#108

Her scream, her entire body soaked in blood, tore completely from its deepest depths. Ahhh, ahh! It was a shriek that seemed to rip at the eardrums. As she had done in some dream long ago, she swung both arms like axes, striking at the empty air. Her platinum hair, drenched in blood, fluttered around her waist like an executioner’s robes.

I felt my cheeks, buried in the pillow, becoming soaked uncontrollably. Unable to open or close my eyes, I seemed to be quietly sobbing while watching from afar the back of a woman thrashing about alone. An emotion blacker than ink, long ignored, was rushing in like the tide.

See that. You want to kill him, don’t you?

No…. I shook my head, as if trying to burrow into the pillow.

I clearly tried to stop it. I said he shouldn’t be accepted like that.

How could I push him away…

You, so weak, couldn’t kill him, so you halfheartedly stabbed and halfheartedly embraced that vicious devil you couldn’t handle.

Why do you keep doing this lately? No, it’s because he loves me. No, because I love him…

You still call it love till the end. If you have eyes, look at that pitiful woman. Even if it’s love, do you think that much hatred can be washed away by one blind emotion?

…..

Was it even love to begin with?

…..

Really?

My lips were sealed.

I sat up abruptly, shuddering. My tears had blurred everything, and I couldn’t focus at all. In my shaking vision, only the wood grain of the walls, as dark and rough as my state of mind, was deeply imprinted. Whether because I couldn’t hold my head up or the wall itself was wavering, it seemed to undulate on its own.

“…No.”

Only then did I answer aloud to my twelve-year-old self.

“I, I… Johannes…. I, I already forgave him from the moment that arrow pierced his neck. I… I forgave all these walls he built around me. I allowed all of this to him….”

And then a sudden silence.

All at once, the woman who had been thrashing about in the distance as if to tear my eardrums apart, fell silent as if it were a lie. The air that had been blazing like bellows froze solid with a crack.

The bloodstains stretching in all directions remained. The silence that froze such a room was almost like the form of a ghost. Rustle, rustle. The woman standing in the corner seemed to be turning around. I heard the sound of her staggering towards my bed after turning.

That presence was indescribably chilling. Yet my entire body was so stiff I couldn’t even move, let alone run away. The woman who had crept up to me sat down gently at the end of the bed. One side of the bed sank under her weight, and a slender red arm stretched out like a spider’s web, clinging to my shoulder as if embracing it.

I wanted to turn and look at her, but as if under a spell, my gaze was fixed straight ahead and I couldn’t even see the tip of her nose. I only felt an icy chill like frost. A mad energy, eerily more frenzied for having all trace of madness erased, swirled around her corpse-cold skin, and I felt I might lose my breath at last.

Let’s kill him. Let’s kill him….

The woman whispered to my frozen self.

Let’s kill that man….

Let’s slit his throat and kill him while he’s still alive….

“…No. I, I, I don’t want to….”

Don’t lie. I know everything…. You liked it, didn’t you? The sight of him gasping and breaking before you – didn’t it make you tremble inside?

“That’s not, that’s not it….”

Shh… Good girl. It’s alright. I understand how you feel….

“……”

I know. I know…. Actually, you want the same thing I do. Actually, from long, long ago, ever since that very moment when your father’s black leopard pushed you aside, when your father turned his back on you and only looked after your siblings’ welfare, you’ve wanted this all along. The excitement you felt watching that pitiful man is proof of that…. See, I’m right, aren’t I…. Right?

“……”

Hey… Will you still call this love?

Drip, drip. The tears that had welled up in my wide-open eyes fell to the tip of my chin and crashed onto my chest. It felt as if the sound of those few drops shattering echoed off the walls and came back to me. It was such a shocking fall. And as if it were a lie, the light went out. The perfect sunset left not even a crack.

…Let’s get out of here first. Okay?

Let’s go out and find a way to finish him off….

The woman who had whispered to me melted away like the night, and I was left alone in darkness.

***

I don’t remember much about the interior of the inn’s main building that I saw for the first time that day.

I pushed open the shabby door, stepping on muddy ground that was still soggy even on a dry night. The place that had clearly been bustling until I opened the door instantly fell silent as the wind rushed in.

With each staggering step I took inside, I felt the intensity of the silence increase, not with my ears but with my skin. My whole body felt numb as if water had filled my skull, and my tear-stained vision was all a blur of dizzying flames. I think I stood there blankly for a moment, thinking that one could possibly die from dizziness.

“…Are you all busy?”

After looking around hesitantly, I approached a group of knights occupying one of the central tables and asked. Strange, rough gazes had already been directed at me in unison. I knew they were observing my every move in detail. Yet none of them answered me.

Did they not hear? My head momentarily clouded with the irregularly surging dizziness. Before I knew it, I had approached right up to them and, suddenly collapsing forward, gripped the table. Someone’s cup of alcohol, pushed by my careless hand, fell to the floor with a loud clatter, and the hot liquor that spilled out soaked my feet. It felt as if my bare feet would be scalded, but I couldn’t think to wipe it off. The pain didn’t feel like my own.

Strangely, no one stopped me there. I rubbed my eyes with the back of my hand and raised my face. Wondering if perhaps they didn’t understand the common tongue, I asked again in the southern language.

[I asked if you’re busy.] […….] [Hey, can I borrow that sword?] […….] [No?] […….] [Perhaps you don’t understand?]

Is this not it either?

Even then, I didn’t know any other languages besides the common tongue and the southern language. My chest felt tight and I felt I might burst into tears at any moment. Where is Alyona? Just as I was about to leave after shaking my dizzy head once.

[Oh, oh? Wait a moment!]

The youngest-looking knight among the group suddenly stood up and firmly grasped my arm.

[No, just a moment.]

The long bench without a backrest scraped loudly as it moved with him, assaulting my eardrums.

Startled by the noise, I sharply tucked in my chin, then slowly relaxed my body. Standing there blankly, I stared at the back of the hand gripping my forearm. It was a rough hand befitting a wandering roadside knight with no fixed post, yet also unpleasantly fine like that of a battlefield noble. Even so, my mind wasn’t working properly, and I didn’t even think to remove it. Just, I don’t feel… good….

[What business does such an honored person have seeking a weapon?]

The knight who seemed to have noticed my gaze gently removed his hand and asked me. I found his question a bit absurd. Haltingly raising my eyes, I looked at the knight’s eyes, who seemed to be about the same age as Johannes. No, perhaps a year or two older than us? He had a fairly neat impression with soft features, but his eyes looked cloudy, which made me think so. Still, the corners of his eyes with their subtle hint of a smile were quite long, like Johannes’. I stared blankly at the unfamiliar knight standing before me like that and asked in return.

[…Why do you carry a sword?] [Pardon?] [Do you not stab people with it, but use it as a walking stick instead?] [Ah.]

The knight made a briefly bewildered expression, then immediately grinned.

[Do you have a life to take?] [Yes. No, I don’t know…. I want to ki-, no, I have to kill….] [Wow.]

A short exclamation fell on the top of my head rather than my forehead. It was because I had suddenly bowed my head deeply. Feeling as if acid was refluxing, I covered my mouth with one hand, then pressed between my eyebrows to support my heavy head.

[Such fierce words from such delicate lips.]

The knight approached abruptly with the sound of clanking armor and grabbed my shoulder. I reflexively lifted my face. I saw the ashen gaze falling from quite a high place flow down my nose bridge, then rise back up to my eyes.

[Are you alright?] […What?]

I asked stupidly at the voice that sounded unexpectedly kind. The knight who had released my shoulder folded his arms. I think I raised one eyebrow without realizing it. While it was probably just a comfortable posture for him, to my eyes accustomed to Johannes’ stance that remained oddly straight even when fully relaxed, it looked a bit lax.

[Murder isn’t something a precious young lady should do herself. Why don’t you leave such rough work to me and tend to silk with a fine silver knife in your boudoir?]

The knight, either knowing or not knowing my assessment, dissuaded me without erasing his smiling face. It was almost in a whisper.

[You’ll do it instead?] [Yes.] [Why?]

When I asked blankly, he scratched his chin somewhat awkwardly.

[Actually, I’m about to go to war soon, but due to the timing, I haven’t yet met a noble lady who could bless me. I’ll become your sword, so would you give me a makeshift blessing?] [That much… isn’t difficult.]

Hadn’t what I’d been doing in Indrithason all year long been encouraging young knights and receiving their worship? Something like pretending to kiss their swords or cheeks was nothing to me.

I saw the knight across from me shrug his shoulders as if satisfied within my wavering vision. He smiled strangely, turned his waist, and swept his gaze over his group behind him.

Though it was just a wordless gesture, it seemed he had sent some kind of signal with his eyes while turning his back to me, as dark smiles appeared on the faces of the rest of the knights who had been just sitting and watching us until then.

At that time, I didn’t realize. What unpleasant meaning those smiles held. I only felt nauseous and queasy. I covered my mouth for a moment, then collected myself and closely observed the pale and slender build of the knight standing before me. Anxiety surged in an instant. I gasped shortly.

[…No, not you. You’d obviously die in just a few exchanges without even lasting long? And I can’t yield this time. I’ll do it. I, I have to do it. I….] [You’re saying you’ll face someone that even a knight like me can’t match? Wow, do I look that incompetent? Or are you unexpectedly a hidden expert?] [I… I am his weakness.]