161. Why Can’t I?

2024.03.09.

‘What ancient history is this to bring up now?’

As Yu An blinked in bewilderment, Tasha—who had been holding her tightly for a while—slightly loosened her grip and awkwardly scratched her head.

“Even if someone’s a bastard, if you once loved them, it’s not easy to cut your feelings. I know that better than anyone. I hate being this pitiful because of love, but… I guess I’m human after all.”

Tasha spoke with a face that seemed unclear whether she was talking about Yu An or herself, then suddenly lowered her voice.

“Just you know, Yu An. It’s random, but I’m telling you this to cheer you up since you looked so gloomy.”

“What about it?”

Before Yu An could fully register the question, someone knocked on Tasha’s door. After several knocks with no response, Noel peeked his head in.

Yu An, who had tensed up at the sight of shiny blond hair, relaxed as soon as he recognized the chocolate-colored forehead and Noel’s distinctive droopy eyes.

“Speak of the devil.”

Tasha, locking eyes with Noel, whispered into Yu An’s ear.

“I’ll go confess. You go to sleep first.”

“Huh?”

“If you hesitate again tonight, I’m tackling you for sure.”

With a sly wink, Tasha dragged a flustered Noel out of the room.

Yu An stood frozen for a moment, then finally exhaled as the sudden commotion passed.

Though deeply flustered by Clade’s whims, yes—so long as Eugene Kimfri, Tasha, and Noel were around, she could skillfully avoid Clade and never have to face him.

Her turbulent emotions, stirred by Clade despite his absence, gradually settled.

Though she had never actually stood in the middle of the vast southern wheat fields, just being beneath that sky brought Yu An a small sense of peace.

Even if the truths Enoch had revealed were overwhelming, the thought that a soon-to-die person shouldn’t be picky about their companion in the afterlife strangely cooled her head.

The Empress would return straight to the capital shortly after attending the Harvest Festival, provided nothing unexpected occurred.

This was because Emperor Igor had been urgently demanding Empress Marilyn’s return to the palace ever since she left for the south.

To an outsider, it might sound like the imperial couple was deeply affectionate, but Empress Marilyn’s expression each time she received the Emperor’s letter was always grim.

She had already heard the news that the Emperor’s concubine was freely roaming the palace grounds.

‘Even so, I have no choice but to return.’

For now, she was staying temporarily in the east under the pretext of granting Eugene Kimfri’s request, but she would eventually have to return to the palace.

Then, that moment Bollonico had mentioned might come crashing down upon Yu An.

Yu An clenched and unclenched her small hand.

She had practiced her abilities diligently in the south and even tested their limits against pirates.

‘I must kill the Emperor.’

For a brief moment, a murderous glint flickered across her delicate face.

Louise’s enemy.

Clade’s enemy.

‘I must kill that monster, no matter what.’

Until the moment she returned to the capital, she would keep practicing her abilities, and if lucky, perhaps learn something like dagger defense from Eugene Kimfri under the guise of self-protection.

Even the smallest skill would be worth mastering.

Lost in thought, Yu An circled the room when, at some point, she noticed the moonlight on the floor had dimmed slightly. Without much thought, she turned her gaze to the large window.

And suddenly, her steps froze.

A large male hand abruptly grabbed the windowsill with a loud *thud!*—a window left open for ventilation.

As the other hand appeared, Yu An’s eyes widened further.

Then, beneath the bright moonlight, thick blond hair abruptly rose into view.

But this time, it wasn’t Noel’s.

“…Clade?”

This room was on the fifth floor.

Yu An could only stare blankly, her mind frozen, as the man who had climbed the steep wall—without even a terrace—finally brought both feet fully into the room.

Silence stretched for a long while.

The intruder, upon entering, had slowly and intently scanned Yu An from head to toe, while Yu An herself had been staring at the face of the man who had just shaken her moments ago.

“Didn’t you hear what I said earlier?”

Yu An finally broke the silence, prompted by Clade’s appearance—his condition didn’t look any better than when he was severely ill.

“Why are you here?”

Even when she asked coldly, almost too coldly, Clade merely continued staring at her for a long time. Then he smiled.

Unlike the sharp curve of his lips, his eyes, shadowed in darkness with only a faint light behind him, didn’t twitch at all.

After holding that strange, eerie smile for a while, he brightened his gaze and spoke.

“So even Eugene Kimfri knew, but I was the only one who didn’t.”

Before Yu An could even grasp what he meant, his shadow drew closer.

His head, neck, shoulder, and chest—his shadow gradually covered her.

The scent of him, soaked in the night air, the same scent that had once seeped into her skin like cave moisture, now moistened the tip of Yu An’s nose.

“Were you wondering if I’d try to kidnap the ‘sick one’?”

“That’s….”

“Even that bastard knows. Only I didn’t.”

“…Whatever Lady Hire said, it’s all nonsense.”

As Clade drew nearer, she instinctively stepped back, avoiding his gaze.

“Even if it were true, I don’t see what the problem is.”

Finally, her back hit the wall.

Unlike Yu An, who had stopped, Clade showed no intention of retreating, halting just a step away and looking down at her.

“Even if I really were sick, that place couldn’t cure illnesses anyway.”

“….”

“You know why I left, don’t you?”

She couldn’t clearly make out his expression, backlit by the moon. Yu An closed her eyes.

Seizing the thought that this had to end here, she quickly found words that might provoke a reaction and repeated them.

“Roxenhardt is still poor, desolate, and barren. The Black Mansion remains nothing but a massive pile of ash.”

She clenched her teeth, determined to wound him.

“In such a place… I couldn’t endure living with someone who didn’t even love me. That’s all.”

Yu An opened her eyes again.

She couldn’t tell his expression, which frustrated her—but whether fortunately or unfortunately, Clade remained as still as a dawn lake.

In this suffocating space, it seemed Yu An was the only one breathing heavily.

Only after Yu An steadied her breath, which had grown ragged from unexpected excitement, did a low voice finally come from him.

“Since when did we ever begin with love?”

“!”

“Since when have we ever been bound by love?”

Then since when have you cared so much for me? Since when has my health mattered so much to you? Since when have your whims become so extreme?

Yu An swallowed every word she wanted to scream and focused solely on convincing him to leave.

“If it began that way, I don’t want to end it that way.”

Was it working? The other side remained silent. Yu An pressed on, gaining momentum.

“I want to be with someone who truly loves me. I’m a person too—I deserve that much hope.”

Her eyes, having avoided his face, slowly traveled upward to his shoulders.

As the moon dipped lower, Clade’s face, silently gazing at her, grew increasingly clear.

“Your Highness, do you love me?”

Even a single word like ‘love’ made it seem as if her breath had been completely cut off.

Yu An suppressed the surge of emotion and sharply turned her gaze away.

How dare he corner her like this without ever once saying he loved her and was doing all this because of her? The longer his silence stretched, the more miserable she felt.

Facing his silence, Yu An bitterly smiled and said goodbye.

“I understand you’re angry. I hid my poor health and stayed by your side, and you found out from someone else—of course you’re upset. But what changes by barging in like this and pressuring me? You don’t love me, and I just want to live comfortably beside someone who loves me. We want different things—there’s no need for this.”

But the response from the man who had silently listened was the exact opposite of what Yu An expected.

“By whose will?”

As the moon fully sank, Clade’s face was completely revealed.

She had thought his silence meant calmness, but now she saw his eyes were filled with bloodshot veins, glaring at her.

“Are you really going to let the rumor spread that I drove away my sick wife?”

“Who started such a rumor? The whole world knows! I left on my own feet! Because Prince Bollonico seemed to love me more than you!”

“Is this revenge—what Bollonico wants, what you want? Do you think I’ll just stand here and take it? Not a chance.”

Clade showed no restraint, as if he had endured far too much.

“Stop dodging with excuses about Roxenhardt being unable to treat illness. Get examined in front of me. Prove you won’t die. Don’t even dream of divorce until you’re fully healed.”

At the word ‘divorce’ from his mouth, the last thread of Yu An’s rationality snapped tight.

This was too much.

When had he ever acted like divorce was inevitable, telling her not to appear before him, calling her filthy, ready to stamp divorce papers at any moment?

And now he suddenly shows up, threatening her with ‘don’t even dream of divorce’ unless she gets examined?

What meaning did divorce hold now, after all this?

“Why are you doing this? You told me not to appear before you! Didn’t we agree to live as if the other didn’t exist?”

“Don’t die!”

Yu An flinched at the first loud voice to come from his mouth.

Clade, eyes blazing red, closed the final step between them, pinning her with a piercing stare as he spat each word.

“You promised me. You said you wouldn’t die. I said I wanted nothing else. Get examined in front of me. If you’re ill, get treated. Prove you won’t die. Is that really so hard?”

“Why… why are you going this far….”

“You’ve had your way all along.”

“!”

“Why can’t I do the same?”