#110

“Where are you going?”

“To my room.”

“Why… why?”

“I need to be able to stay in my place.”

Henrik answered in a low voice, pushing through the crowd in the dark hallway.

“I’m nervous you might call for me again like before. I’d rather avoid being dragged along like a hunting dog with only its nose left, having its name tarnished for no reason…. I’ve always been in a precarious position, but I never dreamed I’d be worried about being discarded like this.”

“…”

“It’s all thanks to you.”

Henrik added with a hollow laugh, as if talking to himself. The glance he cast down at me still looked dazed, as if deadened.

“You don’t seem to be in your right mind. Keep your mouth shut until we’re alone.”

He covered my mouth with a smiling face. I was already feeling dizzy and out of it anyway. I silently followed him with quick steps. No, rather than following voluntarily, it felt like my feet were swept along like rapids following his grip on my wrist. It was an irresistible force.

That day, I remember being dragged along quite mercilessly.

Despite his calm tone, Henrik gripped my hand with strong force and led me on without hesitation. It was as if he was gritting his teeth with his hand, saying he would not tolerate refusal. My head spun helplessly as I was dragged along awkwardly, but I wasn’t worried Henrik would harm me. No one fears the teeth of a dog accustomed to defeat.

Rather, a suffocating sensation that tightened my chest wouldn’t let me go. It was because of the hallway we were walking through. The main building’s hallway was darker and narrower than that of the annex, and so winding that it was difficult to remember the direction we had just come from.

The ceiling was also so low that it seemed like it might collapse and bury me at any moment. If the tall Henrik had stepped just a little higher, the wooden grain of the ceiling would have struck his crown.

And that enormous crowd. The number of people coming at us from the front, pushing from behind, and sometimes bursting out suddenly by flinging open doors was too many to count. No, I’m not sure if I actually saw that many people. In any case, I couldn’t see anything clearly due to severe dizziness.

Just the damp footsteps coming from all directions and gloomy gazes. And the voice of the girl sinking inch by inch in my mind, all mixed together like a jumble in this squalid tunnel, tunnel. An endless, filthy earthen tunnel…. Like being inside the damp intestines of a coiled snake….

“Ugh.”

I ended up bumping my forehead against Henrik’s back as he suddenly stopped. Henrik smiled faintly as he pushed open the tightly closed door with his forearm.

“Hmm, it’s a bit shabby for welcoming an honored guest, but.”

Pushed from behind, I stumbled into the dim guestroom. Before I had a chance to examine the unfamiliar surroundings, Henrik pulled me along. I turned my heavy head to look around. In the inner room, which was as dark and musty as the hallway with no windows, there were several wide, shabby beds, too many to gauge how many people they were meant for, and on one of them were gathered three or four young knights.

And one completely naked woman as well.

My lips parted in shock. Some of the knights who were either mounted on top of the frail-looking female body or sitting on the edge of the bed cast annoyed glances at us who had barged in unexpectedly.

“Well done.”

Henrik brushed off their gazes with a slight wave of his hand. I, who had momentarily stopped in my tracks at the cruel sight I’d never seen before, was pulled along by his hand, nearly stumbling as we crossed the inner room.

“Are you struggling?”

“…”

“We’re almost there.”

Henrik casually comforted me, perhaps because my breathing sounded too labored. Of course I was out of breath trying to keep up with his long strides without support. I could have complained if I wanted to, but more important was the scene before my eyes.

I couldn’t tear my gaze away from the white flesh visible between the dark figures. As I was being dragged along, twisting my head to keep my eyes fixed on that spot, I noticed a pair of eyes devoid of joy or sorrow staring blankly at me. Those eyes seemed to hook me. Only then did I gasp loudly and tug on Henrik’s sleeve.

“What is that?”

“What do you mean?”

“What are they doing?”

“Can’t you tell by looking? Don’t act innocent when you’ve seen a woman who’s been with three men.”

“…”

“Well… some people have those kinds of tastes.”

Henrik’s nonchalant voice was thrown in the same direction as his footsteps. While it was an utterly unbelievable bestial act to me, Henrik seemed unconcerned, as if used to it. Taste? That? I was momentarily at a loss for words. The woman on the bed was still looking at me.

“Does it bother you?”

“…”

“She’s a whore.”

“A whore…”

“Yes.”

“…”

“A woman who sells her body.”

I hadn’t repeated it because I didn’t understand the meaning, but Henrik added an explanation anyway. Then suddenly turning to look at me, he wrapped his arm around my shoulders and pulled me forward.

“Don’t look.”

His side profile blocked the woman’s gaze. The white female body flickered like a lamp outside my field of vision. I think my breathing was particularly rapid at that moment. Perhaps I had unconsciously searched for her face again, as her lifeless eyes briefly came into view once more.

I wonder if she heard. There was no emotion in the blank eyes of that woman called a whore. You don’t have the spear that I possess. Somehow, I understood that expression I had never seen before in that way. And by the time we reached the end of the room, I had completely turned my head away from her. Another door.

We passed through that door, through a narrower room, and stood before yet another door that appeared. Henrik kicked aside the shield standing like a sentry beneath the old door panel and opened the final door. That was probably Henrik’s private room. Pushed in the back by his hand, I was practically thrown inside.

Unlike the rooms we had passed through, the inner room with one open window letting in a draft contained a relatively clean-looking single bed. Amidst the darkness all around, a square lamp on the bedside table scattered yellow light. I whirled unsteadily towards the doorway I had just crossed. At the same time, there was a thud as the door closed.

“Where is Johannes now?”

Henrik, blocking the exit while standing in the musty shadows, asked abruptly. I struggled to hold up my neck that felt about to snap forward and answered almost reflexively.

“I don’t know.”

“You really don’t know?”

“That’s right.”

“…”

“Why? Are you planning to take revenge on him?”

At my direct question, Henrik tilted his head with a genuinely surprised look and stared at me intently. There was no emotion in his round green eyes, so I couldn’t read his inner thoughts. It was a familiar mask. In the end, my lips parted before his as I anxiously waited for an answer.

“No…”

I said, shaking my head.

“You can’t do it anyway. I won’t yield either.”

“So it was Johannes after all.”

“What?”

“You still haven’t gotten rid of that habit of pretending not to know while knowing everything.”

Henrik cocked his head with a puzzled expression.

“You, when are you going to take off that fake face of yours? The one with the habit of beating around the bush and testing people isn’t me, but you…”

I clutched my forehead. My iron-like forehead felt like it would crash to the floor. As if I know anything at all. Isn’t it because I knew nothing that this disaster happened only today? A renewed sense of resentment coursed through my entire body.

By then, I felt so nauseous that I wanted to stick my fingers down my throat to expel something, anything. Finally, as if about to vomit out my insides, I pushed my forehead against Henrik’s chest and grasped the front of his clothes. Henrik didn’t avoid me. I whispered breathlessly.

“I just heard the news about your family. They say it’s completely ruined.”

“You speak as if it’s someone else’s business.”

Henrik let out a short laugh.

“You seem to have forgotten already, but you’re also a member of that family.”

“Ha, a member?”

I felt a different kind of heat rising instantly. With my nose buried in the empty space below, I shook my burning head.

“When did you ever treat me like a person?”

“Didn’t we?”

“Why are you asking as if you’re innocent?”

“Hmm.”

“I wasn’t a member of your family, but your display shield and wall tapestry. A possession that becomes a bit more presentable when thoroughly beaten with a duster on clear days.”

“You criticize us as if you’ve never lived a single day like that before then.”

“Because it was a time when my body wasn’t in pain even if I was lonely.”

“In the end, isn’t it because of that time that you are where you are now?”

“…”

“You seem unwilling to admit it, but you were your family’s possession from the beginning.”

I couldn’t refute. Only the back of my hand clutching Henrik’s chest trembled slightly. After watching me for a moment, Henrik laughed shortly, like a sigh.

“Oh my. Now that I look at it, it seems you’ve only just realized your situation this time. That’s why you’re trying to separate from him, right?”

“You, your inferiority complex must have been quite severe.”

“…What’s with the sudden talk of inferiority complex?”

Henrik retorted half a beat late, in a seemingly nonchalant tone. I muttered while catching my breath.

“When the whole world treats me like an object anyway, isn’t it a bit absurd to bring up Johannes specifically in this context?”

“It’s not absurd at all… To me, it’s a natural flow. You were the one who first mentioned him, talking about killing or saving, and he’s the one who best demonstrated the object treatment you so despise. Isn’t that right?”

I lifted my face abruptly. There was a half-wit inside my trembling throat trying to shout out of habit that it was just your misunderstanding. It came out before I had a chance to stop it.

“You… you don’t know anything.”

“It seems like you’re the one who doesn’t know.”

“He has never voluntarily treated me as an object.”

“So he is the bastard who deserves to die, I see.”

“He’s the only person who has cherished me.”

“He’s the kind of bastard who rapes his own sister because he can’t control his lust.”

“I’m angry that he trampled on my life because he couldn’t control a mere emotion. That’s all.”

“Isn’t that the same thing?”

“No…”

I bit my lip as if cutting off my own voice. And as if substituting for the twelve-year-old girl who had not been heard for a while, I berated myself. Please shut up, I told myself. Henrik hadn’t said anything particularly wrong, so why are you trying to make excuses?