What state of mind could have brought me back home?

Kisa sat in front of her dressing table and quietly gazed into the mirror. Bright blonde hair inherited from her mother and blue eyes from her father. The same as always.

However, the face of Kisa Vanspelt, known as the flower of high society with her striking features, looked more haggard than ever today. Her skin lacked luster and there were dark circles under her eyes.

It was only natural. Kisa hadn’t slept a wink last night. After experiencing such an event, she couldn’t peacefully fall asleep.

“Young miss, how long are you going to sit there in a daze?”

Just then, a middle-aged woman carrying a washbasin entered Kisa’s room. She was the nanny who had been taking care of Kisa since she was a baby.

“Nanny, what brings you here? Is Marsha unwell?”

Bringing Kisa’s washbasin was normally Marsha the maid’s job.

“No, I just happened to be coming to see you and snatched the basin Marsha was carrying on the way.”

“Is it because of what happened yesterday?”

“That’s right. I heard from Marsha that you went to Ipichi Street last evening? Whatever possessed you to do such a thing? If the Count finds out, you could be in big trouble.”

Kisa lowered her eyes as she recalled the face of her stern and gruff father.

“Does Father know?”

“No. Fortunately, he came home late yesterday, saying he had a business-related meeting.”

The nanny placed the washbasin on the dressing table and stroked Kisa’s hair.

“Come now, tell just me. What on earth made you go to a street you’ve never been to before? And you came back so late in the evening too.”

Kisa knew. Though the nanny truly cared for her, she was both Kisa’s caretaker and a loyal servant of the Vanspelt family.

If the nanny found out, the Count would surely find out too. Kisa didn’t want to tell her father about what happened yesterday just yet.

“It was nothing.”

Knowing the nanny would pry persistently if she left it at that, Kisa added a plausible excuse.

“I wanted to meet Daniel.”

“Young Master Daniel?”

Daniel’s father, Marquis Lowens, had a long-standing close relationship with Count Vanspelt. They were such good friends that they even engaged their children.

In any case, the two of them often visited each other’s homes with their fathers when they were young, so the nanny was quite familiar with Daniel.

“Yes, I haven’t seen Daniel in a while. At the tea party I attended yesterday, there was talk about fiancés, and I suddenly felt a strong desire to see Daniel.”

Thinking about what happened yesterday made her heart ache every time she pronounced Daniel’s name.

But it was necessary to deceive the nanny. If she gave a clumsy excuse, the nanny, who knew Kisa inside and out, would quickly become suspicious.

“Hmm, I see. Come to think of it, I hear young noblemen like Young Master Daniel are fond of such places.”

Fortunately, the nanny seemed to believe Kisa’s excuse. After all, Kisa had rarely lied to her nanny.

“Still, it wasn’t proper behavior. What if something had happened to you, going to such a place without even taking an escort?”

“I’m sorry, I was in a hurry.”

Perhaps moved to sympathy by Kisa’s haggard appearance, the nanny soon continued in a softer voice.

“Well, alright. I suppose it’s all Young Master Daniel’s fault. What could be keeping him so busy that he neglects his fiancée like this? Even after being apart for so long while studying abroad.”

“…You’re right. He’s truly awful.”

“I know, right? He used to have his cute moments when he was younger, but now that he’s grown up, not so much.”

In the midst of badmouthing Daniel, the nanny suddenly exclaimed, “Ah!”

“So you weren’t able to meet the young master in the end? Is that why you look so glum?”

Grateful that the nanny had provided a reason for Kisa’s poor appearance, she decided to just agree.

“Yes, I waited at a cafe Daniel frequently visits, just in case, but it seems yesterday wasn’t a day he comes, so I couldn’t meet him.”

“Oh my. If he has time to go drinking tea, he should make time to show his face to you. Anyway, that’s that. I’ll let it slide this once, but you must never act like that again.”

“Why?”

“Pardon?”

“Why must I not?”

“W-well, that’s because…”

Surprised by Kisa’s response, the nanny stumbled over her words. In truth, even the one who had asked the question was quite surprised at herself. Why? The usual Kisa would have docilely nodded at the nanny’s instructions.

“Never mind. I asked a silly question. Of course, I shouldn’t go to such places carelessly.”

As Kisa changed her tune, the nanny urged her with a relieved expression.

“That’s right, I’m glad you understand. Now, hurry and wash up. It’s almost time to leave. You remember you have to attend Duchess Darion’s piano recital today, don’t you?”

“Yes.”

Kisa moistened her face with warm water and then wiped away the moisture with the towel the nanny handed her. When she finished washing, the nanny picked up the basin again and was about to leave the room.

“Hey.”

Suddenly, Kisa found herself stopping her.

“What is it, young miss?”

“…Am I not very intelligent?”

“Intelligent?”

“Yes, I was wondering what you think, since you’ve been watching me since I was little.”

“Why are you suddenly asking such a thing?”

“I just became curious. I’ve been losing at bridge games lately. Is my mind not working well?”

“Oh, young miss. It’s just a card game.”

The nanny smiled good-naturedly, without seeming to give it much thought.

“Don’t worry. You’re plenty smart, young miss. Your etiquette teacher, writing teacher, dance teacher, and music teacher all praised you generously.”

“But I don’t know much about fields like history or philosophy. I never studied them separately.”

“Pardon? Why would you need such things, young miss?”

“…It’s nothing.”

Kisa laughed awkwardly, then continued preparing to go out.

Even while listening to Duchess Darion’s mediocre performance, Kisa’s mind was elsewhere. After joining in with others to applaud a few times, all the prepared pieces had already been played.

“Thank you, everyone. I’d especially like to take this opportunity to thank my husband, who has supported me in every way so that I haven’t given up on the piano until now.”

Standing on the stage, Duchess Darion went on at length about her husband, as if she were truly happy in her married life.

“Oh, by the way, I hear that to celebrate Reading Month, the Royal Library, where my husband serves as director, is holding an event to promote reading culture. If you have time, please drop by at least once when you’re in the area.”

Kisa thought about various noble couples, including the Duke and Duchess of Darion. Most nobles enter loveless marriages, but how many of those couples are truly happy?

In the carriage returning to the Vanspelt mansion, Kisa suddenly felt stifled. Strangely, she felt reluctant to return to her beloved home where she was born and raised.

Just then, a building flashed by outside the window. On impulse, Kisa opened the window and told the coachman to change the carriage’s destination.

A while later, Kisa stepped into the Royal Library. Marsha was full of anxiety due to her mistress creating another unscheduled event, but Kisa had her own excuse.

She was merely fulfilling Duchess Darion’s request. And it was Count Vanspelt who had sent his daughter to the recital earlier to curry favor with the Duchess.

With such justification, even he wouldn’t say much.

“You can use Reading Room 8.”

When Kisa said she would read books at the library before returning, the librarian assigned her to Reading Room 8. It was one of the reading rooms reserved for nobles and was quite empty.

Unless one wanted to view a very rare book, books were generally things nobles bought. Moreover, even if they read library books, they usually borrowed them to take home rather than coming to the reading room.

Kisa settled at a table bathed in sunlight and opened a book she had brought from the central reading room. It was a book explaining the theory proposed by the philosopher Bart, called Bartism.

“I asked where you’re stupid, didn’t I? Then let me ask you one thing, Kisa. What do you think about Bartism?”

If she closed her eyes, she could still hear Daniel’s words from last night echoing in her ears.

How could such a trivial thing trample on a person’s self-esteem so much? Such a trivial thing.

Kisa muttered as she took in the black letters arrayed on the paper.

And time passed. Enough time for the sky, which had been blue when she entered the library, to turn red and then darken.

Huu, Kisa barely swallowed the sob that threatened to escape between her teeth.

But she couldn’t close her tear ducts, so a few drops of moisture rolled down her cheeks, spotting the paper.

She hurriedly wiped away the tears that had stained the book and continued reading the passage she had been on with blurry vision. Numerous words floated around in her head, but she could fully understand the meaning of only a few of them.

She didn’t understand. No matter how many times she read it, she couldn’t understand at all. Finally confirming that no one else was in Reading Room 8, Kisa began to weep.

In truth, similar to Daniel’s betrayal yesterday, or perhaps even more so, what had damaged Kisa’s heart was the anxiety that she might really be stupid, as Daniel had said.

She wanted to deny it, but she couldn’t. Kisa had no proper grounds to argue that she wasn’t stupid.

She felt wronged that she had to feel this way. Wasn’t Daniel clearly the one who had done wrong?

But this book, which she couldn’t even properly understand a single page of, made Kisa feel ashamed.

If she hadn’t been satisfied with just the limited teachings given by her father and nanny, and had sought more than that, would something have been different?

If she had, could she have answered Daniel’s questions smoothly and then told him that it wasn’t him abandoning her, but her abandoning him?

Regrettably, that was an unattainable fantasy, and to Daniel and that woman, Kisa was just a dull and cumbersome existence.

That fact made her so sorrowful that she couldn’t stop crying.

It was then.

“Why are you crying?”

A voice that shouldn’t have been heard, was heard. Kisa whirled around to the source of the sound.

“Oh my, did I startle you? I’m sorry.”

A man was leaning against a bookshelf.

“It’s the first time I’ve seen someone cry while reading about Bartism, so I spoke without thinking.”

He smiled faintly, squinting his eyes.