamiliar scabbard, the familiar blade was smoothly pulled out. The milky white blade with delicate rose vines engraved was certainly mine.
“Oh my… It really is my knife.”
“What?”
Winfrid exclaimed, springing to his feet.
“That… that was yours?”
It was a voice unable to hide his shock. I was rather taken aback by the violent reaction of that child who rarely shows surprise due to his cold nature in everything.
An Indifferent Woman is the One Men Desire the Most
One-line summary: The female lead is actually cold-hearted and extremely rational. She has stage-by-stage relationships and won’t two-time, but there will always be someone who secretly likes her.
This novel has the following triggers, so if you’re sensitive to these, please don’t read:
1. The female lead has had many relationships, but she treated each one seriously and broke up properly.
It’s just that the men unilaterally pestered her incessantly. For the female lead, when she doesn’t like someone anymore, she simply doesn’t like them.
(This applies to her relationships with Male Lead 1, 2, 3, and 4 as well, but she’s loyal in each 1-on-1 relationship!)
2. In this novel, Male Lead 2 and the female lead kiss in a car, and Male Lead 1 sees it and beats up Male Lead 2.
The female lead calls the police and sends both Male Lead 1 and 2 to the police station! Male Lead 1 begs the female lead not to break up with him.
3. Male Lead 1 has a gentle appearance but an obsessive personality.
Male Lead 2 has a delicate and soft appearance, slightly green tea-like (two-faced).
Male Lead 3 is a youthful college student and a smart person who has secretly liked the female lead for a long time.
Male Lead 4 is the female lead’s father’s special assistant, a business elite with deep, hidden thoughts.
4. At the beginning of this novel, the female lead has already broken up with Male Lead 1 (Chapter 4) and gotten back together with Male Lead 2 (ex-boyfriend).
5. Enter with caution if you have triggers!!!
