151.

A dizziness that made his vision blur momentarily overwhelmed him. He lay face down, barely raising his upper body and shaking his head for a moment. Only after shaking it off once did his vision finally clear.

“…Alright, put the pillow away now. Let me see your face.”

Johannes, who quickly composed himself, gently tapped Giovinetta’s pillowcase. Giovinetta shook her head quickly from under the pillow.

“No. I’ll end up laughing really loudly, what if the sound leaks out?”

“Too much worry becomes a sickness…. You know that even if you laugh out loud here, it won’t reach the ears of the guards three floors up.”

“Ah.”

Giovinetta let out a short exclamation from under the pillow, as if she hadn’t thought that far. Perhaps she had grown accustomed to confinement over the past year. Now it seemed she couldn’t even quickly recall a space without eyes and ears. Johannes quietly gazed at her slender body, with only her face covered by the square pillow, waiting for her to calm down. He was no longer burying his face in her shoulder. He refrained from touching her body as much as possible. However, his low urging that followed was almost like a temptation.

“Hmm? What are you doing, Giovinetta?”

“……”

“You should laugh for me….”

Johannes barely managed to suppress a breath that seemed about to turn into a pant in front of Giovinetta.

He wanted to bite, actually. He wanted to gently bite her skin all over. Lying face to face right next to her, he even wanted to take a mouthful of Giovinetta’s nightgown that kept touching his lips. He was so frustrated, wanting to bite even the flesh of the woman from the past who had caused this situation. Unbeknownst to the innocent girl, the boy pretending to be sane but actually losing his reason was secretly burning up inside.

“I was wrong…. Forgive me…. I… wasn’t just happy either…. I just… couldn’t control myself…. Before I knew it…. I wasn’t happy….”

He will no longer understand the wicked girl sobbing while gripping the bars. He will grab her throat on this night.

“If those words are sincere, then you must atone to me.”

With this firm rejection, he adds a new weight to the tilted scale between the two. Thus, Johannes intended to correct the imbalance caused by his misjudgment in the past and calm his boiling heart. He doesn’t yet know what expression she will make upon sensing this unprecedented weight. But even with just vague fantasies, his body was heating up unbearably.

He will continue to declare.

“You probably thought that confessing your affection and asking for forgiveness would be enough to cover your sins against me, who has nowhere else to go.”

“……”

“Not at all.”

“……”

“You are truly cruel…. Of course you were cruel when you boldly ordered the iron to be heated, and when you silently smiled as Xavier burned my shoulder in your place, with the smell of burning flesh filling the air… but the moment you felt truly cruel to me was at a different time.”

“……”

“You hesitated, just for a moment.”

“……”

“I remember. When our eyes met as I begged you with just my gaze, unable to endure any longer, you flinched and averted your eyes… as if trying to suppress your excitement belatedly… but as if you couldn’t hold back the climax rising from deep within, you ended up laughing again. Ah, that… was crueler to me than anything else.”

“……”

“Seeing that momentary hesitation, I knew. That your confession of caring for me wasn’t entirely a lie. That it was… sincere….”

“……”

“My feelings at that time, when I was too weak to even resent you who were evil, and rather wished to die together like this….”

“……”

“I wonder… if you know.”

If he tightens his grip through the bars, the girl will grasp his wrists with both hands and let out a choked breath between her lips. When the girl trembling and saying, I’m sorry… I’m sorry, Johannes, finally reaches the point of suffocation and collapses exhausted on the floor, he will release his grip for a moment and walk out of the cage to crouch beside her. Today’s iron cage would surely open on its own, even without Xavier’s permission or key. He grabs the collapsed girl’s collar again. The girl’s cowardly terrified gaze follows his movements timidly before widening in shock.

“There’s no way you could know.”

He whispers.

“So, Giovinetta. Let’s do things differently now. During the day, in front of others, you can cruelly reign as the master of the dog that is me, but at night, when no one else is around, you can become my dog alone….”

“……”

“That’s how you will atone to me…!”

He recklessly knocks down the terrified, struggling girl into the mud. Amidst the golden strands scattered over the muddy water, he bites out words as if mounting her wet ear.

“You don’t know.”

“……”

“The day I was saved by you, I never expected that I would once again have to suppress my anger and myself. Whether that habit has become the bone that builds me up or the chain that binds me, even in this era, I can only shudder with resentment, unable to even die recklessly.”

“……”

“Back then and even now… in the end, I crumbled because I couldn’t have you, and again… I’m crumbling….”

“……”

“So atone. Since you were the one who asked first, you should be able to endure this undying resentment…. Let’s settle our ill-fated relationship like this.”

“……”

“Why can’t you answer, when you asked for forgiveness…. Surely you didn’t intend to seek forgiveness with just words? Am I, like this, a new terror to you?”

“……”

“Don’t be too afraid of me… Giovinetta. I am.”

“……”

“I am… Inette. After all… every single hair on my body belongs to you, doesn’t it…?”

She will shake her head as if shuddering. Forgive me, forgive me… she will moan as if truly afraid, pouring tears into his mouth. And with the dawn, she will bloom again as a languid queen, torturing him with distant glances mixed among the crowd. Once again.

Yes. Even if she learns anew of the night to come when she will crawl at his feet and apologize for the day, she will never be able to change her wicked nature. Suffer more, suffer more for my unhappy self, Idris, she will say. As if unable to contain this joy, she will cover her lips desperately as sincere laughter pours out, crying and laughing at the same time. Ah…! What should I do! What should I do, Johannes…. I’m still trembling with delight, I keep wanting to laugh…. I can’t control this sense of liberation….

Why does your mixed face, smiling brightly like diseased tears, always look like a white flower despite everything….

The fact that he unknowingly called out to his sister at the very end, even while fantasizing just like Idris, must be Johannes’ own thirst. However, Johannes deliberately ignored this. Ah, everything is too dizzy to see clearly anyway. His vision is just pitch black and miserable.

“Giovinetta.”

“……”

“…Smile like before.”

He was unaware of how much his voice had melted as he urged her, enduring the vision pounding like a heartbeat. He was so resigned, willingly resonating with the devil’s vibrations. It was as if two consciousnesses were mixed without boundaries, like water added to alcohol.

The usual pain was absent here all the same. There was no small rebellion, no ups and downs. Even the strange feeling of lightness in his limbs might have been due to the sound of rain outside, wetly soaking the deathly quiet night of the Gustavus estate.

Ah, I don’t know, he thought.

Whether this place is that place. When this time is. Who he is. He doesn’t even know exactly what this situation is. So even the relationship of a young sister who left her chamber after a year and the brother welcoming her seemed like some false play or child’s game to him now. Just, today I will finally set right our improper lovers’ relationship. He intended to dig up every sin as far down as possible, to the very bottom of the soul. If there was a bottom even at the bottom he had finally reached, he would go there. Ah, into her mind.

But he had to be patient. After all, this night shouldn’t end as a momentary disaster for her. He would strangle her at the moment when she was happiest. Imagining the sensation of skin pressed under his grip, he had to hold his breath as his mind and vision flickered like a crimson veil, on the verge of bursting.

And only then did Giovinetta rustle, wiggling her fingers pressing the pillow. She gently lifted the pillow and gazed at Johannes with softly curved eyes.

“You keep telling me to laugh… I just realized.”

“What?”

“That I had no reason to laugh before today.”

At that answer, Johannes’ breathing lowered slightly.

I don’t laugh because there’s nothing to laugh about. It was a familiar answer. But Giovinetta’s eyes seemed somehow different from what he knew. He quietly hid his somewhat puzzled expression as he carefully scrutinized her gaze. There was no worn-out gravestone reflected in her pupils now. Just a clear blue that allowed a glimpse inside. Was it his imagination? His mouth felt a little bitter.

“You don’t know.”

Suddenly Giovinetta asked.

“…What?”

Johannes pretended to calmly ask back.

“About mother.”

“……”

“She’s really out of her mind. I’m telling you, I’ve never seen such a nasty-looking mad woman in my life….”

Johannes ended up giving a slightly dejected smile. He felt somehow relieved at the sight of Giovinetta in her young girl’s body, boldly criticizing her own unfortunate mother based on her age. Yes, you are this kind of woman.

Giovinetta’s eyebrows were already deeply furrowed under the slightly lifted pillow. Even thinking back in this space with just the two of them, it seemed to stir up internal conflict anew. Even her furrowed brow, unable to contain her anger, is this beautiful. Johannes swallowed dryly, imagining the face that would endlessly shed painful tears under that brow.

“…How has she been lately?”

Johannes tilted his head onto Giovinetta’s pillow. With one arm around her waist, and the hand supporting his body habitually fiddling with her shoulder, he looked ready to burrow under the pillow at any moment and press his breath against her nose bridge.