144.

Despite the friendly smile, he did not have a boyish impression at all. His nonchalant attitude of casually pulling up a flimsy wooden chair and sitting down while keeping me standing in a secluded open space was a bland smile like that of a defeated warrior watching children play.

He was like that even in the moments when he mercilessly pressed down on my often disobedient back with the blunt end of his scabbard or crushed my legs. However, it was quiet. The color that could be called neither light nor darkness was unmistakably the ordinary blue of a human gazing at objects, which rather gave me chills. Whether fortunate or unfortunate, the price of my humiliating submission was supplies needed for my family. Xavier proposed first.

“I can promise that much generosity. When sending supplies, I’ll pay the price in front of you. Then you can feel at ease, right?”

“……”

“Hey, why do you look like you’re contemplating? Calculate it well. You should understand by now that you can’t escape from here. In this situation, wouldn’t it be better to submit obediently and take fewer lashes? Besides, it’s beneficial for your ignorant family, and my sister can be happy too. All of this can be achieved if you just behave well. Ah… This is… It’s clearly a proposal where only I lose out… Don’t you think?”

To be honest, I hesitated at first. It was reassuring that I, who had nothing, could pay for food for my family, but that payment was my minimal treatment as a human? I couldn’t readily accept it. However, my comrades. I didn’t have the strength to resist the dozen or so comrades who, with grinning faces, pinned my limbs to the ground, expecting my voluntary submission. I gritted my teeth. Though my feelings were utterly miserable, I had no choice.

I consoled myself. This was the best option. My family’s stability was enough for me. Yes, wasn’t that the purpose of coming here in the first place? You, you just need to do your best.

It was a misjudgment.

At that time, I didn’t know. How difficult it is for a human who has started to break once not to break again. How miraculous such a thing is.

“Elder brother.”

“……”

“Elder brother. Why are you doing this….”

“……”

After accepting Xavier’s non-proposal proposal, the food, clothing, and shelter given to me were thoroughly on par with those of a dog. For instance, something like my personal space. I was evicted from the shared dormitory where I had been assigned a drafty, remote spot. A metal-barred cage next to the slaughterhouse became my new private room.

I was locked up as is.

That cage, originally meant for temporary storage of sheep or goats, was severely lacking in space even if a human body was folded in half. A cage where I couldn’t even stretch my limbs. Crumpled into that cramped prison, I spent desolate nights shivering, with my neck sharply bent, chin pressed against my knees.

With the metal bars pressing down on my shoulders, arms, and back, all my muscles were strained, making it nearly impossible to fall asleep. My teeth often chattered as I endured thirst and cold. However, this was the most bearable treatment I received. In the darkness far away, where even eyes couldn’t reach, where only the guards’ torches scattered eerie sparks….

At least, there were no mocking gazes.

The stench of iron.

I remember the smell of blood from sheep, chickens, or horses on the verge of death, and the slaughtered beasts that permeated the area around the slaughterhouse until late at night. Sewage mixed with blood flowed along the ditch beside the iron cage, and the carcasses of beasts given to me as meals rotted overnight, forming a grave at my feet.

On nights when wolves howled. A dog destined to be slaughtered in the near future was my only neighbor. Its flattened eyes. It stared at me every night. Those melancholic black eyes seemed to ask me. You’re no different from me, are you? Why didn’t you listen to your father earlier? Even though such a wretched gaze and the night of rotting corpses pricked my skin, well.

The nights were rather bearable.

“Stand.”

“Fetch.”

“Wait.”

“Eat.”

Xavier ordered me. Every time I knelt, stood, or turned in front of Xavier, I was completely naked. Not only did I lack clothes appropriate for the season, but I couldn’t even wear a piece of cloth to cover my private parts. According to Xavier’s colorless and odorless explanation, it was because a ‘dog’ doesn’t need clothing.

I hurriedly curled up my body. The breeze passing between my bare thighs and groin was so shameful that I felt I could faint right then. Xavier’s comrades, who held my limbs and watched my naked form, pretended to act like adults, saying “Look at this guy” and laughing heartily, while Xavier just had a slow smile.

“Indeed, walking around exposed like this is more dog-like, so it’ll be more comfortable and pleasing for our sister to see in the future.”

Xavier muttered indifferently.

“Hey, you cruel bastard.”

Among the boys who had formed a circle around me, trapping me in the center, I saw the one who had initially captured me sticking out his tongue at Xavier. That guy, with his exceptionally outstanding physique and strength, naturally acted as the leader.

As if his sigh was spreading, the gazes of the other comrades watching Xavier began to change. Xavier, who had been something of a second-in-command advisor until then, despite his decent build but not-so-good health, had thus elevated his cruel status after taking me over from the leader-like boy.

I declare.

Xavier must have known about that subtle change. I didn’t forget the satisfied smile he showed on his face for the first and last time. So perhaps the ‘gift for his sister’ was just an excuse. I might have been an unexpected kind of tool for him. It might have all been a ploy for himself, who had been in an ambiguous position in that disorderly fortress.

And in broad daylight.

“I’ve devised a new training because it’s amusing to see you showing shame in a way that’s not dog-like when I left you naked.”

Xavier said.

“Hm? Why are you looking so scared? Why are you so frozen? Is this such a big deal? Why don’t you relax?”

Xavier, now fully occupying the center among his comrades, walking ahead and behind, glances down at me. However, even that gentle explanation was unmistakably intended to confirm my defeat. I bowed my head deeply as I crawled on my knees, following Xavier’s heels among the boys I had once tried to trust as sincere comrades, trembling through the corridor.

A naked body without even a single piece of underwear.

Exposed completely naked in front of dozens of gazes coming and going through the corridor, I had no choice but to freeze my body. The tension and humiliation were at their peak, like the tip of a needle. I think I was shaking all over, my whole body inevitably tense. Nevertheless, Xavier didn’t stop walking. Before he could take his second step, the leather strap around my neck was pulled taut, and one of the comrades walking with us kicked the back of my thigh with his boot as I stood still. I let out a long groan, helplessly dragged along, scraping the skin off my knees and palms.

The corridor seemed especially long that day. The gazes that swept over my back and buttocks, which had become skin and bones by then as I couldn’t bring myself to eat the rotten meat and had starved for days, were countless. The eyes full of contempt and mockery that looked down on me as they came and went. Crick, crick, crawling up… Like a swarm of black spiders. They clung to my wretched body and wouldn’t let go. ‘Exhibited’ like a rare beast, I had to feel the creepy sensation of those gazes with both my ears and all the skin on my body. Ah. Ah. Ah…. Should I run away? Should I at least try? But my family gathered in the hut outside the castle walls, starving.

My family, who would eat and dress with the price of my obedient humiliation.

Blood ties are inevitably trampled even in bloodshot eyes. Unspeakably, only thorns grew in this stomach.

“Oh my… What is this? Is it a human or a beast?”

One of the two warriors crossing the corridor, seemingly a newcomer, stopped deliberately to point at me, which happened to catch the edge of my vision. Xavier, who was clearly much younger than the man who sounded well over thirty judging by his gruff voice, answered casually.

“It’s a dog I’m going to gift to my sister.”

“A gift?”

“She went to the lakeside for treatment because her chronic illness flared up. I want to surprise her when she returns.”

“You siblings use humans as dogs?”

“Your eyes must be crooked. Does this look human to you?”

“Hmm.”

“Actually, the one who’ll use it as a dog isn’t this bastard, but this bastard’s sister.”

To this brief conversation between the experienced warrior and the candid boy, the former leader, who had by then firmly settled as the second-in-command, snorted once and chimed in.

“Oh ho?”

The previous warrior raised his voice in surprise. Though the conversation partner had changed, there was still no difference in tone or attitude between the seasoned warrior and the green boy. Xavier’s comrade spoke in a subtly boastful tone.

“You probably don’t know since you haven’t been in the South for long. That woman, Giovinetta Isolde Yuricates Valdemar, she’s grown up to be a great beauty now, but her temperament is no joke. But to think she’d use people as dogs… Well. She was an extraordinary girl from the time she came into her mother’s arms.”

“Are you saying the woman’s temperament is worse than this guy’s?”

The warrior seemed to be laughing, deliberately ignoring Xavier standing right in front of him.

“Yeah, yeah. So don’t get fooled by her in the future. She’s a scary woman.”

“Geez… Hey, tell them to take it easy. What kind of sight is this? Is this how a human should look?”

In the end, the warrior chuckled lowly, as if scolding Xavier or the absent ‘you’. Xavier shrugged his shoulders with a carefree smile, which caused the leash around my neck to be lifted. Xavier must have deliberately raised it over his shoulders by bending both arms. I had no choice but to lift my head.

Dozens of pairs of eyes directly hit my face.

Ah, rather than this, just slit my throat… Just kill me right now by smashing my head on the ground! Ah, rather than this, just hang me like before…! For the first time in my life, I felt an indescribable anger. I think I unconsciously tried to stand up, kicking my seat in literal fury. But then.

“Let me see… Is the supply distribution day today or tomorrow?”

Xavier counted on his fingers in the air as if checking the date. At that moment, my breath stopped.

I froze with my face still raised. I couldn’t even think to squeeze my eyes shut, only managing to avert my gaze slightly. I think cold sweat poured down my forehead like rain over my tightly clenched lips. Xavier made a hissing sound.

Don’t look. Don’t listen. Don’t feel anything. If you don’t feel it yourself, it won’t be shameful. Close your eyes. Shut your ears. Once again, I lowered my head. Once again, I crawled naked through the entire fortress. Though I was in no position to be angry or to wail, I pathetically trembled as if crying from deep inside. Nevertheless, looking back now, at that time….

It was rather bearable. Although the shock and humiliation were indescribable in their own way, I diligently, voluntarily, cut off my humanity. Yes. Rather, it was better then. Giovinetta Isolde Yuricates Valdemar. Giovinetta Isolde Yuricates Valdemar….

When I still didn’t know you.