177. When I Wake Up

2024.03.25.

The Clade Euphris she had seen at the plaza was the perfect image of a composed nobleman.

A royal who had lived his entire life without fault.

Though cursed for over a decade, he appeared now like a prodigal who had proudly overcome it and was ready to enjoy life.

His plain, pitch-black iron armor and the red cloak of Loxenhardt suited him well.

His sharper jawline and refined features, which had changed greatly since she last saw him, unsettled Yu An yet looked striking.

Combined, all of this made Count Loxenhardt appear nothing short of majestic to others.

No matter how wildly he had lived during the social season.

But the man standing before Yu An now was far from a lord ruling a territory, far from the noble and arrogant royal bloodline.

His thick, golden hair, usually slicked back to expose his forehead, now fell in strands across his smooth brow.

His pale skin, unblemished at a distance, appeared rough and lifeless up close.

His deeply shadowed features bore no trace of the privileged ease typical of the wealthy.

His mysterious violet eyes, once seeming to hold the universe, now resembled a barren, desolate desert.

In those dry, dark eyes—so hollow they seemed ready to vanish at a breath—was the woman Yu An had just seen several times in the mirror, strange and unfamiliar.

The wicked, unparalleled seductress who had betrayed her husband and lover, now on the verge of serving the Emperor’s bed.

Yu An’s lips twitched, refusing to part. She knew better than anyone.

After exerting enough power to kill the Emperor, her body—fragile as a candle in the wind—would no longer be able to sustain itself.

Emperor Igor was a formidable opponent, one who might not even die despite every ounce of strength poured into killing him.

And she knew this final act was a future she alone must bear.

Yet she could not speak. Words simply would not come.

The words “I must enter the Emperor’s chamber, so step aside” stuck in her throat, refusing to be pulled free.

This was it.

This day felt closer to an end than any other she had sensed before.

The final time to face him, to breathe the same air, to speak with him.

And that brief hesitation allowed Clade Euphris to pull her arm and lead her back into the bedroom.

It was a mistake born of weakness on the brink of death.

She looked at Clade Euphris, who remained standing without releasing her arm.

Seeing the neat, round golden back of his head, she let out an empty laugh.

Compared to the reality of soon serving the Emperor’s night, this moment felt more like a dream to her.

She was confused.

Hadn’t they divorced?

Hadn’t he sent her divorce papers with nothing but cold notification?

Hadn’t he severed even the last lingering attachment she couldn’t understand?

On the hunting ground, where she had gazed at him with the thought of “this is the last,” hadn’t he completely cut her off, turned his back?

She had only just ached over how he avoided her eyes when they briefly met, how they hadn’t exchanged even a glance since—yet that pain had not even lasted hours.

So why, then, are you in my room again?

Her dark eyes trembled gently before dropping to the floor. Her long eyelashes quivered.

‘Why do you always…’

Appear like this at every final moment between you and me?

“You know you no longer have the right to do this, don’t you?”

The words she finally forced out were only this single sentence. Words she had agonized over, hesitated on, suffered through before speaking.

But the man who stood gripping her arm, showing only his back, answered without the slightest flinch.

“Don’t go.”

More stubbornness?

More incomprehensible attachment?

“If you leave, I’ll kill Igor right here.”

“……”

“In front of all these people.”

It was a threat.

One that should have no effect on her.

Yet one that forced her to imagine the chaos that would follow if he truly did such a mad thing.

“…Why?”

He slowly turned around.

A calm, composed face. And eyes still bloodshot.

“…Why?”

Only now did Yu An understand why Clade of the past had asked her so many times, “Why?”

Did he feel the same? Why do you do this? Why do you like me, why do you confuse me with looks and actions only someone in love would show?

Had he been just as curious?

Yu An lifted her chin high and stared intently into his eyes.

His eyes, rippling with emotion she had never seen before, unsettled her heart.

Coming uninvited and forcing his will—this behavior was no different from before. His capriciousness remained unchanged.

Yet something was different.

“…This might be our last.”

She didn’t know what he meant by that.

But as a guess, it was accurate.

Last.

How weak and emotional that word made a person.

How easily it swept one into the crashing waves of sorrow, bringing one to the brink of shattering.

Tears she had held back welled up in her dark eyes.

But before they could fall, something warm touched her lips first.

Before she could push away in shock, the tall man bent his large frame and cupped both her cheeks, wiping her tears with firm thumbs. Then, once again, warm lips…

Her wet lips and breath were silently swallowed into his mouth.

The moment she tried to speak, hot breath swept into every corner of her mouth.

An unfathomably tender, warm heat steadily soaked her heart, increasing in speed.

Fingers that had drawn her cheeks together and wiped her tears now boldly parted her wet lips, delving into her mouth like a thief searching for treasure.

Just as gentle waves slowly rising into a passionate tsunami, he whispered to her that the night was long, as she helplessly drowned in this strange, long-missed sensation.

Yes, it was temptation. An incomprehensible temptation, all the more dreamlike for it.

The roughly thrown-on robe and the thin dress beneath dropped to the floor, one after another, with soft thuds.

His hard iron armor clattered loudly as it fell onto the wooden floor.

Except for that brief moment when his stallion-like body, gleaming sharply in the firelight from the blazing hearth, was revealed, his lips never left hers.

Before she knew it, her small hands were tracing and embracing his broad back.

Everything that had been washed and polished for Emperor Igor now touched his firm body.

Her breath grew ragged, but no sound escaped, trapped by unrelenting lips.

It felt as if they were isolated from the entire world, trapped in a space of only two.

No—Yu An was merely caught in a violent tsunami, swirling uncontrollably.

He was the wave itself.

She was swept up, carried along, surrendering her body, merely struggling within it.

Cool skin and hot skin embraced, breaths entwined, hands frantically caressing and clutching each other.

Each time a firm palm grazed soft flesh, she bit down on the tender inside of her lips.

As if knowing, hot breath instantly followed to that spot.

She stepped backward, then again, and again, bearing his weight, until she perched on the dressing table. Clinging to his large, solid body, she wrapped her arms around his elegant neck, buried her small nose in his longed-for golden hair, and inhaled his scent.

The smell of outside winds. The scent of an unfamiliar forest. The subtle aroma of cigars. The nostalgic scent of Loxenhardt. Even the scent of sorrowful eyes and his own unique fragrance.

When she suddenly came to her senses, her dry back was already pressed against the soft bed.

From their joined mouths, distant breaths escaped. Their vision blurred once more.

A night of wordless longing for each other, just like that first night they had spent together, just like that night before parting.

It shattered the unyielding face of a man and left the woman’s mind in complete disarray.

There were differences too.

It wasn’t a clumsy night of mere longing, like that first night.

Nor was it a night spent endlessly clutching, breaking, crushing each other in a cave just to escape a storm.

It was a knowing, warm darkness, like wounded beasts licking each other’s wounds.

Enchanted by that passionate tenderness, by those desolate yet burning eyes, Yu An fell under the spell of the word “last.”

Each time he kissed her eyes, nose, lips, her vision darkened.

Just as he said, the night was long. Holding everything that moved softly, thickly.

She embraced the tenderness that might be her last in life.

She buried the unspoken, eternal farewell deep within her broken breaths.

In every continuous joining of hot lips, she poured only the wish that he be happy.

Thank you for indulging in such impossible, astonishing whims. Thank you for sparing her the memory of only sorrow and pain.

Thank you for ensuring that her final memory of him wouldn’t be the shadow of someone weeping into an empty space where no one remained.

She no longer asked him why he was doing this.

She didn’t ask why he had sent divorce papers, then come to her bedroom to seduce her. Didn’t ask why he looked at her with such eyes.

At the very end, she fully accepted him as he was—the man who moved with such tenderness, heat, and desperation, yet still refused to utter the word “love” through his tightly clenched teeth.

The end was in sight.

Her entire body grew hypersensitive, like the tip of a needle, and radiant light filled her eyes.

At that end, Clade still looked down at her.

Yu An gazed up at him for a long while, wishing this could be the memory she carried into her final moments.

In the heated air, their blurred gazes locked. Her pale, slender hand slowly reached out toward him.

The man roughly pressed his cheek against her hand and murmured.

“…Don’t die.”

At the endlessly low voice, Yu An pulled his trembling back close.

Now, it was truly over.

“I love you, Clade.”

When he wakes up, everything will be over.

***

Beneath her thin, closed eyelids, her eyes trembled.

The intense sunlight pierced through the gaps between her long lashes, forcing her to open her eyes slightly, unable to endure it.

Her pitch-black eyes briefly retreated from the light before snapping wide open.

Yu An jolted upright, her stiff, aching body reacting to a chilling sensation down her spine.

The moment she realized it wasn’t Clade who had woken up, but herself…

“…”

“…”

That was when her eyes met with Eugene Kimfri and Hire Hatarun, silently staring at her from across the room.