Our Every Moment - Chapter 34

With a voice filled with concern, Seo Hee slowly lifted her gaze and barely focused. When asked again if she was okay, she wasn’t okay at all, but mechanically nodded her head.

“After school, do you want to go together with me? If it’s too hard for you, you don’t have to go.”

Seo Hee had a feeling she knew where the teacher was suggesting they go. It was a question of whether she would see off her friend on her final journey.

Seo Hee still couldn’t believe the conversation she was having with the teacher, didn’t want to believe it, but felt that she shouldn’t let Joo Yeon go like this. She didn’t want to let her friend go on her last journey alone.

The words that she wanted to go right away came up to her throat, but she was so afraid that she wanted to delay the time. If she saw with her own eyes the reality that she didn’t want to accept, there would be no way not to accept it, so she wanted to delay that time even just a little.

The teacher, sighing deeply, patted Seo Hee’s back repeatedly.

“It’s probably best not to tell the classmates yet. It just had to be on exam day… I’ll… let them know when the time is right.”

The words “it just had to be on exam day” sharply clawed at her already aching heart. What did that damn exam matter?

But she had not the slightest desire to break this devastating pain to her friends with her own mouth. I couldn’t even believe it myself, I absolutely couldn’t believe it, so what words could I say and how?

I don’t even know how I took the exam.

Unable to give any response to the friends who approached her like a ghost, asking this and that, she just vacantly kept her seat all day long like a person whose soul had left.

From time to time, the teachers supervising the exam passed by, patting the back of Seo Hee, who was dropping tears on the exam paper with a vacant expression. Neither the worried eyes looking at Seo Hee nor the low sighs of pity reached Seo Hee at all.

Seo Hee rode in the teacher’s car and headed to the hospital where the funeral was being held.

As she headed toward her friend on a spring day when all things were coming to life, she thought of Joo Yeon, who was like a flower that had fallen without being able to properly bloom. This morning, when the spring fragrance had made her heart flutter, felt like a distant past.

When you fearlessly threw yourself into the chilly dawn, where was I and what was I doing?

When you were lying on the cold floor, getting farther and farther away from me, what on earth was I doing?

Not knowing what abyss of pain you were struggling in, I guess I was just leisurely enjoying the spring scenery and worrying about exams.

Not knowing that you were groaning in pain at the crossroads of life and death, not knowing how much pain you were in, I was excited anticipating the time I would spend with you.

Your morning, which was all gray, and my morning, which was all blue.

The scenery that you and I saw under the same sky.

Thinking of our very different mornings, I was just dumbfounded and my heart broke.

Seo Hee no longer felt the scenery of spring coming to be beautiful. On the spring landscape that had now turned completely gray, memories with her friend unfolded like a panorama.

The streets where she laughed and chatted with you, the blue sea where she threw herself in with you, the white snow field where she rolled around with you, forgetting the cold. All the memories of laughing so brightly came back vividly as if it were yesterday.

You are still alive and breathing so vividly in my memories like this, where on earth are you now?

Hot tears flowed down her cheeks silently. Not knowing that her face was drenched with tears, Seo Hee’s blurry eyes vacantly looked at the outside, continuing their peaceful daily life.

In the meantime, the car gradually stopped. Seeing people in mourning clothes coming and going to the parking lot in front of the hospital funeral hall, her feet wouldn’t move, and she twisted her clasped hands.

If only it had been a dream, if only all this had been a terrible nightmare. If only she could say it was a horrifyingly scary dream and laugh in vain as she woke up.

Joo Yeon, I pray more earnestly than ever that this is all a dream.

The car door opened. As if trying to pull her out of the dream, the teacher’s heavy voice penetrated her ears.

“Seo Hee, we’re here.”

Seo Hee’s head drooped down. Led by the hand gently holding her arm, she pushed herself out of the car.

She walked between the rows of incense sticks lined up on both sides, following the path the teacher walked. She hated the intense smell of chrysanthemums that pricked her nose.

With each step, she heard someone’s wailing cry, and the sound of mourning echoed endlessly in her ears. Her steps slowed down and eventually stopped abruptly.

Seo Hee didn’t want to go a single step further.

She didn’t want to confirm Joo Yeon’s death, her friend’s end, with her own eyes. She didn’t want to take in the sight of the funeral hall that would coldly tell her it wasn’t a dream but reality.

The teacher, keenly aware of Seo Hee’s heart, asked cautiously.

“Seo Hee, if it’s too hard, do you want to go wait in my car?”

The desire not to confirm Joo Yeon’s death and the desire not to send Joo Yeon away alone fiercely clashed. Even though it wasn’t cold, and the weather was getting more balmy than ever, her body trembled in a way that didn’t fit the season.

Seo Hee mustered up her last courage. Even though it’s hard, shouldn’t I be the one to see you? Maybe you’re waiting for me. Swallowing the lump in her throat that felt like swallowing a stone, she shook her head.

“No. I… want to go see Joo Yeon.”

“Okay. Let’s do that.”

Taking a deep breath and moving her feet again, she took steps to where the teacher was leading. Reaching the end of the chrysanthemum procession, the scene inside the funeral hall rushed in like waves through her wavering eyes.

Beside Joo Yeon’s father, who had been dignified and benevolent, Seo Hee saw Joo Yeon’s mother, whom she had affectionately called ‘auntie’, and Kang Mo in a black suit with eyes brimming with tears.

Blinking once, the three people’s appearance came into focus for a moment. Uncle, who couldn’t hide his gloomy expression, auntie, who had turned pale without a hint of color and looked precarious as if she would collapse at any moment, and even Kang Mo, with a somber expression she had never seen before, with his head bowed.

It’s not a dream. It really wasn’t a dream. The moment she realized it, a hot fever spread throughout her body and a sob leaked out.

This bad girl. This bad…, this bad girl. How could you do this? How could you do this?

As she entered, reproaching inwardly, Joo Yeon’s photo, with a bright smile like a spring flower, greeted her. She hurriedly covered her mouth with both hands, but she couldn’t stop the crying sound that came out in a mess.

Unable to do anything until tears drenched her entire face, she looked at her friend’s photo, which was blurred and not properly visible, and wept and wept.

Next to the comforting teacher, Joo Yeon’s mother approached and embraced her shoulders. Seo Hee had to shed tears for a long time again, trembling in her friend’s mother’s arms.

When she came out, darkness had already fallen and it was getting dark. She couldn’t remember what kind of farewell she had bid to Joo Yeon. Her whole body felt heavy like water-soaked cotton, and hot heat emanated from her body as if she were in a sauna.

Then, as if winter had come again, her body froze cold and shivered. Her physical condition was deteriorating to the worst.

On a day that was spring but not spring, the day she sent Joo Yeon away. Seo Hee had to suffer from a terrible cold.

The next day, unable to go to school, Seo Hee couldn’t just lie still because Joo Yeon kept coming to her mind.

Wanting to be with her friend until she left, she persuaded her mother, who tried to stop her, and visited the funeral hall again. After greeting Joo Yeon’s family, who had become even more haggard in a day, she sat limply at the edge of the funeral hall, thinking about the afterlife and praying more earnestly than ever.

May there be heaven. And may you dwell in that heaven. A place where flowers and trees grow on clouds, where butterflies and nameless birds fly, beyond a clear oasis unseen anywhere.

That place, heaven, where there is no pain or suffering, but overflowing with infinite freedom and joy, peace and love, I earnestly wish with my heart that it exists.

Tears flowed endlessly with her eyes closed. Her mother’s hand, gently wrapped around her shoulder, kept stroking her arm.

Although she knew well that her mother was anxious with worry for her, Seo Hee decided not to pretend to be strong today. She didn’t have the energy left to consider her mother’s feelings.

As she was crouching like that for a long time, she felt someone’s hand stroking her head in addition to her mother’s touch. Only then did Seo Hee lift her head. Joo Yeon’s mother, who had exchanged glances with her mother, opened her choked throat and spoke.

“It’s not an easy place for a student to come, but how did you come again like this? You must be having a hard time too… Thank you for coming like this, Seo Hee. For not letting our Joo Yeon be lonely… I’m really… so, so grateful.”

At auntie’s low and rough voice, which was completely different from usual, tears welled up in Seo Hee’s eyes again. Joo Yeon’s mother, who wiped Seo Hee’s tears with a face full of sadness, also shed hot tears from her eyes.

“But Seo Hee, now we… let’s cheer up. I’ll cheer up too, so you should stop crying and get yourself together. Okay? You seem to have a fever too, so go home and get some rest. Joo Yeon will be… very upset to see you sick like this.”

Seo Hee nodded her head without a word. She couldn’t add to the worries of someone who was already having a hard time. Gathering herself to get up from her seat with the support of her mother, Joo Yeon’s mother, who had briefly left her seat, hurriedly approached and handed a drink to Seo Hee’s mother.

“I’m worried Seo Hee might collapse from crying so much. She should wet her throat before leaving.”

“Oh my. You must be going through so much right now. Don’t worry about our Seo Hee and take care of yourself, Joo Yeon’s mom. Okay?”

“Thank you, Seo Hee’s mom.”

On the way out after saying goodbye, her mother carefully asked Seo Hee if she wanted to drink the beverage, holding up a bottle.

At that moment, Seo Hee flinched at another voice flashing by like lightning. Her body stiffened with a strange sense of déjà vu. Seo Hee’s gaze, fixed vacantly in the air, began to tremble relentlessly. Then, a voice that sounded like an auditory hallucination,

‘Seo Hee, do you want to have some of this drink?’

‘What drink?’

“Gasp.”

Suddenly, she felt short of breath.

The floor began to sway as if she were standing on a boat.