#100

“Well, still…. You’ll know someday. I can’t be the only one to know. You make me feel like I’m the strange one. Anyway. You’ll know too.”

I muttered as if casting a spell and buried my forehead in the blanket. Suddenly, Alyona’s reddened eyes turned towards me. “You like the young lady anyway, don’t you?” With a somewhat disapproving look, she stared at me and blurted out. I answered with a smile.

“Yes. I wouldn’t do this if I didn’t like it.”

“…Do you like the knight that much?”

“I do. If he were to disappear, I would just die.”

Alyona’s eyelids rounded up. Is liking him enough? Feeling the blanket against one cheek, I continued pleasantly.

“Johannes is my everything.”

The girl’s eyebrows, which had been forming a gentle curve, drooped like a rain-soaked puppy at my last words. She looked almost on the verge of tears. Surprised by her expression, my eyes widened. Alyona grasped my hand as I lay prone.

“My lady…. This… doesn’t seem right.”

“What?”

“Oh, really…. What should we do about this…?”

“…Why? What is it?”

I fumbled to prop myself up on the bed. Alyona’s behavior, shaking her head and letting out a long sigh, seemed quite unusual. After resting her chin on her knees and avoiding my gaze for a moment, Alyona hesitantly spoke.

“You two… are cousins, right?”

“Uh… yes. That’s right.”

“You must have grown up together, of course?”

“That’s right.”

“Well, actually…. There’s something I want to ask you, my lady.”

“What is it?”

“I… I… Today… I heard something from a peddler…”

“Yes.”

“It seems he came through Indridason as usual, and that fellow said…”

“……”

For a moment, I almost raised my hand to cover Alyona’s mouth. I struggled to suppress the hand that seemed about to rise. The unexpected mention of the old devil’s name sent chills down my spine, making it hard to bear. Just as the girl, unaware of my inner turmoil, hesitated for her own reasons and finally spoke again.

“About a week ago…”

Bang!

At that very moment, Johannes burst in as if he would break down the entrance. Alyona and I turned our heads towards him, startled. Johannes, upon seeing me on his bed, approached in one stride.

Without a word, he bent down, grabbed my waist, and lifted me up. Johannes’ complexion was visibly pale, his breathing labored. I was held in his arms, standing on the bed. Without even catching his breath, Johannes whispered rapidly, his face close to mine.

“I thought my heart would stop. I told you to stay in the room. Why did you disappear without a word? Where was I supposed to look for you?”

“I’m… sorry. I didn’t know you’d be back so early.”

As I apologized softly, Johannes finally took a deep breath and pressed the back of my head firmly. My nose was buried in his neck, lightly damp with cold sweat. How urgent must he have been? I could feel his intense pulse through my nose and chest where we touched.

Creak, bang. Just as I was about to apologize again, feeling guilty, I heard the sound of the door opening and closing. Alyona? I glanced sideways towards the sound, but the girl had already left the room.

Alyona didn’t even say a brief goodbye. The story I hadn’t fully heard also vanished without a trace. As if it had never been brought up in the first place.

It was clearly around that time that Alyona began to look at me with pity.

Although she wasn’t as friendly as before, she often glanced at me with a look of sympathy. And at the same time as the girl felt sorry for me….

She began to fear Johannes.

Yes, she was clearly afraid of him. Alyona’s habit of screaming and jumping at the sight of his shadow became more frequent. Once, while trying to avoid Johannes, she tripped over her own feet and fell backwards, greatly startling Johannes. Or more precisely, it was because Alyona let out a scream as if she would faint the moment Johannes caught her falling body.

‘What could be so startling?’

Johannes asked me, as if talking to himself, watching Alyona’s retreating figure. Fortunately or unfortunately, he didn’t seem to notice the girl’s fear or wariness towards him. Or perhaps he knew but simply didn’t care much.

She must have seen the marks you left on my body.

Although I had some idea about why the girl’s attitude had changed, I didn’t bother telling him. Looking back, it was just a misguided assumption anyway, so there’s no need to feel sorry for Johannes.

***

It was exactly sixteen days after that.

I spent quite a peculiar sixteen days before leaving the south. It felt like walking a tightrope on a leisurely morning. I didn’t feel particularly in danger, but I couldn’t completely relax either during those days.

Johannes frequented Pessoa Castle almost daily, invited by the lord.

Belatedly, I heard that on the first day we arrived at the inn, he had revealed his identity to summon the reluctant priest there. Johannes’ expression often showed slight fatigue as he told me about the lord’s exceptionally generous treatment.

“I’m sorry.”

He apologized bitterly.

“We were short on travel money after rushing out without a plan. I thought it wouldn’t be bad to live off my name for a while, as long as we didn’t spread more rumors.”

“What do you have to be sorry for? It’s comfortable and good for me.”

“I’m sure I ordered them to keep quiet, but without a sword, the order might not have been taken seriously…”

I opened my eyes wide. Pointing to his longsword leaning against the wall in its scabbard, I asked:

“Isn’t your sword right there?”

“…I guess so.”

Johannes’ complexion seemed somewhat dark as he answered slowly after a pause.

Thus, the reason Johannes was often away from my side was due to the great interest of the lord of Pessoa. And every time Johannes returned from the castle, he handed me all sorts of luxurious items. As if he had made a list in advance, most of them were items I had forcibly demanded in the past, so I marveled a few times at his attention to detail, not missing even the smallest thing.

The source of the funds was obvious. Although I didn’t know exactly how much Johannes had revealed to the lord of Pessoa, I had learned from my past married life that friendship between knights is often maintained through material means.

“Surely you don’t intend to transport Gustavus as well?”

Still, this is wasteful. When I indirectly expressed my simplest impression as a question, Johannes just gave a bitter smile. I gently stroked his neat eyebrows, which looked anxious even with me by his side.

Around that time, I was lonely.

I knew that once we left the south, I would be living alone with Johannes, so what was there to be lonely about? Unable to understand the reason for my solitude, I occasionally comforted myself in secret from Johannes. It must be because Alyona is in my sight now, so I can’t help but crave her attention. It must be loneliness that will soon fade away.

Lonely?

You want to kill.

Whenever I tried to alleviate my loneliness alone, a young girl’s voice would buzz in my ears, but I shook my head. I thought it was just a meaningless phantom anyway.

I knew that Johannes was watching Alyona, knowingly or unknowingly.

Of course, he never treated Alyona roughly, but I had seen Johannes observing the girl’s every move with a subdued gaze when she was with me a few times. At such times, he was like a night watchman in a village shrouded in darkness. A blue shade pooled in his eyes, as if he would immediately draw his sword upon discovering someone with a torch without his permission.

I didn’t feel much threat from Johannes’ attitude. However, I was a bit confused as I couldn’t understand Johannes’ unconditional anxiety. Isn’t this an unnecessary restraint by anyone’s standards?

I heard that the new residence is also some kind of ‘tower’. Surely Johannes doesn’t intend to confine me forever from here on? It’s just going to be the two of us from now on, right?

“What memories did you see exactly? Whatever I was doing in those memories?”

When I finally asked him that.

“Are you lonely?”

Johannes deflected the question, just like he did a few nights ago. He consistently ignored my questions like this, without even offering an apology. At a glance, his attitude suggested that there was no problem on his part. Like a zealot believing that if he covers it up and doesn’t mention it, all the tangled threads will unravel smoothly.

Yet, was he still troubled? His eyes, which never gave a complete answer or even an excuse, always sank anxiously. How could I complain to such eyes?

“No, I’m not lonely.”

I tried to answer as I embraced him.

I just hoped that Johannes’ anxiety, which he was bearing alone, would be resolved.

It felt like everything was at a standstill. The persistent nightmares visited me every other day, and every night, Johannes, with an anxious air about him, knocked on my door. I’m here, Johannes. As I held him silently bowing his head and gently rubbed his back, the devil’s bronze skin would occasionally peek through Johannes’ collar.

Inside me, both reassurance and a sense of crisis raised their heads simultaneously. I shook my head slightly at these contradictory sensations. A dream is just a dream. And Johannes’ condition, I heard it’s been like this from before anyway. Even if he changes like last time, at least Johannes won’t hurt me or do anything harmful to me, so what is there to worry about?

I just hoped inwardly. That before departing for the new tower given to me, we could untangle all the incomprehensible knots existing between him and me. Yes, wouldn’t everything be resolved if Johannes just opened up to me?

“What should I do to make you answer me, Johannes?”

I occasionally muttered quietly, sitting by the window. In the bedroom, deserted even by Alyona, only the cold accessories glittered garishly. The season outside the window, as if longing for the winter north wind, just scattered red and yellow, ignoring me…. Ah, how long has it been indifferent to me? It was such an incredibly complacent thought.

It was a time when I didn’t even consider your curse. Whether my behavior was right or not, Johannes seemed to be gradually regaining the calm and clear atmosphere of a year ago.