A hand can reveal a lot about a person’s life.

While some hands are soft and warm like freshly baked white bread, others are covered in all kinds of traces.

Lebel’s hands, like his body, were covered in scars.

They say that when pain persists in the same place, the skin hardens. There were calluses all over the palms of his hands, which must have gone through countless battles. It made Ilarid feel guilty for thinking they had been soft in her dream.

The slight pain from disinfecting and applying ointment seemed to be nothing to him. While Ilarid was wrapping the bandage, Lebel didn’t let out even a faint groan.

His gaze was fixed solely on Ilarid. Since they hadn’t met for a while, he wanted to drink in the sight of her.

How long had he been staring? Lebel noticed a diagonal scar on Ilarid’s nape.

‘Was that scar always there?’

His eyebrows furrowed slightly as he tried to recall. Ilarid had entered the palace shortly after Lebel came to the mansion. At least it wasn’t a wound from around that time.

‘When exactly…’

But he didn’t want to deliberately probe into the circumstances of the wound. Lebel kept his mouth shut. Perhaps someday, he thought, he would come to know.

He was already accustomed to letting go of expectations and settling things. Before entering the palace, hadn’t he resolved to be used even if he couldn’t win the lady’s heart?

A deep silence passed. The more curious a person is, the more likely they are to speak first. Ilarid quietly asked, not taking her eyes off his hands.

“You must have many questions…”

It sounded like a thought that had escaped. Wasn’t Ilarid the one overflowing with things she wanted to ask? Just as a bitter smile was about to form on her lips, Lebel’s calm voice was heard.

“I was waiting. Patiently.”

Ilarid’s hand, which was still wrapping the bandage, suddenly stopped. As she slowly raised her head, Lebel’s blue eyes came into view.

Only then did she realize that Lebel had been staring at Ilarid all along, not at the wounds on his hands.

“How is it?”

A quiet voice without much emotion settled at Ilarid’s feet. Lebel’s fingers slowly intertwined with hers over her momentarily paused hand.

“Am I suitable enough as a servant?”

“What do you mean…”

“Am I fit to be a tool for the Empress?”

“Don’t say such things. People are not tools.”

All traces of her trembling while disinfecting and applying medicine to the wounds had vanished. Ilarid looked straight into Lebel’s eyes and spoke firmly.

When she first thought of bringing him into the palace, she had resolved to use him without hesitation, but in the end, Ilarid’s scale tipped to one side.

Lebel left only a faint smile, as if he had anticipated her answer.

‘You’re still the same, my lady.’

The warm and compassionate original Ilarid remained inside her cold and calculating exterior. Perhaps if it had been another mercenary instead of Lebel, she would have hesitated and pondered many times.

She was probably still worrying about what happened at the cemetery a few days ago. Wondering whether to bring it up. Whether it would be alright to confide in this unfamiliar person before her.

And Lebel’s prediction was accurate. Ilarid spoke the words she had been endlessly thinking about.

“That day… I’m sorry. There was no need to speak so coldly, my grief must have been too much.”

Why do apologies always come at the very end? If she had said it earlier, she could have looked him straight in the eye, could have faced him sooner.

“Your Majesty.”

Lebel called out to her as he once again filled the gaps between their fingers. By now, blood was slowly returning to Ilarid’s cold hands.

“I dare not measure Your Majesty’s sorrow.”

In his eyes, there was a moisture that came from one who had experienced deep pain. The blue that had been purely blue now settled downwards, carrying loneliness. After maintaining silence for a moment, Lebel slowly opened his mouth.

“But if you’re in so much pain that your heart aches, I’d advise you to cry to your heart’s content.”

“…You’ve done it before.”

“Yes.”

It was now a distant past. Was it when he had barely survived the burning warehouse and fled to the border, and kept running? The memory of crying out until his throat was raw, remembering the people he had lived with one by one, came to mind.

“I may not be able to become a tool for you, but I can lend you my shoulder.”

What was he saying? Ilarid had to blink her eyes to find the meaning behind Lebel’s words. He smiled slightly and continued.

“I’ve lent it to you once, can’t I do it twice?”

The memory of falling asleep in his arms when she was suffering from a severe headache came to mind. Ilarid startled away from Lebel as if burned.

‘He must be joking?’

Did he mean she could cry on his shoulder? Suddenly startled, she let go of his hand, causing the unfinished bandage to unravel and hang down.

Oh no. Ilarid muttered quietly as she began to tidy up the loose bandage again.

“I’ve decided to stop crying. It’s too exhausting.”

There was a time when she cried a lot. Even when she lost all her family members, tears would flow habitually as soon as she opened her eyes. She wished the sun wouldn’t rise the next day. If time could just stop, she could slowly wither away and turn her back on the world.

She wished all the strength in her body would drain away. But then she found out she was pregnant, and with someone to protect, she stopped crying.

She absolutely didn’t want to break down. Whenever tears threatened to fall, she would either close her eyes or cry alone where no one could see her.

“…It’s done.”

Finally, their hands separated completely. Lebel clenched his hand once and then opened it. A knot that he hoped would never come undone rested on his palm.

“Thank you, Your Majesty.”

Should I go back now? Ilarid began to ponder for a moment, feeling the weight of Lebel’s coat still pressing on her shoulders.

“Do you have something on your mind?”

Perhaps this man had the power to read people’s minds rather than the ability to suppress his presence. Ilarid, hit right on the mark, slowly opened her mouth.

“…How much would it cost to hire the entire mercenary group?”

“It depends on what you need done.”

“What’s the extent of what you can do?”

“We’ll do anything you order.”

For some reason, Lebel’s eyes seemed to shine as he finished speaking. He leaned close to Ilarid and whispered as if sharing a secret.

“…Is there someone you need dealt with discreetly? The Empress Consort, perhaps?”

“Watch your mouth.”

Ilarid instinctively looked around. Apart from the faint sound of crickets, no one was in sight.

“We can do it without leaving any traces.”

Was he talking about poisoning? Ilarid thought of someone in the palace who was skilled in poisoning.

In the past, she had heard that the Empress Dowager was adept at detecting and using poisons. Because of this, her mother and brother used to send an abundance of silver and various poison detection tools and antidotes for a while.

Perhaps because of this influence, there were rumors among the palace people that Cledius was also knowledgeable about poisons. He never showed it, but who knows? He might be making poisons in some corner of the Imperial Palace.

Above all, there wasn’t just one or two people who needed to be killed. If she attempted poisoning or assassination carelessly, it would surely be discovered by Cledius or other nobles.

Reading Ilarid’s hesitation, Lebel moved away from her. Then, as if making a light joke, he said nonchalantly.

“If you change your mind, please give the order anytime. At least I won’t charge Your Majesty any extra fees.”

Lebel took Ilarid’s hand first. Considering the difference in status, it was a bold, even outrageous action. But Ilarid didn’t stop him, quietly waiting for his next move.

Soon, the small white crescent hanging at the tip of her fingernail touched Lebel’s lips. She could clearly feel the slightly rough sensation on her hard fingernail.

“Shall we go back now?”

The edge of his lips, where suppressed sorrow would be contained. Why did his words seem to carry the saltiness of dried tears?

Lebel slowly lowered Ilarid’s hand. But his heart couldn’t be put down completely.

The early summer night’s dream was short. Ilarid, unable to refuse Lebel’s request to escort her to the Empress’s Palace, walked with him, matching his pace.

It was a dream she didn’t want to wake from, but this path to the Empress’s Palace was also the path back to reality.

Ilarid was holding the tip of Lebel’s hand lightly, just like before. It was better to be careful in advance in case someone discovered them, which would be troublesome.

Lebel was more favorable to Ilarid than she had expected. It felt like she could close her eyes tight, throw away her conscience, and use Lebel.

But Lebel had the members of his mercenary group. If she were to use Lebel, what about the members? She couldn’t wield them at will without asking for their opinions.

‘Probably more people would leave Lebel if they knew the truth.’

They had just recruited new members. Those who joined out of respect for Lebel, or out of necessity, might be disappointed.

When you don’t treat people as objects, thoughts always become complicated and difficult.

If she had simply regarded them as chess pieces to be used, Ilarid would have mercilessly sent them to their deaths. She might have even immediately given them money and ordered them to kill Cledius.

But only people can think about and care for other people. No matter how much it was for revenge, she couldn’t casually use people.

Lost in thought, they had already arrived near the Empress’s Palace. Unable to hide the regret of parting at the last step, Lebel quietly murmured.

“We’ve arrived.”

“Thank you for coming all the way here. And… for this too.”

Ilarid took off his coat that was still on her shoulders and held it out. But Lebel reached out and returned the coat to Ilarid.

“Please keep it, Your Majesty.”

“Why this…”

“I wanted to leave an excuse to come to the Empress’s Palace.”

How could the word ‘excuse’ sound so pleasant? The sound of her heartbeat loudly filled her ears. As she watched his gentle smile, one thought crossed Ilarid’s mind.

“If I… If I make an absurd proposal later, will you help me without laughing?”

“If it’s Your Majesty’s order, I will do anything.”

Lebel’s firm voice spoke the truth. At his low voice that made it seem like all the worries in the world would disappear, Ilarid inadvertently let out a sigh of relief.

“Thank you…”

She kept looking back at Lebel all the way to the Empress’s Palace. Lebel quietly nodded and maintained eye contact to reassure her, watching until the end as Ilarid entered.

‘Please use me as you wish.’

Lebel lowered his posture and gently touched the shadow of her that had already disappeared.

The desire he thought he had buried in his heart began to stir again at his fingertips. When he held her in his eyes, he wanted to embrace her; when he embraced her, he wanted to stay by her side.

The final destination of the desire he ultimately concealed was to be with Ilarid until the end of her life.

‘I know that’s impossible.’

Lebel’s hand tensed. His right hand with its neat white knot, bearing Ilarid’s warmth and traces. He closed his eyes and shook his head at his own desire.

An unreachable person. A relationship where he could only hold her in his eyes and occasionally lend her his shoulder. Isn’t that enough? More greed only invites trouble.

Lebel brushed the ground as if caressing the traces of her shadow. The fleeting sand dust left only the trail of his hand’s passage.