“This is the key to the room Rachel used to use.”

Rachel was Larien’s mother.

“I’ll be going now.”

Without any further explanation, she forcibly pressed the key into my hand and hastily left.

‘Is there something inside?’

The key jingled as it shook.

I had always been curious about the tightly closed room from long ago.

I went up to Rachel’s room and used the key to open the locked door.

‘It’s clean.’

While traces of Rachel’s life remained, it was kept clean.

‘The duchess must have managed it.’

…Perhaps she felt guilty towards her friend, even if belatedly.

On one wall hung Rachel’s portrait.

‘She looks similar to Larien. The light brown color, the moderate curls too.’

Rachel’s pink eyes held a warmth like a spring day.

I fiddled with Larien’s light brown hair that resembled Rachel’s.

“…Child. I wish you would look like Larien.”

I wanted to preserve the curly light brown hair that Larien’s mother had passed down, even if only that way.

It was guilt for having taken over Larien’s life.

Entering the bedroom, I discovered a diary placed on the bedside table.

‘This is…’

I sat on the bed and opened the diary.

[ April 1, 812.

It was the day I first found out I was pregnant. When I told Rowin, he picked me up and spun me around.

You’re still so small I can’t even tell you’re there, baby. But mom and dad are so happy you’re coming to us. ]

‘Rachel wrote this from the day she found out she was pregnant with Larien.’

[ April 28, 812.

Baby. Your dad seems to want you to be a girl.

He’s already picked out the name ‘Larien’ and whispers it to my belly every night.

He says it means ‘to be loved as you grow’. Mom would be happy if you’re a boy too. ]

‘Duke Belaste wanted a daughter? Not a son?’

It was surprising that he wished for a daughter and had chosen a name even before the birth.

‘The duke only considers his son Uriel as his child now.’

I couldn’t imagine Duke Belaste loving Larien at all. It was too unfamiliar.

I carefully turned to the next page.

[ May 7, 812.

Baby. The weather is so nice today. These days mom and dad are having a bet.

Whether you’ll become a sparrow like mom later, or an eagle like dad.

Dad thinks you’ll transform into a sparrow. He says he hopes you won’t be an eagle. What does it matter if you’re a sparrow or an eagle?

As long as you’re born healthy, that’s all that matters, but your dad seems to want too much.

He’s so greedy. Hey. Are you growing well in there?

I can’t wait to see you, our baby. ]

As soon as I read this paragraph, a blurry image formed.

It was Rachel placing her hand on her belly and whispering love.

With the happiest face in the world.

[ June 13, 812.

Baby. Your dad is so cute. He went out this morning and came back with a hundred marigolds.

He says it’s a gift for you. Apparently smelling marigolds during pregnancy leads to having a daughter. What if it’s a boy? He’s been insisting you’ll be a girl since before.

Our baby. I’m sorry, but it seems you’ll have to be born a girl. Dad says he’ll carry you on his back for life. ]

It was filled with trivial, peaceful stories.

“…This.”

There were tear stains over ink that seemed to have been pressed hard.

[ December 3, 812.

Baby. Mom had a big fight with dad today and I’m so upset.

Actually, we heard that it could be dangerous for me when giving birth to you, and dad was really worried.

As long as our baby is healthy, mom will be fine. Mom loves you so much. ]

I took a deep breath at the date written on the next page.

[ December 25, 812.

Baby. If mom has to leave dad and go first… will you hug dad in mom’s place?

Your dad is a bit of a coward, so he might find it hard to approach you. He might be clumsy some days too.

But this is for sure. Dad really loves you. He’s the one who waited for you more than anyone.

Can our baby try to understand dad a little?

Mom is fine with everything… but I’m worried about your dad. Still, he’ll be able to endure because you’re here, right?

He’ll be a kind and caring dad to you.

Baby. I’m sorry I won’t be able to raise you. I wanted to see you talk and walk, it’s a shame.

I wanted to read you bedtime stories and put you to sleep.

The time I would have spent with you would surely have been happy, so I keep imagining it.

I wonder if you’ll like macarons like mom. When I was little I disliked carrots, I wonder if you’ll be the same.

I was so curious but it’s a shame. Baby, I love you so much. Mom was happy because of you.

If there’s a next life, come find mom then too. Mom will be waiting for our baby. ]

Rachel’s parenting diary didn’t continue beyond this.

‘December 25, 812 is Larien’s birthday.’

It was natural, since it was also the date Rachel passed away right after giving birth to Larien.

“…Ah, why am I crying?”

Tears I didn’t know when had started were flowing down my cheeks.

If Rachel hadn’t died, Duke Belaste wouldn’t have hated Larien.

Larien, raised with her parents’ love, would have lived a life without pretending to be what others wanted or hating others.

I keep making meaningless assumptions.

‘Larien was a daughter as the duke wanted, and manifested as a sparrow shifter.’

But she wasn’t loved. Even though it wasn’t Larien’s fault, she lived like a sinner her whole life.

“…Why are you in this room?”

Duke Belaste entered the room, looking very displeased.

‘Wasn’t he with the Crown Prince?’

I didn’t know he was coming.

“This is not a place you should be, so get out now!”

Duke Belaste was breathing heavily, seemingly quite agitated.

“Did you not hear me?”

It was hard to believe this was how he looked at his daughter, with such hostility.

I closed the diary and looked directly at Duke Belaste.

“When I was very young. I tried to roll down the stairs. Because I wanted your attention.”

On the day Uriel had a fever, Duke Belaste stayed by his side all night.

I rolled down the stairs hoping that if I got sick like Uriel, he would come to me too.

In the end, he didn’t come.

“Was I ever a daughter to you, Duke?”

I felt wronged. Since I had lived as his daughter in Larien’s place, I had hoped a little.

For Duke Belaste to say he was sorry.

“You are nothing more than the one who drove Rachel to her death.”

Ah. As expected.

‘Of course.’

His hatred seeped in through a small crack and stabbed sharply.

“You couldn’t love me. You never had any intention of being a father to me.”

I wiped away the tears that had welled up. I shouldn’t have expected anything from the start.

Then I wouldn’t have had to be disappointed.

It was the same when I stayed at the orphanage before being reincarnated as Larien.

The orphanage is a place where you can’t fully possess anything of your own.

I shouldn’t have expected affection without cost.

I had no parents to protect and shield me when I made mistakes.

I had to leave the orphanage after receiving 5 million won as independence support money.

With that, I couldn’t go to university and mingle with peers.

‘At first, I couldn’t understand Larien who was financially well-off.’

I thought if I just had money, I wouldn’t have to bow my head for things I didn’t do wrong.

‘I was wrong.’

The more people have, the more they desire.

Living warmly, eating delicious food, sleeping in a spacious comfortable bed made me want what I didn’t have.

I was curious about the parental attention and affection I had never received in my life.

I didn’t even know who my parents were or what they looked like.

There was no photo or name left behind when I was abandoned at the orphanage. It was lonely watching friends I lived with at the orphanage get adopted and leave, seeing the blankets next to me disappear one by one.

Unlike me who never had anything from the start, Larien still had a father.

Even knowing Larien who died without being loved no matter what she did, I mistakenly thought I could be loved if I tried.

In truth, I needed a family. I craved affection like Larien.

When I hit my limits, I brainwashed myself.

That it was something I never had and could never have.

I preserved my pride by not envying others.

If I admitted I longed for it, I couldn’t have endured.

I desperately ignored it out of fear of meeting the same end as her.

“I wish you had a chance, Duke. A chance to choose Mother instead of me. At that time, please stop Mother from trying to save me.”

For Larien, it would have been better not to have been born at all.

‘We end up unloved till the very end.’

I left the key on the bed and passed by him. The gaze of Duke Belaste glaring at me remained unforgotten.

I walked down the hallway in a daze and returned to the annex.

Mary, who had finished cleaning with a satisfied expression, called out to me.

“Young miss?”

Strangely, as soon as I saw Mary, the tension drained from my body and I lost all strength. Mary caught me as I was about to collapse and sat me in a chair.

“…Mary.”

“Young miss!”

My stomach started to hurt gradually, making me breathe heavily.

“Young miss, your forehead is burning up. I’ll call the physician.”

I weakly shook my head, stopping Mary from going to get the physician.

“Mary, don’t.”

If he finds out I’m unwell, Duke Belaste will interrogate the physician.

“Mary, absolutely, don’t call… okay?”

“Young miss! Get a hold of yourself! Young miss!”

With those words, darkness finally overtook my blurry vision.

When scheming men desperately battle for her favor in the male harem

This one’s also on my reread list! The rivalry, scheming between the men in the imperial harem are just as intense and thrilling as in classic palace drama novels, where concubines fight to the death. Give it a read, girls! I promise you won’t be disappointed.

Synopsis:

“I am not worthy of her… but I still want to be by her side, even if only as a loyal dog…”

Those were the painful whispers of Yue Guanyi – the proud Crown Prince of the Great Qi, who was torn between deep love and a guilty conscience. Despite holding the supreme power of the Imperial Guard, he still could not forget the dark past when he was sold into a brothel.

Fate played a cruel twist when Qiu Shuzhi – a young female official who had just passed the imperial examinations with top honors – stepped into his life. She did not know that she was the one who had saved him from a tragic fate many years ago. And now, her heart was the target of pursuit for both Yue Guanyi and the powerful Empress Dowager Qin Qing.

While Yue Guanyi only dared to silently care for and protect the one he loved from afar, the  Empress Dowager Qin Qing openly expressed his feelings and did not hesitate to take advantage of his power to approach Qiu Shuzhi. The covert struggle between the two most powerful forces in the imperial court began…

Trigger warning: All men in this novel are yandere style.

 

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