171.

Johannes pressed his face against Inette’s solar plexus area, as if believing he could distance himself from the void below. Hold me. He seemed to plead. More…. Hold me more. Grab me. Don’t let go. Please. He kept moaning as if in pain. Though it was more like talking to himself, as he didn’t wait for an answer.

How could she embrace him any tighter? Inette seemed to lament. Struggling to respond to his demand, she grasped his hair tightly with her small hand, yet still looked troubled. He clung to her so fiercely.

Breath like night mist flows continuously between Johannes’ pale lips, goosebumps rising. It collides with Inette’s nightgown, then spreads back over his lips and philtrum. And on Inette’s nightgown too. Because of this, the thin fabric of the nightgown near his mouth absorbed moisture, clinging to her soft belly.

As he pressed his face against her desperately, he glimpsed that it was transparent. If it had been moonlit, her skin beneath would have shone like the far side of the moon. As that thought occurred, what arose like wildfire was the instinct to live. I must reach there. I, I must reach there….

Finally, he pressed and rubbed his entire face, his lips, against the damp spot on the nightgown. He looked just like someone bound limb and limb, frantically biting and licking their lifeline with the only free part – their mouth. Could I burrow into your womb and curl up if I do this? Such was his rough desire. He was truly poised to burrow in. His eyes were distant, all reason crumbled by fear – he was an orphan with only his body movements alive. But sadly, even a single layer of fabric like a lunar halo was an insurmountable barrier Johannes could never tear through.

“Johan, Johan…. Stop it. Stop.”

Inette restrained him.

Unable to withstand the pressure from front and back any longer, Inette finally let out a choked “Ugh…” sound. Not content with just that, she yanked Johannes’ hair like tightening reins. It was quite a violent restraint, causing Johannes’ head to tilt back. It happened without warning. The siblings’ gazes collided in midair. A gasping sound erupted from Johannes’ throat as his face was unintentionally lifted. Startled by the sound, Inette immediately spread her fingers wide, but Johannes’ movement stopped abruptly. He froze instantly, neck bent to its limit, still embracing Inette – to an uncanny degree for those watching. Thud. He was now motionless. Like a person who had just died, he only stared with bulging eyes, even the groans that had been unceasing until now gone. It was a silence as if the energy radiating in all directions had exploded in midair.

“S-sorry!”

Inette, seeming unintentional, apologized first. Her opened hand hesitated as it came down, then returned to lightly rest on his hair. Even at that moment, Johannes remained motionless. His gaze fixed on Inette’s eyes did not move.

“Does it hurt? Are you okay?”

Silence.

“I’m sorry. Really, I was really suffocating…. What should I do? It hurts, doesn’t it, Johan?”

Silence.

“Johan. Say something.”

And again, silence. Biting her lip with an awkward and anxious look, Inette finally glanced away from Johannes.

“…It’s not just my fault, you know.”

“……”

“Since we’re on the subject, you… your moods have been boiling like porridge today. Happy one moment, angry the next, then sulking…. And now what are you manhandling so much?”

She asked quietly, glancing at him amidst it all.

“I-isn’t this… enough already?”

Johannes did not answer. No, in truth, he had no capacity to answer. Because the moment his face separated from Inette’s lower body, his mind had completely shipwrecked.

His own body felt strange.

His vision was clearer than ever. The view of the bedroom with Inette at its center was still dark. The sparse, half-melted objects were like hellish lava flowing through the dark air. It was visible with unusual clarity. But all the nerves in his entire body stood on end and gathered inside him. Through his frozen eardrums, he could feel the blood flow whirling inside. Black blood was overflowing like a river. From the bottom of the splashing waves, the membrane encasing his ‘monstrosity’ was revealed.

It was the placenta.

This body is changing.

Goosebumps rose along Johannes’ spine with a shudder.

“I-Inette….”

“Yes.”

Please don’t run away. The plea couldn’t quite emerge as sound. It was trapped in his throat.

Johannes barely managed to clench his jaw with all his might to keep his molars from clattering due to the transformed fear. There was no pain like his spine breaking as before. However, it felt like if he took even one wrong breath, this body would become uncontrollable, and that intense premonition was a greater terror than pain.

He hesitantly, gradually removed his hands from Inette’s waist as she waited for him with a puzzled look. He blinked unconsciously. Once. Twice. He felt the placenta torn from inside him flow down under his eyelids, covering his eyeballs like the inner membrane of an aquatic creature. No. Not ‘like’ an inner membrane. It was precisely that, an inner membrane.

Within eyelids that opened humanly like his sister’s, only that translucent inner membrane blinked. Then blinked again. It covered and uncovered regardless of his will, according to the outside air. No… No. Johannes covered his face with both hands as if startled. Inette asked “What’s wrong?” but he had no leisure to answer.

From the inside of his stomach to his shoulders and tightly clenched jaw, he trembled all over. Fortunately, or unfortunately, with the surroundings so dark now, Inette probably hadn’t witnessed the inside of his eyelids. Ah, at least she showed no signs of running away.

All his nerves were like needle points. It felt like he could count even a single speck of dust floating in the air like a grain of sand. Even Inette’s heartbeat as she stood at a distance. Thump. Thump. Thump…. Her vibrations were steady and slow. She wasn’t startled at all. Heaven had helped.

Johannes barely managed to swallow dryly. First, let’s send this child away, he thought, so she won’t see this state…. Gathering all his strength, he parted his lips again.

“Inet…”

And what stopped his lips was a question.

He thought with a mind as pale as a blank sheet. Whether this wasn’t truly a useless resistance. Do I… do I really need to struggle desperately to preserve the face of Johannes Valdemar?

‘In any form,’ I’ll end up being abandoned anyway.

Leave on your own.

A cruel ringing finally sounded in his mind, overcome by anxiety and fear.

“It’s funny. I’m the one actually confined, but looking at how you’re acting now, it seems like you’re the one who’s been locked up longer.”

Sighing at that moment, Inette seemed unaware of his cornered state.

“Really… I never dreamed you’d feel so hurt, not even in my wildest imagination.”

“…Hurt?”

“Yes.”

She nodded very simply.

“Don’t tell me I’ve misjudged. This is exactly how you look today. That’s why you’re acting so unlike yourself even now. Clinging like a child… Even twisting my wrist earlier was because you felt hurt, right? Since I’m not completely oblivious to your feelings, I tried to overlook it gracefully….”

“……”

“Yes. I… I overlooked it gracefully.”

Had she regretted bringing up something uncomfortable to mention? Inette’s voice suddenly wavered. After a brief, awkward silence where only she seemed out of place. She added a beat late, as if joking.

“You probably had no idea, right? Aren’t I so mature?”

“……”

“So please… be grateful for your sister’s character.”

And with that, she closed her mouth tightly while pretending to put on a proud expression. Hurt? Johannes hesitantly raised his head and cast his gaze toward her eyes. Inette had slightly turned her reddened cheeks to the side, as if embarrassed. …Hurt? Hurt?

How can a woman… grow up to be so dull? What did I expect from your nature?

A shallow groan that no longer sounded human escaped from under his eyes, which were wide with shock. So her awkward attitude didn’t even reach his eyes. You don’t resemble ‘that woman’ who trembled sensitively to her own sins at all…. That’s why I thought I could trust you. Why… is the result no different from before?

That sentiment of asking out of fear bordering on terror felt like frost clinging to his heart.

Leave on your own.

Yes. In fact, that woman was different from his sister. That woman left even the farewell up to him to decide. Knowing full well that Johannes, no, Idris was in no position to choose, she was so irresponsible. She was a woman of different quality and color from his current sister, who is leaving of her own accord. Moreover, his current position is not just reversed, but completely different from the past. Neither the positions nor the relationship of the two are anything like they were back then. It’s as if….

Johannes has taken Xavier’s place.

At a time when everything is so different, there was only one fact that remained unchanged. He is the one left behind. The one left behind. The fact that he himself is the one abandoned. So he couldn’t help but ask. Why not me? How is this face of mine different from your Xavier of the past? What exactly is the reason you don’t consider me… Why… even in this life, you abandon me….

Did you not love your brother’s form?

His instinct-driven mind, pushed to the brink, naturally recalled the past. The image of the woman with blue eyes came to mind – sitting neatly beside Xavier, who had been revived like a soulless doll, whispering in his ear to wield the sword, watching with a gentle face as Xavier massacred and subjugated the south-central continent, using the southern fortress that had been like a beggar’s den as a foothold. That. It was a past he had only just remembered anew in that moment that night. It was unbearable.

The dagger stuck in the nape of Xavier’s neck like a flag came to mind. That dagger was surely a flag engraved with instinctive revenge for years of abuse, neglect, and contempt. If there was any difference between Xavier and Johannes himself, that was the only one. The fear that resonated through his entire spine felt chilling, as if it were some kind of climax. What should I do? Inette. I… should never have been kind to you for even a moment.

Like Xavier.

“You… have misjudged me.”

His voice trembled at the end.

“I have?”

There was a sound of Inette tilting her head. Johannes barely managed to lift his head to look up at her. His eyes, backlit, were shadowy. Within them, Johannes had eyes like those of an animal on the verge of death. He bit his pale blue lower lip. His eyes squeezed shut. Even a dying groan like “Mmm…” escaped for a moment. He looked like someone desperately holding back a scream that was about to burst out. After a brief silence. He muttered disjointedly.

“Yes…. You’ve misjudged me terribly. I’ve… always. Without exception. Been a weak… and at times even petty bastard….”

“Where did you get such nonsense? Who do you think you are?”

Inette, utterly failing to read his state, laughed all too easily. But on his deafened eardrums, only a desire close to survival instinct clung like an alarm bell. Johannes did not yet know the name of that desire.

A desire that seemed like Idris’ anger he had often felt since he was even younger, or like lust. But a desire that had lost even minimal warmth and could no longer be called human. Johannes wanted to dismember Inette. He wished he could hold her blood in his mouth.

After all those years, coming full circle. In the end, you’re a woman who can only receive bitter anger or terrible evil deeds. A woman who only allows closeness through such methods. The monologue in his mind was as horrifying as a corpse seen for the first time. No.

It was like a murderer.

“What, what should I do? What should I do… Inette.”

“About what?”

“You, that is… before this night is over, you must soothe me. Me….”

“Hmm…?”

“Ah, that’s the only….”

So that I, this me, can save you without killing you….

So that you can survive.

His shoulders drooped as if bending, as he muttered barely audibly. His trembling arms, like aspen leaves, lowered further… fumbling, fumbling, hooking behind Inette’s knees and buttocks. The tremors in his fingertips lightly shook the hem of her nightgown. He simply could not control himself.

“You, stay the night today.”

Johannes lifted Inette up.