#102

Have you ever heard the voice of someone who is not present?

Do you know the eerie sensation of a phantom voice scratching the back of your neck?

It’s similar to the feeling of momentarily losing focus due to a sharp noise like metal scraping against metal. The moment that dark voice echoes in my brain, my reason is instantly captivated by it.

Though it was clearly a human voice in this world, I had no way to avoid hearing it. If it were external noise, I could at least cover my ears, but I couldn’t very well open my skull and pull out my brain every time it reverberated inside my head.

Moreover, that voice came naturally, fitting the time and situation, and for a very long time, I didn’t even feel any particular sense of dissonance from it. I simply assumed it was something everyone experienced.

Where did that voice come from? Perhaps it was part of the madness descending through the cruel bloodline of my cursed maternal family? Only now, as I write and recall the past, do I attach the new nameplate of ‘auditory hallucination’ to that voice – how dull-witted I was.

You mad woman.

You death-obsessed bitch.

I constantly woke up writhing from nightmares, and the hostility in the voice became clearer each time. The young me in my head often spoke recklessly. It mocked me, sneered at me, screamed, and sometimes burst into tears, as if ringing a final warning bell.

My nightmares and malicious hallucinations reached their peak just before we left the South.

“…This is incredible.”

While Johannes was briefly away, Alyona, who had been uncomfortable even breathing in the same space as him, barely managed to utter a word.

“Indeed.”

I replied nonchalantly, sitting in an armchair and embroidering. Alyona tore her wide eyes away from the new jewel box Johannes had brought in and looked around the inner room anew. That gaze seemed as if she were daydreaming with eyes wide open. Her eyes appeared dazed wherever they landed.

“Are you… really going to leave all of this behind?”

“Probably. How could we transport it all in one carriage? Even if we could, it would be too troublesome.”

“Oh my goodness…”

Alyona shook her head in disbelief at my sigh-laced response. However, the girl’s gaze continued to scan every corner of the inner room.

“The knight’s… spending… is truly… truly… extraordinary…”

“You know, I only realized it myself this time. I thought he just had discerning taste, not material desires.”

“Ah…”

Alyona let out a groan and parted her lips. Those gaping lips remained open for a while. I placed the unfinished embroidery hoop on the table.

On a day when the clear sky was unusually transparent like glass. Alyona, who had been twisting her body halfway around from the window to the inner room, finally turned completely.

The girl’s gaze traced up to the bed, then fixed on the translucent fabric cascading from the ceiling. I too cast my eyes following Alyona’s. As if a layer had been peeled from the surface of a clear lake. The thin fabric, like broad fish scales, surrounded the bed, swaying gently in the soft breeze.

“Though I said so… This… isn’t just extraordinary, is it, young lady?”

“Well, I’d say this is… within an acceptable range.”

“…Pardon?”

“What’s the big deal.”

“…Pardon me?”

I like it. I repeated to myself, ignoring Alyona’s astonished gaze.

Though it couldn’t compare to Gustavus’s boudoir, my inn room, filled with splendor ill-fitting the creaking wooden building, had become as luxurious as any noble lady’s chamber. Since even I was quite satisfied with its appearance, it was no wonder a country girl would be shocked.

I watched the luxuries Johannes brought in with feelings neither joyful nor sad nor regretful. It was a strange sensation difficult to put into words. At that time, what I saw as extraordinary was not his spending habits. Is this to keep me satisfied and prevent me from wandering outside? My bedroom filled with incomprehensible anxiety and intimate obsession.

“What on earth… could the knight be thinking?”

Alyona muttered as if speaking for my inner thoughts. I tilted my head slightly, pretending to hide my complex emotions.

“Who knows? Maybe he’s planning to return or refund them before we leave.”

“Ah.”

“It would be a bit regrettable for me if I couldn’t pass them on to you.”

“Oh my…”

Alyona, who had been listening intently, let out a groan.

“Why? Are you disappointed too?”

“Of course I am… Don’t I look disappointed right now? Look at this…! All these beautiful and precious things…! They could have been mine…! I could have cherished them for a lifetime…! Do you really have to return them, young lady? Is it really not possible? It’s not, right? No, no! Why don’t we just buy a few more carriages? Wouldn’t you feel bad just leaving everything behind too, young lady…?”

“Why would I feel bad? I’m not particularly attached to these things anyway, as they’re not really to my taste. Johannes probably feels the same way.”

“Ugh, ughhh…!”

Alyona trailed off at the end of her short exclamation several times. She looked ready to pull out a handkerchief and chew on it. To my eyes, the girl’s honest sullen face was quite pleasant to see. As Johannes had refrained from going out for a few days, it was the first proper conversation in days, which made it quite enjoyable.

Where else would this child, born and raised as she was, ever see such luxury? No matter how difficult it was for her to even open her mouth around Johannes, she must have been unable to bear not sharing her immediate amazement with someone. That’s why she blurted it out as soon as he left the room.

Having momentarily forgotten even my shallow worries at the sight of this comfortable demeanor after so long, I laughed at the girl’s slender shoulders.

“You can laugh at a time like this?”

“How could I not laugh now?”

“You don’t even realize how precious this is…. Really, young lady… you seem like someone completely detached from the world.”

Alyona mumbled as if sniffling at my laughing crown.

“What are you talking about, I had plenty, that’s why I’m like this.”

I retorted, unable to wipe the smile from the corners of my mouth. Until that moment on that day, Alyona’s reaction was simply amusing and entertaining. Soon Johannes returned, and Alyona closed her mouth again.

That day, I set out for what could perhaps be called my first outing in life.

Having finished my preparations with Alyona’s assistance, I stepped out of the inn with Johannes, who seemed rather disgruntled, at my side. Johannes matched his pace with mine without saying much, but he appeared quite anxious right up until we left the annex’s main gate.

Of course, I was the one who had requested the walk. As soon as the word ‘outing’ left my lips, an anxious shadow fell over Johannes’s eyes. Still, he seemed to have decided to try and endure it, keeping his mouth shut at first, but when I started chattering away to Alyona, excited about my first walk, he tried to persuade me for quite some time that it would be better to postpone a long walk for another day.

The concern that clouded Johannes’s face was no small matter. It was fortunate that Alyona was beside me then, otherwise I might have succumbed to his persuasion and not even gotten to breathe the outside air.

“B-but… even a short walk would be… g-good for your… health…?”

Thankfully, Alyona mumbled in a tiny voice.

“You heard that, Johannes? You heard?”

I didn’t let this opportunity slip. Johannes, who had been staring at Alyona with a dry look, sighed as if quite reluctant and held out his arm. Though I was the one who grabbed his arm, I couldn’t shake the feeling of being restrained.

It was only after I stepped outside that I understood Johannes’s concern. Despite wrapping my entire body in several layers of thin fabric as he had requested, the dry wind that nipped at my nose was quite cold. Just as I was about to cough, my throat suddenly feeling ticklish, Johannes glanced at me as if he had expected this. I pretended not to notice, turning my head away and clearing my throat with a “hem-hem.”

No, to be honest, I didn’t realize it at all then, but now I suspect he might not have wanted to show me the ‘outside.’ It was only that day that I learned our lodgings were in a separate annex, detached from the main inn building. So perhaps he had intended to keep me confined from the start.

In any case, as it was our first outing alone, I was simply overjoyed at the time. When Johannes’s mood seemed to have improved a bit, I seized the moment and spoke up with a forceful voice.

“Hey, Johannes.”

“Yes?”

“Don’t you think we should restrain ourselves a bit in front of Alyona from now on?”

“Restrain what?”

“Well, you know, let’s not stick so close together.”

“What are you talking about all of a sudden?”

“I know you don’t care much for Alyona, but it seems she’s uncomfortable around you too.”

“Are you worried about her?”

Johannes asked without even turning his gaze, which had been fixed straight ahead. Though his tone was as impassive as usual, I got the impression that the end of his voice was a bit sharp. It was somewhat expected. I replied, blushing.

“Don’t misunderstand. I have no intention of getting close to her. But since we have to be together all day, it’s hard to just ignore her completely. Can’t you make this small concession?”

Having immediately denied Johannes’s probing question, he fell silent for a moment. I had more to say, but given the nature of the issue, I couldn’t continue right away.

“…Why does she have to be uncomfortable with me, of all people?”

His soliloquy carried a hint of lamentation. I stopped in my tracks. Looking up to the side, I saw Johannes’s gaze, which had finally turned, settle on my brow. His eyes looked so calm that I couldn’t help but twitch my lips.

Does he really not know? The marks you left on my skin took quite a long time to fade, and Alyona, who had to attend to me, blushed several times. I enjoy your touch too, but you sometimes cross the line even in broad daylight, and that’s the problem now, isn’t it? After a moment’s consideration, I chose my words carefully.

“You cling to me every time our eyes meet, at all hours, and she has to look away each time. I heard she’s still unmarried. No matter how much she’s experienced all sorts of rough and dirty work at the inn, it must be an embarrassing sight for a maiden’s eyes…”

I admonished Johannes in a truly adult manner. Johannes, who looked somewhat surprised, muttered quietly.

“This feels a bit unfair…”

“What does?”

“You’re worse than me, if anything, not less.”

“What are you saying? No, I’m not. When have I ever?”

“When you’re like this, I can’t tell if you’re naturally insensitive or pretending not to know.”

“I don’t know. Tell me. When have I ever done that?”

Johannes closed his mouth. I was genuinely perplexed by his words, and somewhat annoyed as well. Finally, I unlinked my arm from his and stepped in front of him. Johannes, who must have noticed the meaning in my expression, just grinned without answering. So I grabbed his waist tightly and pressed him.

“You’re not answering. I’m asking when I’ve ever done that?”

“Are you really asking because you don’t know?”

“Yes.”

Ha. Johannes let out a short laugh. Muttering to himself as if saying, “Our young lady has no self-awareness at all,” he immediately embraced me in return. His tone was clearly mocking even to my ears, which left me completely dumbfounded. I asked him several times while buried in his arms, but never got an answer. “Tell me.” “No.” We bickered for quite a while before resuming our walk.

Suddenly, I felt my toes curl and stopped in my tracks. I was suddenly reminded of Alyona’s expression during meals.

“Still, you know, at first I didn’t think much of it either… But once I became aware of that child’s gaze, now I can hardly bear it. Sometimes our eyes meet when I’m alone with you? It makes me feel strangely embarrassed.”

After murmuring softly, I clasped Johannes’s arm tightly with both hands and buried my surely beet-red nose behind his back. I wanted to escape from the embarrassing thoughts filling my head. I was no different from a cat hiding only its head in a hole.

“Try this, that tastes good too.”

Johannes, who had started to have meals with me at least once a day around that time, enjoyed watching me eat without touching his own plate. Johannes’s attitude as he offered me foods cut into bite-sized pieces was consistently gentle, but under his gaze, which looked at me with a faint smile, I often felt an inexplicable strange sense of powerlessness.

A feeling of being disarmed. Or as if standing completely naked.

My heart would occasionally flutter under his gaze. However, when I became conscious of Alyona attending to us nearby, my face would heat up even more and I’d feel restless. Even to me, his gaze was clearly unusual, so how must the young girl serving right beside us feel?

Perhaps, do you find him attractive too?

“I didn’t know.”

Johannes, who briefly responded to me, seemed to be smiling. His shallow exhalation settled on my crown.