I Regret The Kindness I Gave You (20 Chapters Left to Complete) - Chapter 5
Elizabeth let out a short, labored breath but never stopped staring intently at Merche.
Twenty-odd years ago today, I gave birth to a son who wouldn’t breathe.
If only that tiny, red newborn had breathed like any other child, a grown son would stand in that place now.
The people of the castle pitied her each year around mid-October, watching her faint or fall into fever.
After losing her child, she was also declared barren within a year—surely a wretched fate worthy of sympathy.
Yet in Elizabeth’s own eyes, there existed someone far more pitiable than herself.
That child—Merche—who had taken her son’s place.
At merely seven years old, Merche was torn from her family and isolated in a strange castle, orphaned by the hands of the cold-hearted Genovefa.
It was all done to preemptively eliminate any possible interference from maternal relatives.
“I will serve Lupinus faithfully. Please, spare my younger sister. I swear I’ll never bring shame to the house.”
She remembered the sight of that pitifully small figure kneeling, begging for her sister’s life.
Eyes swollen beyond recognition, reddened and raw, yet holding back tears before Genovefa—her voice trembling with heartbreaking desperation.
No child of that age should ever endure such trials.
Yet that child endured. Only to save her younger sister’s life.
In that regard, Merche Ashtad was truly strong.
More noble than anyone else, flawless in every way.
Though she couldn’t command the wolf pack, that was because she was from a cadet branch—the diluted blood of Lupinus, not Merche’s fault.
Indeed, aside from commanding wolves, she had shown utterly impeccable results in every other aspect.
In Elizabeth’s eyes, Merche was fully qualified to be heir to the Lupinus household.
And yet—though she clearly knew him—why did she feel so uneasy… so uncomfortable around this child?
“Come closer.”
At Elizabeth’s words, Merche took a few steps forward until she stood right beside the bed.
Her smooth, golden hair—seeming to catch the light—and vivid blue eyes became strikingly clear.
Her straight posture and delicately lowered pale-gold lashes.
When their eyes met, Elizabeth let out a low groan.
Such breathtaking elegance and grace.
“My son… if he’d lived, he would have been just like you.”
That tiny, lifeless bundle—never once held in her arms—had he grown up safely,
he surely would have become a child possessing precisely that grace.
The more she looked at Merche, the more she saw the image of her own son, whose face she’d never properly seen.
A hot lump rose in her chest, and her breath caught abruptly, as if choked by fire.
That was it—this child made her uncomfortable precisely because she kept reminding Elizabeth of the son she’d lost.
Because she was that dazzling, living child occupying the place that should have belonged to her dead son.
“…I’m uncomfortable around you. When I look at you, hatred inevitably rises. After all, you gained that place only because my son died.”
“…….”
“Do you think I’m wicked for feeling this way?”
Merche met Elizabeth’s feverish, blurred gaze without moving.
Was Elizabeth Lupinus’s resentment truly wicked?
The answer came easily. Merche believed Elizabeth’s resentment toward her wasn’t wrong—in fact, it might even be natural.
Any mother would be devastated to see another child take the place of her deceased child.
But the truly difficult question was this: Should she tell Elizabeth about that man—Lud—whom she’d discovered recently?
That perhaps her “dead” son might actually be alive—that someone had schemed to steal him away?
Perhaps confessing this would finally be the right thing to do—especially to a mother grieving so deeply for her child.
…Yet in the end, Merche decided to postpone her confession.
Instead of telling Elizabeth about Lud, she chose to give her the answer she wanted.
In truth, it was also her genuine feeling.
“Lord Komeo is not a bad person.”
“…Why?”
“I cannot presume to fully understand Lord Komeo’s feelings, but even if it’s only a fragment, I believe I comprehend it.”
Merche lifted her gaze—which had been lowered halfway—and looked more deeply into Elizabeth’s face,
as if seeing the lingering remnants of emotion amid her swirling confusion.
“Anyone would feel the same. So it’s not Lord Komeo’s fault.”
That was likely the right answer—and Merche truly believed so herself.
Upon hearing the reply, Elizabeth stared blankly at Merche,
then finally let out a weak laugh. How could someone be so cruel yet so tender?
Wasn’t this child precisely the one who dulled every blade Elizabeth had ever raised?
Out of respect for that extraordinary kindness—and gratitude for the answer that even softened her guilt—Elizabeth offered a piece of advice, which also served as a warning.
“Kindness is certainly a virtue, but still, be careful.”
If you’re kind to everyone, you might invite great misfortune.
Elizabeth whispered softly. Merche listened to the whisper with a puzzled expression.
What kind of misfortune could kindness possibly bring?
Instead of asking, Merche simply nodded obediently in reply.
To her, it was a warning she found difficult to understand—distant and vague.
[This is the timeline separator]“My Lady!”
At the firm call, those transparent lake-colored eyes turned back shortly.
For a moment, Karin forgot her urgent matter and gave a contented smile.
How could my lady be so exquisitely beautiful?
Karin’s lady, Merche, was beautiful enough to steal one’s soul.
Like the twin sea deities Nilam and Nisha from the kingdom’s myths—or rather, as if the great goddess Nisha herself had descended into this world in all her mesmerizing glory.
Most people in Lupinus Castle admired Merche for her generosity and compassion, but above all, they revered her beauty. Even those who disliked her or felt indifferent toward her fell silent before her sheer radiance.
Such was the overwhelming, fearsome power of that face.
“What is it?”
Her soft-spoken question and seemingly expressionless face appeared cold at first glance—but Karin knew better.
She knew the warm, sun-like kindness her lady held within.
Despite having just called out to her lady in a manner contrary to etiquette, Karin’s lady asked for her reason without a word of reproach,
trusting that Karin must have had good cause to raise her voice.
Heartened by this show of trust, Karin pulled a tightly rolled paper from her bosom.
“This! That little black eagle arrived with it tied to its leg. It’s painted bright red—I thought it must be an urgent message, so I brought it right away!”
Merche’s hand paused slowly over the paper, vividly red as if to burn one’s eyes—a clear sign of urgency.
If it came from the mansion where she’d stationed that man, delivered by a black eagle… and if it was such an urgent telegram as to come from the physician she’d entrusted with his care…
A sense of dread rose like heat haze.
When she arrived at the mansion, a horrifying scene of bloodstained carnage unfolded before her eyes.
The situation was easy to grasp. It seemed to have happened while he was bathing. Inside the angular, marble bathtub stood a drenched man, surrounded by servants who had retreated in terror, bleeding and frightened. Tension hung thickly in the air, visible as if drawn taut.
“We only meant to assist with his bath…!”
“We truly meant no harm!”
The servants’ desperate pleas, their bodies bruised beyond recognition, bore not a trace of falsehood. Merche first gestured them away, then slowly turned her gaze to Lud, who stood in the bathtub.
“Get out. If you take even one step closer, I’ll kill you.”
Each ragged breath made his broad chest heave threateningly. His arms, tensed to the point of visible veins, were covered in fresh, bright red fingernail marks—likely left by the servants.
Though the sight alone looked painful, the man himself seemed utterly numb to the pain. Only then did Merche notice something strange.
Lud’s eyes—his violet pupils had no focus.
“Lud.”
“I told you to get out… get out!”
“Do you recognize who I am?”
“You want to die? Should I crush all your limbs?”
The bizarrely mismatched conversation, the excessively rough breathing—Merche quickly reached a conclusion.
This man had clearly lost his senses.
“Oh—you’ve arrived?”
Just as she was about to examine Lud’s condition more closely, Gerald, the mansion’s resident physician whom she’d hired, timidly stepped into the bathroom.
Gerald’s face bore a dark bruise under one eye, and he looked thoroughly shaken.
With trembling legs barely holding him up, he spoke in a grievous tone.
“He flatly refused when I first suggested a bath… but I had to make him bathe for hygiene’s sake—it’s also better for his treatment!”
“Did you try forcing him to bathe?”
“…W-well, not exactly—I tried putting him to sleep first.”
The last words were nearly a whisper.
When Merche asked him to repeat himself, Gerald sighed in resignation and confessed everything.
“He himself said it’d be better if he were sedated, and I thought that was the only way to bathe him. I truly only meant to wash him quickly while he slept…!”
“…So you drugged him, brought him to the bathtub, and he woke up en route.”
“Y-yes. That’s right.”
Now she understood. The sedative had worn off faster than expected, and Lud, who should have remained asleep, had awakened.
And then he’d gone berserk in this senseless state.
She soon learned why blood stained the bathroom floor.
The shard of glass clutched in Lud’s hand—given the broken glass bottle of scented oil nearby, he must have used one of its fragments as a makeshift weapon.
After all, aside from that glass bottle, there was nothing else in the bathroom to break.
“Go away, please go away… if you don’t want to die…”
Lud’s breathing, already labored, grew even more frantic.
Moreover, the glass shard he gripped so tightly had long since become a weapon turned against himself.
The sharp edge had torn into his palm. Seeing the blood drip and pool on the floor, Merche could hesitate no longer.
Without a moment’s pause, she stepped toward Lud.
When scheming men desperately battle for her favor in the male harem
This one’s also on my reread list! The rivalry, scheming between the men in the imperial harem are just as intense and thrilling as in classic palace drama novels, where concubines fight to the death. Give it a read, girls! I promise you won’t be disappointed.
Synopsis:
“I am not worthy of her… but I still want to be by her side, even if only as a loyal dog…”
Those were the painful whispers of Yue Guanyi – the proud Crown Prince of the Great Qi, who was torn between deep love and a guilty conscience. Despite holding the supreme power of the Imperial Guard, he still could not forget the dark past when he was sold into a brothel.
Fate played a cruel twist when Qiu Shuzhi – a young female official who had just passed the imperial examinations with top honors – stepped into his life. She did not know that she was the one who had saved him from a tragic fate many years ago. And now, her heart was the target of pursuit for both Yue Guanyi and the powerful Empress Dowager Qin Qing.
While Yue Guanyi only dared to silently care for and protect the one he loved from afar, the Empress Dowager Qin Qing openly expressed his feelings and did not hesitate to take advantage of his power to approach Qiu Shuzhi. The covert struggle between the two most powerful forces in the imperial court began…
Trigger warning: All men in this novel are yandere style.
_____
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