If You Want To Possess Me - Chapter 86

“…Ah, I see.”

Kisa reacted a bit late to Seiard’s words, surprised.

“I suppose that’s true. Love and doubt do seem like opposite emotions.”

After agreeing with his words somewhat awkwardly, she fidgeted with her fingers on her lap.

“……”

“……”

Whether it was just her imagination or not, an uncomfortable silence seemed to flow in the carriage.

Strange. Even when there was no conversation between them after becoming somewhat close, it had never felt awkward before.

‘This time feels a bit different.’

Kisa carefully observed the person sitting across from her.

It was a gaze filled with expectation that he might change the atmosphere with his usual gentle smile.

However, Seiard seemed lost in thought, staring blankly into space with his arms crossed and an expressionless face.

Seeing this, worry suddenly arose in Kisa’s heart for some reason.

‘Is he angry perhaps?’

He might have been disappointed by the opinion Kisa had just expressed about the opera’s heroine.

Hadn’t she openly defended the heroine who doubted love in front of him, who thought that love and doubt could not coexist?

Rationally speaking, it didn’t seem likely that Seiard’s mood would be affected by mere impressions of an opera, but looking at him made it hard to be entirely dismissive.

Why did she only realize it now? Kisa gained a rather belated realization.

Seiard, who had completely erased any expression of emotion from his face, had a surprisingly cold look.

As the silence in the carriage lengthened, she gradually lost the composure to think rationally.

At the same time, she realized why she had been inwardly surprised to hear his earlier statement that doubt should not accompany love.

It was because this was the first time Seiard had so clearly expressed an opinion contrary to hers.

Come to think of it, he had always quietly supported Kisa until now.

When Kisa was anxious about her impending broken engagement, when she fell into inexplicable lethargy after the broken engagement, when she was shocked by the princess’s violent behavior towards Gabriel.

He had comforted her, and Kisa had found peace of mind in his warm-heartedness.

‘That’s right, Seiard has always been right.’

So surely it would be the same this time as well.

An almost obsessive anxiety moved Kisa’s lips.

Thinking about it again, your opinion seems to be absolutely correct after all. Just as she was about to say that,

“Kisa, I’d like to add something more regarding our earlier conversation.”

Seiard spoke first.

“…About the opera?”

“Yes, upon reflection, I feel I may have given too one-sided an opinion.”

“Ah, yes. Please speak freely.”

“That doubt shouldn’t accompany love – this is merely my opinion. There’s a possibility that I’m wrong and Kisa is right. Or we could both be wrong while being right.”

“Is that so?”

As his words seemed a bit nonsensical, Kisa tilted her head to the side.

He said he could be wrong, but to be honest, it didn’t quite resonate with her.

For Kisa, Seiard Hilan had always been someone who provided the correct answers.

Moreover, what did it mean to be wrong while being right? Wasn’t that contradictory?

As if answering Kisa’s doubts, Seiard slowly began his explanation.

“Because worldly matters are truly complex and peculiar, there are more cases where a clear single answer doesn’t exist. Though this too is just my thought.”

Saying so, he held a faint smile on his lips. It was the moment when the anxiety that had dominated Kisa for the past few minutes dissipated like fog.

“While I consider the heroine’s actions of not trusting her lover to be clearly wrong, it’s also true that because she acted that way, the two were able to open up to each other more sincerely when looking at the overall plot of the play.”

As he turned his gaze to the carriage window reflecting the street scenery, Kisa followed suit and looked outside. The sunset coloring the capital seemed blood-red today.

“If she had continued to just trust her lover until the end, she would have learned about his identity as a lord much later. Perhaps she might never have known.”

Kisa had speculated similarly. At least judging from the scenes shown in the play, the lord didn’t seem to have any intention of revealing his identity to his lover.

“Well, I’m not asserting that one must know the other’s identity to be happy, but if we consider truth to be the most important value in a romantic relationship, this could be seen as an undesirable state. Moreover, it’s unequal. The lord knows her identity, but she alone doesn’t know his. From his perspective, such a relationship might have been quite satisfactory, but that’s merely a one-sided satisfaction.”

“Ah, I felt that way too!”

Kisa nodded unconsciously. Listening to his explanation, she felt as if the things in her mind were being organized into clear terms.

At the same time, she could understand why she had felt uncomfortable watching the play where criticism of the heroine’s distrust and ignorance was prevalent.

In the play, the heroine was thoroughly in the position of a sinner who had committed a wrong, while the male lead was in a benevolent position of forgiving her with love.

One critic even interpreted these two characters as representing the relationship between a misguided human doubting God’s existence and God caring for such a human with generosity, but…

‘Honestly, I don’t really understand such religious perspectives.’

For Kisa, it was simply unsettling that while the lord was the one who first hid the truth, only the heroine became the object of criticism and edification.

Seiard stroked his chin with his long, delicate fingers as he continued.

“In that sense, the heroine’s doubt could be seen as a natural emotional response and a first step towards the best possible future. Though the latter part is somewhat of a retrospective view.”

“Hmm, because there’s no guarantee that the heroine’s actions will only lead to good results, right?”

“That’s correct. In reality, the lord might have simply recoiled in betrayal and rejected the heroine. If that happened, her situation as a captive would become quite miserable.”

A beautiful woman having to endure alone in enemy territory without the lord’s protection. Just imagining it made one’s heart sink.

“Though it’s not explicitly shown in the work, the heroine must have anticipated all this. She chose to seek the truth despite knowing. It was a very courageous decision.”

Kisa stared at Seiard intently. A person who says that doubt shouldn’t accompany love, yet highly evaluates the heroine who doubted her lover.

Which side did he place more weight on? Suddenly, she became curious about that.

Perhaps it was because she had come to reflect on herself while discussing the opera.

‘Haven’t I made the same mistake as her?’

Hadn’t she gone down to the monastery to learn about his past, unable to fully trust Seiard?

At the time, she was far from becoming his lover and hadn’t even properly realized her own feelings, but in fact, Kisa had already harbored feelings for him since then.

In other words, she had doubted him while loving him.

Sweat gathered in her clenched hand.

What would Seiard do if he ever found out about this?

Would he say it’s okay, as he always did? Would he forgive her in the end, like the male lead in the play, even if disappointed at first?

‘Or……’

Kisa swallowed dry at the ominous imagination that involuntarily formed in her mind.

“Um, Seiard.”

His gaze returned as she called his name.

Feeling uneasy under that calm gaze like a guilty person, she asked a question.

“If you were in the lord’s position, what do you think you would have done? Do you think you would have forgiven your lover?”

“If I were him, you mean?”

“I tried to imagine it, but I couldn’t tell. I fully understand her feelings, but I think it would be sad to be doubted by the person you love……”

As if intending to give a serious answer even to Kisa’s trivial question, his eyes closed.

“Well.”

After a moment, Seiard opened his eyes.

“If I were to be doubted by the person I love, that would truly be……”

For an instant, Kisa felt as if the reddish-brown eyes she met were rippling with intense emotion.

However, that change disappeared behind his eyelids in the blink of an eye.

“I’m sorry. I find it difficult to imagine such a dramatic situation as well.”

He smiled awkwardly, narrowing his eyes.

“Perhaps we’d only know if it actually happened? Well, since I’m not hiding my identity like the lord, the possibility of such a thing happening is almost non-existent.”

“…That’s true.”

Kisa forced a laugh, “Haha.”

“I’m sorry for asking such strange things.”

“Not at all. It’s quite enjoyable to have various discussions with you after watching the play.”

At that moment, the carriage came to a stop. They had arrived at Count Vanspelt’s residence.

Seiard, who got out of the carriage first, skillfully escorted Kisa.

He kissed the back of his lover’s hand as a farewell greeting, then asked regretfully,

“Will you continue to accompany me like this in the future? There are still many performances we haven’t seen.”

“Of course.”

When Kisa answered so, a satisfied smile appeared on the man’s face.

Afterwards, it happened in an instant that he dropped his lips on Kisa’s round forehead.

“Then, until next time.”

Promising a next time, he departed.

What awaited Kisa when she returned to her room was a pile of letters that had arrived today.

“Haah.”

With a light sigh, she opened them one by one and briefly scanned the contents.

Then her hand stopped at one particular letter.

Unlike the envelope with a somewhat unfamiliar name written on it, a familiar handwriting caught her eye.

Kisa, I’ve discovered an incredible fact while mingling with that guy’s relatives. This is truly incredible. You’ll be shocked to hear it too.

It was Daniel Rowen again.

Kisa crumpled up the letter without hesitation.

This time, she wouldn’t be wrong.