The cold bathroom was filled with warm steam. Lynette, who had been asking about the temperature of the bathwater and what fragrance to add, subtly shared her true thoughts.

“To be honest, I’m torn.”

“It’s about taking in Alice as a maid, isn’t it?”

Ilarid lowered herself into the bathtub filled with fragrant oils and flower petals. Recently, she had been taking hot baths more frequently. While the maids unanimously recommended it, she had grown accustomed to the warm sensation enveloping her body at some point.

Lynette, who had prepared towels in advance, placed a small chair near the bathtub and sat down. This was after she had dismissed all the other maids, insisting on attending to the bath herself.

“I can guess why Her Majesty the Empress wants to bring in Alice.”

“It’s a kind of symbolism. Saying, ‘I’ve taken your family as my own.'”

It was tantamount to a declaration of war against the Diobe family, who were closely cooperating with the Emperor. Perhaps it would look like a hostage situation. Others might be appalled, thinking it was blackmail using family members.

“She’s related to the Empress by blood. No matter what, wouldn’t her heart lean towards her father and siblings? If the Diobe family were to use Alice to monitor the Empress’s quarters…”

“No, it’s quite the opposite.”

Ilarid dismissed Lynette’s concerns.

From what she had learned about Alice, she had graduated from the girls’ school with excellent grades. With such achievements, she would have likely received marriage proposals from decent noble families.

But Alice had not chosen marriage. She had missed the time to debut in social circles, and the Diobe family had been gradually squandering their fortune, walking the path of decline.

The eldest daughter who broke the long-standing noble belief of not working and took on any job to feed her family.

If that were the case, now that the family had flourished, they should automatically express gratitude every time they saw Alice’s face. They should have been showering her with good things out of guilt and gratitude.

“As soon as I saw Alice, I felt something was off. As you know, Count Diobe is someone who greatly values appearances. The same goes for Selina. If that were the case, they should have at least pinned a brooch on their daughter who was entering the palace with them…”

It wasn’t just anywhere, but the Empress’s quarters. In normal circumstances, one would dress up elaborately to catch the Empress’s eye or out of respect when entering the palace.

But Alice was excessively plain. While it seemed that by nature she didn’t pay much attention to dressing up, would Count Diobe really have let her appear like that?

If persuasion didn’t work, he would have forced it. He would have made her wear at least one small piece of jewelry, or added one more hair ornament. After all, there are hardly any parents who dislike seeing their children look pretty and radiant.

Or perhaps they thought the Empress wasn’t worth impressing.

“…Do I look that lacking in authority?”

“How could you say such a thing!”

“I’m joking. Just listening to her talk, it’s hard to believe they’re from the same family.”

“To be honest, I was surprised. They look alike, but I could believe it if someone said she was someone else’s daughter.”

“I was also a bit surprised when she said she didn’t want to get married.”

She can choose. Why didn’t I think of that back then?

What if, at that time, I had declared that I wouldn’t enter the palace? What if I had said that I absolutely, under no circumstances, would marry the Crown Prince? Would everyone have been safe then?

Regret always comes in waves like this. Ilarid submerged herself fully in the bathtub as if trying to erase these thoughts. The sound of water droplets falling somewhere in the bathroom dispersed in the air, heavy with moisture.

On days like this, she always finds herself lost in thought. Even after bathing in warm water and applying lavender-scented oil chosen by the maids, she felt restless rather than sleepy. The innocent blanket only wrinkled and smoothed out repeatedly.

Finally, after tossing and turning several times, Ilarid couldn’t bear it anymore and sat up. The person lying next to her also rose.

“Can’t you sleep?”

The ‘shadow’ whispered in the dim light. The lamplight flickered in tune with his low voice.

Lebel seemed ready to move according to Ilarid’s response. There was even a sense of determination, as if he would pat her and sing a lullaby if she asked to be put to sleep.

The person sleeping next to me can’t even rest comfortably due to my restlessness. Ilarid, feeling apologetic, tried to dissuade him.

“I’m sorry, did I wake you?”

“Not at all.”

Right next to Ilarid lay a sword. And the sword’s owner was there too. She let out a faint sigh and sat on the edge of the bed, hugging her knees.

“I’m troubled by too many thoughts. It seems like a great fortune to be able to fall asleep without thinking about anything.”

The bed shook a few times, and the spot next to her sank. Lebel had already assumed the same position as Ilarid and was listening to her words.

“Then, instead of thinking… please talk to me.”

Talk, is it? Should I dig up the past again and show it off as my memories? But memories can’t be held in hand, so they’re not visible to others. Ilarid gave a deflated smile.

“What should I do, I’m not good with words at all. Should I tell an old story?”

“Anything is fine. You can talk about personal matters, or even speak ill of others.”

“Then all sorts of things might come out.”

“Listening with one ear and letting it go is my specialty. I can even close my ears completely. Which would you prefer?”

“…Then listen and let it pass.”

“Understood.”

Does he have all the answers prepared inside him? Ilarid was momentarily stunned by his smooth response. Would it be a little easier if I just spilled it all out?

Like when she had cried out her sorrow in his arms in front of the child’s grave.

Ilarid took a deep breath and looked at her sole listener sitting beside her.

“Then, let’s start with what happened today.”

What happened today? The young lady from the Diobe family, Alice, had come. And I had offered her a position as a maid.

“She said she didn’t want to get married. If I too… had given up on entering the palace, what would have happened? Then everyone would have been safe.”

The position of Crown Princess, though burdensome, did seem impressive as everyone looked up to it. It was like a world of pure fragrance and sweetness, something that would never break.

But high positions were always like sharp pinnacles. You never know when you might slip and fall down. That’s why you always have to tremble in fear and face blood often.

Throughout her speech, Ilarid hugged her raised knees tightly. Her shoulders, her voice began to tremble more and more as she continued her story.

“I’m anxious. I always have to think about ‘what if.’ What if, really if, Cledius tries to harm you. If he takes the entire mercenary group hostage… If he once again drives all those who declared to help me to their deaths…”

Lebel watched Ilarid’s condition with an anxious expression. What should I do? Ilarid was becoming visibly more anxious.

A finely trembling body. A body drifting away from rest. When will you be able to find peace?

“Your Majesty the Empress. May I… hold you for a moment?”

Silence approached like darkness. It would be a burden. Lebel smiled bitterly. No matter if he was the ‘shadow’, Ilarid was the Empress, the Emperor’s wife. An uncrossable line, a massive wall. A relationship where even comfort needed permission.

“…Hold me.”

It was a very small whisper. Lebel doubted his ears for a moment. Was that just now a command from the lady to hold her?

As he hesitated, Ilarid slowly raised her head. Should I say it’s fortunate? Ilarid wasn’t crying. But she was visibly trembling with anxiety.

“Please. Hold me.”

The darkness in the bedroom was sufficiently dark. Dark enough to hide anything that might happen. Lebel followed Ilarid’s order. He carefully extended his arms and pulled Ilarid into his embrace.

Soft hair touching his chest. The sound of rapid breathing trying to steady itself. Lebel slid his hand into Ilarid’s silver hair. And he slowly took deep breaths along with Ilarid.

He felt like he might be caught by the sound of his fiercely beating heart. She would hear it. She would find out. The only person who makes my heart beat, who makes me live.

Should I take out my heart and show it to you? But since I can’t do that, I can only let you know like this.

The slightly shaking shoulders gradually calmed down. After a moment passed, Ilarid realized that she had unconsciously wrapped her arms around Lebel’s waist.

“Ah…”

“Are you alright now?”

Ilarid separated herself from Lebel. Warm traces remained where his hands had touched her body.

“I’m better than before. Thank you.”

But it didn’t seem like she would fall asleep easily. Ilarid considered taking the medicine prescribed by Leticia but soon gave up the idea.

On days when she took that medicine, she would fall into such a deep sleep that she wouldn’t even notice if someone came near her. It was no exaggeration to say that she would lose almost an entire day.

She didn’t want to show weakness to them. An Empress who can’t sleep due to anxiety. Ilarid who has to rely on medicine to fall asleep.

You were just that kind of person. They would sneer, saying you pretended to be strong, pretended to endure without wavering, putting on airs.

At this rate, she was set to stay up all night rather than fall asleep. Lebel recalled the medicine bottle that Lynette had pointed out. The one Ilarid takes when she’s anxious and can’t sleep. He got up from the bed for a moment and opened the drawer of the bedside table to take out the green medicine bottle.

A small white pill. A small stability responsible for night and rest. Lebel opened Ilarid’s palm and placed the medicine on it.

“I think you might need the medicine.”

She wanted to sleep comfortably. There were more days when she couldn’t sleep, weighed down by thoughts, than days when she could sleep soundly without any worries.

Nevertheless, Ilarid couldn’t swallow the medicine right away. She stared at the white pill on her palm for a long time before shaking her head.

“I really don’t want to show this side of me…”

What’s so difficult that she keeps hesitating? A self-deprecating mutter flowed from her lips. Lebel watched Ilarid’s anxiety for a long time. Then, as if he had made some decision, he spoke in a firm voice.

“Forgive me, Your Majesty the Empress.”

The pill on her palm disappeared. Before Ilarid could be surprised, Lebel held the pill between his lips.

“What are you doing…”

A faint bitter taste spread on his lips and tongue tip. His movements in his mouth were slow and careful.

Is this when you use the expression that your mind goes blank? Ilarid couldn’t even think of pushing him away. She just grabbed Lebel’s arm with trembling hands.

Finally, their lips parted. Rapid breaths passed between the two. The medicine had long since disappeared in Ilarid’s mouth. Her cheeks, which Lebel had cupped, had already warmed up and become hot.

He gently wiped Ilarid’s lips with his thumb.

“Your Majesty the Empress.”

A voice more excited than usual. Ilarid didn’t have the courage to meet Lebel’s eyes. If she looked into his eyes one more time, she might be the one to kiss him first.

But Lebel forcibly met Ilarid’s gaze. A deeper eye contact, different from the kiss just before, continued. He spoke with a faint smile.

“Don’t focus on the numerous hypotheses of ‘what if.’ Just think about the one thing that Your Majesty the Empress will accomplish.”

Think of one hope instead of a thousand anxieties and ten thousand despairs.

“I will do everything else. That is… my reason for existence.”

It would still take time for the medicine to take effect. The quiet eye contact between the two continued through the dark night.

Gazes that met and penetrated, glances that touched softly and shattered, scattered in all directions with a clear sound.

Ilarid was drawn into his blue eyes for a long time, unable to say anything.