As soon as I gave permission, Chesire quickly grabbed a water jug and stood up.

I continued wiping Grandfather’s face with the wet handkerchief until I stopped my hand when it was time to wipe again. Then, I slowly lowered his face.

It seemed like I could see his somewhat original face a little by wiping it a bit, or not. He looked much older than before. However, his eyes were still as blue as ever.

“…I’m sorry. I should have come to find you sooner.”

“…….”

“Grandfather?”

“…….”

“Are you awake?”

His eyelids trembled, opening and closing slowly several times. I anxiously grabbed his cheek and met his gaze. Even though our eyes had met before, I wanted to keep looking.

I still couldn’t fully grasp the fact that Grandfather was alive.

“…Libi?”

“Grandfather.”

“…I thought it was a dream.”

“It’s not a dream.”

I forced a smile and held Grandfather’s hand.

“…Any injuries?”

“Are you worried about me, Grandfather?”

“You and I are different. I am an adult.”

“…I am an adult now too. Do you know how old I am now?”

I tried not to cry, but it was hard to hold back the choked-up sob. I hadn’t thought I would see those eyes again forever since that day.

“I may forget my age, but I can’t forget that. Didn’t I promise to be the first to congratulate you on your birthday?”

“Why didn’t you keep the promise? If you promised, you should have kept it.”

Habits are frightening. Unknowingly, I acted childish. Holding Grandfather’s hand against my cheek, I lifted both corners of my lips.

“I’m sorry.”

“No. No, you don’t have to apologize. I’m just glad that Grandfather has come back. Really.”

“Libi.”

Hearing the nickname after a long time, my throat choked up unconsciously. I hadn’t forgotten. Since I found out that Lord Pieren called me Lin after the incident, Grandfather called me by his own nickname.

“My lovely younger sister.”

“Yes, Grandfather.”

“Calling me that makes it feel like you’ve really become an adult. You didn’t call me that before. You didn’t use honorifics either.”

“Oppa.”

I promptly gave Oppa the answer he wanted. It felt strange to say Oppa at this age, but I wanted to do whatever he wanted.

“Hearing you call me Oppa makes it feel like we’ve gone back to the past.”

“I’m glad if that’s the case.”

“But it can’t be like that.”

“…….”

“Go back now, Libi.”

This wasn’t the answer I wanted. I quickly spoke up.

“What are you talking about? Go back?”

“Even though it’s slow, news has spread even to the underground. Even if not everything, I’ve heard about what happened to you to some extent.”

“…….”

“My presence will only cause disturbance. Especially in a situation like this, where tragedy has befallen your couple [Dash].”

“Tragedy? What tragedy?”

“Libi?”

“I don’t know what rumors Oppa heard about me, but the one thing for sure is that I am unhappy.”
I didn’t intend to tell this story. Oppa had only recently woken up and needed rest. Nevertheless, once his mouth opened, it couldn’t be stopped.

Perhaps due to the age difference, Oppa was both a brother and a father figure to me. Especially when he smiled, he closely resembled our father.

That aspect made me act even more like a child. And it made me feel vulnerable.

Truthfully, I always wanted to cry. I wanted to cry freely and throw tantrums like in the old days.

“…….”

“I thought about dying.”

“…Dying?”

“I’ve even tried.”

I let go of Oppa’s hand. Instead, I brought my trembling hand to my throat.

Now, I was back to that day ten years ago.

“Dad died, Oppa died too. And Pieren, no, Karl turned his back on me. I had no one. And eventually, I was dragged to the imperial palace.”

“…….”

“The day I was dragged to the palace, I had a warm meal after a long time. Contrary to my fear, the emperor was kind to me, or so I thought. Until I received that question.”

“…….”

“He asked me what punishment should be given to Karl. But I couldn’t answer. And then, a hellish time began.”

The days I was trapped in a dark room without light were so frightening that I wailed. I didn’t know what I did wrong, and I prayed, screamed. But nothing changed.

At the appointed time, I had meals with the emperor. The menu was the same every time, and the questions he asked were the same. Only after this routine repeated did I realize.

The emperor wasn’t asking me questions. My role was just to provide the answers he had already decided.

From the beginning, the emperor had no intention of sparing Calyx.

“I begged the emperor. I pleaded for him not to kill Karl easily. I said I hoped Karl would struggle in agony before dying.”

“You said that?”

“That was the only way I could keep him alive.”

What I learned from repeated experiences was that begging for mercy was futile. The more I said it, the closer Calyx’s death approached.

So I asked him to kill Calyx. I found a more cruel method than the answer the emperor had predetermined.

Knowing that among the convicts dragged to the border, none survived, I still pleaded. Despite knowing it was a futile hope, I judged that it might be better than having my neck severed on the gallows.

If he was alive in any form, there might be a chance someday.

Even though he was the enemy who brought down my family, I loved him. I wished for him to be alive in any way.

That’s how both he and I survived.

But, because of that, it was painful. The nightmares began from that time. In my dreams, my family blamed me for trying to save the enemy. My lover resented me for pushing him into a pain worse than death. I had to cry at the fact of being left alone after hiding from people’s eyes.
Every moment was agony. It wasn’t about living day by day but enduring each day.

“What’s funny is that I spared Karl’s life like that, but I actually wanted to end it all. I was exhausted.”

There wasn’t a specific plan. The thought just occurred, and when I came to my senses, I was hanging from the ceiling with a rope around my neck, the chair beneath me.